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    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 17th May 17, 3:52 PM
    • 7Posts
    • 3Thanks
    Newstart2017
    Relationship breakdown?
    • #1
    • 17th May 17, 3:52 PM
    Relationship breakdown? 17th May 17 at 3:52 PM
    Hello

    I don't really know where to start. My husband walked out on Sunday evening to have time to think about what he wants! He is currently with his parents while I remain in the marital home.

    This was pretty much out of the blue, there have been some issues - he is currently snowed under at Work and has too many hobbies meaning he is very very stressed. Relationship wise we are a great team, he admits I am his best friend and he loves being with me. Sexually things are not great because I have an injury that is taking some time to heal. The sexual side of our relationship has been gone since December 😞

    It came to a head because he has been offered a new job overseas which will involve him giving up his hobbies and me my job. He wouldn't talk to me about his views and kept putting it off - until Sunday. It has come out that he wants to 'restart' his life and isn't sure I can fit in to it.

    I am heartbroken as I haven't been able to talk to him since he went and he won't tell me when he is coming back to talk. I know he has to think about things but I can't help but think he is just thinking how to tell me it is over 😞

    I am now scared of the financial side of things - obviously I hope we can work things out but if he won't try where do I stand?

    We have been together 10.5 years, married for 3 and owned a home in joint names for 9 years. We are not in the original house - we moved to this house 2 years ago.

    I currently have 2 credit cards in my name, he has one in his. Mine total £16k (0%) his £4K - I am terrified that he won't let us use the equity to pay these off! I am earning less than half what he does and they have paid for holidays/house stuff etc so not my personal debt.

    He also has shares totalling £18k which he views as his pension - would this be money that can be split?

    There is equity in the house £80k so I would presume I get 50% but I really want to know that the debt is cleared 50% from the £80k as I will be left in a much worse position from this.

    It is heartbreaking because he won't talk so I cannot even try and work out issues! We have literally just come back from a 3 week holiday of a lifetime and he was so happy - to me he is depressed and wants to run away from the stress of his job. Unfortunately he is adding me in to this 😞

    All of our friends were his originally as I moved to be here so don't really have anyone I am close enough to talk to and this is so hard. Sorry for blabbing - any advice on anything gratefully received!

    I never thought at 30 I would be in this horrible position 😞 Xxx
Page 2
    • Gigervamp
    • By Gigervamp 18th May 17, 2:03 PM
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    Gigervamp
    I'm concerned that you've got a lot of debt, which was used for joint holidays and things for the house, when he earns more than you.

    Why wasn't he paying for these things, or at least sharing the cost?

    And why were you taking on debt for holidays?
    • dirtycredit
    • By dirtycredit 18th May 17, 2:24 PM
    • 142 Posts
    • 237 Thanks
    dirtycredit
    Alarm bells would be ringing off the hook if it was me..

    he also teaches music so is doing these 3/4nights each week and every Saturday until 2pm.

    I think the stress with these has come from the fact that when we moved to this house it was away from his day job and hobbies - he therefore stays at work on these days and doesn't get Home until 11pm.
    His hobbies are stressing him out? are you sure these are hobbies and not another woman that he spends every night and saturday with stressing him out because she wants him to break up with you?

    I'd book that solicitors appointment and get all of your ducks in a row if I were you.

    DC x
    LBM-May 2015 DFD-Dec 2017 Total debt £27077/5681(77% Paid)
    Halifax-3124/2690 Lloyds-4326/2991
    StudentLoan-1173/
    PAID Tesco-4616/PAID Home improvements- 11000/PAID
    MBNA-4014/PAID


    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 18th May 17, 2:37 PM
    • 15,669 Posts
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    motorguy
    Alarm bells would be ringing off the hook if it was me..

    His hobbies are stressing him out? are you sure these are hobbies and not another woman that he spends every night and saturday with stressing him out because she wants him to break up with you?

    I'd book that solicitors appointment and get all of your ducks in a row if I were you.

    DC x
    Originally posted by dirtycredit
    Agreed

    It just doesnt stack up. Sex suddenly non existent since last Dec? This is another indicator.

    Sounds to me like he is looking for a fresh start with someone else - or at very least very confused about who to chose....
    You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 18th May 17, 7:16 PM
    • 23,239 Posts
    • 90,211 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    You are right and before the health issue I was still putting off children as I told him he would need to be here more. It is something he says he would do but I am not sure and as you say we don't see each other much now!

    I was for the job at first because I felt it would be good for both of us to get to spend more time together and him quit the extra stuff. However, a close family member has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and this started me doubting I could go. He didn't like this as I think he really sees it as some sort of escape plan. I have tried saying he can quit things without moving away but he doesn't view it like that.

    I am annoyed - it is just so hard because I am so upset too! It also makes me annoyed/sad that he isn't coming home - so effectively I will end up doing everything if it goes wrong!

    Thank you for the support xx
    Originally posted by Newstart2017

    Giving up music? That won't work.

    It's not so much a hobby as an essential part of who he is. You might as well tell him it's going to be good for him to give up breathing and stay at home with you more.

    My OH was in a similar situation with his ex wife. You notice I say 'My OH' and his 'ex wife'. Their main mistake was in actually having a baby - before it fell apart within a year.


    I'm sorry for your predicament, but I can't see this ending well.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • mademoiselle
    • By mademoiselle 18th May 17, 7:20 PM
    • 376 Posts
    • 1,203 Thanks
    mademoiselle
    I think you need to start doing some very clear thinking, right now.

    Because it's pretty obvious, from what you have posted, that your OH has done a LOT of thinking already. Moving to another country? Debts all in your name? He 'needs space' and has gone to live elsewhere? Not talking to you? Those aren't red flags, those are the countdown to a nuclear missile attack!

    Men only make moves like this when they have already decided what they are doing - and it looks like he doesn't give a **** what happens to you. IMHO, he's doing the classic jump from one relationship to another, without bothering to inform you that he already has lined his next nest, elsewhere. I would love to be proved wrong. Don't think I am.

    Sorry to be the bearer of such cynicism, but I think your intuition is ahead of you - you sort of already know he is leaving you, don't you?

    Tool up, girl! Go see a solicitor, now, and see what you can do to protect yourself.
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 18th May 17, 9:10 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Newstart2017
    Thank you so much for your replies!

    I am 90% certain there is no one else - he is definetly at the music stuff when he isn't here - Jojo is right it is part of him and I have never tried to stop him.

    We did meet today but he just says he feels like he is drowning with everything and needs to think. It eventually started to annoy me and I told him I will make a decision soon because he can't just do this.

    I feel he is very depressed - he has all the signs but won't get help! I told him if he refuses to go to see a counsellor then I think it is over. I would never be able to trust him if he didn't get help.

    I am angry at the moment and just sad as I feel I am about to watch my best friend throw everything away. I am alone as stated before so maybe it is time I started to work on me and making sure I don't stay like this!

    In relation to the debt - we had a very good deal and bought our furniture when we moved to this house as it was interest free until 2020. The holidays were two trips later on in the year which are for family things and we have just got back from NZ which took a massive hit as we hadn't saved enough in time. Awful I know - we were paying a massive chunk off each month. Annoyingly the other 2 are non refundable and will probably go to waste now!

    I do know he is selfish as he still keeps saying it is his decision and it is starting to make me question him - even in the future as I don't want this to happen again when I am too old to have children/meet someone in time. It is breaking me though.

    I am working from home tomorrow and will be trying to see a solicitor just so I know and also booking in at relate if I can.

    Thank you for the support - it is good to hear other people's opinions as I do feel I have been blinkered! Xx
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th May 17, 10:17 PM
    • 3,468 Posts
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    paddy's mum
    he still keeps saying it is his decision
    Originally posted by Newstart2017
    Then it's about time someone told him very forcefully that the days when men owned their wives have long gone and that you are as capable and entitled as he is in directing matters. There's no law in this country that I know of that compels you to sit in silence and wait for the other shoe to drop. What advantage to you in being a fallen leaf drifting along in the stream?

    Might it be worth trying to have a quiet word with his parents since presumably they must be as aghast at the situation as you are and equally concerned for his wellbeing.
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 18th May 17, 10:24 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Newstart2017
    Thank you Paddy's Mum - I know you are right. It is just so hard when you love someone to push him - although I understand that I deserve better right now!

    I know from speaking to him tonight that he isn't talking to his parents either - he has simply told them we have had a disagreement! I think I might take your advice and call them tomorrow - even if it just puts them in the picture.

    Thanks again to everyone for the support xx
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 19th May 17, 5:55 PM
    • 23,239 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Not knowing either of you personally, it sounds to me that he's having thoughts about whether he's settled down too young/whether he can do this for the rest of his life.

    This can happen and be thrown into sharp relief if they meet somebody else who represents freedom and youth (and, unfortunately, 22 year old females seem to be very impressed by blokes that play the guitar, have jobs and houses; it's not so much fun for them when they realise that they've actually got themselves somebody who is now homeless, skint and none of the amazing things they think are going to happen together actually do. Don't ask me why they're so impressed, I've played in enough bands - and been almost knocked down in the desperate rush to get to them once we've come offstage - to know they're just blokes like any other) - but it isn't the only way it happens.

    If he uses the phrase 'I feel so old', that's a big clue. Wanting a baby when you don't, perhaps because he thinks that knocking on 30 is the time he should do it by, is another one - don't agree, because there's a high likelihood that after the initial joy has worn off, it's still something that he isn't content with. And, unfairly, your being unwell/unable to have physical intimacy is likely to have contributed towards it, as that doesn't just potentially leave him feeling uncared for (like I said, it's not fair, but feelings of rejection don't have logic) but he could be thinking that this could be what it's like forever. He could also be feeling that not wanting to have a baby is a rejection of him.

    He might also hate the place you've moved to. That's something that happens sometimes, there might be no reason for it, but it might not be 'right' in some way, he could be sick of the attitude of locals, noise, traffic, the dull, miserable weather after a trip to a beautiful part of the world, it could be that everything has got on top of him and he's trying to find a way out, but your reluctance to change location is leaving him feeling trapped.


    I don't know if this is something that can be fixed or not.

    But I think, whatever happens, you make it clear that all the debts are going to be settled before anything else if he's deciding to separate.


    And, I'm sorry to say this, but be prepared for him not actually having stayed at his parents. Better to be prepared and find out he's been there all the time, than caught offguard by his Mum not having seen or heard from him all week.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • owen_money
    • By owen_money 21st May 17, 5:04 AM
    • 393 Posts
    • 492 Thanks
    owen_money
    are you sure there is no one else involved?
    Originally posted by gabriel1980
    I agree, he's getting it else where
    One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Roland (1876 - 1950)
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 21st May 17, 6:52 AM
    • 16,080 Posts
    • 39,946 Thanks
    FBaby
    I agree, he's getting it else where
    Originally posted by owen_money
    Why this is often the case, it isn't always. Why do people systematically assume there is?

    I know a few people who decided to leave their long term partner but not because or when someone else was involved. In most cases, it was because they felt suffocated, usually be responsibilities and expectations and desperately wanted to start a less stressful life, which involved starting again.

    OP, whatever his reasons, and whatever the outcome, I hope it all works out for you.
    • Jamiehelsinki
    • By Jamiehelsinki 21st May 17, 8:35 PM
    • 100 Posts
    • 151 Thanks
    Jamiehelsinki
    I wont comment on the relationship side as no one really knows what's going on in someone's head.

    Don't worry about the debt being in your name to much though, there are joint assets to cover this if you do divorce.
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