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    • Pay_me
    • By Pay_me 10th Jun 17, 9:02 PM
    • 131Posts
    • 86Thanks
    Pay_me
    Dating in your mid 30's
    • #1
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:02 PM
    Dating in your mid 30's 10th Jun 17 at 9:02 PM
    So, approaching my mid 30's and single after splitting from a long term partner end of last year.

    Been trying to get back out there to find potential new romantic partners and have absolutely no idea how to in my current situation.

    When I was younger it was a lot easier grab a mate or two go for a few drinks. It is how I met now ex.

    My current situation is that I have no mates up for the nights out anymore everyone is married, kids etc. Catchups are few and far between and usually involve quite group meals and early nights. It isn't helped that I have no mates close to me (well I have one in the same town but he is happy in a relationship and doesn't drink). All my other closest mates are now spread across the country with the closest being about 90miles away. Life, work and relationships took us all in different directions over the last 10 years.

    I joined the crazy world of online dating and that is turning in to a disaster 4 months on Tinder and not a single match. 4 months on Match.com and Pof and not a single conversation of any worth. I admit I am not the most photogenic nor am I a hunk but I am not a disaster zone either!! I have let female friends in work tweak my profiles, pick photos, send messages etc. all in the hope I can get a break but nothing.

    I recently joined a few clubs to get out of the house, gym classes, hobbies everyone is significantly younger or older, where are the 28-35 year olds hiding these days?

    So anyone in the same boat? anyone have any ideas as to how I can improve my chances? How I wish I was in my early 20's again it was so easy back then!!

    Cheers
    Last edited by Pay_me; 10-06-2017 at 9:30 PM.
Page 1
    • Browntoa
    • By Browntoa 10th Jun 17, 9:10 PM
    • 31,408 Posts
    • 37,104 Thanks
    Browntoa
    • #2
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:10 PM
    • #2
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:10 PM
    I did volunteering , meant I met new people who were more my age
    I'm the Board Guide of the Referrers ,Telephones, Pensions , Shop Don't drop ,over 50's and Discount Code boards which means I'm a volunteer to help them run smoothly and I can move and merge posts there. However, please remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.
    • cullet
    • By cullet 10th Jun 17, 9:13 PM
    • 79 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    cullet
    • #3
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:13 PM
    • #3
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:13 PM
    If I can date in my late sixties without back up from mates then so can you.Cast your net wide and don't be in too much of a hurry.Your new partner is out there go find her !
    • Pay_me
    • By Pay_me 10th Jun 17, 9:21 PM
    • 131 Posts
    • 86 Thanks
    Pay_me
    • #4
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:21 PM
    • #4
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:21 PM
    If I can date in my late sixties without back up from mates then so can you.Cast your net wide and don't be in too much of a hurry.Your new partner is out there go find her !
    Originally posted by cullet
    Thats the problem I am having, casting the net.

    The back up from mates was the easy days as in early 20's go for a drink meet other people and so on.

    After breaking up I found just how small my social circle had become and how hard it has become to increase my social circle again. I have joined clubs, joined gym classes, met up with strangers to do like minded hobbies and activities etc. Last week as an example I went hillwalking with a local group I found on meetup everyone was either 19/20/21 or 55+.
    • Pay_me
    • By Pay_me 10th Jun 17, 9:39 PM
    • 131 Posts
    • 86 Thanks
    Pay_me
    • #5
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:39 PM
    • #5
    • 10th Jun 17, 9:39 PM
    I did volunteering , meant I met new people who were more my age
    Originally posted by Browntoa
    Will take a look at what opportunities are available around my way. I am open to expanding horizons and rebuilding my social circle it is all linked.
    • UKTigerlily
    • By UKTigerlily 10th Jun 17, 11:33 PM
    • 4,267 Posts
    • 5,266 Thanks
    UKTigerlily
    • #6
    • 10th Jun 17, 11:33 PM
    • #6
    • 10th Jun 17, 11:33 PM
    Oh well, if it gets that bad i'll probably still be available lol x
    2015 weight loss: 86/100Ibs
    • Pay_me
    • By Pay_me 10th Jun 17, 11:49 PM
    • 131 Posts
    • 86 Thanks
    Pay_me
    • #7
    • 10th Jun 17, 11:49 PM
    • #7
    • 10th Jun 17, 11:49 PM
    Oh well, if it gets that bad i'll probably still be available lol x
    Originally posted by UKTigerlily
    I'm guessing you are having difficulties on the dating scene also?
    Last edited by Pay_me; 10-06-2017 at 11:59 PM.
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 11th Jun 17, 12:16 AM
    • 633 Posts
    • 397 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:16 AM
    • #8
    • 11th Jun 17, 12:16 AM
    Don't worry too much about socialising in the wrong age group. It may well be that one of those you meet has a friend / relative near your age, and invites them along to try and pair you off. Meeting your partner's parents is important, but no rule says you have to meet your partner first.

    I'd suggest, in parallel with everything else, keeping up the social practice ; making small talk with the target gender ( shop assistants etc. ) so that you remain "fluent". When the right person comes along, you are less likely to trip over your tongue ; and that may even be the way you find them. When you are having a conversation with them, it is easier to be talking with the public. In "Play Misty For Me", Clint Eastwood and a barman play a strange game, until a female customer becomes curious and starts trying to follow it ; Clint offers her a drink, and when she says yes, the game suddenly ends.

    How about a running club ? You might meet your new partner there, or at an event.

    The trick of course is to look in the places, where the sort of person you want to meet, is more likely to be. As with most "quests", finding the goal is no good if you can't keep it.
    • keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • By keepcalmandstayoutofdebt 11th Jun 17, 9:44 AM
    • 2,739 Posts
    • 1,427 Thanks
    keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 9:44 AM
    • #9
    • 11th Jun 17, 9:44 AM

    I recently joined a few clubs to get out of the house, gym classes, hobbies everyone is significantly younger or older, where are the 28-35 year olds hiding these days?


    Cheers
    Originally posted by Pay_me
    Nail on the head.

    I know I'm the top end of this bracket, but working odd and awkward hours. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone, then it just isolates you before you know.

    Bet it happens when you least expect it.

    Though there is someone where I work different date practically each week, often want to enquire where they get the stamina. That said there is a child in the mix so perhaps they find it easier to be out there.
    "If you are caught in a rainstorm, once you accept that you'll receive a soaking, the only thing left to do is enjoy the walk"
    • mariposa687
    • By mariposa687 11th Jun 17, 9:57 AM
    • 75 Posts
    • 94 Thanks
    mariposa687
    I'm the same, I'm 29 and have wanted to get back dating. My experience with Tinder is not great. Few matches, I was texting one guy who then asked me out for coffee, I said yes and asked when, he said he was looking forward to it which was odd as we hadn't set a date or time. Then he texted me the following day asking how I was etc. It was like he'd forgotten all about it which was really odd. Shame because he seemed good looking from his pictures and the conversation had been decent to that point. I stopped talking to him after that.
    I didn't find Match that good, there just weren't that many guys on there that I'd go for. The other thing is that where I live it is normal to settle down young so a lot of single guys have kids already and I won't date anyone who has kids.

    The trouble with the gym is that nobody really talks to each other there. I hear of other people in my area going on dates and I really wonder where they found someone to go out with!
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 11th Jun 17, 10:05 AM
    • 177 Posts
    • 352 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    I'm 28, I'm not single but when I was I used pof (which is where I met my partner). I found alot of guys on there kind of creepy though. A few were nice and could hold a decent conversation but many would just message with a few words or a huge paragraph!
    Also as I'm 28, I personally wouldn't search for guys older than 32. Maybe expand your age brackets? Do the women have to be your age or younger? There could be a really amazing 36 year old out there
    Good luck with the search! Keep going with groups you enjoy, if your happy on your own then I think it makes getting a partner much easier as people are attracted to happy people
    • Jamiehelsinki
    • By Jamiehelsinki 11th Jun 17, 10:41 AM
    • 76 Posts
    • 98 Thanks
    Jamiehelsinki
    I'm later 30's but joined pof last year, I would say keep with it. I searched plus or minus 5 years for age and a 10 mile radius.
    There are a lot of dreamers, time wasters, bunny boilers on there but some really nice girls as well.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 11th Jun 17, 10:42 AM
    • 6,873 Posts
    • 18,300 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    There's always the good old fashioned putting the word out amongst your circle, no matter how scattered, that you're looking? If with 6 degrees of separation you're linked to the known universe, then you need to get the introductions going.
    Er, there's even your family to "help" ? Although sibling humour could be painful...
    +1 for be patient. Miss Right may not be out there Right Now. May even be struggling with an icecream & vodka hangover & forswearing the entire human race this morning - give her time to find you too?!
    Also +1 for 'keep in practice' talking but with female work colleagues, odds on you'll be OK.
    • 1886
    • By 1886 11th Jun 17, 1:26 PM
    • 441 Posts
    • 402 Thanks
    1886
    I'm happily married but one of my closest friends has just split up with his g/f of 2-3 years. We went out for a drink on Friday night and he showed me some apps on his phone, one was Tinder and another was Happn I think.

    It seems like an incredibly shallow way of trying to find a partner, Tinder specifically. He must have swiped twenty girls in a matter of seconds purely on one photo and what they look like.

    Twelve years ago I was on Match.com and I met a really nice girl, we were both 26. We had a relationship for maybe 3-4 months but it did'nt work out. At the time I was really sad about it. The thing I liked about Match was that each person on there had a big profile so you could find out alot about them and you also had a compatibility percentage which was interesting. None of this swipe left or right and go through forty people in one minute.

    I personally would stick with a site like Match or PoF for a good three + months but at the same time maybe try and take a hobby you have and find which groups meet up locally. For me it would be mountain biking, groups of males and females meet up everywhere.

    Don't try too hard, sometimes you meet the one when you least expect it
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 11th Jun 17, 3:19 PM
    • 484 Posts
    • 740 Thanks
    goodwithsaving
    mariposa, I'm in exactly the same boat. I separated from my long term partner and due to working long hours etc have no friends, let alone the chance to meet anyone. I don't like online dating. I have tried it but I much prefer meeting someone face to face and letting things grow organically.
    I'm also very independent and due to heartbreak, possibly have barriers. I don't know how people do it. That said, I won't settle for anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. The turning-30 when single thing doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.
    Every time you borrow money, you’re robbing your future self. –Nathan W. Morris
    • mariposa687
    • By mariposa687 11th Jun 17, 3:45 PM
    • 75 Posts
    • 94 Thanks
    mariposa687
    mariposa, I'm in exactly the same boat. I separated from my long term partner and due to working long hours etc have no friends, let alone the chance to meet anyone. I don't like online dating. I have tried it but I much prefer meeting someone face to face and letting things grow organically.
    I'm also very independent and due to heartbreak, possibly have barriers. I don't know how people do it. That said, I won't settle for anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. The turning-30 when single thing doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.
    Originally posted by goodwithsaving
    I'd much rather meet someone offline as well .At least then you don't have to go through messaging each other and then finding out you don't get on when you actually meet up. The problem is that people don't talk to each other when they are out and about anymore. I sometimes go to gym classes but everyone is on their phone before it starts and heads straight off afterwards. I've been single for 18 months and I do find it hard because I miss the companionship of being in a relationship. Even if you have friends it isn't the same.

    OP sorry for hijacking your thread! I also asked a male friend for online dating tips and according to him I'm not doing anything wrong so I'm clueless too!
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 11th Jun 17, 6:13 PM
    • 3,083 Posts
    • 2,359 Thanks
    dekaspace
    I'm 28, I'm not single but when I was I used pof (which is where I met my partner). I found alot of guys on there kind of creepy though. A few were nice and could hold a decent conversation but many would just message with a few words or a huge paragraph!
    Also as I'm 28, I personally wouldn't search for guys older than 32. Maybe expand your age brackets? Do the women have to be your age or younger? There could be a really amazing 36 year old out there
    Good luck with the search! Keep going with groups you enjoy, if your happy on your own then I think it makes getting a partner much easier as people are attracted to happy people
    Originally posted by WibblyGirly
    Why do you only go for someone maximum 4 years older? Its not as if you were 16 and someone 20 so in different point in life, I myself (though have autism so thats a big reason why) when I tried online dating put a few lines or a large paragraph as I wanted to say enough that they realised we had a few potential things in common, or write a little and try and make sure they werent overwhelmed.

    Responses like yours show the difficulty in communication as well as even though people claim to be open minded when looking for a partner only have a small interpretation of what they are looking for (hope you don't think I am getting at you by the way.)

    I'm the same, I'm 29 and have wanted to get back dating. My experience with Tinder is not great. Few matches, I was texting one guy who then asked me out for coffee, I said yes and asked when, he said he was looking forward to it which was odd as we hadn't set a date or time. Then he texted me the following day asking how I was etc. It was like he'd forgotten all about it which was really odd. Shame because he seemed good looking from his pictures and the conversation had been decent to that point. I stopped talking to him after that.
    I didn't find Match that good, there just weren't that many guys on there that I'd go for. The other thing is that where I live it is normal to settle down young so a lot of single guys have kids already and I won't date anyone who has kids.

    The trouble with the gym is that nobody really talks to each other there. I hear of other people in my area going on dates and I really wonder where they found someone to go out with!
    Originally posted by mariposa687
    This also shows a very limited way of thinking, you seemed more interested in his apperance as well as mentioning how many people you saw on the website were not what you would go for, it seems maybe you are too picky, its something I noticed myself when attempting online dating, women would put common threads on their profile saying they were fed up with the "player" type man and things like vain men and wanted to settle with a more relaxed person, how they wanted a man who didn't overly care about his looks i.e didn't like men with muscles and other similar things.

    Then when guys like me respond (friends say the same things) get "oh you aren't our type" sometimes added on with "I don't like how you look" which contradicts their entire advert!

    That seems more of a head and heart want different things.

    I have similar problems to the OP but with me I haven't even attempted to look as I can only hold a conversation down in person and its often one sided due to my autism which is a shame as the few people I have dated I have met in person as they have been smitten with me and can tell from my mannerisms and personality what I am like.
    • indiepanda
    • By indiepanda 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    • 909 Posts
    • 6,147 Thanks
    indiepanda
    Online dating can be hard work, but I've done it a few times with some success. I am too shy to chat someone up in a bar and in case when I am out with my friends I feel like it's rude to be ignoring them whilst trying to catch a man. At least when I am meeting someone I've traded a few messages with online I know they are at least a little bit interested.

    I don't bother with Tinder, that's far too superficial. I use OKCupid, and yes, there are still plenty of idiots on there to sift through, but you can spot them pretty easily and block anyone who messages you and looks like they will be annoying. The handy thing about it you can fill out a lengthy profile and answer lots of multiple choice questions about your views on a range of topics, and between those I can get a good idea of whether I might be able to at least enjoy going for a couple of drinks with someone.

    Over a 4 year period I've gone out with about 15-20 guys I met online. One of those I dated for a couple of years and we are still friends, the next I went out with for about 2-3 months, then I didn't get back to dating for a while as the 2-3 months guy was a bit intense and scared me. Got back into it recently though and met a really nice chap and we've both suspended our internet dating accounts while we see where this goes, might be third time lucky.

    PS I should say I am in my mid 40s - which probably makes it harder to find someone single without kids than in 30s. Although what I will say is it's infinitely easier to find people like me in London than in a small town. I was lonely as hell 10 years ago living in small town Hampshire. If you are having to hunt in a small town rather than a decent sized city you have my sympathy.
    Last edited by indiepanda; 11-06-2017 at 6:32 PM.
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 11th Jun 17, 6:47 PM
    • 633 Posts
    • 397 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    The French say of English people, that they claim to like a dry white wine, but will only accept a sweet one. People will say looks aren't important ; but perhaps they are like billionaires saying "poor" millionaires are OK.
    Dating is like a crowd of people climbing into a boat, you have to be very careful at the start not to upset things ( including by being "too good" ), but then it settles down. Many relationships have been scuppered by people trying too hard, then either screwing it up, or coming on too heavy.

    "Panic is what happens in the absence of training", so I'd suggest treating each date as just a training exercise for when you really find the person you want ; do the right things, and move the relationship on as far as you can, just as a practice run. If they dump you, start again with a new training partner ; but if you find yourself married to them with a couple of kids, it's probably OK to stop training.
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 11th Jun 17, 8:03 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 352 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    Why do you only go for someone maximum 4 years older? Its not as if you were 16 and someone 20 so in different point in life, I myself (though have autism so thats a big reason why) when I tried online dating put a few lines or a large paragraph as I wanted to say enough that they realised we had a few potential things in common, or write a little and try and make sure they werent overwhelmed.

    Responses like yours show the difficulty in communication as well as even though people claim to be open minded when looking for a partner only have a small interpretation of what they are looking for (hope you don't think I am getting at you by the way.)
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    The narrow age group, I just prefer someone a similar age to me, the older you go the more chance of ex wives/kids/step kids etc and I don't want that. I don't want to be anyones second marriage or step parent.

    For the messages, the short ones looked like a copy and paste generic message, I didn't respond to those as they were usually accompanied with a near empty profile page. The ones who send huge paragraphs tended to be older guys (I was 25, they'd be in their 30s) and I just honestly couldn't be bothered to read a wall of text of some older guy planning where he would take me on a date.I also had a message from an empty profile saying he wanted to tie me up in his basement

    I am picky, can't deny it, after finishing a long term relationship I was being super choosy over what I wanted in a guy and pof makes it easy for me to ignore the ones I didn't like. I didn't want to go on dodgy dates with guys just because we had a few things in common. I lucked out, my partner had a good profile, an original first message to me and lots of cute pictures that showed him as a real person (unlike many who had poser shots with their shirts off).
    Last edited by WibblyGirly; 11-06-2017 at 8:04 PM. Reason: typo
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