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    • Miss165
    • By Miss165 19th Apr 17, 5:57 AM
    • 44Posts
    • 20Thanks
    Miss165
    Missing my old life?
    • #1
    • 19th Apr 17, 5:57 AM
    Missing my old life? 19th Apr 17 at 5:57 AM
    Just need to have a little vent or something... maybe get an idea of how crazy I'm being? (Currently sat here with tears in my eyes)

    I left my partner of 10 years last year. We were in a rut, just getting along more as friends than anything. Overall things were fine but we argued a lot and I just wasn't as happy as I thought I should be.

    I have met someone else who I love and care for a lot. And he treats me a million times better and makes me so happy. But financially he has nothing.. now please don't think I'm a gold digger or something because I'm honestly not. I have my own money!

    Recently my ex went on this amazing holiday (alone) and I guess I'm just feeling pretty sad because whilst I can afford to go away on holiday, my partner can't and I'm not about to go on my own.

    I just needed a place to put this in writing. I wish I could talk to my partner, we talk about everything, but he already feels depressed with his financial situation and me saying all this isn't going to help that!
Page 1
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 19th Apr 17, 7:34 AM
    • 1,138 Posts
    • 4,132 Thanks
    lika_86
    • #2
    • 19th Apr 17, 7:34 AM
    • #2
    • 19th Apr 17, 7:34 AM
    Is this just about a holiday? Or is it about a deeper loss of your old prospects?

    If it's just about the holiday then you either go somewhere alone (an organised tour perhaps), go with friends or family (it's still early to be going away with a new partner) or pay for you both to go.

    In the longer term you will need to cut your cloth accordingly and accept that in order to do things that you want that you will have to pay for them yourself. As for his financial situation, he will either need to improve it (if he can) or you both budget to your new situation and find joy in cheaper things in life. So rather than fancy hotels and meals out, look at Airbnbs and home-cooked dinners in, unfortunately this is an adjustment of expectations and it may take a while.

    Focus on the things that you have in your new partner that you didn't have before.
    • dancing_star
    • By dancing_star 19th Apr 17, 7:52 AM
    • 103 Posts
    • 167 Thanks
    dancing_star
    • #3
    • 19th Apr 17, 7:52 AM
    • #3
    • 19th Apr 17, 7:52 AM
    I go on holiday on my own, it is great. I'm single and female, but I know plenty of people who aren't, who go alone too, for various reasons.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 19th Apr 17, 9:52 AM
    • 6,849 Posts
    • 8,434 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    • #4
    • 19th Apr 17, 9:52 AM
    • #4
    • 19th Apr 17, 9:52 AM
    Sounds like you're unhappy with you.

    Expect that rut feeling to hit the new relationship next year.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 19th Apr 17, 12:15 PM
    • 5,450 Posts
    • 24,781 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #5
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:15 PM
    • #5
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:15 PM
    The grass is always greener .....
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 19th Apr 17, 12:18 PM
    • 1,615 Posts
    • 4,358 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    • #6
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:18 PM
    • #6
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:18 PM
    Why don't you just pay for a holiday for the two of you?
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 19th Apr 17, 12:47 PM
    • 2,200 Posts
    • 3,071 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    • #7
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:47 PM
    • #7
    • 19th Apr 17, 12:47 PM
    You're not a gold-digger. I think it's perfectly reasonable to look to the long-term, and ask yourself if you and this man are heading in the same direction. He may have no money at the moment, but what are his prospects for the future? Does he work in an industry where he will be rewarded in due course? Or is he lacking in ambition and never likely to earn much? Are you comfortable with the idea of being the main breadwinner, or would you prefer a more equal contribution from a prospective partner? This guy may be an improvement on the last one but may still not be The One. And that's OK.

    Money can't buy you happiness - but it's bl**dy difficult trying to be happy without it.
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 19th Apr 17, 1:51 PM
    • 1,138 Posts
    • 4,132 Thanks
    lika_86
    • #8
    • 19th Apr 17, 1:51 PM
    • #8
    • 19th Apr 17, 1:51 PM
    You're not a gold-digger. I think it's perfectly reasonable to look to the long-term, and ask yourself if you and this man are heading in the same direction. He may have no money at the moment, but what are his prospects for the future? Does he work in an industry where he will be rewarded in due course? Or is he lacking in ambition and never likely to earn much? Are you comfortable with the idea of being the main breadwinner, or would you prefer a more equal contribution from a prospective partner? This guy may be an improvement on the last one but may still not be The One. And that's OK.

    Money can't buy you happiness - but it's bl**dy difficult trying to be happy without it.
    Originally posted by trailingspouse
    This reminds me a bit of the quote from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes:

    Lorelei Lee: Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?
    • svain
    • By svain 19th Apr 17, 2:14 PM
    • 153 Posts
    • 294 Thanks
    svain
    • #9
    • 19th Apr 17, 2:14 PM
    • #9
    • 19th Apr 17, 2:14 PM
    If missing amazing holidays with your argumentitive ex partner is enough for you to question your current situation (even though new partner treats you "million time better". ) then do current partner a favour and let him find someone who appreciates him more
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 19th Apr 17, 4:26 PM
    • 7,609 Posts
    • 25,615 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself here and ask yourself what role money plays in your life. I don't know how old you are but if having a comfortable financial Lifestyle into the longer term, and that includes being able to afford decent holidays is something you would feel hard done by without, then maybe your current partner isnt the one for you, even if he treats you a lot better than your previous partner did.

    Incompatibilities about money can be lethal for any relationship. Sooner or later one of the parties is going to feel resentment against the other unless the financial situation levels up. If your current partner lacks the ability to financially improve his position long term are you going to feel this holiday niggle every year ? Going on holiday alone or with a friend who can also afford a foreign trip will only increase your partner's sense of inadequacy.

    If you cant downsize to caravanning or whatever type of holidays you CAN afford together, sooner or later these incompatibilities in your respective financial,positions will start appearing in other areas too. Better to be honest about your personal expectations now, for his sake as well as yours.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 19th Apr 17, 5:08 PM
    • 1,170 Posts
    • 1,201 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    If this is a long term relationship then no reason why things can't change. Is it just the money or a lack of ambition on his part? When I met my husband he was paid minimum wage packing boxes. His financial state didn't bother me but I was really attracted to his dedication and ambition. 14 years on and he has a great job and we are now OK financially.
    It could be exciting to make plans together but if there is not hope of improvement could that be part of the issue?
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 19th Apr 17, 5:23 PM
    • 450 Posts
    • 1,124 Thanks
    davidwood123
    Isn't it amazing how you miss the relationship you had with the guy who treated you like dirt and are complaining about the guy who doesn't.

    • Rosieandjim
    • By Rosieandjim 19th Apr 17, 6:27 PM
    • 78 Posts
    • 99 Thanks
    Rosieandjim
    We were as poor as church mice but boy didn't we enjoy holidaying on a budget. The best time we had was snuggled up in a small tent overlooking a river in the highlands of Scotland watching kingfishers flying up and down, and stags coming down off the hillsides. A battered old car and the road in front of us.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 19th Apr 17, 7:35 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 434 Thanks
    leespot
    Just need to have a little vent or something... maybe get an idea of how crazy I'm being? (Currently sat here with tears in my eyes)

    I left my partner of 10 years last year. We were in a rut, just getting along more as friends than anything. Overall things were fine but we argued a lot and I just wasn't as happy as I thought I should be.

    I have met someone else who I love and care for a lot. And he treats me a million times better and makes me so happy. But financially he has nothing.. now please don't think I'm a gold digger or something because I'm honestly not. I have my own money!

    Recently my ex went on this amazing holiday (alone) and I guess I'm just feeling pretty sad because whilst I can afford to go away on holiday, my partner can't and I'm not about to go on my own.

    I just needed a place to put this in writing. I wish I could talk to my partner, we talk about everything, but he already feels depressed with his financial situation and me saying all this isn't going to help that!
    Originally posted by Miss165
    Sitting with tears in your eyes at 6am is not my definition of being happy.

    Why would you be interested in what your ex is doing? It's shouldn't impact on your life and new relationship really, but it seems to have done.

    Sit down with your new partner, talk through their money issues, understand them more than you seem to at the moment. If you can't see that you will be compatible in the future then do the right thing - everyone has an idea of how they would like their life to be, it doesn't make either of your ideas of that life wrong.
    • SandC
    • By SandC 20th Apr 17, 1:02 PM
    • 3,771 Posts
    • 5,575 Thanks
    SandC
    I think it's still early days since splitting with your ex in respect of memories are fresh in your mind of how you used to do things. So right now the money thing with your new fella is becoming an issue, not least because you're still in touch with the previous guy enough to know about his recent fab holiday on his own.

    Unfortunately you are comparing current circumstances with a year or so ago and that's not the new guy's fault, as you do realise. Let's face it, if you hadn't met this new guy then you wouldn't be going on holiday anyway would you? As you won't go on your own and don't appear to have anyone else to go with?

    Financial stuff is a biggie, there is no way around that. But it's early days and if it's just a wobble about your ex's holiday then don't let that ruin things between you. If it's really an issue then other scenarios will start to become a problem sooner rather than later. Get over hearing this about your ex, keep out of contact with him, enjoy your new relationship and see how it goes.

    That's my opinion on how to play it right now. If any sort of commitment starts to come into things then you need to sit down and talk it through.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 20th Apr 17, 1:44 PM
    • 17,622 Posts
    • 44,856 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I don't think you're missing your old life, you've just got 'holiday envy'.

    Just ask yourself if you would have wanted to go on this fantastic holiday with your ex and then come back to being in a rut, arguing more than you should or not going away at all but spending time with your partner..
    If the answer is 'yes to the holiday', it's time to call time on your current relationship.

    It's hard to comment much further without knowing more about your partner's financial problems.
    I'm sure he feels even worse than you do.
    What is he/both of you doing about improving his financial situation?
    Does he or do you have an issue with you funding a holiday for both of you?
    • Soundgirlrocks
    • By Soundgirlrocks 20th Apr 17, 4:42 PM
    • 437 Posts
    • 634 Thanks
    Soundgirlrocks
    Social media doesn't help situation like this, we see edited versions of peoples experiences (holiday's, relationships, work) and get envious. I suspect the amazing holiday that your Ex went on wasn't actually that great. Focus on building your own experience with your new partner, challenge yourself to do something outside of your comfort zone, it doesn't have to be expensive, and yes controversially document it, post on Facebook, then in a year look back through all you have done together. I bet you'll be surprised at happy you look, how amazing your life really is.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 20th Apr 17, 5:10 PM
    • 29,775 Posts
    • 17,803 Thanks
    getmore4less
    Just need to have a little vent or something... maybe get an idea of how crazy I'm being? (Currently sat here with tears in my eyes)

    I left my partner of 10 years last year. We were in a rut, just getting along more as friends than anything. Overall things were fine but we argued a lot and I just wasn't as happy as I thought I should be.

    I have met someone else who I love and care for a lot. And he treats me a million times better and makes me so happy. But financially he has nothing.. now please don't think I'm a gold digger or something because I'm honestly not. I have my own money!

    Recently my ex went on this amazing holiday (alone) and I guess I'm just feeling pretty sad because whilst I can afford to go away on holiday, my partner can't and I'm not about to go on my own.

    I just needed a place to put this in writing. I wish I could talk to my partner, we talk about everything, but he already feels depressed with his financial situation and me saying all this isn't going to help that!
    Originally posted by Miss165
    obviously something is not right you are not as happy as you think you are.

    on the point highlighted.

    when you want to do something but want other to come and they are not keen or others around you want to do something and have you come along but you are not keen the real measure of how much you or they want to do that thing is will they do it on their own.

    if you or they won't go on their own then it is not that important to go.

    it is more about being with the people.

    Find something you can do together or cough up the extra so they can go on the "expensive" holiday with you, but will that make you happy?

    I have been looking recently and there are tons of fairly decent AI deals out there for £500pp to somewhere warm and flight hotel option well under that.

    it applies to not just holidays but regular things like shopping, pubs, meals, days out etc.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 21st Apr 17, 2:42 AM
    • 22,930 Posts
    • 88,445 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    How much would you have paid for a holiday?

    Take that budget (which means less fancy places, maybe fewer meals out, maybe a long weekend or a week instead of a fortnight) and then go on holiday with the nice guy without expecting him to pay for half. Would your ex have refused to go on a holiday with you if you'd not have been able to pay for it? Would he have gone without you and left you at home alone? Would he have moaned about you stopping him from going on holiday if you hadn't been able to afford half?

    And, for heaven's sake, block all further information (FB, etc) about your ex. It's not healthy for anybody.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • bearcat16
    • By bearcat16 21st Apr 17, 8:24 AM
    • 308 Posts
    • 352 Thanks
    bearcat16
    A mismatch of money can create a weird power imbalance.

    Of course everyone's different, but money (or the lack of it) will determine what your lifestyle is. If your with someone who can't afford to do anything while you can, that is frustrating.

    I suppose you need to decide if your prepared to re-calibrate your expectations of life, and just get used to the idea of having less money.

    Or if not, jump ship.

    I'm interested to know if your new partner has any prospects? Poor now but is he working towards a better job, promotion, starting his own business?
    Last edited by bearcat16; 21-04-2017 at 8:27 AM.
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