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    • psstoverere
    • By psstoverere 19th May 17, 7:13 PM
    • 262Posts
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    psstoverere
    How to move on?
    • #1
    • 19th May 17, 7:13 PM
    How to move on? 19th May 17 at 7:13 PM
    I split with my partner 3 months ago after he had an affair for 4 years, after the initial fear of how i would cope, financially, emotionally and all the practicalities i am now left with the overwhelming urge to hurt them and get revenge, it almost consumes my life now (i don't think i would actually act on this). I know i need to let this go but i really dont know how, my emotions are still all over the place, How have other people managed to move on?
Page 1
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 7:33 PM
    • 13,460 Posts
    • 13,014 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #2
    • 19th May 17, 7:33 PM
    • #2
    • 19th May 17, 7:33 PM
    Try a rebound? That typically helps

    Don't go for revenge- you'll end up looking crazy / pathetic and possibly making things worse with the old bill
    • arbrighton
    • By arbrighton 19th May 17, 7:34 PM
    • 1,860 Posts
    • 1,733 Thanks
    arbrighton
    • #3
    • 19th May 17, 7:34 PM
    • #3
    • 19th May 17, 7:34 PM
    I think time is a huge part of it.
    And giving yourself some credit for every time you don't act on it.

    The anger/revenge is one of the stages of grieving for that relationship.

    Allow yourself to wallow sometimes then mentally 'shelve it' and do things you enjoy/ or just get something done that needs to be

    Hopefully over time, there will be less of those thoughts, less need to wallow or make yourself shelve it.
    • professor~yaffle
    • By professor~yaffle 19th May 17, 8:06 PM
    • 495 Posts
    • 703 Thanks
    professor~yaffle
    • #4
    • 19th May 17, 8:06 PM
    • #4
    • 19th May 17, 8:06 PM
    I split with my partner 3 months ago after he had an affair for 4 years, after the initial fear of how i would cope, financially, emotionally and all the practicalities i am now left with the overwhelming urge to hurt them and get revenge, it almost consumes my life now (i don't think i would actually act on this). I know i need to let this go but i really dont know how, my emotions are still all over the place, How have other people managed to move on?
    Originally posted by psstoverere
    There is such a thing as karma.. If he's cheated on you, he'll cheat on her. I guarantee it.
    • karcher
    • By karcher 19th May 17, 8:12 PM
    • 1,001 Posts
    • 6,630 Thanks
    karcher
    • #5
    • 19th May 17, 8:12 PM
    • #5
    • 19th May 17, 8:12 PM
    There is such a thing as karma.. If he's cheated on you, he'll cheat on her. I guarantee it.
    Originally posted by professor~yaffle
    I don't believe in karma but back on topic:

    OP it's only been 3 months that is nothing.

    The bitterness and sadness may never completely disappear but it will diminish over time.

    Maintain your dignity.

    Sadly, there is no quick fix, just give it time.
    Last edited by karcher; 19-05-2017 at 8:14 PM.
    Please excuse the occasional absence of capital letters in my posts. My left shift key seems to only work when if feels like it and i often cba to go back and edit
    • LilElvis
    • By LilElvis 19th May 17, 8:14 PM
    • 2,947 Posts
    • 8,137 Thanks
    LilElvis
    • #6
    • 19th May 17, 8:14 PM
    • #6
    • 19th May 17, 8:14 PM
    I got my revenge by finding a better man and having a great life. Far better than any petty payback could ever have been.
    • Dustyblinds
    • By Dustyblinds 19th May 17, 8:22 PM
    • 241 Posts
    • 454 Thanks
    Dustyblinds
    • #7
    • 19th May 17, 8:22 PM
    • #7
    • 19th May 17, 8:22 PM
    There is such a thing as karma.. If he's cheated on you, he'll cheat on her. I guarantee it.
    Originally posted by professor~yaffle
    I agree with this, a woman I work with had an affair with a married man, he left his wife and married this woman once he was divorced. Throughout this new marriage he's had numerous affairs, she keeps forgiving him and taking him back. I do sometimes feel sorry for her but always thought the way they met should have set alarm bells ringing. He's cheated once, he'll cheat again.
    • professor~yaffle
    • By professor~yaffle 19th May 17, 8:34 PM
    • 495 Posts
    • 703 Thanks
    professor~yaffle
    • #8
    • 19th May 17, 8:34 PM
    • #8
    • 19th May 17, 8:34 PM
    I agree with this, a woman I work with had an affair with a married man, he left his wife and married this woman once he was divorced. Throughout this new marriage he's had numerous affairs, she keeps forgiving him and taking him back. I do sometimes feel sorry for her but always thought the way they met should have set alarm bells ringing. He's cheated once, he'll cheat again.
    Originally posted by Dustyblinds
    It's the old saying: when a man marries his mistress she creates a vacancy

    Philanderers don't change.
    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 19th May 17, 8:39 PM
    • 571 Posts
    • 1,120 Thanks
    IAmWales
    • #9
    • 19th May 17, 8:39 PM
    • #9
    • 19th May 17, 8:39 PM
    I agree with time. Don't go looking for revenge, and definitely not a rebound - it's not fair on the new partner and it'll do nothing for your self esteem. Focus on yourself for a while.
    • psstoverere
    • By psstoverere 19th May 17, 8:48 PM
    • 262 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    psstoverere
    Thanks for all your replies i know deep down it will get better with time i just cant see past today at the moment, i feel stupidly lonely and dont think i will ever trust anyone ever again.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 19th May 17, 8:49 PM
    • 22,076 Posts
    • 84,549 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Try a rebound? That typically helps

    Don't go for revenge- you'll end up looking crazy / pathetic and possibly making things worse with the old bill
    Originally posted by Guest101

    Nowt wrong with a Barrier Shag. You don't have to stay with them, it just gets you out the mindset of being betrayed and possibly unappealing. If you want one, that is. Or a hundred of them.

    Certainly could stop you thinking so much about how much you hate the ex, as it's something possibly pleasant to distract you with.


    Or take up hobbies, go out more, do stuff he wouldn't have ever wanted to you/moaned about you doing. Whatever you like. If you're busy, you're not brooding.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 19th May 17, 8:51 PM
    • 5,731 Posts
    • 11,824 Thanks
    krlyr
    I got my revenge by finding a better man and having a great life. Far better than any petty payback could ever have been.
    Originally posted by LilElvis
    Completely agree! It's been about 3 months since I ended things with my ex after his affair (affair was 10 months ago, we temporarily split and tried to work through it but wasn't it working out)..I feel I have been preparing for moving on for the last 10 months so probably a bit ahead of you, but I still have moments where I wonder how I will manage on my own!

    My biggest tip would probably be to keep busy, I've been hectic at work and with my evening classes (decided to condense my last year into 7 months, partly as a good distraction!), I've been going to the gym, joined some Meetup groups (not for dating, just socialising, e.g. dog walking groups), made a point to go out with friends at work, family etc. and it's certainly kept me from moping about the house!

    And in MSE fashion, it doesn't have to cost a lot either, I've not been to the gym for the last couple of weeks as I'm doing a fitness challenge I can actually do at home (completely free to join and has a FB group 'community' too so a bit of a social aspect). Family have been great and I've had tons of free meals - I do try to make a dessert or sometimes I'll take a meal to cook at theirs, but it's a lot cheaper than going out to restaurants. The dog walks only cost me petrol (I even skimp on parking by finding a free spot 5 minutes down the road), sometimes they stop for a coffee afterwards but it's an outside cafe so easy enough to take my own drink. And throwing myself in to work doesn't cost money - in fact, it's moved me towards a promotion/payrise.

    Don't expect to be over a long-term relationship overnight...just live life and one day you'll realise you're doing alright
    • psstoverere
    • By psstoverere 19th May 17, 9:03 PM
    • 262 Posts
    • 311 Thanks
    psstoverere
    Nowt wrong with a Barrier Shag. You don't have to stay with them, it just gets you out the mindset of being betrayed and possibly unappealing. If you want one, that is. Or a hundred of them.

    Certainly could stop you thinking so much about how much you hate the ex, as it's something possibly pleasant to distract you with.


    Or take up hobbies, go out more, do stuff he wouldn't have ever wanted to you/moaned about you doing. Whatever you like. If you're busy, you're not brooding.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    I really don't hate him i wish i did, hopefully that will come with time,he never moaned or stopped me doing anything, ideal man really if he hadn't lied and cheated, your right i do feel unappealing, i am throwing myself into work and volunteering for any overtime at the moment, i have tried going out on my own but it makes me feel so lonely, i do go out with family and friends occasionally but don't want to push myself on them, i would feel like i am a burden.
    • Dustyblinds
    • By Dustyblinds 19th May 17, 9:39 PM
    • 241 Posts
    • 454 Thanks
    Dustyblinds
    Thanks for all your replies i know deep down it will get better with time i just cant see past today at the moment, i feel stupidly lonely and dont think i will ever trust anyone ever again.
    Originally posted by psstoverere
    I'm sorry your feeling this way. You will learn to trust again. You need to take some time to heal though. It's a real shock to be betrayed, but time will help. In the meantime take care of yourself, spoil yourself.
    The best 'revenge' will be you getting on with your life without him, moving on to better things.
    I wish you well xx
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 19th May 17, 9:48 PM
    • 4,471 Posts
    • 10,276 Thanks
    itsanne
    He's not worth the effort of revenge. He doesn't deserve you to waste your time on aything to do with him - including thinking of ways to get back at him. The best revenge is to go on and have a happy life wihout him..
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 19th May 17, 10:04 PM
    • 22,076 Posts
    • 84,549 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    I really don't hate him i wish i did, hopefully that will come with time,he never moaned or stopped me doing anything, ideal man really if he hadn't lied and cheated, your right i do feel unappealing, i am throwing myself into work and volunteering for any overtime at the moment, i have tried going out on my own but it makes me feel so lonely, i do go out with family and friends occasionally but don't want to push myself on them, i would feel like i am a burden.
    Originally posted by psstoverere

    It's better not to hate them - complete indifference is much better for the soul.

    I'm always surprised with just how much one of my exes still hates me now after twelve years. He contacted me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago just to tell me now much I make him sick. Oh, and how he was going to contact my OH to let him know just how disgusting I was, so that he'd leave me, too. And all my friends. And my employer.

    Seriously? He's that bothered about me and what I do after all these years (and all those women, all so much younger, slimmer, prettier, posher and richer than me ).? Umm, okayyyy. I don't suppose that's helped his subsequent relationships much, especially as he left me (much to my absolute relief at the time), so I would imagine that they've been pretty baffled that he's still raging about me so many years later.

    [shrug]


    It's not all about work - you need to have fun. Find something that involves communicating, talking, interacting with other people, where having a partner would actually be a disadvantage, even, and keep trying until your days and evenings are filled with things you enjoy doing - sooner or later, what he did won't matter anymore.

    It's how I ended up meeting the OH in the end, purely just because he was there doing roughly the same, doing things he enjoyed now that he didn't have a partner. He is half the size and ten times the man of my ex.

    You'll get there. But you have to start somewhere.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • FlyingDonkeys
    • By FlyingDonkeys 19th May 17, 10:31 PM
    • 208 Posts
    • 227 Thanks
    FlyingDonkeys
    Hey sorry to hear you are feeling so sad. Don't go for revenge. I've had the same and it will sound odd but what took it away was my faith. Through that I know God really loves me and wants the best for me. So don't put your trust in a man, put in God. Find a church that is active and pray over it with wonderful people who will support you. Seriously it works and the pain will just lift. This is what happened to me. Good luck. I will pray for you today and hope you find the peace that really does pass all understanding.
    [B][I]Flying Donkeys- When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
    Albert Einstein
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 19th May 17, 11:30 PM
    • 2,915 Posts
    • 6,402 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I really don't hate him i wish i did, hopefully that will come with time
    Originally posted by psstoverere
    Some advice from someone that's been there, do not hope for hate. It's a terrible, destructive emotion and the most destruction is wrought on the person feeling it, not the object.

    It will get better with time, but three months is hardly anything.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • skint_chick
    • By skint_chick 20th May 17, 2:48 PM
    • 639 Posts
    • 5,079 Thanks
    skint_chick
    Your best 'revenge' is to get on with living your life. It's only been a few months so you shouldn't put pressure on yourself to forget him, hate him, have any particular kind of feeling towards him. The fact that you are getting on with life without contacting him will show him that it is his loss. I found when I split from my ex that just working out a daily and weekly routine for myself helped a lot. Consider do something you wouldn't usually do, like joining an art class, visiting somewhere new, trying a social event. Don't feel that you are pushing yourselves on friends, they wouldn't be your friends if they didn't like your company! But if you want to make some new friends now is a good time to explore that.

    The lonely feeling goes away, but it does take time and worrying about your feelings doesn't make it happen any quicker. Don't rush into another relationship, don't rush into having one night stands etc, just take life as it comes. If you think you're spending too long feeling sad or thinking about him then find a hobby or activity. After my breakup I never thought I'd trust another man again or find anyone who compared to how amazing I thought my ex was, I've been happily married for years now so it definitely isn't the case.
    "I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better." Paul Theroux
    • skint_chick
    • By skint_chick 20th May 17, 2:54 PM
    • 639 Posts
    • 5,079 Thanks
    skint_chick
    It's better not to hate them - complete indifference is much better for the soul.
    I'm always surprised with just how much one of my exes still hates me now after twelve years. He contacted me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago just to tell me now much I make him sick. Oh, and how he was going to contact my OH to let him know just how disgusting I was, so that he'd leave me, too. And all my friends. And my employer.

    Seriously? He's that bothered about me and what I do after all these years (and all those women, all so much younger, slimmer, prettier, posher and richer than me ).? Umm, okayyyy. I don't suppose that's helped his subsequent relationships much, especially as he left me (much to my absolute relief at the time), so I would imagine that they've been pretty baffled that he's still raging about me so many years later.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    That sounds like he very much regrets his decision to leave you and is annoyed that you aren't still pining for him! My ex is the same, he was abusive, I finally left, but it took me months to cut off contact, when I did he started sending abuse, contacted all my friends and employer, made up lies about things I did and said, followed me. This went on for years, we only had a 'relationship' for 2 years - even now 10 years on and he lives on another continent, but still sends me emails about how I was never good enough for him the first place, and we were never in a relationship, it was all in my head (obviously he forgot the house we owned together)!
    "I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better." Paul Theroux
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