Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • sanyo1981
    • By sanyo1981 11th Jun 17, 6:02 AM
    • 5Posts
    • 3Thanks
    sanyo1981
    Wife doesnt like my mother for no real reason
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:02 AM
    Wife doesnt like my mother for no real reason 11th Jun 17 at 6:02 AM
    First of all my name is Sanyo and I wanna say hi! Since is my first post(And a long one) I really appreciate the help and advice that everyone could give.

    My wife and I have been married for little more then a year, we are not from the same country. I met her when she was working in Hong Kong, she is from Japan and she is great, very caring, we get along well and we both love each other. Since young I have been really tight with my family, we immigrate to Canada together when my sister and I were young and when sis and I decided to work in Hong Kong because of the better Jobs offered, my parents also came back to be close to us. Basically in our family we don't have any secrets, and especially with mom we are really like good friends.

    I respect my wife a lot, and I am the kind of person who doesn't like to give out rules as long you can be happy, I am happy. So whatever my wife wanted I try my hardest to give it to her and solve any problem ahead. Me and my wife lived together for a year before we decided to get married, she also wanted to quit her job because she wants rest up her body because we might be planning to have a baby. I was fine with everything, even at the moment she wanted to take that break, financially it was abit risky for me to take all the burden. Still without hesistation I said ok. I worked harder find ways to make money and half a year into our marriage I got a big break, so financially I am ready to have our first baby.

    The problems lies here, her personality seems to change quite a bit after marriage. I admit I am a messy person, sometimes when I get home I just like to put things everywhere at home. So she would complain about that a lot and emotionally be very upset, also things like after using the toilet please cover the toilet seat. I am ok to let me know but no need to be so emotionally upset over it, but anyhow I wanted to try to make her happy so I change myself and basically now 90% of those things I do to her standards. (which I tell myself it is also for my own good)

    Basically all the marriage get along relationship problem I could solve, except this one problem that has really bother her now, me being close to my family, especially my mother. She doesn't like me to talk to my mom and parents that much. Like even how much I make, only she should know. Since now my workbase is in China, I am no longer close to my family. Once in awhile my mom miss me a lot so I would webcam phone chat with her about once a week, maybe 20 mins time. But she has been really irritated by it, at one point she got so angry and slam the door really hard while going to her room. I mean, we already don't have to live in the same house, and I never force you live together with my family. She also finds it very weird and tell me you are disgusting when my mom once in awhile text me say "Hi, how are you, what did you do today" She would then explain to me that she never does that, her parents never does that, man in japan they don't do that. Well guess what she should of chosen a Japanese men to begin with, but I feel now she is trying to change me.

    This part I cannot change, because I love my family greatly, they put so much heart into us since young and I don't like it when I hear people say bad things about them especially my wife. But the funny thing is my parents have nothing against her, and my parents think she is great and that she love them a lot, that's the biggest problem. So now I basically don't know what to do, I have talked about this topic with her too many times, I even ask her to talk to her friends(problem is she doesn't have many friends) and family but refuse to do so and she keeps a lot of things inside herself, but only shares with me and for me to solve it. This problem for me I cannot raise to my family as well cuz I don't want to break the relationship between my wife and my parents.

    Any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated! To make things worst since we are planning to have baby, she wants to have it born in Japan. Which is fine since I know is hard for a women so maybe she want to choose a hospital she is comfortable with and be close to her family. But we discussed the topic of the kid growing up, she also wants to move back to Japan and raise him in local school. We still have yet to comply with that and now I am having thoughts should we really be having a baby, will she let the baby see my parents, is realty stressful for me thinking about it. Also before marriage I talked about going back to Canada in the future if we decide to have kids, she was ok before but now she is really disgusted by that idea. I think is because she is worry if going there my parents will also be there! Like wtf we don't have to live in the same house even in the same city is not allowed?

    Help me out
Page 1
    • Diary
    • By Diary 11th Jun 17, 7:48 AM
    • 533 Posts
    • 662 Thanks
    Diary
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:48 AM
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 17, 7:48 AM
    Why are you planning a baby with someone who clearly dislikes you and your family intensely? Don't have a baby with her thinking it'll change her - if anything her abuse of you will get far worse after you've had a baby.

    You're being relentlessly abused and should seek help.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 11th Jun 17, 10:08 AM
    • 2,805 Posts
    • 4,477 Thanks
    avogadro
    • #3
    • 11th Jun 17, 10:08 AM
    • #3
    • 11th Jun 17, 10:08 AM
    Do you speak Japanese? Living in Japan might prove difficult if you can't.
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 11th Jun 17, 10:13 AM
    • 176 Posts
    • 336 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    • #4
    • 11th Jun 17, 10:13 AM
    • #4
    • 11th Jun 17, 10:13 AM
    So she doesn't have a job right now? Is she poorly? Why does she need to 'rest up her body' to have a baby? She sounds manipulative and you jump as high as she tells you. I really don't think you should have a child until your relationship is one of equals. You need to talk things through, possibly more than others as there appears to be a clash of cultural expectations.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 11th Jun 17, 12:18 PM
    • 697 Posts
    • 931 Thanks
    chesky
    • #5
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:18 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:18 PM
    It just possibly might be that she's lonely, having given up work and not being close to her own family. Sounds as though she's jealous of your good relationship with yours. You should on no account change your own plans for your future - she married you knowing them. Whether your future also includes her only time will tell but certainly don't even contemplate bringing a child into the world until the other matters are sorted out.
    • sanyo1981
    • By sanyo1981 11th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    sanyo1981
    • #6
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    No she isn't poor, this part we agreed on so it isn't a problem. Since we live by ourselves, problems comes and goes, when I really want to talk deep into this parents problem, there is always no conclusion......

    To put in other words, how to get a person to get help when she doesn't think she has any problem at all, I am willing to go get the help together but she will always just say this is only between us..
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jun 17, 1:02 PM
    • 27,623 Posts
    • 70,171 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #7
    • 11th Jun 17, 1:02 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Jun 17, 1:02 PM
    To put in other words, how to get a person to get help when she doesn't think she has any problem at all, I am willing to go get the help together but she will always just say this is only between us..
    Originally posted by sanyo1981
    You can't. Someone has to see a need to change and want to change before anything can happen.

    Please don't bring a child into this disfunctional relationship.
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 11th Jun 17, 3:26 PM
    • 442 Posts
    • 706 Thanks
    goodwithsaving
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 3:26 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 3:26 PM
    Cultural? What is your background? You say you emigrated to Canada.
    Should this not have been discussed before marriage? Either way, she sounds lazy with the resting the body excuse for giving up work but we are only getting one side.
    Every time you borrow money, you’re robbing your future self. –Nathan W. Morris
    • sanyo1981
    • By sanyo1981 11th Jun 17, 3:31 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    sanyo1981
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 3:31 PM
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 3:31 PM
    The main problem is the cultural difference, since our family is from Hong Kong. That is why many things I don't blame her and understand why she would feel upset. Not working is not consider to be lazy, many Japanese girl when they get marry they stop working. Which I am fine with as well, but i just feel now she is trying ways to separate me from my family that's what is bothering me
    • maman
    • By maman 11th Jun 17, 3:44 PM
    • 16,090 Posts
    • 96,143 Thanks
    maman
    No she isn't poor, this part we agreed on so it isn't a problem. Since we live by ourselves, problems comes and goes, when I really want to talk deep into this parents problem, there is always no conclusion......

    To put in other words, how to get a person to get help when she doesn't think she has any problem at all, I am willing to go get the help together but she will always just say this is only between us..
    Originally posted by sanyo1981

    I don't think this is a 'getting help' situation. It sounds like you think she needs a counsellor or a psychiatrist or some such.


    It just sounds to me like there are differences between you and you need to work on your relationship. If any 'getting help' is needed it would be for the two of you together so that perhaps a mediator/counsellor could help you to discuss the issues. The differences may be cultural or just different personalities. Whatever it is I agree that you definitely shouldn't have a child until you are happy as a couple.
    • SuzieSue
    • By SuzieSue 11th Jun 17, 4:01 PM
    • 3,557 Posts
    • 3,872 Thanks
    SuzieSue
    Why are you planning a baby with someone who clearly dislikes you and your family intensely? Don't have a baby with her thinking it'll change her - if anything her abuse of you will get far worse after you've had a baby.

    You're being relentlessly abused and should seek help.
    Originally posted by Diary
    I agree with this if what you have said is true, but we only have your side of the story.

    My friend who is a very sensible, professional woman split up with her boyfriend because he was so close to his brother. She felt that her bf would not put her first.

    How close are you to your family? If your wife is not close to her family then it can be very difficult for her.
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 11th Jun 17, 4:32 PM
    • 3,281 Posts
    • 2,497 Thanks
    sheramber
    You say you lived together for year before marrying.

    Was this not a problem then?
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 11th Jun 17, 4:37 PM
    • 230 Posts
    • 388 Thanks
    Aced2016
    She is resting her body wowww !! I'm living in the wrong country !
    Try having 4 kids, a job and studying a teaching degree lol that's when rest is needed.

    Aside from the above you need to put your foot down. Your family is your family don't allow anyone to cause a rift between you, unless they have been unkind to her. I think she is actually taking advantage of you.

    Do not have a baby until your issues are sorted. A child needs stability. There is uncertainty about where you'll be living, your relationship with your family and her lack of respect for you. Make you feelings clear and if she can't respect them then run a mile !!
    • Quizzical Squirrel
    • By Quizzical Squirrel 11th Jun 17, 4:40 PM
    • 101 Posts
    • 3,932 Thanks
    Quizzical Squirrel
    She would then explain to me that she never does that, her parents never does that, man in japan they don't do that. Well guess what she should of chosen a Japanese men to begin with
    I'm not sure that's true.
    For example, my husband is Japanese (I'm white British) and he would have no hesitation calling his parents. Certainly, he's more traditional in a relationship than western men but I didn't replaced his mother like that.

    There's something else going on here.

    Maybe she's not coping well in this new country and culture so she's trying to exert control in the one area she still feels she can - you.

    She wants to go home for a baby (I think doing that and staying with parents afterwards is common) but she wants to return permanently using a child as an excuse - big indicator.
    Last edited by Quizzical Squirrel; 11-06-2017 at 4:46 PM.
    • SuzieSue
    • By SuzieSue 11th Jun 17, 4:44 PM
    • 3,557 Posts
    • 3,872 Thanks
    SuzieSue
    Aside from the above you need to put your foot down. Your family is your family don't allow anyone to cause a rift between you, unless they have been unkind to her.
    Originally posted by Aced2016
    Ok, but there is close and there is too close. The OP might think that his relationship with his mother is normal but his wife obviously doesn't. A lot of women want their husband to prove that he loves them more than his mother.

    From what the OP has said, it does appear that his wife is being unreasonable, but the OP also has try to put his wife before his mother. We don't know if he has done this.

    It will be difficult for the OP especially as his mother seems to be a lovely woman, but he needs to think seriously about it.
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 11th Jun 17, 4:52 PM
    • 230 Posts
    • 388 Thanks
    Aced2016
    Ok, but there is close and there is too close. The OP might think that his relationship with his mother is normal but his wife obviously doesn't. A lot of women want their husband to prove that he loves them more than his mother.

    From what the OP has said, it does appear that his wife is being unreasonable, but the OP also has try to put his wife before his mother. We don't know if he has done this.

    It will be difficult for the OP especially as his mother seems to be a lovely woman, but he needs to think seriously about it.
    Originally posted by SuzieSue
    Put her first for what though ? He video calls his mother, having an issue with that is madness. He mentions no argument or rift, so this whole put me first is silly. A decent wife wouldn't have such silly insecurities of needing her husband to not have a relationship with his mother.

    For the record I can't actually stand my mother in law. However I've never ever said that to my husband, although I'm sure he knows. I be polite on the occasions I need to see her and have never tried to stop my husband having a relationship with her. I just think some woman are crazy and it's sad how jealous they get of their Inlaws !
    • QQuaver
    • By QQuaver 11th Jun 17, 4:53 PM
    • 8,422 Posts
    • 36,810 Thanks
    QQuaver
    Perhaps your wife thinks you like your mother more than her?
    Perhaps you sound happier when you speak to your mum?

    Japanese women are afraid of mazakons: http://cotoacademy.com/mazakon/

    Also, it is very common for a women to go back to live with their parents a month before and after giving birth, sometimes even more (a year!).

    And you are right, housewives are much more common there than here.

    You need to think hard about your relationship before making babies.
    • SuzieSue
    • By SuzieSue 11th Jun 17, 5:06 PM
    • 3,557 Posts
    • 3,872 Thanks
    SuzieSue
    Put her first for what though ? He video calls his mother, having an issue with that is madness. He mentions no argument or rift, so this whole put me first is silly. A decent wife wouldn't have such silly insecurities of needing her husband to not have a relationship with his mother.

    For the record I can't actually stand my mother in law. However I've never ever said that to my husband, although I'm sure he knows. I be polite on the occasions I need to see her and have never tried to stop my husband having a relationship with her. I just think some woman are crazy and it's sad how jealous they get of their Inlaws !
    Originally posted by Aced2016
    Agreed, from what the OP said, his wife is being unreasonable, but we only have his side of the story.

    He said from the beginning that his family is very close. A lot of women don't like that. He needs to understand that when he gets married, he has started his own family and needs to detach himself somewhat from his parents.

    A lot of women want their husband to prove and keep proving that they are more important. It is unreasonable, but it happens a lot.

    My stepson's girlfriend does not like my stepson having too close a relationship with his sister or his mother. I think she is being unreasonable but that is the way she is.

    The OP has to decide if he can deal with his wife's insecurities and if not, he should leave her before she gets pregnant.
    • SuzieSue
    • By SuzieSue 11th Jun 17, 5:09 PM
    • 3,557 Posts
    • 3,872 Thanks
    SuzieSue
    Perhaps your wife thinks you like your mother more than her?
    Perhaps you sound happier when you speak to your mum?

    Japanese women are afraid of mazakons: http://cotoacademy.com/mazakon/
    Originally posted by QQuaver
    Exactly this.
    • sanyo1981
    • By sanyo1981 11th Jun 17, 5:52 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    sanyo1981
    Thank you everyone for your responses really appreciate it!

    I think a part might be she feel i might seem happier talking to my mother, which might be the case since i only talk to her for like 10mins on the phone a week sometimes not even since i don't live with her. But even a text message to my phone she would not be so comfy with it. The reasoning she tells me is she doesn't do that and their parents also don't text her or call or. They talk maybe on the phone 2-3 times a year, but the calls would be longer.

    I think is just the way she is, she wants me to do things her standards. And yes we lived together before marriage things were much better, might be because she was working so we don't spend so much time seeing eachother. Because my work is project base, once i finish the project sometimes i get one to two months off, that's what happened this time around and why the problem came up.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

4,673Posts Today

9,313Users online

Martin's Twitter