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    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    • 7Posts
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    MissBessie
    Husband has had an emotional affair
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    Husband has had an emotional affair 11th Jun 17 at 6:27 PM
    I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months. She works beside him and he says they are "just friends". A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day. He claims he's never seen her outside work and there was never any sex.
    We have been married for 33 years, have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I have went between crying to anger to disbelieve and back again. I can't eat, can't sleep..........can't believe it.
    He says we haven't been getting on (true), weren't talking most of the time (true) and that he just started to talk to her one day that they were on the same shift. This to me is no excuse - I didn't go and seek out a man to talk my probls over with. He says he loves me, wants to try again but I don't know if I could ever trust him. Our kids are also devastated and don't want anything more to do with him. People are totally shocked as he is one of the last people you would think would do this. Sorry this is so long
Page 1
    • Judi
    • By Judi 11th Jun 17, 7:30 PM
    • 15,263 Posts
    • 62,545 Thanks
    Judi
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:30 PM
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:30 PM
    I cant see how it can work if he is seeing her daily.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jun 17, 7:33 PM
    • 28,504 Posts
    • 72,630 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #3
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:33 PM
    • #3
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:33 PM
    I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months.

    A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day.
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    Texting 50 times still after six months - that's a total infatuation!
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Jun 17, 7:40 PM
    • 5,470 Posts
    • 24,848 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #4
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:40 PM
    • #4
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:40 PM
    To me, a relationship that you are describing is an affair! No sex - but sex is not the be-all and end-all. It is the emotional/head attachment that is equally destructive to a marriage.

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing this turmoil - stay strong, and do not make any decisions emotionally - try and use your head.x
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 11th Jun 17, 7:42 PM
    • 734 Posts
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    tacpot12
    • #5
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:42 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:42 PM
    I expect it is an escape into a fantasy. I'm sure he knows that it was never going to go anywhere, and also that he didn't want it to. He just wanted to feel better. Not all men are good at realising that they have a problem or that their way of dealing with their problems might be extremely upsetting to others.

    If he had shared the details of his problems with you with a male friend, would he have been less loyal? No, but the added dimension here is there might be some attraction. Realistically though, someone is more likely to open up to someone they have connected with than just anyone.

    Whether you trust him, is up to you. You have the choice to see whether you can reconnect, or whether your marriage is over. If you don't try, will you regret it, or do you know already that it is over?

    Please realise that children, even quite old ones, learn about relationships from their parents. How you react to a relationship crisis will stick with them forever and will affect their own relationships and what they regard as acceptable behaviours. What example do you want to set?
    • parking_question_chap
    • By parking_question_chap 11th Jun 17, 7:47 PM
    • 1,408 Posts
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    parking_question_chap
    • #6
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:47 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:47 PM
    Probably need more information.

    What do they talk about? if its work stuff and its usually a message or two every day apart from one or two days with loads of messages it might be different. Does he have many friends? Was he lonely and in need of somebody to get advice from given you two sound like you have been having difficulty?
    • elsien
    • By elsien 11th Jun 17, 7:48 PM
    • 15,281 Posts
    • 38,362 Thanks
    elsien
    • #7
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:48 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:48 PM
    If you weren't getting on or talking much before this happened, what were the reasons for that?
    You'd also need as a couple to address the issues that were already there before he started texting this woman. Seems to me your marriage was already in difficulty before this woman came along - don't let this emotional affair take all the blame because it seems to have developed from existing problems.
    So it's not just about trust it's about other things as well - how do you both feel about looking at things more deeply?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 7:49 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    MissBessie
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:49 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:49 PM
    Thank you for your replies. To be honest, my head is in turmoil. I want us to be together - 33 years is a long time. I'm not financially dependent on him so that's not a factor at least. But at the same time I think how dare you treat me like this after 33 years! I'm a mess
    • Tinker bells
    • By Tinker bells 11th Jun 17, 7:50 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Tinker bells
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:50 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:50 PM
    I don't think that you are wrong for feeling how you do. I would be exactly the same, if not worse.

    I agree with above comments, firstly don't make any decisions whilst all of this is still raw. Take some time and as much you need to calm down and figure out what it is you want to do and then go from there. I also agree that it's practically an affair! You do not need to have sex with someone to be cheating... Talking to some that amount per day is way too much for "just friends". However, sit down and talk at some point, because you don't know what was going through his mind during these conversations and you need to ask and from there it may help you make a decision.
    • parking_question_chap
    • By parking_question_chap 11th Jun 17, 7:55 PM
    • 1,408 Posts
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    parking_question_chap
    I also agree that it's practically an affair!
    Originally posted by Tinker bells
    I dont understand how you could possibly reach this conclusion without even knowing what the messages were about.

    I mean where then is the line between a male and female friendship and an affair?

    Moreover, many men dont really do "emotion" or at least not to the extent we are defining here, so unless the "affair" involved sticking body parts in eachother they are not really going to be interested.
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 7:56 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    MissBessie
    Yes, they talked about work stuff but also me. This is extremely hurtful. He was txting her EVERY day anything between 30 and 50 timed. There were also some, but not many, phone calls.
    Yes, our marriage was in a terrible way. We both made lots of mistakes but this does not excuse an affair - no way! I am willing to work on it IF I decide to make a go of it.
    • parking_question_chap
    • By parking_question_chap 11th Jun 17, 8:02 PM
    • 1,408 Posts
    • 1,232 Thanks
    parking_question_chap
    We both made lots of mistakes but this does not excuse an affair - no way!.
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    Totally agree, but this isnt affair.

    OK I dont know the situation, but there is a good chance he needed somebody to take advice from, and to vent all the frustrations caused by your current relationship.

    Maybe he should have discussed certain things with you, and you can be annoyed at him for that as well as the number of texts I totally see why you are angry, but he has not had an affair. Lets be clear on this.
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 8:10 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    MissBessie
    In my head yes, is clearly an emotional affair. The first thing he did in the morning was phone her. The last thing he did at night was text her. He kept her a secret. He went to he'd early to lie and text her. His emotions were clearly with her. This was an emotional affair in my eyes
    • Amber Sunshine
    • By Amber Sunshine 11th Jun 17, 8:18 PM
    • 1,589 Posts
    • 3,857 Thanks
    Amber Sunshine
    Mine did much the same thing.

    We're now divorced and he's married to her.

    An emotional affair is just as bad, and you don't contact someone that frequently OR in secret if it's innocent.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 11th Jun 17, 8:22 PM
    • 1,068 Posts
    • 1,174 Thanks
    NeilCr
    How did this all come out?

    Did he tell you?

    Did you find out in another way?
    • meer53
    • By meer53 11th Jun 17, 8:30 PM
    • 8,935 Posts
    • 12,974 Thanks
    meer53
    Whats an "emotional affair" ? You admit your marriage wasn't good, if he couldn't talk to you about it, what were you expecting ? That he'd just carry on as normal ? You both need to talk.
    • maman
    • By maman 11th Jun 17, 8:59 PM
    • 16,969 Posts
    • 101,500 Thanks
    maman
    How did this all come out?

    Did he tell you?

    Did you find out in another way
    ?
    Originally posted by NeilCr

    I'd also be interested in how the children got to know about it. It'll be harder for you two to reconcile when other people are involved even if they are family.


    I understand it's devastating for you but I can understand him wanting someone to talk to who's sympathetic to his situation.


    I know it's often said on here but if you had a close woman friend ( or even a message board) that you shared all the details with and chatted to regularly nobody would think badly of you. It could be just that this colleague offers a listening ear and no more.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jun 17, 9:08 PM
    • 28,504 Posts
    • 72,630 Thanks
    Mojisola
    You admit your marriage wasn't good, if he couldn't talk to you about it, what were you expecting ? That he'd just carry on as normal ? You both need to talk.
    Originally posted by meer53
    I understand it's devastating for you but I can understand him wanting someone to talk to who's sympathetic to his situation.

    I know it's often said on here but if you had a close woman friend
    (or even a message board) that you shared all the details with and chatted to regularly nobody would think badly of you. It could be just that this colleague offers a listening ear and no more.
    Originally posted by maman
    I'd expect my OH to bring up the problem with me!

    Even if he did start by using a friend or colleague as a sounding board, he should have realised that letting it go on so intensely for so long moves it from a friendly listening ear to a relationship in its own right.

    If I was the colleague he was talking to, I'd have told him after a week or two that he needed to speak to his wife and would have backed off.

    50 texts a day is extreme for close couples - for 'colleagues' it's beyond normal.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Jun 17, 9:27 PM
    • 5,470 Posts
    • 24,848 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Totally agree, but this isnt affair.

    OK I dont know the situation, but there is a good chance he needed somebody to take advice from, and to vent all the frustrations caused by your current relationship.

    Maybe he should have discussed certain things with you, and you can be annoyed at him for that as well as the number of texts I totally see why you are angry, but he has not had an affair. Lets be clear on this.
    Originally posted by parking_question_chap
    From a male point of view, I suppose that isn't an affair because sex has not raised its ugly head.

    From a female point of view, this is an affair - and even worse than an affair that is purely sexual, this is betrayal - of the worst kind.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 11th Jun 17, 9:35 PM
    • 2,852 Posts
    • 2,737 Thanks
    justme111
    What if she was 30 years older? Or younger? Or male? Or transgendered? Or gay? Would you be so incensed then? Would you class it as "affair"?
    Your issue is that you had nothing to talk about , not that he found someone else to talk to.
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