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  • FIRST POST
    • Helentiful
    • By Helentiful 18th Apr 17, 9:12 AM
    • 12Posts
    • 16Thanks
    Helentiful
    Don't we just love the drama!
    • #1
    • 18th Apr 17, 9:12 AM
    Don't we just love the drama! 18th Apr 17 at 9:12 AM
    My partner's ex-wife walked uninvited by us into our house. His son wanted to live with us because his mum was moving to Wales and he didn't want to move.! We said only on the condition that he found work. He's 17 and up to this point his mother had let him leave college and sit around doing nothing for months.!! He came to live with us but only emerged from his room to be fed. He never pulled his weight around the house and when we asked him, he refused to even look for work.! He then decided that he'd go to Wales to stay with his mother, however he left most of his belongings here.! I suspected that he wanted to flit between both places so he'd never have to look for work.! He phoned my partner a few days ago and said he was coming back. My partner said no because he still isn't looking for work.

    So yesterday he just let himself in. My partner! asked him what he was doing and said "You told me that you're staying at your gran's." He said he didn't want to and my partner said he couldn't stay with us. I followed him to the room he'd been staying in and really calmly but firmly told him that he'd need to get a job, but he told me to f*** off.! I told him not to talk to me like that and he said he could f'ing talk to me any way he f'ing wanted and pushed me out the way.! I told him to leave my house and he said no.! Then he took his phone out and proceeded to phone someone. I thought it was his gran, who lives nearby.

    I went into the garden with my partner! and a few minutes later I heard a female voice. He had let his mother into our house.! This is a property that we had bought together and she was specifically told she was not welcome here.! My partner asked her to leave, but she refused. I told her to leave and she still wouldn't so when she stepped over the door to put something in her car I slammed the door shut. The son opened it again and I told her to stay out my house, but she forced herself in and shoved me to the side.! She had her horrible brother and her man with her, who threatened to f'ing flatten me.!

    It all got heated and my partner took me to the garden so they could get the son's things.! I really did not want her there as she was trespassing.! I'm still fuming. Who the hell does she think she is?! I had every right to use reasonable force to get her out. There was no violence, and I did wait for her to make the first move before trying to get her off my property. How dare they! Once they'd left I went into the room and they'd thrown everything around it.

    I know she was there for her son, but she actually doesn't want him either and told my partner that he was a lazy good for nothing, but she was in my house uninvited and unwanted. Until this I'd never actually met the woman!

    I'm fine, just angry! Still debating about seeing a solicitor to write to the three of them (not the son) telling them to stay away. I don't think I over reacted - some of you may argue with this, .but she seems to get kicks from upsetting my partner. Any advice would be helpful.
Page 2
    • Flick216
    • By Flick216 18th Apr 17, 12:44 PM
    • 7,586 Posts
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    Flick216
    All very sad. Is it right that his dad puts conditions on the son being at his home? Dad should be opening the door to his son and working with him to further his education or training. Son is only 17.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    Agreed - but there is no obligation for the ex to be involved at all. Any contact with her can be done by phone / messaging - she doesn't need to be in the house.
    Originally posted by leespot
    It;s not sad at all! The son seems to think he can just bum around - 17 or not - that's not acceptable.
    ENFP - Assertive
    Officially in a clique of idiots

    Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 18th Apr 17, 12:46 PM
    • 1,405 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    It is pretty clear that the son's mother was there out of nastiness and not to be helpful - why take another two uninvited family members with her?

    Of course he should have run it past both his Dad and his Dad's partner out of respect - it is their home, not his. Even more so if he knew there was the possibility of any trouble.
    Originally posted by leespot
    How is it not his home?
    • leespot
    • By leespot 18th Apr 17, 12:54 PM
    • 542 Posts
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    leespot
    You know exactly what I mean.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 18th Apr 17, 1:17 PM
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    Pollycat
    All very sad. Is it right that his dad puts conditions on the son being at his home? Dad should be opening the door to his son and working with him to further his education or training. Son is only 17.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    It sounds like any amount of 'working with him' wouldn't work.

    He apparently wasn't interested in working when he lived with his Mother and carried that on when he moved into his Father's house.

    I think the sad thing is that the son seems to think he can lay about all day, get fed and be abusive when things don't go his way.

    My partner's ex-wife walked uninvited by us into our house. His son wanted to live with us because his mum was moving to Wales and he didn't want to move.! We said only on the condition that he found work. He's 17 and up to this point his mother had let him leave college and sit around doing nothing for months.!! He came to live with us but only emerged from his room to be fed. He never pulled his weight around the house and when we asked him, he refused to even look for work.! He then decided that he'd go to Wales to stay with his mother, however he left most of his belongings here.! I suspected that he wanted to flit between both places so he'd never have to look for work.! He phoned my partner a few days ago and said he was coming back. My partner said no because he still isn't looking for work.

    So yesterday he just let himself in. My partner! asked him what he was doing and said "You told me that you're staying at your gran's." He said he didn't want to and my partner said he couldn't stay with us. I followed him to the room he'd been staying in and really calmly but firmly told him that he'd need to get a job, but he told me to f*** off.! I told him not to talk to me like that and he said he could f'ing talk to me any way he f'ing wanted and pushed me out the way.! I told him to leave my house and he said no.! Then he took his phone out and proceeded to phone someone. I thought it was his gran, who lives nearby.

    I went into the garden with my partner! and a few minutes later I heard a female voice. He had let his mother into our house.! This is a property that we had bought together and she was specifically told she was not welcome here.! My partner asked her to leave, but she refused. I told her to leave and she still wouldn't so when she stepped over the door to put something in her car I slammed the door shut. The son opened it again and I told her to stay out my house, but she forced herself in and shoved me to the side.! She had her horrible brother and her man with her, who threatened to f'ing flatten me.!

    It all got heated and my partner took me to the garden so they could get the son's things.! I really did not want her there as she was trespassing.! I'm still fuming. Who the hell does she think she is?! I had every right to use reasonable force to get her out. There was no violence, and I did wait for her to make the first move before trying to get her off my property. How dare they! Once they'd left I went into the room and they'd thrown everything around it.

    I know she was there for her son, but she actually doesn't want him either and told my partner that he was a lazy good for nothing, but she was in my house uninvited and unwanted. Until this I'd never actually met the woman!

    I'm fine, just angry! Still debating about seeing a solicitor to write to the three of them (not the son) telling them to stay away. I don't think I over reacted - some of you may argue with this, .but she seems to get kicks from upsetting my partner. Any advice would be helpful.
    Originally posted by Helentiful
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 18th Apr 17, 1:35 PM
    • 1,405 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    You know exactly what I mean.
    Originally posted by leespot
    But that means that children never have a home until they grow up and move out!

    At 17, if the son is lazy and unmotivated, surely both parents shoulder a share of the blame for that?
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 18th Apr 17, 1:46 PM
    • 19,400 Posts
    • 31,385 Thanks
    Spendless
    He sounds like a teenager who has very much lost his way. Was he one of last year's school leavers?

    My son left school last year, and his year group some have started A levels and then dropped them or changed sixth forms when the reality hasn't been the same as the expectation. Some have been kicked out - I expect that figure to go up by September when their end of year exams haven't been sufficiently high enough. Some are loving the college course they did as a last resort when they couldn't find a suitable apprenticeship and so on.

    They've gone from knowing exactly what was expected of them up to GCSEs and then not really known what to do next.

    Was the college course your step son was doing, something he was interested in? Even if it was sometimes the course content, the tutor or the institute you're learning in might not appeal.

    You say his Mum was moving to Wales and he didn't want to go. Had this been a long term plan he was aware of and was it thought out how he could continue the college course if he also moved away, or is this one of the reasons behind the course being dropped?
    • leespot
    • By leespot 18th Apr 17, 2:46 PM
    • 542 Posts
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    leespot
    But that means that children never have a home until they grow up and move out!

    At 17, if the son is lazy and unmotivated, surely both parents shoulder a share of the blame for that?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    It doesn't mean that at all. Children should have respect for the home the parents provide them with - and that has to include respecting both his Dads and partners wishes. It would have taken nothing at all but manners to have asked his Dad and partner if they were OK with his mum helping take his things.

    The lazy and unmotivated aspect is not the same issue.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 18th Apr 17, 3:37 PM
    • 35,524 Posts
    • 149,820 Thanks
    silvercar
    It;s not sad at all! The son seems to think he can just bum around - 17 or not - that's not acceptable.
    Originally posted by Flick216
    Of course it isn't acceptable, but it also isn't acceptable in my mind for a parent to put conditions on their child living with them.
    • LemonSocks
    • By LemonSocks 18th Apr 17, 3:53 PM
    • 199 Posts
    • 1,298 Thanks
    LemonSocks
    He phoned my partner a few days ago and said he was coming back. My partner said no because he still isn't looking for work.

    Originally posted by Helentiful

    I know she was there for her son, but she actually doesn't want him either and told my partner that he was a lazy good for nothing
    Originally posted by Helentiful




    Putting the partner aside for a second, it is pretty sad that the son is clearly not wanted by either mother or father (for whatever reasons).


    Perhaps the constant negative perception the parent's are projecting onto him isn't particularly motivating him to look for work. I do get the impression that neither parent speaks to him with respect or tries to help and develop him.


    And he is still a child. Kick him out by all means when he hits 18, but for now both parent's should take some responsibility.
    Last edited by LemonSocks; 18-04-2017 at 3:57 PM.
    Best 2012 wins: £100 New Look giftcard, £500 pepsi, iPod Shuffle, Retro desk fan, VIP Wireless Festival tickets, £250 French Connection
    • Flick216
    • By Flick216 18th Apr 17, 3:55 PM
    • 7,586 Posts
    • 30,639 Thanks
    Flick216
    Of course it isn't acceptable, but it also isn't acceptable in my mind for a parent to put conditions on their child living with them.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    He is 17 not 7. Yes - of course a parent should provide a roof over their head and basic food - but there would be no internet, no washing, no cooking etc unless they pulled their weight. If the son was at college or uni then I would give full support. You can't teach kids that they can get a free ride - there are no free rides in the real world.
    ENFP - Assertive
    Officially in a clique of idiots

    Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast
    • pelirocco
    • By pelirocco 18th Apr 17, 4:21 PM
    • 7,517 Posts
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    pelirocco
    Agreed - but there is no obligation for the ex to be involved at all. Any contact with her can be done by phone / messaging - she doesn't need to be in the house.
    Originally posted by leespot
    Why would there be no obligation for the ex to be involved ? after its her son too
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
    • pelirocco
    • By pelirocco 18th Apr 17, 4:26 PM
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    pelirocco
    Of course the grown up thing would have been to greet the ex , and said hello how are you ? , lets have a cup of tea and discuss how we can best help the son

    But then that would have been an awful waste of exclaimation marks
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
    • leespot
    • By leespot 18th Apr 17, 4:45 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 433 Thanks
    leespot
    Why would there be no obligation for the ex to be involved ? after its her son too
    Originally posted by pelirocco
    She doesn't need to be involved in clearing out his room - especially not when it was made clear that she was not welcome at the house.

    She does need to be involved with him as a mother, but that can be done from a distance - she does not need to be in the house for that.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 18th Apr 17, 4:49 PM
    • 542 Posts
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    leespot
    Of course the grown up thing would have been to greet the ex , and said hello how are you ? , lets have a cup of tea and discuss how we can best help the son

    But then that would have been an awful waste of exclaimation marks
    Originally posted by pelirocco
    There are obviously reasons as to why she isn't allowed to the house. There might be very good reasons for it, or it could be something ridiculous.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 18th Apr 17, 5:36 PM
    • 5,407 Posts
    • 24,680 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Putting the partner aside for a second, it is pretty sad that the son is clearly not wanted by either mother or father (for whatever reasons).


    Perhaps the constant negative perception the parent's are projecting onto him isn't particularly motivating him to look for work. I do get the impression that neither parent speaks to him with respect or tries to help and develop him.


    And he is still a child. Kick him out by all means when he hits 18, but for now both parent's should take some responsibility.
    Originally posted by LemonSocks
    At 17, he is old enough to disrespect his stepmother and call her names and push her around - not the actions of a child.

    The parents have obviously not done a great job here - and now it is time that this young man learned responsibility and also learned that actions bring consequences. A hard lesson to learn, but it is a lesson he has to learn.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 18th Apr 17, 5:52 PM
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    cjdavies
    The first time she entered your partners Son let her in.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 18th Apr 17, 6:38 PM
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    Pollycat
    And he is still a child. Kick him out by all means when he hits 18, but for now both parent's should take some responsibility.
    Originally posted by LemonSocks
    When I was a 'child' aged 17, I was working full time, helping to cook for the family - my Mum & Dad who both worked and my 2 younger siblings - and was saving for a mortgage.
    What gives 'children' of the same age nowadays the belief that they are entitled to do !!!!!! all in their parents' home?
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 18th Apr 17, 6:49 PM
    • 22,602 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    At 17, he is old enough to disrespect his stepmother and call her names and push her around - not the actions of a child.

    The parents have obviously not done a great job here - and now it is time that this young man learned responsibility and also learned that actions bring consequences. A hard lesson to learn, but it is a lesson he has to learn.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    Certainly old enough to acquire himself a criminal record for assault.

    Change the locks and let him get on with the life of a NED. And if he or his maternal relatives ever turn up and so much as approach the front door uninvited, shut the door, lock it, put the catch on and call the police. At best, they'll skulk off, at worst, they'll be bouncing off the front door and swearing profusely as the patrol car comes round the corner.


    Offspring #1's father may well have been a complete wally in many, many ways, but when she moved into his at 17, he stood at the doorway and asked if it was OK for him to come in to help carry things (and his OH was discreetly sat waiting in their car 100yds down the road).
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

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    Originally posted by colinw
    • LemonSocks
    • By LemonSocks 18th Apr 17, 6:53 PM
    • 199 Posts
    • 1,298 Thanks
    LemonSocks
    When I was a 'child' aged 17, I was working full time, helping to cook for the family - my Mum & Dad who both worked and my 2 younger siblings - and was saving for a mortgage.
    What gives 'children' of the same age nowadays the belief that they are entitled to do !!!!!! all in their parents' home?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    On the flip side, when I was 17 I worked part time and attended college for A Levels. After a bitter divorce between parents, my mum left town and I stayed with my dad to help look after younger siblings. Despite that, I couldn't meet my dad's wanted rent (double my wages) so he kicked me out.

    Different experiences leave people having different beliefs on what should be defined as parental responsibilities. I have at no point disagreed that the son should be looking for work/ being more respectful. But I also understand how demoralising it can feel not being wanted or cared for by parents, and it wouldn't surprise me if some children end up acting up because of it.
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    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 18th Apr 17, 6:56 PM
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    avogadro
    But that means that children never have a home until they grow up and move out!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Correct. I got my own home when I left my parents house.
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