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  • FIRST POST
    • whiskydeltafoxtrot
    • By whiskydeltafoxtrot 11th Jun 17, 6:24 PM
    • 2Posts
    • 7Thanks
    whiskydeltafoxtrot
    Is this bullying or just plain rude?
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:24 PM
    Is this bullying or just plain rude? 11th Jun 17 at 6:24 PM
    I don't want to give too many details so i'll put it simply;
    Is leaving someone out of things, ignoring their birthday, yet making a huge fuss of others birthdays, not adding them to Facebook, even though all other employees are 'friends' together on there, bullying or am i being over sensitive?
    We all get on well- and laugh and joke together, yet they won't let me in their 'gang' and I'm starting to feel unhappy and left out.

    I should add these aren't kids nor am I (all in late 40s/50s)
Page 3
    • Bravepants
    • By Bravepants 12th Jun 17, 11:33 PM
    • 189 Posts
    • 212 Thanks
    Bravepants
    I have a couple of good friends I met while working, and they and their partners are good friends of mine, and we go way back - I mean 20 years or so! We of course get together outside work, and always have. I have other outside friends too of course and we always have a good time when we get together. I have learned the hard way recently that getting too involved with so called "friends" at work is not a good idea!

    These days I go to work just to work and earn money; and apart from the two or three good friends I made in the past will NOT be putting any effort in to making "friends" with anyone else!
    • Undervalued
    • By Undervalued 13th Jun 17, 8:44 AM
    • 2,873 Posts
    • 2,619 Thanks
    Undervalued
    What, so if I work in a team of five people and four of us get on great but the fifth is dull as ditchwater, we all have to add them as a friend on Facebook and go out on their birthday anyway? Even though we interact with them perfectly civilly at work? And if we don't; it's bullying?

    Rubbish.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    I couldn't agree more.
    • Makeachange
    • By Makeachange 13th Jun 17, 9:08 AM
    • 901 Posts
    • 1,223 Thanks
    Makeachange
    I have a couple of good friends I met while working, and they and their partners are good friends of mine, and we go way back - I mean 20 years or so! We of course get together outside work, and always have. I have other outside friends too of course and we always have a good time when we get together. I have learned the hard way recently that getting too involved with so called "friends" at work is not a good idea!

    These days I go to work just to work and earn money; and apart from the two or three good friends I made in the past will NOT be putting any effort in to making "friends" with anyone else!
    Originally posted by Bravepants

    my thoughts exactly!
    Slashing the debts, clearing the mind and shifting the weight... One small step at a time

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    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 13th Jun 17, 9:59 AM
    • 4,468 Posts
    • 8,878 Thanks
    marliepanda
    Workplace exclusion is of course a thing.

    But the OP makes no reference to workplace exclusion. Only social exclusion, and there are no laws requiring you to be friends with your workmates.

    I'm fairly new to a job, 9 months in, and I wasn't invited to one girls wedding. That's not exclusion. That's not wanting me at her wedding!

    If she was left out of 'staff' events, then that's one thing. But social events are what the OP mentions and nobody has to be friends with anyone.
    Survey Earnings 2017 - £163
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 13th Jun 17, 3:00 PM
    • 985 Posts
    • 968 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    This happens to me but I'm not bothered as I go to work to earn money and I'm not a social person ( maybe they sense that!) So wouldn't want to be involved in stuff out of work anyway.
    If they deliberately shun you or cut you out of conversations at work, that could be bullying but if its outside stuff I'd personally be happy not to be identified as ' one of the gang'! Sounds very petty. I wasn't with the in crowd at my last place and someone honest told me it was because they perceived me to be different. Because I'm not into fake tan and designer clothes ( her words) they didn't include me. One woman always made a point to talk loudly about how great the party was at the weekend or how great dinner was etc knowing full well everyone but me had been there. It happens a lot. Just ignore them and be happy you are not childish like them!
    • andygb
    • By andygb 14th Jun 17, 3:48 PM
    • 11,285 Posts
    • 23,958 Thanks
    andygb
    Work is work, and everything else is your own time. If you try to mix the two, then it is only a matter of time before your time suffers.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 4:23 PM
    • 1,207 Posts
    • 3,004 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    What, so if I work in a team of five people and four of us get on great but the fifth is dull as ditchwater, we all have to add them as a friend on Facebook and go out on their birthday anyway? Even though we interact with them perfectly civilly at work? And if we don't; it's bullying?

    Rubbish.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    If they're just dull, rather than unpleasant or unkind or racist or homophobic or something, then I think it would be much better to at least try to include them. I would.

    If you worked in a team of 10 and got on great with 4 but not the other 5 it would be different, but when it's just one it does seem more personal.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 4:43 PM
    • 27,631 Posts
    • 70,207 Thanks
    Mojisola
    What, so if I work in a team of five people and four of us get on great but the fifth is dull as ditchwater, we all have to add them as a friend on Facebook and go out on their birthday anyway? Even though we interact with them perfectly civilly at work? And if we don't; it's bullying?
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    No, I don't think you should have to interact socially with all workmates but I also think that you have to keep your social life separate from the work place.

    If all but one person spends a lot of time of work talking about social things you've done and planning future social events, that can create a very uncomfortable atmosphere.
    • xapprenticex
    • By xapprenticex 14th Jun 17, 5:43 PM
    • 1,077 Posts
    • 943 Thanks
    xapprenticex
    I have a couple of good friends I met while working, and they and their partners are good friends of mine, and we go way back - I mean 20 years or so! We of course get together outside work, and always have. I have other outside friends too of course and we always have a good time when we get together. I have learned the hard way recently that getting too involved with so called "friends" at work is not a good idea!

    These days I go to work just to work and earn money; and apart from the two or three good friends I made in the past will NOT be putting any effort in to making "friends" with anyone else!
    Originally posted by Bravepants

    Details!!??
    • Bravepants
    • By Bravepants 14th Jun 17, 6:09 PM
    • 189 Posts
    • 212 Thanks
    Bravepants
    Details!!??
    Originally posted by xapprenticex
    LOL, I'd rather not thanks!
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 14th Jun 17, 8:10 PM
    • 1,517 Posts
    • 2,085 Thanks
    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    If they're just dull, rather than unpleasant or unkind or racist or homophobic or something, then I think it would be much better to at least try to include them. I would.

    If you worked in a team of 10 and got on great with 4 but not the other 5 it would be different, but when it's just one it does seem more personal.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    It is personal. Nevertheless, who you associate with outside work is entirely based on who you like. Do you march up to groups of strangers in pubs and insist on tagging along with them? If not, I can't see why you would expect to tag along with people who know that they don't like you.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 14th Jun 17, 8:18 PM
    • 1,517 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    No, I don't think you should have to interact socially with all workmates but I also think that you have to keep your social life separate from the work place.

    If all but one person spends a lot of time of work talking about social things you've done and planning future social events, that can create a very uncomfortable atmosphere.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Only if the person left out actually wants to socialise with the others. In 99.999% of situations the left-out person doesn't like them, on a social level, any more than they like him or her. They would just presume this to be the case and assume they were living their own life.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 8:21 PM
    • 27,631 Posts
    • 70,207 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Only if the person left out actually wants to socialise with the others.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    If people are spending a lot of time in work discussing and planning their social life, they aren't getting on with work.

    If one person is being left out - for whatever reason - it doesn't make for a good atmosphere.

    Even if the person left out really doesn't care, the workplace is where work should be done.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 9:08 PM
    • 1,207 Posts
    • 3,004 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    It is personal. Nevertheless, who you associate with outside work is entirely based on who you like. Do you march up to groups of strangers in pubs and insist on tagging along with them? If not, I can't see why you would expect to tag along with people who know that they don't like you.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    That's life though isn't it? We all have to put up with friends of friends, or partners of friends, or work colleagues occasionally who we don't really like that much and probably wouldn't choose as friends.

    I do think that just finding someone dull is a really unkind reason to exclude them too, it would be different if they'd actually offended you in some way, or if you constantly disagreed/argued and you actively dislike each other.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 14th Jun 17, 9:26 PM
    • 1,517 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    If people are spending a lot of time in work discussing and planning their social life, they aren't getting on with work.

    If one person is being left out - for whatever reason - it doesn't make for a good atmosphere.

    Even if the person left out really doesn't care, the workplace is where work should be done.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Don't you ever talk at work? I work in an office where a lot gets done but there's still plenty of room for conversation. I always have, in every office I have worked in.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 14th Jun 17, 9:30 PM
    • 1,517 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    That's life though isn't it? We all have to put up with friends of friends, or partners of friends, or work colleagues occasionally who we don't really like that much and probably wouldn't choose as friends.

    I do think that just finding someone dull is a really unkind reason to exclude them too, it would be different if they'd actually offended you in some way, or if you constantly disagreed/argued and you actively dislike each other.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    You are not excluding them. You are simply not choosing to socialise with them outside work. Just like you chosoe not to socialise with the vast majority of people you come into contact with.

    Why would you think that someone you don't have enough in common with wants to socialise with you? There's almost an assumption here that the person is so dull that they don't have their own friends and their own life. They are not thinking "Let's leave her sitting in her house alone", they are just going out somewhere, and not thinking about her at all, but if they do think then assuming she is doing whatever she does on Saturday nights.

    If it is a one-off work based event that's different. If they socialise regularly then they don't have to invite anybody they don't want to invite.
    Last edited by ScorpiondeRooftrouser; 14-06-2017 at 9:32 PM.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 9:35 PM
    • 1,207 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    You are not excluding them. You are simply not choosing to socialise with them outside work. Just like you chosoe not to socialise with the vast majority of people you come into contact with.

    Why would you think that someone you don't have enough in common with wants to socialise with you? There's almost an assumption here that the person is so dull that they don't have their own friends and their own life. They are not thinking "Let's leave her sitting in her house alone", they are just going out somewhere, and not thinking about her at all, but if they do think then assuming she is doing whatever she does on Saturday nights.

    If it is a one-off work based event that's different. If they socialise regularly then they don't have to invite anybody they don't want to invite.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser

    Sorry, but I stand by my belief that its unkind to extend an invite to everybody in your team except one. If you invite them and they don't accept then great, you stop asking after a few attempts and everybody can move on, but better that than they were sitting there feeling the way the OP is feeling. Its nice to be nice!
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 14th Jun 17, 10:52 PM
    • 5,118 Posts
    • 25,704 Thanks
    bugslet
    I used to be a harrassment contact at one of my previous jobs and being left out of everything does count as bullying. It can also make working really stressful and miserable. If you have a good system for complaining it's worth doing, otherwise it'll just make things worse.
    Originally posted by t0rt0ise
    I agree it can be unpleasant, but as an employer what are you supposed to do. Personally as long as people are polite in work and not obstructive regarding work issues, it's not my business. Do I tell adults that they have to friend someone on FB? Do I tell drivers they have to invite someone for a pint on their free time? Not going to happen.




    leaving someone out isnt bullying, but I can understand 100% why you made this post.
    Originally posted by Chrysalis
    Ditto.

    Sorry, but I stand by my belief that its unkind to extend an invite to everybody in your team except one. If you invite them and they don't accept then great, you stop asking after a few attempts and everybody can move on, but better that than they were sitting there feeling the way the OP is feeling. Its nice to be nice!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    It is nice to be nice, but it isn't something that you can force people to do.

    OP, have you ever asked why, might clarify things.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 15th Jun 17, 12:17 AM
    • 1,517 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Sorry, but I stand by my belief that its unkind to extend an invite to everybody in your team except one. If you invite them and they don't accept then great, you stop asking after a few attempts and everybody can move on, but better that than they were sitting there feeling the way the OP is feeling. Its nice to be nice!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    We are talking here about people who socialise together regularly. What if you invite them and they do keep coming because they have no other friends? What are you going to do? Pretend to be friends with them for ever?
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