Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 10:00 AM
    • 91Posts
    • 14Thanks
    JPB156
    We can't afford to live together and have children
    • #1
    • 19th May 17, 10:00 AM
    We can't afford to live together and have children 19th May 17 at 10:00 AM
    Hi have just joined the forum because me and my girlfriend are feeling so low in our situation.

    I am 35 and she is 30 and we have been together for 11 years, we are living with our parents and have been saving for a house, we earn about 34000 between us and have about 2300 a month after tax. We have found a house we both love but house prices are now so stupidly high, it's 190000 and we have a 40000 deposit. We can get a mortgage but we are worried about affording it in the future if interest rates rise, we feel we will be fine for a while but if we are paying anything above 10% we won't be able to do it and how can we put faith in it not going to that rate in the next 30 years.

    We want children and feel time isn't on our side there but if we have one then any savings we have would go on childcare so how would we pay for anything such as a car when ours has given up on us. A cheaper house is an option but there is so little choice in this area and feel if we wait much longer we will be priced out even more, rental prices are just as bad and keep going up aswell and then how do we pay rent after retirement. there is not much prospect of us earning more in the future.

    We just feel so trapped and that we will not only be unable to ever live together but also that means never having children. We feel so low and I've never felt worse, our relationship is so strong but I really feel scared for us and not being able to give her what she wants and deserves.

    Sorry for the long post
Page 2
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 10:51 AM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    Hi have just joined the forum because me and my girlfriend are feeling so low in our situation.

    I am 35 and she is 30 and we have been together for 11 years, we are living with our parents and have been saving for a house, we earn about 34000 between us - so basically minimum wage? and have about 2300 a month after tax. We have found a house we both love but house prices are now so stupidly high, it's 190000 and we have a 40000 deposit. - well why don't you rent? We can get a mortgage but we are worried about affording it in the future if interest rates rise, we feel we will be fine for a while but if we are paying anything above 10% we won't be able to do it and how can we put faith in it not going to that rate in the next 30 years.

    We want children and feel time isn't on our side there but if we have one then any savings we have would go on childcare so how would we pay for anything such as a car when ours has given up on us. A cheaper house is an option but there is so little choice in this area and feel if we wait much longer we will be priced out even more, rental prices are just as bad and keep going up aswell and then how do we pay rent after retirement. there is not much prospect of us earning more in the future.

    We just feel so trapped and that we will not only be unable to ever live together but also that means never having children. We feel so low and I've never felt worse, our relationship is so strong but I really feel scared for us and not being able to give her what she wants and deserves.

    Sorry for the long post
    Originally posted by JPB156
    I think you need to stop worrying and start doing.


    We survive just fine with less income than that and kids
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 10:55 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    Thank you for all your replies everyone, and thanks for the kind words fireflyaway. There are so few cheaper properties around here and do feel rushed in case the housing situation goes more against us, feel if we don't do it now we never will be able to. We aren't keen on renting for the reasons you mentioned but also you can be chucked out at any time and how would we pay it in retirement. I'm just so low as my girlfriend wants to give it a go with this house but I can only see it going one way, but I can see how much me saying no upsets her and I hate it which is what makes me so scared for our relationship.
    • pmlindyloo
    • By pmlindyloo 19th May 17, 10:56 AM
    • 10,653 Posts
    • 12,544 Thanks
    pmlindyloo
    You are obviously good at saving and have sensible attitudes towards your future. You are aware that you are going to have to be careful with your expenditure. You do not appear to be credit card 'happy' and have looked at everything very carefully.

    So, a good start.
    But, sometimes you just have to take the plunge!

    From what you have said you will manage absolutely fine. Yes, you will have to watch the pennies, save for anything you want, not get into huge debt, think about getting second jobs/part time work, take in a lodger. There are all kinds of options open to you and you seem the kind of couple that will be willing to take up these options. Good on you.

    If children come along then you may have to tighten your belts again but children do not have to be expensive. You may even be entitled to some tax credits etc.

    It's a case of being prepared to make some sacrifices to achieve what you want. And.... things change. A new job opportunity may arrive for example. You could both consider doing a course to improve your job prospects. Just be open minded.

    I say 'go for it'!
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 19th May 17, 10:59 AM
    • 589 Posts
    • 826 Thanks
    anna_1977
    I think you need to stop worrying and take the plunge as others have said.

    I also hate to put a negative on this but you are naturally assuming you will be having children, not all people can.

    Good luck
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:05 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    p00hsticks we are nothing living separately with our own parents and I'm sorry if I have come across as if I'm trying to stop the relationship progressing but that couldn't be further from the truth. I am desperate for that and in fact while we have been looking for a house it has been me getting frustrated with her because she was quite fussy and wanted to wait for the dream home, now we have found it and realise we can't have it and it seems a big waste of time effort and stress.

    I just can't bring myself to say yes as I'm convinced it will end up in repossession and feel we need to go cheaper but there's even less choice around here for that and it's crushing us both
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 19th May 17, 11:07 AM
    • 22,297 Posts
    • 57,185 Thanks
    pollypenny
    As your partner works for a bank, surely she can get a beneficial mortgage, perhaps fixed for a longer period.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • gallygirl
    • By gallygirl 19th May 17, 11:09 AM
    • 16,414 Posts
    • 107,585 Thanks
    gallygirl
    You have seen a house you like at 190k, but there are some at 100k, albeit needing a lot of work or presumably in 'bad' areas. How about a little less - say 160k? If you have been looking a while though and know the market then maybe you need to take the plunge. If you wait till you can safely afford everything that could go wrong you will never do it.

    There are 10 year fixes available at less than 3%, e.g First Direct at 2.89%. You really can't see any further into the future than that! As others have said, put money aside as soon as you move in to cushion you for the future.

    Good luck and go for it! It is only right to be scared to take on such a large debt - it's probably those who jump in with a cavalier attitude who are most at risk.
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
    Mortgage Balance = £0
    "Do what others won't early in life so you can do what others can't later in life"
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:11 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    She gets a slightly lower interest rate-about 0.1 percent but no other difference in deals
    • clint_S
    • By clint_S 19th May 17, 11:11 AM
    • 354 Posts
    • 559 Thanks
    clint_S
    We would love to but the options aren't there, I'm a team leader and management barely get more than me, she works in a bank and has been trying for years to move up and the opportunity just isn't there, as they are making cutbacks more than anything.
    We may be able to earn more but there is no guarantee so how can we just rest on that. We are trying to be sensible and maybe I'm a bit over cautious but 150000 mortgage on 34000 salary sounds too far.
    Originally posted by JPB156
    There are lots of options. Change jobs, change careers, increase you qualifications. Just because your current employer doesn't pay well in your current occupation doesn't mean other are the same.
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 19th May 17, 11:12 AM
    • 8,035 Posts
    • 26,787 Thanks
    fairy lights
    I just can't bring myself to say yes as I'm convinced it will end up in repossession and feel we need to go cheaper but there's even less choice around here for that and it's crushing us both
    Originally posted by JPB156
    Frankly you need to stop being such a Donny Downer. You've got enough saved up for a deposit, you know you can afford the mortgage on your current salaries, so why are you so focused on worst case scenarios?
    No one can predict the future, but surely at least taking a chance is better than living with your respective parents and agonising about moving forwards forever? Buy the house, get a lodger, if your situations change you can always sell up.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 11:13 AM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    p00hsticks we are nothing living separately with our own parents and I'm sorry if I have come across as if I'm trying to stop the relationship progressing but that couldn't be further from the truth. I am desperate for that and in fact while we have been looking for a house it has been me getting frustrated with her because she was quite fussy and wanted to wait for the dream home, now we have found it and realise we can't have it and it seems a big waste of time effort and stress.

    I just can't bring myself to say yes as I'm convinced it will end up in repossession and feel we need to go cheaper but there's even less choice around here for that and it's crushing us both
    Originally posted by JPB156


    Going to be blunt now:


    1: you're 35 and she's 30, for goodness sake it's time to fly the nest. Go to a letting agent and rent a property. See if you can actually live together before you decide to have children!


    2: Ok it gets repossessed (I mean it wont, because that's not how it works - that takes months and you can just sell it), but jesus you could get run over by a bus tomorrow.


    Go, find a house to rent, now today and live together for a year. fly the nest. I'm not trying to compare, but i'm younger than you, and I left home at 18 - it helps put things in to perspective when you rely on yourself.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:15 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    The money we put aside would be for childcare then the rest would have to pay for new cars and everything else for the entire period.

    160000 price is where I feel more comfortable but there's 1 house on there at the moment for that price in this town which doesn't need lots spent on it which is why we are scared we will get priced out before we find one
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:18 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    How can you say it won't be repossessed, house prices are at record highs at some point they will crash, you can't 'just sell it' if your in negative equity
    • ssparks2003
    • By ssparks2003 19th May 17, 11:19 AM
    • 133 Posts
    • 181 Thanks
    ssparks2003
    I'm sorry but its "big girl pants time" for you. you are both young so get off your backsides and do something to change your situation. Comments such as:

    " I'm a team leader and management barely get more than me, she works in a bank and has been trying for years to move up and the opportunity just isn't there"

    just smack of you sitting on your hands waiting for luck to fall into your laps. There is a big wide world out there with lots of opportunities if you are willing to go out and find them, apply for jobs in other companies, other towns, other counties, look at changing what you do, if you need better qualifications go and get them, if it is too expensive to live in that area consider relocating. No one is going to help you if you do not help yourself so either make your own destiny or adjust your expectations in life.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 11:21 AM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    The money we put aside would be for childcare then the rest would have to pay for new cars and everything else for the entire period.

    160000 price is where I feel more comfortable but there's 1 house on there at the moment for that price in this town which doesn't need lots spent on it which is why we are scared we will get priced out before we find one
    Originally posted by JPB156
    Why, you both work minimum wage, why bother with child care at all? One of you can just give up work for 3 years then do part time.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 11:22 AM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    How can you say it won't be repossessed, house prices are at record highs at some point they will crash, you can't 'just sell it' if your in negative equity
    Originally posted by JPB156
    Then rent, but move out and try living together first
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:25 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    There is more to this than the money side we are just as desperate about our own personal feelings about realising we cannot afford what we thought we could, but I know that's not what this thread is for.

    So on the financial side does a 150000 mortgage on 34000 wage sound foolish and unrealistic, it's hard to work out how much other bills will cost
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 19th May 17, 11:26 AM
    • 1,624 Posts
    • 4,367 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    These posts make me want to give you a shake! Can only assume your girlfriend is a bit of a 'glass half empty' type of person too or I don't know how she'd put up with your attitude without going mad!

    You aren't rich, no, but you earn enough combined to move out and see how you get on living together and being a bit more grown up and independent. Just do that first, don't overthink the rest for now.
    • JPB156
    • By JPB156 19th May 17, 11:27 AM
    • 91 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    JPB156
    Living on one wage would lose more than we would spend on childcare, we would have to pay mortgage and everything else on 1150
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th May 17, 11:27 AM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    There is more to this than the money side we are just as desperate about our own personal feelings about realising we cannot afford what we thought we could, but I know that's not what this thread is for.

    So on the financial side does a 150000 mortgage on 34000 wage sound foolish and unrealistic, it's hard to work out how much other bills will cost
    Originally posted by JPB156
    At what rate? I mean you're asking questions people cannot answer. What cars do u intend to buy? Do u need two? What's your insurance? Bills for 3 people typically 800 a month?
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,022Posts Today

6,232Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • RT @thismorning: 'Sometimes the best gift is releasing somebody else from the obligation of having to give to you' says @MartinSLewis. Do y?

  • Shana tova umetuka - a sweet Jewish New Year to all celebrating. I won't be online the rest of t'week, as I take the time to be with family

  • Dear Steve. Please note doing a poll to ask people's opinion does not in itself imply an opinion! https://t.co/UGvWlMURxy

  • Follow Martin