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    • MSE Nick
    • By MSE Nick 11th May 17, 3:34 PM
    • 255Posts
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    MSE Nick
    Money Moral Dilemma: How do I ask my flatmate's girlfriend to chip in more?
    • #1
    • 11th May 17, 3:34 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: How do I ask my flatmate's girlfriend to chip in more? 11th May 17 at 3:34 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    My flatmate has his girlfriend round a lot, which I don't have a problem with generally. We often cook and eat together, take turns to buy drinks for the flat etc, but she rarely contributes - only my flatmate does. I don't want to make it awkward but I think she should chip in more often as she eats and drinks about as much as any of us.

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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    Last edited by MSE Nick; 16-05-2017 at 2:02 PM.
Page 1
    • Logoks2000
    • By Logoks2000 17th May 17, 8:09 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    Logoks2000
    • #2
    • 17th May 17, 8:09 AM
    • #2
    • 17th May 17, 8:09 AM
    Hi, I think asking your mate's girlfriend to chip in will not go down well. Your friend should contribute more to cover her share as it's his guest.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 17th May 17, 8:13 AM
    • 1,638 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    • #3
    • 17th May 17, 8:13 AM
    • #3
    • 17th May 17, 8:13 AM
    Perils of house sharing. Start keeping your stuff separately and socialising less with them, or accept the extra contributions from your flatmate as being for his and her share.
    • John Gray
    • By John Gray 17th May 17, 8:36 AM
    • 5,010 Posts
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    John Gray
    • #4
    • 17th May 17, 8:36 AM
    • #4
    • 17th May 17, 8:36 AM
    Does your contract with your flat-mate not cover this eventuality?
    There might perhaps be a 'no freeloading' clause...
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 17th May 17, 8:39 AM
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    PasturesNew
    • #5
    • 17th May 17, 8:39 AM
    • #5
    • 17th May 17, 8:39 AM
    You have to be blunt and say "I can't afford to subsidise your gf"
    You might follow that up with "unless I also get the 'benefits' you get of all that free bonking"

    This is like the "split the bill" scenarios ... your flatmate is the dining equivalent of being the geezer that had a king prawn starter, bottle of wine, king prawn curry, desserts .... and now wants to split the bill.
    Last edited by PasturesNew; 17-05-2017 at 8:41 AM.
    • warehouse
    • By warehouse 17th May 17, 8:40 AM
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    warehouse
    • #6
    • 17th May 17, 8:40 AM
    • #6
    • 17th May 17, 8:40 AM
    You have to be blunt and say "I can't afford to subsidise your gf"
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    This, exactly this.
    Pants
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 17th May 17, 8:52 AM
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    PasturesNew
    • #7
    • 17th May 17, 8:52 AM
    • #7
    • 17th May 17, 8:52 AM
    Cooking/eating together never works if there's a "third wheel". Nor any form of "kitty" for household expenses if there's somebody who is omnipresent using, but not contributing.

    The deal you walked into on day one was changed when your flatmate brought in a gf.... he's probably not seeing it (because it doesn't affect him) - and she probably assumes it's OK with you and assumes you already had the conversation.

    When it comes to buying drinks... not sure what sort of drinks... but if, say, it was a four-pack of beer ... then maybe buy a four-pack, put two in your room, two in the fridge and say nothing At least if he then opens the fridge and has them both you've still got yours hidden away... and can open the fridge and go "Oh, I bought beers.... where are they?"
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 17th May 17, 9:20 AM
    • 5,876 Posts
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    TBagpuss
    • #8
    • 17th May 17, 9:20 AM
    • #8
    • 17th May 17, 9:20 AM
    This is a conversation you need to have with your flatmate, not with his girlfriend. She isn't party to the agreement he and you have about sharing costs.

    It may be that the time has come to change the arrangments about sharing costs, so you each buy your own, or you could ask hat you switch to a 2/3 1/3 split of joint costs to reflect the amount of time she is there.

    Be prepared for your flt mate to ask you to chip in extra whenever you have a guest.
    • Bellisima
    • By Bellisima 17th May 17, 9:25 AM
    • 59 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    Bellisima
    • #9
    • 17th May 17, 9:25 AM
    • #9
    • 17th May 17, 9:25 AM
    She needs to pay her way. Unfair on you otherwise.
    • mickeymouse303
    • By mickeymouse303 17th May 17, 9:25 AM
    • 154 Posts
    • 712 Thanks
    mickeymouse303
    Speak to your flatmate about the issue first.
    • benjus
    • By benjus 17th May 17, 10:27 AM
    • 4,972 Posts
    • 3,037 Thanks
    benjus
    Agree with others - the flatmate should contribute more to cover his girlfriend's share. If he wants to ask her to pay for it, that's his business - don't talk to her directly.
    Let's settle this like gentlemen: armed with heavy sticks
    On a rotating plate, with spikes like Flash Gordon
    And you're Peter Duncan; I gave you fair warning
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th May 17, 10:46 AM
    • 9,532 Posts
    • 12,019 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I'd just start buying my own stuff. Don't share. Let them drink and eat what they buy.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • meknowalot-51
    • By meknowalot-51 17th May 17, 10:58 AM
    • 158 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    meknowalot-51
    Speak up?
    Have a word with your flatmate about his guest or you could stop buying food and drink.I'm sure that after a week or two the penny will drop and i know this from personal experiance.Very similar thing happened to me in the eighties,sharing a flat and others guests would turn up have food /drink then leave.What i did was stop buying anything and start eating out or have take aways,they soon noticed the difference and their guests soon dissapeared.As for going out with them the answers easy.........don,t,your missed contributions will soon register.A big plus for all of this is you could meet new people,maybe better people.
    • Rejast
    • By Rejast 17th May 17, 11:04 AM
    • 44 Posts
    • 78 Thanks
    Rejast
    As others have said you should approach your flatmate about increasing his contribution or start seperating that aspect of your finances. If he chooses seperate the shopping and/or not ask her to cover the extra contribution he may come to realise just how much an extra person for dinner every night costs.
    • pjran
    • By pjran 17th May 17, 11:16 AM
    • 934 Posts
    • 4,828 Thanks
    pjran
    Make a suggestion to her whilst you're all eating together that maybe she could cook you all a meal or even better treat you all to a delivered takeaway at her expense.
    • thisisalwaysmyonlinename
    • By thisisalwaysmyonlinename 17th May 17, 11:55 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    thisisalwaysmyonlinename
    Life is about enjoying situations and the people around you. No one ever looked back on their life and thought I wish I'd asked for a few quid off my mate because his girlfriend kept coming round, you remember the good times. Don't be so fixated on money, you aren't going to go hungry or default on the rent because of a few good times with friends. Just chill and know that all the good karma you're building up will definitely come back around and help you out in the long run.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 17th May 17, 12:06 PM
    • 59,970 Posts
    • 350,574 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    Life is about enjoying situations and the people around you. No one ever looked back on their life and thought I wish I'd asked for a few quid off my mate because his girlfriend kept coming round, you remember the good times. Don't be so fixated on money, you aren't going to go hungry or default on the rent because of a few good times with friends. Just chill and know that all the good karma you're building up will definitely come back around and help you out in the long run.
    Originally posted by thisisalwaysmyonlinename
    That only works if you can afford to do that - and if you enjoy the company of the other person so much that the money's immaterial.

    Some people WOULD go hungry "because of a few good times" - and the gf might not really count as "friends"... she's just the gf of the flatmate, we don't know how often he has those, or whether the relationship would continue if they moved out of the flat. It might be a simple "Flat sharing/don't really know you but this works for us both" situation, not besties.

    I couldn't afford to sub somebody else's life choices.... and the flatmate is assuming that the OP will sub his choices, without asking.
    • ThePants999
    • By ThePants999 17th May 17, 12:08 PM
    • 792 Posts
    • 894 Thanks
    ThePants999
    This is a conversation you need to have with your flatmate, not with his girlfriend. She isn't party to the agreement he and you have about sharing costs.

    It may be that the time has come to change the arrangments about sharing costs, so you each buy your own, or you could ask hat you switch to a 2/3 1/3 split of joint costs to reflect the amount of time she is there.

    Be prepared for your flt mate to ask you to chip in extra whenever you have a guest.
    Originally posted by TBagpuss
    This, precisely. There is no conversation to be had between you and his girlfriend - she is an extension of, a proxy for, him. From your perspective, everything she consumes is logically something he consumes - in effect, the issue is him "costing" twice as much as you. If the way he wants to handle the problem is to get his girlfriend to contribute, that's his call.

    Life is about enjoying situations and the people around you. No one ever looked back on their life and thought I wish I'd asked for a few quid off my mate because his girlfriend kept coming round, you remember the good times. Don't be so fixated on money, you aren't going to go hungry or default on the rent because of a few good times with friends. Just chill and know that all the good karma you're building up will definitely come back around and help you out in the long run.
    Originally posted by thisisalwaysmyonlinename
    Whether you're right or wrong, you're on the wrong forum for that philosophy ;-)
    • goldenboyuk
    • By goldenboyuk 17th May 17, 1:12 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    goldenboyuk
    you need to either suck up the extra costings or have a conversation about the extra expenses you are incurring

    in a land of equality i am sure he would see it as ok
    • gaving7095
    • By gaving7095 17th May 17, 3:06 PM
    • 134 Posts
    • 108 Thanks
    gaving7095
    Yes - it's weird that she's eating your food without contributing. As others have said, maybe time to start separating your stuff and just cooking for yourself :-(

    The electricity, water (if metered), broadband / wifi, etc, I don't think you should / could ask for contributions towards, but food & drinks are a no-brainer in my opinion.
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