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    • The Maestro
    • By The Maestro 10th Jun 17, 7:09 PM
    • 48Posts
    • 4Thanks
    The Maestro
    Child custody when I work full time - advice needed
    • #1
    • 10th Jun 17, 7:09 PM
    Child custody when I work full time - advice needed 10th Jun 17 at 7:09 PM

    I am considering separating from my wife. We have 2 young children whom I would want at least joint custody of. The thing is that I work full time and have a contract which says that I have to be prepared to travel 75% of the time.

    So obviously I am not in a position to be able to pick the children up after day care etc. It would be very difficult for me to find an alternative job in the short/medium term. Also, my wife won't work (has never worked since married even before children, or when children were looked after by others 4 days a week) and has not contributed financially to the marriage at all, so I am in a position where I need a relatively well paid job to keep us all going.

    From what I've been reading this will count against me when it comes to custody decisions. Also the fact that I am not so involved in the children's life due to the long hours and time away inherent in my job. This is not by choice, it's just a practical necessity.

    It's also made much more difficult by the fact that my wife will not discuss anything and will be very obstructive. I would expect that my wife would want to get 70% of the house + custody + large spousal maintenance. From what I read she would probably get that based on 'needs' even though she has been constantly lazy and abusive both physically and mentally. Irrespective of who is at fault (not that anyone considers that these days), the practical reality is that I am not in a position to look after the children, and I'd probably rather kill myself than having to do this job for many more years while having to pay for 2 households and rarely seeing the children.

    I've tried to think of ways to approach this which would have a reasonable outcome but I can't think of any. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or can anyone think of anything which I might not have considered?
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    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th Jul 17, 8:00 PM
    • 29,367 Posts
    • 54,828 Thanks
    That argument didn't hold on Jack's long thread.

    It was the fact that his wife hadn't worked that meant he had to maintain her, even though there was nothing to stop her looking for work as their children were much older.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Oh dear. How enabling.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Jul 17, 9:27 PM
    • 1,623 Posts
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    I'm quite shocked that you can speak with such hatred about this woman when its such a short time ago that you decided to bring a child into the world with her, and no care at all for the fact that your wife and newborn spent a week in hospital?

    Poor children.
    Last edited by Red-Squirrel; 11-07-2017 at 9:49 PM.
    • The Maestro
    • By The Maestro 15th Jul 17, 4:27 AM
    • 48 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    The Maestro
    Hi all,

    Sorry but I avoided this thread soon after I started it because I suspected a personal !!!! storm would happen, I wanted to keep to practical advice. Looking back I think I was right. What is the point in even discussing whether or not my wife may or may not be lazy or depressed, or whether I am selfish or she is selfish when we have no fault divorces and everything is found in the woman's favour? As Caroline_a said "With your current job role I would say that full time residency is not possible for you, so you have to accept that should you separate the children would stay with their mother, and you would have to apply for access to see them at weekends". So the woman gets 60-70% of the assets but the man can't ever get back the time he sacrificed away from the children putting a roof over everyone's head and providing them with y'know "food". Then to add insult to injury he's not suitable to even look after the children in future because he has a 'full time job'.

    And women go on about sacrificing their 'career' to have children (I suspect it's a very low percentage of women would make this point, just the top 1% who influence the laws and feminist SJWs). Yet very few people men or women would even go to work if they didn't have to. Very few people enjoy work and even fewer have a career. Ask anyone 'if you won the lottery would you go to work the next day?" And I'm not talking about 'work' per se, I'm just talking about the world or work today. Most people would work if it was on better terms. Compare that with having and looking after children - that's rarely a 'burden' or something anyone would give up for money.

    @Mojisola - income suport, universal credit and various other benefits are means tested against spousal maintenance. I never said anything about child maintenance.

    And before I am accused of sexism, I know that sometimes it works the opposite way around and the woman is the main breadwiner but I am just talking about the most usual case.
    Last edited by The Maestro; 15-07-2017 at 4:58 AM.
    • The Maestro
    • By The Maestro 15th Jul 17, 5:04 AM
    • 48 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    The Maestro
    I'm offering only problems and no answers. This is really difficult, but the only options I see are:

    1. UK go the whole hog like Sweden. Male 'abortions', males get equal paternity leave etc.
    2. Take the clock back 100 years and make divorce fairly impossible.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Jul 17, 9:58 PM
    • 37,664 Posts
    • 33,978 Thanks
    There was a reason why I asked about your job early on. No-one is saying you're not suitable to look after the children, least of all because you have a full-time job, but anyone involved in the decision about where the children should live would want to know how you propose combining a job in which you work 11-12 hours a day with having the children live with you.

    To me, your options would include a live-in nanny, perhaps combined with nursery /childminder, or reducing your hours.
    Still knitting!
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    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 16th Jul 17, 9:57 PM
    • 334 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    Could you have the children every other weekend?

    One problem may be the baby. Often overnight stays often don’t start until the child reaches two years old but if the ex is happy for you to have the baby then that’s good. Failing that you can have daytime access to baby.

    1 night or more during the week (ask for flexibility in pick ups) but would have to be before children’s bedtime.

    You can also ask for holidays, say 1 week at Xmas, two weeks in summer. Whatever suits you. Contact is based on YOUR availability.

    When kids are school you can get half of school holidays if you want but it all depends on what holidays.

    There has to be a question mark as to whether or not your ex will cope being a single parent based on what you have said . If she doesn’t you may well end up with residency and if you do you would seriously need to consider changing jobs.

    Public holidays and ability to see them in special days for birthdays for example. A morning or an afternoon then perhaps.

    If you have parental responsibility (on the birth certificate) entitlements come with that life example the school can keep you informed of stuff . Separate parents night etc.
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