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    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 17th May 17, 3:52 PM
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    Newstart2017
    Relationship breakdown?
    • #1
    • 17th May 17, 3:52 PM
    Relationship breakdown? 17th May 17 at 3:52 PM
    Hello

    I don't really know where to start. My husband walked out on Sunday evening to have time to think about what he wants! He is currently with his parents while I remain in the marital home.

    This was pretty much out of the blue, there have been some issues - he is currently snowed under at Work and has too many hobbies meaning he is very very stressed. Relationship wise we are a great team, he admits I am his best friend and he loves being with me. Sexually things are not great because I have an injury that is taking some time to heal. The sexual side of our relationship has been gone since December 😞

    It came to a head because he has been offered a new job overseas which will involve him giving up his hobbies and me my job. He wouldn't talk to me about his views and kept putting it off - until Sunday. It has come out that he wants to 'restart' his life and isn't sure I can fit in to it.

    I am heartbroken as I haven't been able to talk to him since he went and he won't tell me when he is coming back to talk. I know he has to think about things but I can't help but think he is just thinking how to tell me it is over 😞

    I am now scared of the financial side of things - obviously I hope we can work things out but if he won't try where do I stand?

    We have been together 10.5 years, married for 3 and owned a home in joint names for 9 years. We are not in the original house - we moved to this house 2 years ago.

    I currently have 2 credit cards in my name, he has one in his. Mine total £16k (0%) his £4K - I am terrified that he won't let us use the equity to pay these off! I am earning less than half what he does and they have paid for holidays/house stuff etc so not my personal debt.

    He also has shares totalling £18k which he views as his pension - would this be money that can be split?

    There is equity in the house £80k so I would presume I get 50% but I really want to know that the debt is cleared 50% from the £80k as I will be left in a much worse position from this.

    It is heartbreaking because he won't talk so I cannot even try and work out issues! We have literally just come back from a 3 week holiday of a lifetime and he was so happy - to me he is depressed and wants to run away from the stress of his job. Unfortunately he is adding me in to this 😞

    All of our friends were his originally as I moved to be here so don't really have anyone I am close enough to talk to and this is so hard. Sorry for blabbing - any advice on anything gratefully received!

    I never thought at 30 I would be in this horrible position 😞 Xxx
Page 1
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 17th May 17, 4:06 PM
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    PeacefulWaters
    • #2
    • 17th May 17, 4:06 PM
    • #2
    • 17th May 17, 4:06 PM
    No short term advice beyond take your time before making any big decisions.

    Longer term, things will be ok. Different perhaps, but you'll get through it and be better for it.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 17th May 17, 9:09 PM
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    mark5
    • #3
    • 17th May 17, 9:09 PM
    • #3
    • 17th May 17, 9:09 PM
    Debts are usually taken into account when splitting assets but you have a short marriage with no mention of children so assets may not be split 50/50.

    Have you brought 50/50 of the assets into the marriage?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th May 17, 9:19 PM
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    Mojisola
    • #4
    • 17th May 17, 9:19 PM
    • #4
    • 17th May 17, 9:19 PM
    We have been together 10.5 years, married for 3 and owned a home in joint names for 9 years.
    Originally posted by Newstart2017
    you have a short marriage with no mention of children so assets may not be split 50/50.
    Originally posted by mark5
    The time before the marriage will be counted so the financial split should start at 50/50.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 17th May 17, 9:27 PM
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    TBagpuss
    • #5
    • 17th May 17, 9:27 PM
    • #5
    • 17th May 17, 9:27 PM
    Sorry to hear about this.

    If the worst comes to the worst then in sorting out a financial split the aim is to be fair to you both. The start point is 50/50. A court would look at the length of the relationship, not just the marriage, so 10 years, not 3.

    With debts, its usually about how the money was spent - who had the benefit of it. So if the debt was built up paying for stuff for both of you, like holidays, things for the house and so on, it would be normal for them to be treated as joint debt, and for them to be paid out of the joint assets.

    Any debt used solely for your benefit or solely for his would usually not be treated as joint.

    AS you earn less than him, it might be considered fair for you to have a bit more than 50% of the total assets, particualrly if that would make the difference between being able to afford to re-house and being unable to do so.

    Any assets, in either name, go into the 'pot', so the shares in his name, and any actual pension either of you have would also be part of the 'pot'.

    Because the overriding aim is to be fair and reasonable, it is of course open to either of you to argue that not everything should be split 50/50; sometimes if one person has (say) assets built up before the relationship started (such as a dormant pension, or shares they owned before the start of the relationship) it might be fair for them to keep that portion of the assets, or to have more than half of it.

    Short term, it would be worth you and him both considering going to Relate of another similar organisation, or a family counsellor, to see whether you can work together to see whether the relationship is salvageable. You might find it useful to see someone alone if he won't go with you.

    And also, on a practical level, see if you can do balance transfers for your credit cards to the longest interest-free deal you can find, so you have as long as possible to get them cleared, and can start to pay them down is at all possible.

    Also think about your earning capacity and if/when you might be able to boost your earnings so you have options if he decides (or you decide) you don't want to stay together.

    Have a chat with a solicitor - it's always better if you have some idea of what might happen and what choices you have. Hopefully you won't need them, but at least you'll know.

    Good luck.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 17th May 17, 9:43 PM
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    mark5
    • #6
    • 17th May 17, 9:43 PM
    • #6
    • 17th May 17, 9:43 PM
    The time before the marriage will be counted so the financial split should start at 50/50.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    For his shares?
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 17th May 17, 9:48 PM
    • 7 Posts
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    Newstart2017
    • #7
    • 17th May 17, 9:48 PM
    • #7
    • 17th May 17, 9:48 PM
    Thank you for the responses! There are no children in the relationship.

    The original deposit on our first house was his (£5k) 9 years ago - we moved from there after a year and used the equity for house number 2 - we are in house number 3 now.

    I would like to hope that it does mean 50/50 - I don't earn as much but we do have a joint account and dip in as needed so don't pay a percentage. I am most worried about being lumbered with the majority of the debt as he will be in a better position than me afterwards either way 😞 Not feeling I should have more but my credit cards paid for joint holidays etc!

    Thanks again for the help - I just can't think clearly at the moment!
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th May 17, 9:51 PM
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    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 17th May 17, 9:51 PM
    • #8
    • 17th May 17, 9:51 PM
    For his shares?
    Originally posted by mark5
    Yes, all debts and assets are considered, including savings and pensions.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 17th May 17, 10:00 PM
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    mark5
    • #9
    • 17th May 17, 10:00 PM
    • #9
    • 17th May 17, 10:00 PM
    Thank you for the responses! There are no children in the relationship.

    The original deposit on our first house was his (£5k) 9 years ago - we moved from there after a year and used the equity for house number 2 - we are in house number 3 now.

    I would like to hope that it does mean 50/50 - I don't earn as much but we do have a joint account and dip in as needed so don't pay a percentage. I am most worried about being lumbered with the majority of the debt as he will be in a better position than me afterwards either way 😞 Not feeling I should have more but my credit cards paid for joint holidays etc!

    Thanks again for the help - I just can't think clearly at the moment!
    Originally posted by Newstart2017
    Don't go in to this assuming it's all over unless that's what you want, all relationships have high and low points!
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 17th May 17, 10:14 PM
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    Newstart2017
    Thank you everyone again!

    It is not what I want at all - he is just such a closed book I cannot see that he is thinking of anything other than escaping everything in his life, including me ��

    I called him as I feel I deserve a talk about it - he has agreed to meet tomorrow between Work and a commitment of his. I am going to try and talk and see if he will listen. I am also going to suggest counselling - I will go even if he doesn't want to.

    TBagpuss thank you for the detailed reply - it is good to have a rough idea where I stand. I will look at seeing a solicitor if it goes wrong tomorrow.

    Thanks again for the help - I am going to try and stay positive even if I feel that my world is about to end! Xx
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 17th May 17, 10:50 PM
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    gettingtheresometime
    When you say he has hobbies that cause him stress what do you mean?
    I only ask as hobbies are meant to relax you not stress you out! Have you ever suggested he drops some & if so what's his reaction?

    Tbh it sounds odd...you don't apply for a new job if one of the sacrifices is you have to give up hobbies, especially if those hobbies are causing stress.

    And tbh I'd be mighty naffed off if my oh graced me with an appointment between work & whatever commitment he has to discuss our future - I would expect him to give me at least that courtesy
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - the Argos Card!
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 17th May 17, 10:59 PM
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    Newstart2017
    Thanks gettingtheresometime!

    He is musical so the hobbies are related to this - he also teaches music so is doing these 3/4nights each week and every Saturday until 2pm.

    I think the stress with these has come from the fact that when we moved to this house it was away from his day job and hobbies - he therefore stays at work on these days and doesn't get Home until 11pm.

    This added to the very stressful day job I feel is causing the depression he seems to have.

    I have suggested giving up hobbies, changing jobs to do music full time, moving closer to work - all of these are met with no no things are fine! Obviously they aren't - it is as if he sees it as failure to give them up. However, the job abroad is a reason he would have to so I don't think he feels as bad about that ��

    I just wish he would open up! When he was leaving he said I was his soul mate and best friend and that we had amazing times together - his only negative is the sexual side and wanting a baby now. I agree this is a problem but I am waiting for an operation which will hopefully change those things. �� It is all a mess!

    I agree with you I am annoyed at being wedged in between - I will have an hour max to talk ��
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 17th May 17, 11:40 PM
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    gettingtheresometime
    If it was me then I think I'd be getting stroppy with him big time.

    Despite the fact that you've got medically issues which prevent you considering starting a family now, would you really consider starting a family with someone who would be so rarely at home? Where's the family life in that?

    In fact what family life do you really have now?

    Did you have a conversation about the future if he got the overseas job before he was offered it?
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - the Argos Card!
    • Newstart2017
    • By Newstart2017 18th May 17, 6:04 AM
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    Newstart2017
    You are right and before the health issue I was still putting off children as I told him he would need to be here more. It is something he says he would do but I am not sure and as you say we don't see each other much now!

    I was for the job at first because I felt it would be good for both of us to get to spend more time together and him quit the extra stuff. However, a close family member has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and this started me doubting I could go. He didn't like this as I think he really sees it as some sort of escape plan. I have tried saying he can quit things without moving away but he doesn't view it like that.

    I am annoyed - it is just so hard because I am so upset too! It also makes me annoyed/sad that he isn't coming home - so effectively I will end up doing everything if it goes wrong!

    Thank you for the support xx
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 18th May 17, 8:18 AM
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    gettingtheresometime
    I can't put into words what I think of your oh....i'd get banned.

    But the polite version is that it sounds as if he'd wanted a single man's life with a wifey back at home and possibly a child as well to complete the image.

    Make an appointment with a solicitor before today's meeting .....you can always cancel it if things turn out for the best.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - the Argos Card!
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th May 17, 9:39 AM
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    paddy's mum
    I so hesitate to write this given how distraught you already are but that word "re-start" is ringing very loud alarm bells in my head.

    I cannot see any logic whatsoever in being stressed out by the whole of my life and then double the burden by walking out on my spouse.

    In your shoes, I'd be checking very hard indeed whether there's someone else in your marriage.

    Good luck and I'm sorry for your trouble.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 18th May 17, 10:03 AM
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    Mojisola
    He didn't like this as I think he really sees it as some sort of escape plan.
    Originally posted by Newstart2017
    It can be good to have a fresh start but it rarely works if you do it to avoid dealing with problems - you just take the problems with you.

    I wouldn't give up my life to go abroad with someone who refuses to discuss relationship problems or to make obvious simple changes that would make their current life less stressful.

    Imagine being stuck someone with no friends or family and a partner who won't talk!
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th May 17, 10:17 AM
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    paddy's mum

    Imagine being stuck someone with no friends or family and a partner who won't talk!
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Sadly, the OP gives every indication that she is already in exactly this position!

    It's all very sad and I am reminded of a sentence in an Elizabeth Goudge book I read long ago and which I always felt was very true.

    He knew that a flow of words, like a flow of blood, can wash away poison.
    • gabriel1980
    • By gabriel1980 18th May 17, 11:01 AM
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    gabriel1980
    are you sure there is no one else involved?
    • Candyapple
    • By Candyapple 18th May 17, 12:00 PM
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    Candyapple
    Are you certain that he has been offered a job abroad? Could it possibly be another woman (hence the need to break up with you so you can't come along)?

    Which country is the job supposedly in?



    I just wish he would open up! When he was leaving he said I was his soul mate and best friend and that we had amazing times together - his only negative is the sexual side and wanting a baby now. I agree this is a problem but I am waiting for an operation which will hopefully change those things. �� It is all a mess!
    Originally posted by Newstart2017

    I think you need to take the blinkers off. Your husband sounds very immature and selfish. Who says that someone is their soulmate/best friend and then walks out and cuts all communication?!
    I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com
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