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  • FIRST POST
    • username678
    • By username678 29th May 17, 11:35 PM
    • 4Posts
    • 7Thanks
    username678
    Husband has left me, don;t know what to do.
    • #1
    • 29th May 17, 11:35 PM
    Husband has left me, don;t know what to do. 29th May 17 at 11:35 PM
    Posting under a different username to normal. Not really sure what I want out of thisbut wanted to post.

    Husband and I have been together for 10 years and tonight he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a while and says we have grown apart. He then made me leave the flat we both rent and stay with family.

    I am distraught and I don;t know what to do. I can't sleep hence posting this time and thinking about it leaves me unable to breathe.

    He doesn't want to talk, doesn't want counselling and won't meet as friends to 'hang out'. He says he is very content with the fact that he has now ended things and refuses to let me come back to our flat to sleep on the sofa.

    I can;t stay with my family forever and I can barely (possibly not even) afford to rent a room plus bills in the two towns closest to my work. I can;t get another job as I already earn a fair wage but live in an expensive area.

    All I want is for him to let me try to make things better as I would do anything for him but he seems adamant and it's killing me.

    As I said, I don't really know what I want from this post, I guess I needed to get my feeling out. Thanks for listening.
    Last edited by username678; 31-05-2017 at 5:50 AM.
Page 2
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 31st May 17, 7:41 AM
    • 14,966 Posts
    • 20,309 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    1. It is over. He has planned this and is not changing his mind. Don't waste your energy fighting his decision. Just agree with him as that will confuse him!

    2. Go round to see him, tell him having thought about it, he is right and it is indeed over, and you would like him to sign to agree to put the tenancy in his name only. (Can he afford this??) . You will then need to notify the letting agent of this.

    3. Stay with family, cry lots (don't let him know you are upset) and eventually you will realise you are much better off without this heartless a-hole.

    4. Save up some money and find a room in a shared house, then move on with your life.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 31st May 17, 9:39 AM
    • 9,083 Posts
    • 11,363 Thanks
    hazyjo
    TAKE NOTE:


    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5531551


    Make sure the name off the tenancy thing is done properly.


    Jx
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms
    • Candyapple
    • By Candyapple 31st May 17, 2:13 PM
    • 2,059 Posts
    • 1,590 Thanks
    Candyapple
    It is a joint tenancy, however he says I can;t go back and live there, and if I do, he will leave and I'll get in to debt because I wouldn't be able to afford the rent on my own wage. We moved in just a few days ago as we had to move from our old place fast and he knew before we moved in that he wanted to end things apparently. The lease is 6 months.
    Originally posted by username678

    Wow, what an a-hole! So he used you one last time knowing that he probably wouldn't have been able to rent the property on his own salary without your wage being taken into consideration for the rent multiples/affordability test.

    He was and is my best friend, husband and life, and I think being shot in the head would hurt less than this.
    Originally posted by username678
    I think you need to take off the rose-coloured glasses and see him for what he is. No, he is not your best friend. He is your soon to be ex-husband, and thank your lucky stars you didn't have children with this 'man' and/or waste another 10 or 20+ years with him! He has given you the gift of freedom, take it with both hands and run.

    The sooner you see him for what a POS he is, the sooner you can move on with getting away from him and starting your new life. Stop pining for the man you thought he once was, he is gone. In his place is this new man who doesn't want you and treats you like this, why would you shed another tear over someone who has treated you so badly and has no respect for you whatsoever?
    I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 31st May 17, 2:46 PM
    • 5,526 Posts
    • 7,243 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    Hi everyone, just wanted to say a really big thank you to everyone who posted. I will reread posts later but for the meantime I wanted to say:

    It is a joint tenancy, however he says I can;t go back and live there, and if I do, he will leave and I'll get in to debt because I wouldn't be able to afford the rent on my own wage. We moved in just a few days ago as we had to move from our old place fast and he knew before we moved in that he wanted to end things apparently. The lease is 6 months.
    Originally posted by username678
    You have as much right to be there as him.
    If he wants you gone, it would be reasonable for you to tell him that he needs to speak with the landlord to get the lease transferred into his sole name and to repay you 50% of the deposit, and that until you have alternative accommodation you will be staying in the flat.

    Do also check out where you would stand in terms of being able to claim Universal Credit / Housing Benefit if you did end up in the flat on your own (the entitled to website is really good for checking any potential claims for benefits)

    As the tenancy is in joint names, he is jointly liable so it would be both of you getting into debt, not just you.

    How big is the flat? If he moved out, could you rent out a room to a lodger, or try to find someone to flat-share with, to help make ends meet?

    If you feel you can't go back, then contact the utilities to get your name off all the bills, arrange to go back to collect all your personal belongings etc and make clear to him that he needs to pay you 50% of the deposit and get your name off the lease. Also, if you think you might end up looking for council accommodation, double check that you won't be considered to have made yourself homeless if you agree to leave / cooperate for the tenancy t be transferred into his name - is so, tell him he needs to make a family law act application to have the tenancy transferred out of joint names so that you are not disadvantaged.


    For those of you who suggested taking time off work, I wouldn't, not only do I need the money but the thought of sitting around thinking things over would be awful. I'm lucky that I have some wonderful coworkers and an understanding management team.

    I have asked him several times if there is anyone else. He has said no but he met a friend who he seems to like and is apparently much nicer than I am.

    Our relationship wasn;t perfect but it was good. He said that I have missed all the signs that he was unhappy and he said that he 'gave it one more chance'. He didn;t tell me that he was unhappy or about the last chance as he finds it hard to communicate at times. If he had, I would've done anything and everything to make it work.

    He was and is my best friend, husband and life, and I think being shot in the head would hurt less than this.[/QUOTE]

    this is really hard. It sounds as though he is trying to make himself feel better. The fact that he 'finds it hard to communicate' is not your fault. It isn't your responsibility to guess what he felt or wanted - he's effectively trying to blame you for his own lack of openness and communication. Don't fall for that.

    Unfortunately if he has decided the relationship is over you cannot make him change his mind, but you can keep reminding yourself that*you*have not failed, or done anything wrong. It takes two people to work on a relationship, and he chose not to communicate to you that he was becoming unhappy. (so what if he finds communication hard. Lots of things are hard, but sometimes we need to do them anyway. Just because he decided that giving up was easier than trying address the issues does n't mean that you are to blame for not magically guessing what he was thinking but keeping to himself.

    Do either of you have any savings or pensions? Do you have children? Those sorts of thing will be relvant when it comes to sorting stuff out on a practuical level,.
    • username678
    • By username678 14th Jun 17, 7:29 PM
    • 4 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    username678
    Hi everyone. its been a while.

    A few days after my last post, he picked me up from work and drove me back to the flat. Didn;t know what to expect but we had dinner and a nice night as a couple and I thought all my Christmases had come at once. Same again the following night and I stayed the night and it was great. Then I had to go back to my mums as my medication was there. He then said he didn't want me back at the flat when I asked if I could come back.

    After feeling like an idiot for the morning, he said I could come back if I wanted and and I dragged all of my carp on the train and we had a few nice days. Then he started to be stand off-ish with me again, then a few nice days again, and then a complete and utter Richard to me.

    It came to blows last night where he told me the all of what has happened meant nothing, He doesn;t love me and is really happy without me. I couldn;t possibly feel like more of an idiot now. I had so much hope and now nothing. He also said that he resents that fact that I don;t earn as much as him. I earn an above average wage for my profession and have had several pay rises in the last year, and worked hard at uni to get lots of experience in the field and a first class honours degree.

    Really struggling to cope and no one IRL seems to truly understand - someone even said 'onwards and upwards - plenty more fish in the sea'. TEN YEARS I WAS WITH THIS MAN. I DO NOT WANT TO GO FISHING.

    Have had to go to the docs because things are taking a bad turn. But I am at our flat. We have a six month break clause and I'd like to grin and bear it so I had further savings but to be honest I want absolutely everything to be over.

    For previous posters: No children, only debt is his to a close family member and his car finance, and my student finance for uni. Both have separate savings of the same amount and both have work pensions. I absolutely won't leave my job to get one somewhere cheaper. It's all I have right now and my support network.

    Just wanted to update people incase anyone was interested and just looking to vent my feelings I guess.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 8:17 PM
    • 27,603 Posts
    • 70,098 Thanks
    Mojisola
    The sooner you see him for what a POS he is, the sooner you can move on with getting away from him and starting your new life.
    Originally posted by Candyapple
    A few days after my last post, he picked me up from work and drove me back to the flat. Didn;t know what to expect but we had dinner and a nice night as a couple and I thought all my Christmases had come at once. Same again the following night and I stayed the night and it was great. Then I had to go back to my mums as my medication was there. He then said he didn't want me back at the flat when I asked if I could come back.

    After feeling like an idiot for the morning, he said I could come back if I wanted and and I dragged all of my carp on the train and we had a few nice days. Then he started to be stand off-ish with me again, then a few nice days again, and then a complete and utter Richard to me.

    It came to blows last night where he told me the all of what has happened meant nothing, He doesn;t love me and is really happy without me. I couldn;t possibly feel like more of an idiot now.
    Originally posted by username678
    Hang on to that feeling and then you can take Candyapple's advice.

    What on earth possessed you to spend time with him?
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 15th Jun 17, 8:24 AM
    • 3,444 Posts
    • 12,398 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    What on earth possessed you to spend time with him?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    In a word, Mojisola, hope. And love. And loyalty. And need.

    The death of dreams is, in my experience, one of the most painful things that this life can throw at us, and I'm sure the OP is experiencing more pain than she ever thought could exist.

    Personally, I pity the husband who doesn't yet realise what he is throwing away.

    Good luck, OP.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 15th Jun 17, 8:49 AM
    • 27,603 Posts
    • 70,098 Thanks
    Mojisola
    The death of dreams is, in my experience, one of the most painful things that this life can throw at us, and I'm sure the OP is experiencing more pain than she ever thought could exist.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    It is very hard - but by going back to him, she is extending and increasing the pain.
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