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    • Charityworker
    • By Charityworker 29th Mar 17, 5:05 PM
    • 946Posts
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    Charityworker
    Daughter going to uni - so.upset
    • #1
    • 29th Mar 17, 5:05 PM
    Daughter going to uni - so.upset 29th Mar 17 at 5:05 PM
    Hi. I know my problem is going to seem really trivial. My youngest daughter is off to uni in September and instead of being happy about it I'm so upset. I literally can't stop crying. I know I should be happy and excited for her and I do know it's going to be great for her but how am.I going to get through it? I've been crying for a week.now. waking up crying in the morning. How do you mums get through it? If I'm like this now how bad will I be when the day finally arrives?
Page 2
    • ibizafan
    • By ibizafan 31st Mar 17, 11:27 AM
    • 634 Posts
    • 758 Thanks
    ibizafan
    I must be the most awful mum, because I loved it when my youngest son left for uni. I had the house to myself at last, and it was the last of his terrible untidiness, as he never really lived at home for any length of time again. I just felt very proud of both sons for doing well and they have both got good careers, one in London and one in Australia. I suppose I've never lived through my children. My main aim when they were young was to live somewhere where the schools were excellent, and the rest was up to them. I have my own life to live, and lots of travelling to do, including regular trips to Australia to see my grand daughter and soon to be born grandson. Is it different with sons maybe?
    • susancs
    • By susancs 31st Mar 17, 2:05 PM
    • 3,787 Posts
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    susancs
    OP, there is a very good article in the Guardian about how you are feeling and that often it is not always understood by others.
    https://www.theguardian.com/education/2013/sep/18/parents-coping-when-children-leave-home

    I think it is like all aspects of being a mum, we are all different. I remember some of my friends who were delighted at their child's first day at school and others who were tearful. All were equally brilliant and loving Mums. I personally would never be dismissive of another Mums emotions just because I have not experienced the same. I never suffered from post natal depression but recognise it is real (it wasn't when my mother had me, she was told she had a healthy child and should be ashamed of herself for crying).
    • Pop Up Pirate
    • By Pop Up Pirate 31st Mar 17, 5:28 PM
    • 683 Posts
    • 1,818 Thanks
    Pop Up Pirate
    Hi. I know my problem is going to seem really trivial. My youngest daughter is off to uni in September and instead of being happy about it I'm so upset. I literally can't stop crying. I know I should be happy and excited for her and I do know it's going to be great for her but how am.I going to get through it? I've been crying for a week.now. waking up crying in the morning. How do you mums get through it? If I'm like this now how bad will I be when the day finally arrives?
    Originally posted by Charityworker
    Are you serious???
    • JIL
    • By JIL 31st Mar 17, 10:18 PM
    • 2,690 Posts
    • 18,375 Thanks
    JIL
    I know just how you feel, I cried for a week after my first went off to university. I think it was the realisation that family life as we knew it had come to an end. I missed him and I worried about him, but as the weeks turned into months I was really proud of how well he was getting on. He came home for Christmas and Easter and the long summer holidays. He never really lived at home again.
    I was a bit more prepared when two years later the next one left.
    I missed them both but I got used to a different way of life and went out a lot more with my husband.
    You just kind of adapt.
    • Peter333
    • By Peter333 1st Apr 17, 12:06 AM
    • 1,724 Posts
    • 5,430 Thanks
    Peter333
    Wow some really harsh comments towards the OP here. The 'first world problems' chestnut, and 'are you actually serious?' And so on!

    The poor woman is genuinely upset and is feeling bereft already. I was sad at the thought of our daughter leaving for uni, and my wife cried all the way home when we dropped our daughter off at uni 3.5 years ago.

    She (and I) missed her terribly for the first couple of terms (she was the last of our 3 to leave home,) but she kept in touch on twitter, facebook, snapchat etc... and she came home every 6 weeks or so, so we were all fine by the spring time of her first year there.

    Our worst fear was her staying in her uni town (which was 300 miles away!) as she was dating a boy down there for a while. It was a really tedious, costly trip and took about 7 hours each way. We dreaded it every time we had to do it! But they finished, and when she finished her degree last year, she moved to a city only half an hour's drive from us...

    Now - 3.5 years on, she lives with 3 others in a flat in that city, and has a great job there, and we see her about 3 times a month. And tbh as much as we love her, we don't miss her living at home now, and she doesn't miss living with us, as she has not lived at home for so long now. She came from uni for good last June, stayed with us for 3 weeks, and then moved out to live with her pals. She is a grown up now, and doesn't need to be living with us.

    You'll be fine OP, and you sound like an amazing mother. The 3 years will fly by; honestly!
    • -taff
    • By -taff 1st Apr 17, 12:16 AM
    • 7,256 Posts
    • 4,655 Thanks
    -taff
    Are you sure it's the loss of your daughter you're grieving for and not the loss of what you think your role is going to be in the future? I can see how you may be thinking you're not needed anymore, and you'll have to carve a new identity for yourself.
    People do though.
    • susancs
    • By susancs 1st Apr 17, 9:14 AM
    • 3,787 Posts
    • 3,663 Thanks
    susancs
    OP, you sound like a practical person who gets things done i.e running your own business and being a district councillor so maybe the way forward is to start getting things together for Uni bit by bit with your daughter.

    One of my friends was a great cook, but her daughter was a poor cook, so she started doing more cooking with her. This helped her DD settle in and make friends as she was able to cook a lot of cheap pasta dishes and share these.

    For my daughter we had the trip to Ikea to get a couple of mugs, plates, cooking and eating utensils, bedding, clothes drying rack, laundry bag, iron, hot water bottle, towels etc. My advice would be to buy cheap cooking and eating utensils as in dorms they tend to go missing over time. She will need practical things like a first aid and medicine kit, a folder with her docs in it (passport, national ins details, cv, log in details for the various sites). Plug socket extensions are often needed as they never have enough plug sockets, a throw is great if they are poorly or need to run to the bathroom wrapped up in one or to sit watching movies (Dd prefered a throw to a dressing gown).

    If she has a tv and google chromecast look for cheap deals for now tv and Netflix (as you can have more than one person using these and students usually don't want to pay for a tv licence) My dd and mates used to have movie nights as one student had a projector given as a birthday gift. on the wall in the corridor for the block. They all used to sit in throws or their duvets.

    Look together at how to get a student bank account and consider the deals that come with them (the 16-25 free railcard bank account was good for my daughter) Your DD may need to start looking for and booking her Uni accommodation and apply for a student loan soon.

    She will need the men acwy vaccination before going to uni and they were low on stocks locally when my daughter went to uni so there was a wait.

    You don't mention your daughters age, but if 19 soon then maybe start to look at the HC1 form (usually recommended to be done when they start Uni and are paying for accomodation) for free prescriptions, help with the cost of glasses etc).

    Start looking for cheap hotel deals that may be near the Uni so you can visit.

    My DD and I found the student Room forum for her particular Uni was a great source of information. There was advice from current students on various issues such as the more reasonable accommodation. On this advice DD booked into the bigger blocks with shared bathrooms, kitchen rather than the smaller, nicer 4 bedroom flats with en suites and it was great for her first year as she made loads of friends and those in the flats often spent time in the blocks as they were lonely when flatmates were out or away for the weekend. DD always had someone for company. She is now in a shared house, she loves, but she says the bigger blocks are good for first year as you have to mix. She also had a door stopper (on the advice of the student forum and used this to prop her door open on the first weeks to get to know others).
    https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forum.php#f307
    Last edited by susancs; 01-04-2017 at 9:30 AM.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 1st Apr 17, 9:24 AM
    • 22,078 Posts
    • 56,550 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Susan's post is too long to quote. But I have to say that if the daughter settles well in university, making friends and joining activities, the last thing she'll want is her mum turning up at weekends.

    University terms are not that long. She'll be home before you know it.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • susancs
    • By susancs 1st Apr 17, 9:42 AM
    • 3,787 Posts
    • 3,663 Thanks
    susancs
    Susan's post is too long to quote. But I have to say that if the daughter settles well in university, making friends and joining activities, the last thing she'll want is her mum turning up at weekends.

    University terms are not that long. She'll be home before you know it.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    Lol, it is a big long...got carried away, sorry.

    My DD settled in quickly but has always been keen to have family and friends to visit at weekends and introduce us to her Uni friends. My friends children seem to have been the same and invited their parents, siblings and friends for weekends (my DD has visited friends at other Unis at weekends).
    Last edited by susancs; 01-04-2017 at 9:48 AM.
    • Charityworker
    • By Charityworker 2nd Apr 17, 7:57 PM
    • 946 Posts
    • 691 Thanks
    Charityworker
    Thanks for all your replies. I actually do think I need to see a GP about depression. It's obviously not normal to be this upset and it's been getting gradually worse for a while.

    I'm not worried about her settling in. She makes friends really easy and I know she will meet some burk as soon as she gets there. I also know she will be really good at looking after herself and managing her money so ill have no worries there.

    It's almost like a feeling of I haven't finished. Almost like it's all gone too quick and I haven't had time to do everything or done enough with her. I was a lone parent for 8 years and struggled with money and we went through so much rubbish together.

    I suppose I'll get over it in the end.
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 2nd Apr 17, 9:45 PM
    • 2,120 Posts
    • 3,002 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    Charity worker - I think you may be right to have a chat with your GP, sometimes it just helps to tell someone who isn't immediately involved in the situation.

    For me, seeing the kids beginning to take their place in the world and working out for themselves what they were passionate about was the best bit. It made all the dirty nappies, broken nights, muddy knees and stroppy teenagers worth it.

    It's OK to be upset, and it's OK not to be upset. So long as it doesn't mean your daughter feels guilty about going off and having a hell of a good time.
    • svain
    • By svain 2nd Apr 17, 10:12 PM
    • 126 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    svain
    I must be the most awful mum, because I loved it when my youngest son left for uni. I had the house to myself at last, and it was the last of his terrible untidiness, as he never really lived at home for any length of time again. I just felt very proud of both sons for doing well and they have both got good careers, one in London and one in Australia. I suppose I've never lived through my children. My main aim when they were young was to live somewhere where the schools were excellent, and the rest was up to them. I have my own life to live, and lots of travelling to do, including regular trips to Australia to see my grand daughter and soon to be born grandson. Is it different with sons maybe?
    Originally posted by ibizafan
    Not at all, you have it spot on imo. It totally baffles me how some parents become totally encompassed by the children at the expense of their own life
    • amibovvered
    • By amibovvered 2nd Apr 17, 11:27 PM
    • 443 Posts
    • 616 Thanks
    amibovvered
    She makes friends really easy and I know she will meet some burk as soon as she gets there.
    Originally posted by Charityworker
    Sorry, but that made me laugh!
    I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
    Not in the next life, I want it in this, I want it in this
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 21st Aug 17, 1:43 PM
    • 329 Posts
    • 796 Thanks
    BucksLady
    OP, you sound like an extremely loving mum and your daughter is lucky to have you . I think the greatest gift any parent can give their child is their independence - so let her fly and she will be back .
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 21st Aug 17, 2:55 PM
    • 12,543 Posts
    • 16,742 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    She will need the men acwy vaccination before going to uni and they were low on stocks locally when my daughter went to uni so there was a wait.
    Originally posted by susancs
    I honestly thought that this was a typo for "men away" vaccination.

    Essential to maintain the virtue of all young women starting university.
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • amanda p
    • By amanda p 21st Aug 17, 3:28 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 68 Thanks
    amanda p
    The way I look at it is , they are happy, settled and enjoying life(you hope) This is what you have given them the wings for. I have two sons, number 1 son had a gap year straight after school and it was a full year. Going all over the world backpacking, this was before Skype, whats app. We only got e mails when it wasn't too remote. Then came home straight to Uni for 3 years, then after Uni went to Hong Kong where he has been for the last 10 years, and married a chinese girl!
    Son number 2, no gap year, straight to Uni for 6 years to do medicine. Now working at a London Hospital as a Registrar. Hardly ever see him as when he is off his first priority is to his wife who hardly ever sees him, unsociable hours, night shifts, 18 hour days etc.
    You learn to live with it, they have happy fulfilled lives and a little bit of me thinks I must have done a reasonable job for them to be so independent of us.
    Will never forget the gap year son saying when he left at the airport that he was so pleased I was the only mum NOT crying. The last thing he wanted to see was tears.
    Try to embrace it as the next part of their lives and wave her off with a smile......however difficult
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 21st Aug 17, 5:49 PM
    • 16,975 Posts
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    xXMessedUpXx
    Try not to feel too bad, i think my mum definetly felt the loss as my youngest sister and brother went to uni the same year. So she went from having a full family at home to just her and my dad (though they have since graduated and are back home). Its emotional but think of all the wonderful new experiences she will have, she'll meet new people, try new things, be independent and have a chance to study something shes passionate about. All those things go into molding her into a grown adult. You'vve done the hard part, let her do the rest
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
    weight lost: 0lbs
    • neveranymoney
    • By neveranymoney 21st Aug 17, 7:47 PM
    • 655 Posts
    • 655 Thanks
    neveranymoney
    I'm in the same boat, my daughter was meant to be attending a local uni and therefore staying at home but fast forward from Thursday and she is now going across the water to Scotland Saturday next.
    It has come as a HUGE shock, she has the perfect part time job here, which financed her own car (which is proving a pain to sort) everything was extremely cosy and in place and now it's not.
    I've no worries about her, she is extremely sensible and good with money, it's what could happen to her that's a big concern. She has sorted out change of uni, student finance, accommodation all herself and I'm happy that she's starting to feel excitement now it's beginning to take shape but my God, I'm heartbroken.
    I cried on and off all day Saturday, I had her when I was very young and we are extremely close. It comes in waves, I'm thrilled for her and the opportunities and life experiences she's going to have and when I go to bed, I feel desperately sad.
    I can't even leave her over as her younger brother is starting first year the same week but I actually think it's for the best as I would disgrace her!
    Her dad is taking her over and he is dreading it too, so it's not just us mums.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 21st Aug 17, 8:33 PM
    • 1,109 Posts
    • 1,673 Thanks
    pearl123
    Be proud of your daughter - she's going to university.
    • Fairenuff
    • By Fairenuff 21st Aug 17, 9:40 PM
    • 36 Posts
    • 50 Thanks
    Fairenuff
    Oh my god how I sympathise my youngest left home 31/2 years ago to move to London she /I new nobody to support /help her I cried myself to sleep for weeks before and many months after I miss her so much! Her older brother shipped out 4 weeks after her I miss him but not the same ! You will come through it your relationship will be the same maybe even better we speak either by text/email / phone minimum twice a day every day ,she has a nice circle of friends a good job and a happy life what more could we ask for she comes home every 4-6 weeks and I get so excited then cry like a baby when she leaves again !!! Yes maybe hormones but it could also be unconditional love you have for them ,you will be fine no magic cure just remember you are and always will be MUM x
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