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  • FIRST POST
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 10:00 AM
    • 91Posts
    • 14Thanks
    JPB156
    We can't afford to live together and have children
    • #1
    • 19th May 17, 10:00 AM
    We can't afford to live together and have children 19th May 17 at 10:00 AM
    Hi have just joined the forum because me and my girlfriend are feeling so low in our situation.

    I am 35 and she is 30 and we have been together for 11 years, we are living with our parents and have been saving for a house, we earn about 34000 between us and have about 2300 a month after tax. We have found a house we both love but house prices are now so stupidly high, it's 190000 and we have a 40000 deposit. We can get a mortgage but we are worried about affording it in the future if interest rates rise, we feel we will be fine for a while but if we are paying anything above 10% we won't be able to do it and how can we put faith in it not going to that rate in the next 30 years.

    We want children and feel time isn't on our side there but if we have one then any savings we have would go on childcare so how would we pay for anything such as a car when ours has given up on us. A cheaper house is an option but there is so little choice in this area and feel if we wait much longer we will be priced out even more, rental prices are just as bad and keep going up aswell and then how do we pay rent after retirement. there is not much prospect of us earning more in the future.

    We just feel so trapped and that we will not only be unable to ever live together but also that means never having children. We feel so low and I've never felt worse, our relationship is so strong but I really feel scared for us and not being able to give her what she wants and deserves.

    Sorry for the long post
Page 7
    • Penitent
    • By Penitent 19th May 17, 2:39 PM
    • 1,360 Posts
    • 4,110 Thanks
    Penitent
    I'm a master of dithering, but even I'm losing patience.

    If you think the house is too expensive and are scared of negative equity, offer on one of the cheaper, fixer-uppers instead. You can then improve the property in your own time, hopefully increasing its value and making a negative equity situation less likely. Your payments will also be lower, so you'll be better able to deal with increases in interest rates.

    The first property you buy doesn't have to be your "forever home". You can use it as a stepping stone to get to the forever home. That's what most people do.

    You should be able to enjoy your home, so if buying the £190k property is going to overstretch you and result in years of "what if" terror, then it's not the property for you.
    • mai_taylor
    • By mai_taylor 19th May 17, 2:41 PM
    • 184 Posts
    • 382 Thanks
    mai_taylor
    We earn similar and bought a house at £140,000 with 5% deposit over 35 years so for the first year we had quite a high mortgage, DH retrained as an electrician so he was on a teeny tiny apprentice wage. We still managed to overpay the mortgage, save and go on holiday. Yes we don't have kids yet but the mortgage is going to go down as we get a better % and if our circumstances change we will learn to adapt. There's ways to make more money, get a lodger, take on overtime. Just go for it life's to short to worry about every eventuality.

    p.s we never rented first, just bought a house and moved in together.
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 19th May 17, 2:41 PM
    • 7,576 Posts
    • 16,692 Thanks
    heartbreak_star
    OP, I want to both hug you and shake you.

    You can afford to move out. You've done amazingly well to save the deposit you have. You can't plan for every eventuality - sh!t happens and you work around it...

    And quite frankly, if you were my partner I'd think you were looking for excuses and be pondering whether my future lies with you.

    Have you talked to your partner about how you're feeling? Properly?

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • cloudy-day
    • By cloudy-day 19th May 17, 2:45 PM
    • 225 Posts
    • 518 Thanks
    cloudy-day
    How does it affect your credit score it's not like we have been rejected, in that case it would affect it if we put an offer in, got the mortgage accepted and then the seller pulled out?
    Originally posted by JPB156
    I just had to go back and read again how old you are. 35. Honestly 35? At your age I had bought and sold 4 properties (the first one on my own) in a time of 10% interest rates. I left home at 18. I'm sorry but you just sound so nervous and clueless. You're thinking about how you'll cope when retired? FFS WHY?

    Your g/f works in a bank doesn't she have a better understanding?

    As has been pointed out numerous times - you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, you may not be able to have children, your g/f may tire of you and run off to join the circus.......who knows?

    I'm sorry OP, but if my (teenage) DS is still living at home in his mid-30s, worrying about his retirement then I know I would have failed as a parent.

    I despair sometimes I really do. Life is wasted on some people.
    Last edited by cloudy-day; 19-05-2017 at 2:48 PM.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 2:48 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    Yea I have spoke to her she knows I'm not trying to find excuses and knows that I can over think things. But she does sort of see what I mean when I show her the figures but says surely we should try. But I don't think she's thinking with her head she has set her heart on a 3 bed house in a nice area because that's what we thought we could afford when we found out how much they were willing to lend. She keeps asking if we are saying no to this house and it's breaking her heart
    • cloudy-day
    • By cloudy-day 19th May 17, 2:50 PM
    • 225 Posts
    • 518 Thanks
    cloudy-day
    Yea I have spoke to her she knows I'm not trying to find excuses and knows that I can over think things. But she does sort of see what I mean when I show her the figures but says surely we should try. But I don't think she's thinking with her head she has set her heart on a 3 bed house in a nice area because that's what we thought we could afford when we found out how much they were willing to lend. She keeps asking if we are saying no to this house and it's breaking her heart
    Originally posted by JPB156


    If this thread is anything to go by I am very surprised the woman has an ounce of sanity left.


    Here's my advice.


    BUY THE ******* HOUSE


    If it doesn't work out (for what ever reason) - sell it.


    That's it.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 2:53 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    In 5 gears we will owe 127000, if it drops below that we can't sell it, if it drops below 167000 we start losing deposit. And that's before any fees
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 19th May 17, 2:54 PM
    • 426 Posts
    • 1,061 Thanks
    davidwood123
    Be careful.

    Your girlfriend might find someone who's got his act together and be off
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 2:55 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    I'm thinking we need about 900 a month to pay for essential bills and shopping can you live on less
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 19th May 17, 2:56 PM
    • 2,596 Posts
    • 3,693 Thanks
    Malthusian
    I never usually stick my neck out like this, but here goes: in today's regulatory environment, if a mortgage lender thinks you can afford it, you can afford it.

    (The OP isn't going to blindly take my word for it or for that matter even listen, so I have little to worry about by making such an overconfident statement.)

    I could have asked the OP to break down his budget of living expenses and tell us why he thinks the mortgage lender is wrong, but really there's no point.
    • cloudy-day
    • By cloudy-day 19th May 17, 2:57 PM
    • 225 Posts
    • 518 Thanks
    cloudy-day
    In 5 gears we will owe 127000, if it drops below that we can't sell it, if it drops below 167000 we start losing deposit. And that's before any fees
    Originally posted by JPB156


    No one knows what the future will hold. If we all had your attitude not one house would have ever been sold. That's life. Deal with it or live with Mummy and Daddy for the rest of your life.

    Like others before me I will say:
    You are just making excuses.

    I'm out too.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 2:57 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    I don't understand all the personal attacks I'm asking people with more experience some idea of the cost of living why has social media turned everyone spiteful
    • black_wings
    • By black_wings 19th May 17, 3:00 PM
    • 78 Posts
    • 27 Thanks
    black_wings
    Yea I have spoke to her she knows I'm not trying to find excuses and knows that I can over think things. But she does sort of see what I mean when I show her the figures but says surely we should try. But I don't think she's thinking with her head she has set her heart on a 3 bed house in a nice area because that's what we thought we could afford when we found out how much they were willing to lend. She keeps asking if we are saying no to this house and it's breaking her heart
    Originally posted by JPB156
    Do you really need a 3 bed house? I sympathised with your initial post, regarding difficulties with getting a foot on the property ladder and how difficult it is for first time buyers but now you say you want a 3 bed in the perfect area. So actually, it sounds like you can easily afford a 2 bed in a more average area. PROBLEM SOLVED?
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 3:03 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    There's hardly any 2 beds for sale around here never realised my town had so many large houses in it until we started looking for a house
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 19th May 17, 3:03 PM
    • 2,596 Posts
    • 3,693 Thanks
    Malthusian
    I don't understand all the personal attacks
    Originally posted by JPB156
    Because we tried answering your questions moderately and it produced no useful effect, so now people are doing the verbal equivalent of grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking. It's impolite, but better than repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

    I'm asking people with more experience some idea of the cost of living
    The cost of living is whatever you want it to be. If you can't grasp that then there is little anyone can do to help.

    why has social media turned everyone spiteful
    And you want kids? You're going to have to be stronger than this if you expect to cope with a screaming toddler or a moody teenager.
    • mai_taylor
    • By mai_taylor 19th May 17, 3:04 PM
    • 184 Posts
    • 382 Thanks
    mai_taylor
    In 5 gears we will owe 127000, if it drops below that we can't sell it, if it drops below 167000 we start losing deposit. And that's before any fees
    Originally posted by JPB156
    So? You will have a home, somewhere to live that your children can grow up in.
    • Livelongandprosper
    • By Livelongandprosper 19th May 17, 3:05 PM
    • 550 Posts
    • 1,624 Thanks
    Livelongandprosper
    I'm thinking we need about 900 a month to pay for essential bills and shopping can you live on less
    Originally posted by JPB156

    Shopping here for 3 adults is £120 - £150 a month
    Rates £150
    Electric £50
    Oil £50
    Mobiles £35
    Cars (2) road tax, insurance, mots, repairs £80
    Diesel /petrol £100
    Insurances £30

    So yes you can. That's the bare essentials. Everything else like bb, tv, Sky etc is a choice.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 3:07 PM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    The comment about price was a reply to someone saying sell if it doesn't work out.

    How is the cost of living whatever you want it to be, there will be a bare minimum that you can't get below unless you starve or have your water cut off
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 19th May 17, 3:07 PM
    • 575 Posts
    • 799 Thanks
    anna_1977
    I don;t think people at meaning to be spiteful, it's just frustrating. This is a massive purchase and we all understand this but from this end it does look like you're finding excuse after excuse not to buy the house. Don't feel pressured by the other half, if you don't want to commit to it don't buy it

    Good luck, I really hope you sort out what you want
    • helcat26
    • By helcat26 19th May 17, 3:08 PM
    • 1,010 Posts
    • 2,627 Thanks
    helcat26
    I can see that you are cautious
    However most youngish couples buying a house together take a risk.
    You work out what you can afford now, build in a bit of safety and go for it.
    If you spend all your time looking at what ifs you will never buy a house.


    I will give you the following advice despite the fact I do not think you will like it
    1. You should live together in a short term rental before you buy. People can be incredibly irritating at close quarters.
    2. When you get a mortgage go for the lowest term length in time you can afford
    3. Be prepared to not buy your ideal property- have vision, be prepared to work on a house, be prepared to wait for things you want- like a new kitchen. It does not have to come ready made. You are a team leader- view DIY as a team building experience.
    4. Faint heart never won fair lady. You might think all this prevarication make you look responsible and cautious. She will probably think you are a wuss.
    5. Your parents are probably well fed up and wanting you to leave.


    Good luck
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