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  • FIRST POST
    • whiskydeltafoxtrot
    • By whiskydeltafoxtrot 11th Jun 17, 6:24 PM
    • 2Posts
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    whiskydeltafoxtrot
    Is this bullying or just plain rude?
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:24 PM
    Is this bullying or just plain rude? 11th Jun 17 at 6:24 PM
    I don't want to give too many details so i'll put it simply;
    Is leaving someone out of things, ignoring their birthday, yet making a huge fuss of others birthdays, not adding them to Facebook, even though all other employees are 'friends' together on there, bullying or am i being over sensitive?
    We all get on well- and laugh and joke together, yet they won't let me in their 'gang' and I'm starting to feel unhappy and left out.

    I should add these aren't kids nor am I (all in late 40s/50s)
Page 2
    • t0rt0ise
    • By t0rt0ise 12th Jun 17, 2:52 PM
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    t0rt0ise
    I used to be a harrassment contact at one of my previous jobs and being left out of everything does count as bullying. It can also make working really stressful and miserable. If you have a good system for complaining it's worth doing, otherwise it'll just make things worse.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 3:15 PM
    • 1,720 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    I used to be a harrassment contact at one of my previous jobs and being left out of everything does count as bullying. It can also make working really stressful and miserable. If you have a good system for complaining it's worth doing, otherwise it'll just make things worse.
    Originally posted by t0rt0ise
    What, complain that they won't be friends with you on Facebook and they ignored your birthday?

    Nonsense.
    • t0rt0ise
    • By t0rt0ise 12th Jun 17, 3:47 PM
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    t0rt0ise
    What, complain that they won't be friends with you on Facebook and they ignored your birthday?

    Nonsense.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Sigh. It's because people think like that that things change so slowly.

    I only did a quick google search and picked the first thing that came up but this gives an idea that it is taken seriously.

    http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=5879
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Jun 17, 3:52 PM
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    Mojisola
    What, complain that they won't be friends with you on Facebook and they ignored your birthday?

    Nonsense.
    Originally posted by ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    It's not nonsense if you are the only one who is ignored when things happen in the workplace.

    The manager must be fairly incompetent not to notice what is happening and suggest to the clique that they stay professional at work and keep things like birthday celebrations to their free time.

    It's expensive recruiting staff and, although some people will work happily in this environment, most people won't and will look elsewhere for a new job.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 4:12 PM
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Sigh. It's because people think like that that things change so slowly.

    I only did a quick google search and picked the first thing that came up but this gives an idea that it is taken seriously.

    http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=5879
    Originally posted by t0rt0ise

    Your link simply shows that workplace exclusion is a thing. It doesn't show in any way that not being friends on Facebook and ignoring someone's birthday counts as workplace exclusion. Just because something exists it doesn't mean that everything is an example of it.

    They treat them appropriately and "laugh and joke" with them, and respect them as a colleague. They just don't like them socially.

    Not everyone can like everyone. You can't force people to be friends on Facebook. It's incredibly childish.
    Last edited by ScorpiondeRooftrouser; 12-06-2017 at 4:39 PM.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 4:14 PM
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    It's not nonsense if you are the only one who is ignored when things happen in the workplace.

    The manager must be fairly incompetent not to notice what is happening and suggest to the clique that they stay professional at work and keep things like birthday celebrations to their free time.

    It's expensive recruiting staff and, although some people will work happily in this environment, most people won't and will look elsewhere for a new job.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    What celebrations? They probably have some cake (and I am sure they offer the OP a piece). The OPs complaint isn't that they exclude them from things happening in the office, it's that they don't get cake on their birthday. Management telling them to stop this would be looked on as ridiculously draconian.

    They probably don't even know it's the OPs birthday because - and here's the thing - they are not friends with them. They don't have to be.
    Last edited by ScorpiondeRooftrouser; 12-06-2017 at 4:16 PM.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 4:26 PM
    • 14,479 Posts
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    Guest101
    I cant stand this nonsense.


    You are paid to work, carry out tasks and hopefully have a nice working relationship with your colleagues.


    If some of those colleagues are friends, great, but unfortunately sometimes you aren't going to get along with people. That doesn't mean you have to add them on FB, or go out for drinks, or anything else.


    It's not bullying to not like someone, and here's the thing, if I don't like you, I'm not buying you a cake!
    • whiskydeltafoxtrot
    • By whiskydeltafoxtrot 12th Jun 17, 4:53 PM
    • 2 Posts
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    whiskydeltafoxtrot
    I'm not talking about a slice of cake- I'm talking full on celebration,loads of presents, big night out, weeks of planing etc. I didn't even warrant a card or a text.
    I have no problem not being liked- but this has never happened to me before and I'm baffled as to why they leave me out. We get on well- at least they seem to get on with me. Its made harder as we're a small group.
    I know I'm there to work and I do, but its impossible to ignore when you're being ignored.
    Yes, there are also frequent work things I'm not told about too.
    It hurts and I'm now miserable in a job I love.

    I should also add a while ago one of them bought a load of pizzas for lunch. I was on a late lunch and thought they might keep some back for me. I was wrong.

    If people don't mind I'll continue being over sensitive- wouldn't do to all be the same now, would it?
    I'll go on job hunting and get out as soon as possible.

    I should add this was brought up at a one to one and things improved a little for a short time.

    Thank you for your help
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 5:09 PM
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Why should they ask you to go on a night out with them? They don't like you. Clearly they don't really dislike you; they treat you civilly and respectfully. They probably couldn't explain why themselves.

    What do you want them to do? Pretend they like you? Ask you along on their night out even though they don't want you? They just assume you are with your own friends. Buy you a birthday card? Which of them do you think should do that? Should the manager assign someone to do it?

    Grow up.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 5:12 PM
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    Guest101
    I'm not talking about a slice of cake- I'm talking full on celebration,loads of presents, big night out, weeks of planing etc. I didn't even warrant a card or a text. - But if they don't like you, then that's that im afraid. It's not that you're a bad person, they just don't like you.
    I have no problem not being liked- but this has never happened to me before and I'm baffled as to why they leave me out. We get on well- at least they seem to get on with me. Its made harder as we're a small group. - What I'd suggest is stop putting in to the communal kitty etc.
    I know I'm there to work and I do, but its impossible to ignore when you're being ignored. - it's not if you stop giving a ____
    Yes, there are also frequent work things I'm not told about too.
    It hurts and I'm now miserable in a job I love. - if you are excluded from work related information you should raise this at your next appraisal, or sooner

    I should also add a while ago one of them bought a load of pizzas for lunch. I was on a late lunch and thought they might keep some back for me. I was wrong. - Did you contribute to the pizza?

    If people don't mind I'll continue being over sensitive- wouldn't do to all be the same now, would it? - it's up to you, but you'll be making yourself miserable
    I'll go on job hunting and get out as soon as possible.

    I should add this was brought up at a one to one and things improved a little for a short time.

    Thank you for your help
    Originally posted by whiskydeltafoxtrot


    I used to work in a team - mostly women, with a shocking turnover rate.


    there were 7 pregnancies in my 3 years in that team (that's not the shocking turnover rate, there were 22 changed to members of staff, it was a team of 8...)


    6 of those warranted a collection, etc etc. I contributed every single time. (I should point out that contributions were collected from across about 40 people, managers would also typically put in a decent whack, so often it was significant amounts of money)


    When my son was born - guess who didn't get a collection? - it was simply because I was a man. Despite also only receiving SPP for the two weeks. After that I simply stopped contributing.
    • Chrysalis
    • By Chrysalis 12th Jun 17, 5:16 PM
    • 1,948 Posts
    • 893 Thanks
    Chrysalis
    I don't want to give too many details so i'll put it simply;
    Is leaving someone out of things, ignoring their birthday, yet making a huge fuss of others birthdays, not adding them to Facebook, even though all other employees are 'friends' together on there, bullying or am i being over sensitive?
    We all get on well- and laugh and joke together, yet they won't let me in their 'gang' and I'm starting to feel unhappy and left out.

    I should add these aren't kids nor am I (all in late 40s/50s)
    Originally posted by whiskydeltafoxtrot
    leaving someone out isnt bullying, but I can understand 100% why you made this post.
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 12th Jun 17, 5:27 PM
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    fairy lights
    It just sounds like you haven't 'clicked' with them in the same way they have with each other.
    Perhaps they all share interests you don't, or have known each other longer, or maybe because you think they're leaving you out you're coming accross as a bit distant?
    Do you get involved in the organising of birthdays/nights out? If not they might think you're not interested.
    • warehouse
    • By warehouse 12th Jun 17, 5:34 PM
    • 2,926 Posts
    • 5,459 Thanks
    warehouse
    I had a health issue last year which meant I was off work for 2 months. They used facebook against me whilst I was off, (I dared to go into London on a weekend with the family). Now work and facebook/whatsapp/etc are completely separated.

    Their loss OP, sounds like a coven of witches.
    Pants
    • prowla
    • By prowla 12th Jun 17, 6:21 PM
    • 9,530 Posts
    • 7,552 Thanks
    prowla
    Well, the facebook thing has no place in the workplace.

    If you feel you are being deliberately left out of activities or conversations at work, then it is bulling; it's about how the affected person feels.

    There are some people who only value their day by whether they've been able to put somebody else down.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 7:06 PM
    • 1,720 Posts
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Well, the facebook thing has no place in the workplace.

    If you feel you are being deliberately left out of activities or conversations at work, then it is bulling; it's about how the affected person feels.
    Originally posted by prowla
    What, so if I work in a team of five people and four of us get on great but the fifth is dull as ditchwater, we all have to add them as a friend on Facebook and go out on their birthday anyway? Even though we interact with them perfectly civilly at work? And if we don't; it's bullying?

    Rubbish.
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 12th Jun 17, 7:13 PM
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    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    Just a comment to everyone who thinks they are being supportive by enabling the OPs whining...if you talk them into quitting a job they apparently "love" because of this non-issue, you have NOT done them a favour. They will probably find the same thing happens in the next place they work as well. Thinking that agreeing with somebody's nonsense is being supportive is a serious mistake.
    • keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • By keepcalmandstayoutofdebt 12th Jun 17, 7:20 PM
    • 2,739 Posts
    • 1,428 Thanks
    keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    I didn't even warrant a card or a text.
    Originally posted by whiskydeltafoxtrot
    As hard as this is could this just have fell at the wrong time?
    If I cast my memory back to a few week's ago, someone's (part of the 'in' group) birthday was coming up which someone had to flag up to the senior's (the team member couldn't sit there let someone arrive knowing it was their birthday and not saying anything to anyone else on team in advance) but very genuine sincerely it nearly went undetected as the most unfortunate of timing. (there was just very few people around to arrange stuff) it could have ended in tragedy.

    I kind of have your problem but in a little opposite whereby I don't really have much to say to the people I work with who are mostly over 10 years junior except maybe at lunch time, some of the conversations I just don't want to hear but we're all linked on social media, I'm baffled by it is it keep your enemy closest? - I think SM has got a lot to answer for! I've seen the 'office birthday's turn into media stints, so far removed from genuine but let's out do each one' for the t**iter account. All this write the perfect t*eat... only the cutest people need take part in this picture, I maybe a bit peculiar and these are the times but dread it, though I have had other jobs where none of the sm would have risen it's head.

    I'm just thinking as your colleagues are older - maybe they don't like their accounts used in this fashion - I'm imaging some of mine are out of luck if they were to view me.

    It really could be your colleagues are the type who believe these social media sites are for family only? Once you've got these people linked how on earth do you 'unfriend' them easily without causing some serious backlash in my opinion. All things to consider. All the best, you aren't alone x
    "If you are caught in a rainstorm, once you accept that you'll receive a soaking, the only thing left to do is enjoy the walk"
    • xapprenticex
    • By xapprenticex 12th Jun 17, 7:50 PM
    • 1,118 Posts
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    xapprenticex
    I used to work in a team - mostly women, with a shocking turnover rate.


    there were 7 pregnancies in my 3 years in that team (that's not the shocking turnover rate, there were 22 changed to members of staff, it was a team of 8...)


    6 of those warranted a collection, etc etc. I contributed every single time. (I should point out that contributions were collected from across about 40 people, managers would also typically put in a decent whack, so often it was significant amounts of money)


    When my son was born - guess who didn't get a collection? - it was simply because I was a man. Despite also only receiving SPP for the two weeks. After that I simply stopped contributing.
    Originally posted by Guest101
    i put a quid in, if i like you, ill get you a present myself.
    • TheEffect
    • By TheEffect 12th Jun 17, 8:21 PM
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    TheEffect
    I'm in my mid 20s and reading this thread makes me feel like an outsider (not that I care).

    I don't bother telling anyone at work when my birthday is, I'd rather not have the fuss.

    I don't add anyone from work on social media, even those I get on well with and have been for a drink with once or twice outside work.

    I couldn't care less if I'm liked or not. As long as my colleagues are respectful and professional (and I am as well), they can all go out every night without inviting me.

    Even if I'm invited out after work, I usually decline.

    Call me boring etc, but I prefer to keep work and my personal life completely separate. I go to work so that I can enjoy time/activities/drinks outside of work.

    • becominganobsessivesaver
    • By becominganobsessivesaver 12th Jun 17, 10:41 PM
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    becominganobsessivesaver
    I can really empathise with the OP as I have experienced behaviour like this at work for many years, as well as more traditional bullying (e.g. People blanking me when I said good morning, openly laughing at my wedding photos) and both can make you feel very insecure doubt yourself.
    I couldn't count the number of people I've worked with over the years, but there are only a handful I classify as friends who I value keeping in touch with (and I don't think any of us has ever bought each other a birthday present.) I found the schoolyard tactics really hard in the early stages of my career, pre-children, not being invited to social events meaning it was harder to build rapport, but now I try to focus on the positive aspects of my life. Whilst I might like to have been invited I have my lovely family at home I can be with instead.
    It's also made it easier to look for new work opportunities, as in the workplace my career and job satisfaction is my key driver, not what others think about me.
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