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  • FIRST POST
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 9th May 17, 12:47 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...
    • #1
    • 9th May 17, 12:47 PM
    When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up... 9th May 17 at 12:47 PM
    I'm back again, worse than ever to be honest. Things all hit a head in March and along with help being needed in other areas than financial I realised that the money side of things are a big issue in fixing things elsewhere.

    Although not posting I have been reading the diaries I have followed, so many who helped along when I first started are happily debt free now. I want to join them one day, both in being debt free and in happiness.

    Our finances on paper while tight look okay. However we both smoke and my OH is not very responsible. At all. I fell into a gambling issue which I've sought help for and not a penny has gone on gambling since March.

    Our household is me (Not working, our youngest has complicated health issues), My OH he works full time with over time, and 3 delightful children

    I will make a seperate post for my debts/goals and then one with our SOA when I've completed it.

    Hope I can stay around to sort myself, the debt and the happiness thing out.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
Page 120
    • DrSpendLittle
    • By DrSpendLittle 9th Oct 17, 8:29 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 317 Thanks
    DrSpendLittle
    Hugs Hidden, hope life settles down for you soon. Can't advise on nightmares but don't forget you've your half term holiday to look forward to and a lovely xmas planned, so keep those positive things in your thoughts xx
    Since 1st Sept 2017: CC1: £874/£1,253.73 | CC2: £600/£9,124.15 | CC3: £312.34/£312.34 | Car Finance: £315.82/£1,894.92 Short Term CC Goal: £1,786.34/£4,000 by 1st Jan 2018 (44.65%) | Total Debt Repayments: £2,102.16/£12,585.14 (16.70%)
    • UncannyScot
    • By UncannyScot 9th Oct 17, 8:41 PM
    • 705 Posts
    • 3,254 Thanks
    UncannyScot
    Hey missus

    It's definitely stress, worry related.
    As others have suggested, you need to find a way to release all that tension...
    Meditation, Yoga, or seeking enlightenment and oneness with the universe whilst driving your fist through a 3" thick plank of wood... may work... ahem...
    As you know, I work it out in the gym and find that training hard and sparring with my mates drives it away...
    Find whatever works for you.
    Hope you find your way to find your inner peace and quieten the noise that a busy mind creates
    (((((HUGS)))))
    BUGGRITMILLENIUMHANDANDSHRIMP I TOLD EM! - Foul Ole Ron
    It is important that we know where we come from, because if you do not know where you come from, then you do not know where you are, and if you don't know where you are, then you don't know where you are going. If you don't know where you're going, you're probably going wrong.
    R.I.P. T.P.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 9th Oct 17, 10:09 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    I still feel I don't want to go to bed I have no idea why it's started up again unless it was the emergency dash to A&E. GP was pretty useless and just offered to chuck another tablet to add into the mix. No thanks. It really makes me feel like a child though

    Anyway not a NSD because my son is a pain in the rear He decided skidding up and down the concrete playground on his knees is an awesome game to do at lunch time. Holey trousers and scuffed shoes!! The shoes I've said he has to wear until payday (half term ) Will polish them so he doesn't look to bad. However the trousers!! Where more like shorts! I wasn't impressed. I was half tempted to say he has to use some of his holiday spends for the shoes But I feel a bit too mean

    £5 school trousers
    £4.78 groceries (Salad/veg/bread) Seems we hit the right time for the reductions and I couldn't leave them

    Thank you all for stopping in and your kind words. I think it is the anxiety side of things contributing to the dreams and youngests illness. When I'm awake I can control it the majority of the time, by cleaning/doing something else etc but obviously when I'm asleep I can't.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • bagpuss38
    • By bagpuss38 9th Oct 17, 11:44 PM
    • 607 Posts
    • 3,574 Thanks
    bagpuss38
    Hey hidden, hope little one is much better now.
    I wanted to thank you for reminding me about surveys, been doing them everyday and I've just ordered dd a Halloween costume from Amazon with the proceeds. Feeling very chuffed. Thanks again x
    SIMPLY BE-££577.11
    Very BNPL - £353.00
    • missymoo81
    • By missymoo81 10th Oct 17, 6:12 AM
    • 5,823 Posts
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    missymoo81
    I hope you slept ok lovely x
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 10th Oct 17, 9:13 AM
    • 845 Posts
    • 7,635 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    Hope you're feeling better, Hidden. I think it's probably stress related too. A combination of the wee one being ill and the situation with your mother. I can't understand how she came up with this increased amount that you owe her.
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 10th Oct 17, 9:26 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Mum is a weird one! I understand some of what she's added on (Day trips and things but some is just ridiculous.) Then she keeps moaning she doesn't want £20 a week.. Then last night rang me to ask if I wanted her to pick the winter coats up for the kids and I can give her the money 'when I can'! No thank you! I will buy the winter coats myself next week!

    Speaking of which how expensive have coats gone in the supermarket? DS tried on about 10 last night and his size is £20-£22! The girls weren't much cheaper £20 and £18. Now I think maybe I'm cheap but £60 Just for coats from the supermarket. They aren't anything special either nor the most expensive! Just the ones that aren't really thin waterproofs.

    I think I might give in and do a bit of shopping today, I feel really bored of the same stuff We are really short on milk and have no juice. Or maybe I'll just get over it and stick with the plan. I could make sausage casserole for the smalls today that's one of their favourites and I have reduced veg could do with some carrots though

    Maybe I'll leave the food shop until weekend, I need nappies too then.

    I'm struggling to find someone have youngest today and school won't take her why she's still in the red zone of her Action plan (6 inhaler puffs 4 hourly) she's too 'high risk' which is understandable still a pain on the plans though.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • HairyHandofDartmoor
    • By HairyHandofDartmoor 10th Oct 17, 9:28 AM
    • 1,389 Posts
    • 3,394 Thanks
    HairyHandofDartmoor
    I agree that it's probably stress.

    I was feeling miserable yesterday morning and I made a list of reasons to be cheerful. It was much longer than I expected and cheered me up.

    I think that could help with your anxiety and stress if you gave it a try. It's so easy to focus on the bad stuff.
    My Diary http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716867
    Debt at highest = £58,766
    Current debt = £16,234, Emergency Fund = £200
    Long Hauler No. 156 Spendaholics Anonymous No. 47
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 10th Oct 17, 9:35 AM
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    Hiddenidenity
    I think it definitely relates to youngest illness and things that have happened/I've seen happen in the past with/too her.

    I see the counsellor later this week and I think I'm going to speak to her about this, we haven't before but I think this is the cause of a lot of anxiety and things. Not all but it's definitely a huge trigger for the out of controlness.

    Walking back into A&E brings back those memories from the very first time, the first time and she was so close to being 'gone' and now I feel like well what if it's this time etc. Plus all the procedures and things she has to deal with, meds and side effects. I feel she is only 3, she shouldn't know or have seen and had done 99% of the things she has. Had there not been mistakes made at the start maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we are now?

    I know you can't think what if's or why etc and I should be grateful and I really am she is here and it could be much worse but it also could be a lot better.

    We can't change what's happened I need to learn to deal with that so in future a 'small' back step and an a&e visit doesn't make me feel like this.

    Sorry that turned out really long
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 10th Oct 17, 9:43 AM
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    Toni'sfriend
    I think that's very wise. Why doesn't she want £20.00 a week? Does she want more or does she want it all at once? Apologies for saying so but she seems to want to control your life and isn't giving you any credit at all for what you're managing to do.
    Hope you find someone to help you out today.
    • DrSpendLittle
    • By DrSpendLittle 10th Oct 17, 9:56 AM
    • 125 Posts
    • 317 Thanks
    DrSpendLittle
    Hi Hidden, didn’t want to read and run. Your mum’s behaviour sounds just like my MIL. It’s a difficult situation for you, one I imagine in which you’ll never win and she will never change. I think you’ve done exactly the right thing not letting her buy the smalls coats. You could still save the £20per week as planned and then give her a lump sum when you think it appropriate. Potentially £200 on Xmas day...
    Since 1st Sept 2017: CC1: £874/£1,253.73 | CC2: £600/£9,124.15 | CC3: £312.34/£312.34 | Car Finance: £315.82/£1,894.92 Short Term CC Goal: £1,786.34/£4,000 by 1st Jan 2018 (44.65%) | Total Debt Repayments: £2,102.16/£12,585.14 (16.70%)
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 10th Oct 17, 11:10 AM
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    EssexHebridean
    It's a tricky situation with your Mum isn't it - but I definitely agree with those that feel that she seems to be trying to take control over your life. Maybe say to her that you can't afford all the "extras" at the moment. If you phrase it that you "really appreciate all she does and love that she wants to do things for/with the children, but until you let her know otherwise that needs to be at a cost level that SHE can - and is willing to - afford, as your priority quite understandably has to be on keeping them housed, clothed and fed" - there's not too much she can take offence at there - but she does need to understand that she can't continually add bits and pieces onto what you "owe" her - it's just not fair on you.

    Is there any way you can make her debt a priority to get cleared? I know in ANY other circumstance it would be a no-no - and of course the priority debts need to be kept up with, but I just wonder if getting that particular slate cleared might make it easier to move forwards? If there is no debt there in the first place then it's not so easy for her to add stuff to it, is it! Absolutely the right thing about not letting her buy the coats too - a gentle but firm "no thanks" can go a long way there. You've got to make it clear that the figure you currently owe her is it though - and that you won;t be acknowledging anything else added on without discussion and agreement as owing by you - otherwise as fast as you pay off one thing - and you're doing so, SO well with that - the higher the debt to your Mum will climb!

    The sleep thing - yep that definitely sounds like it's worth chatting with the counsellor about, you need to get to the bottom of it for sure as you can't keep on like this.
    Last edited by EssexHebridean; 10-10-2017 at 11:12 AM.
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£544.67 (17/10/17)
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 10th Oct 17, 12:02 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    Thank you EH. I have spoke to mum, she agreed the £800 I said that was definitely the final figure and I wasn't accepting any more changes. It's down to £575 now. I have been sending her the survey earnings, bits left over from budgets along with some of the switching bonus etc. I really want to clear her debt as soon as possible.

    I have tried to look into who else I can speak to regarding the incident with youngest but I'm not sure who there is to speak too. I don't want to make any complaints, I just want to discuss the mistakes etc and reassurance if that makes sense. Waiting for the health visitor to call me back in the hope she has an idea.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 10th Oct 17, 12:20 PM
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    EssexHebridean
    Ahh that's good news about having agreed that level with your Mum at least - I know it's still a lot but at least you can now feel confident that she's not going to be adding more to it - or at least if she does that's her tough luck, isn't it! It did oc cur to me that all these things like days out etc that she's "charging" you for - she takes the kids, and has the day, you pay, but the kids think it's all her doing, which is pretty harsh - then you get left feeling as though there's not enough opportunities for fun! Not right, and really needs to stop.

    Oh - on with DS's trousers? I'd personally be telling him that if it happens again he'll be wearing the torn ones until he grows out of them - patches in a truly unsuitable non-matching fabric or not is his choice... It's like the old thing we had of having to do PE in your pants or stuff from the lost property box (that was worse!) if you forgot your kit - most kids only ever forgot it the once!

    I think you're looking to tackle things the right way with youngest too -you need to find the best way of getting the situation sorted and sometimes complaining isn't the best way to reach that resolution, is it!

    Stick with it lovely - you're doing great!
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£544.67 (17/10/17)
    • abba1772
    • By abba1772 10th Oct 17, 12:34 PM
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    abba1772
    I agree with Essex she can't charge you for looking after the kids, she must know that you do low cost days out so why has her total hit £800, was it not under £150 at one point......where has she taken them???

    My mil takes kids some weekends and we do offer her money but she insists that she wants to take them out so we give the kids spending money I don't think I know how I would respond if she started charging me......did her parents to that to her???? It does seem odd and it's money that could have went towards your actual debt

    Time to get firm with your mum xx

    I say this with the best intentions btw xx
    NEXT TARGET HALIFAX CC WAS July 17 £3572.57 NOW £5388.67
    POAMAYC 2011 £6382.66 POAMAYC 2012 £5000.78
    POAMAYC 2013 £3480.04 POAMAYC 2014 £4085.14
    POAMAYC 2015 £7565.24 POAMAYC 2016 £8000.90
    POAMAYC 2017 £4884.64 / £6000
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 10th Oct 17, 12:43 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    She has things like new PJS? That have never come home. Pack lunch food /snacks/juice etc. Day to the zoo (£84 entry, dinner out) Bit of random toys (again haven't come home) Mainly from when she had them why Youngest in hospital. She doesn't have them often only really when youngest is an inpatient and obviously they can't stay in with me and her.

    It does look like she does these things, like she always has to give a 'better' xmas present than I do to them, she must get them double what I do. I don't mind in the sense I love they can have what I couldn't afford, however it does make me feel rubbish that kids being kids obviously do see the amount she gets them in comparison to me. Same at birthdays or if we are on holiday etc.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 10th Oct 17, 12:50 PM
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    EssexHebridean
    Agree with Abba's comment - time for your foot to go down. Things like the PJ's for when they're at hers, I can't imagine another grandma anywhere that would expect a parent to pay for those. And the trip the zoo etc - that's disgraceful that she ran up that sort of spend and then expected you to pay for it - I'm not being funny lovely, but a family earning 7 or 8 times what you do - probably even more - would have issues with being hit with that sort of spend with no notice.

    It's lovely that she's prepared to help - but I'm honestly finding myself questioning whether she does it for the right reasons - it feels more that it's to do with getting one over on you/showing you up, than wanting to spend time with her GC's! I guess now you've put your foot down about the spending, you'll find out, though!
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£544.67 (17/10/17)
    • abba1772
    • By abba1772 10th Oct 17, 2:18 PM
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    abba1772
    Does she charge your sister???? Xx
    NEXT TARGET HALIFAX CC WAS July 17 £3572.57 NOW £5388.67
    POAMAYC 2011 £6382.66 POAMAYC 2012 £5000.78
    POAMAYC 2013 £3480.04 POAMAYC 2014 £4085.14
    POAMAYC 2015 £7565.24 POAMAYC 2016 £8000.90
    POAMAYC 2017 £4884.64 / £6000
    • Hiddenidenity
    • By Hiddenidenity 10th Oct 17, 2:28 PM
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    Hiddenidenity
    My sister doesn't have kids but no she's 6 years younger than me and done everything the 'right way' She stayed at home, went to college and just bought her own house with her partner.

    I think I'm just the odd one out

    Me and mum have our issues and if it wasn't for the smalls I think the relationship would be near non existent to be honest.

    In other news I have an appointment Monday morning to discuss the things over youngest. PALS have arranged it and it will be discussed and I hope it makes me feel better and reassured.
    DFW £1388.71/£7348.71 Rent Arrears £511.28/£3381.28

    Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
    • bagpuss38
    • By bagpuss38 10th Oct 17, 3:19 PM
    • 607 Posts
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    bagpuss38
    Have you thought of looking on eBay for school coats hidden, I've always been lucky every year and got my girls some beautiful virtually new. Kids grow so quick that they don't wear them for long and so are usually in good condition.
    SIMPLY BE-££577.11
    Very BNPL - £353.00
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