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  • FIRST POST
    • MXW
    • By MXW 13th Mar 17, 6:51 PM
    • 454Posts
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    MXW
    Commitment phobes
    • #1
    • 13th Mar 17, 6:51 PM
    Commitment phobes 13th Mar 17 at 6:51 PM
    Long story, I've recently posted on here about my relationship ending.
    In a nutshell, we were seeing each other last year, got on really well, then out of the blue, he just left my house on my birthday with no explanation, ended things the following day, saying he had been on his own too long and his feelings had changed for me.
    Fast forward 5 months, he contacted me again, saying he wanted us to try again, he was much more confident this time round, (he said) told me when he ended it the first time he was scared, and he thought his head was going to explode.
    We started seeing each other again, things couldn't have been better, not a cross word in all the time we had been seeing each other.

    I had a bit of a strop about something (first time) and he's ended things again, saying literally overnight that his feelings have changed for me???

    The last text he sent me said he had lived alone for a long time, and he knew how to look after himself....Then he blocked me and cut me out of his life.

    In total, this is the 3rd time he has done this, and it has left me upset and bemused.

    It sounds ridiculous, but he is a good person, and couldn't have been more loving and caring....Then bam, his personality changes!
    I've made no attempt to contact him through any routes, but just wondered if anyone has experienced this themselves, or if they have done it to someone, and why they did it.

    He has been living alone for about 15 years, and apart from a couple of short relationships many years ago, I'm the first person he has had a relationship with in many years.

    It went from us having a great time and enjoying each others company (and him constantly telling me that I've brightend up his life, and he thinks about me all the time) to literally cutting me out of his life overnight.
Page 1
    • OldMotherTucker
    • By OldMotherTucker 13th Mar 17, 7:03 PM
    • 7,069 Posts
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    OldMotherTucker
    • #2
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:03 PM
    • #2
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:03 PM
    Op - if your best friend had the same problem, how would you advise her?

    That's your answer!


    Be your own best friend!!
    Should have joined Borrowmydoggy.com
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 13th Mar 17, 7:05 PM
    • 3,866 Posts
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    Caroline_a
    • #3
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:05 PM
    • #3
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:05 PM
    I think you need to move on. He's done the same thing to you several times, the reasons aren't really that important, what is important is that you learn not to keep going back and back only for the same thing to happen again.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 13th Mar 17, 7:27 PM
    • 669 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    • #4
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:27 PM
    • #4
    • 13th Mar 17, 7:27 PM
    Sounds like a man child, move on and leave him to it.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 13th Mar 17, 9:01 PM
    • 5,776 Posts
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    krlyr
    • #5
    • 13th Mar 17, 9:01 PM
    • #5
    • 13th Mar 17, 9:01 PM
    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Mar 17, 7:43 AM
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    Pollycat
    • #6
    • 14th Mar 17, 7:43 AM
    • #6
    • 14th Mar 17, 7:43 AM
    From your other thread:
    I think you want answers (and I'd be exactly the same in your position) but I really don't think you'll get them.

    FWIW, I think you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like he's got loads of issues and I don't think he'd ever really give 100% in a relationship.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I think it's less commitment phobia, more that he's just used to being on his own after such a long time and he might have been happy with a relationship that sounded more like 'friends with benefits' but when you threw your strop he decided it just wasn't worth the hassle.

    As above, I really doubt that you'll get any answers.
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 14th Mar 17, 7:44 AM
    • 7,089 Posts
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    jackieblack
    • #7
    • 14th Mar 17, 7:44 AM
    • #7
    • 14th Mar 17, 7:44 AM
    I think you need to move on. He's done the same thing to you several times, the reasons aren't really that important, what is important is that you learn not to keep going back and back only for the same thing to happen again.
    Originally posted by Caroline_a
    I agree
    If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got
    2.22kWp Solar PV system installed Oct 2010, Fronius IG20 Inverter,
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    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 14th Mar 17, 10:39 AM
    • 2,884 Posts
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    Malthusian
    • #8
    • 14th Mar 17, 10:39 AM
    • #8
    • 14th Mar 17, 10:39 AM
    If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got
    Or as Einstein put it, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".

    He has been living alone for about 15 years
    Originally posted by MXW
    Not surprised.

    and apart from a couple of short relationships many years ago, I'm the first person he has had a relationship with in many years.
    That's because you're the only person that would put up with this nonsense.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 14th Mar 17, 5:35 PM
    • 22,933 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    • #9
    • 14th Mar 17, 5:35 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Mar 17, 5:35 PM
    It's not nice being the fallback date, especially when Tinder is so easy to use as soon as they're not getting their own way.

    That's not a commitment phobe, that's somebody who likes being the centre of the universe and enjoys the first stages of dating, rather than wanting to take things deeper/further, plus not being prepared to consider other people's feelings. Notice that he legged it when it was your birthday? And when you were not doing as he wanted? Not his birthday, or when you were agreeing with him?
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 16th Mar 17, 4:07 PM
    • 1,171 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    Sounds like you have been more than reasonable in giving him multiple chances. Realistically he might be a nice person but you can't have a stable future if you are always worried he might take off again. Some people don't have emotional maturity and run from issues rather than facing up to things. Put it behind you and move on.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 16th Mar 17, 5:18 PM
    • 7,609 Posts
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    Primrose
    It does sound as if he wanted to have his cake and eat it up to a certain point, at which stage something happened, even possibly something quite trivial in many peoples' eyes which bought it home to him that if he moved your relationship any further forward something radical in his well ordered single life would have to change.

    And rather than have the courage to discuss this honestly and openly he took the coward!s way out because he doesn't have the interpersonal skills to handle difficult communications in a relationship. So he cut off and shut down.

    I suppose the first time ought to have been a warning but you were not to know. The benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it and being told to move on is all very well but not so easy to do until you're really able to get your head round the reason why. Mysteries are like drying scabs waiting to be scratched again.

    Perhaps you just have to try and understand that when he was comparing his single life compared with with his life with you in it, if he had to give them both a score out of ten in terms of which was the one he could best cope with, his single life gave him "Enough". It wasn't perfect and it was lonely at time perhaps but it was the one he could best cope with knowing his inadequcies at being able to adapt his behaviour to co-existing with another person.

    If I remember rightly he has already had one failed marriage and that had probably left him permanently scarred emotionally. He has not had sufficient lengthy relationships since then to practice learning any new coping and adapting behaviours and when your relationship starting to get to a point where things were getting a little more serious all his old doubts probably started returning.

    He may still be missing your company despite the break up but I suspect he will not risk exposing his inability to cope with the commitment of another serious relationship again. He will dip in and out again perhaps, temporarily enthuse and give false security to somebody else but will be unable to commit because the demands are just to scary in case things go wrong. So , no real answers for you unfortunately apart from bad luck in ending up with somebody who just couldn't,t cope with the demands that a serious relationship makes on individuals.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 17th Mar 17, 7:25 AM
    • 454 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    MXW
    It does sound as if he wanted to have his cake and eat it up to a certain point, at which stage something happened, even possibly something quite trivial in many peoples' eyes which bought it home to him that if he moved your relationship any further forward something radical in his well ordered single life would have to change.

    And rather than have the courage to discuss this honestly and openly he took the coward!s way out because he doesn't have the interpersonal skills to handle difficult communications in a relationship. So he cut off and shut down.

    I suppose the first time ought to have been a warning but you were not to know. The benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it and being told to move on is all very well but not so easy to do until you're really able to get your head round the reason why. Mysteries are like drying scabs waiting to be scratched again.

    Perhaps you just have to try and understand that when he was comparing his single life compared with with his life with you in it, if he had to give them both a score out of ten in terms of which was the one he could best cope with, his single life gave him "Enough". It wasn't perfect and it was lonely at time perhaps but it was the one he could best cope with knowing his inadequcies at being able to adapt his behaviour to co-existing with another person.

    If I remember rightly he has already had one failed marriage and that had probably left him permanently scarred emotionally. He has not had sufficient lengthy relationships since then to practice learning any new coping and adapting behaviours and when your relationship starting to get to a point where things were getting a little more serious all his old doubts probably started returning.

    He may still be missing your company despite the break up but I suspect he will not risk exposing his inability to cope with the commitment of another serious relationship again. He will dip in and out again perhaps, temporarily enthuse and give false security to somebody else but will be unable to commit because the demands are just to scary in case things go wrong. So , no real answers for you unfortunately apart from bad luck in ending up with somebody who just couldn't,t cope with the demands that a serious relationship makes on individuals.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Your absolutely right in what you have said. Ironically though, he was the one that wanted to book the weekend away (which is now cancelled), and wanted us to go abroad next year.

    I never mentioned the future, or put any kind of pressure on him. Think it was all just in his head!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 17th Mar 17, 9:21 AM
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    Primrose

    I never mentioned the future, or put any kind of pressure on him. Think it was all just in his head!
    Originally posted by MXW
    That's probably true too. The core issue is that we all have things going around in our heads when we start a new relationship. Most people do the sensible thing and talk their doubts or issues through with the other person involved and find a way of dealing with them. Compromises are often possible to work out.

    He couldn't even get theough that that Stage 1 of the process and if truth be known he probably uses that avoidance tactic in other areas of his life too, only dealing with the things he want to and avoiding the difficult stuff. Sooner or later though he will come across other issues that he simoly HAS to face up to and deal with, and because he has so little experience and previous skill in coping with them he will really struggle.

    Nine of us like dealing with this hard stuff but when we look back we realise we have learnt something from it along the way which stands us in a better place for the future.

    I hope you are gradually healing. Be patient with yourself. It does take time.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 17th Mar 17, 1:01 PM
    • 454 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    MXW
    That's probably true too. The core issue is that we all have things going around in our heads when we start a new relationship. Most people do the sensible thing and talk their doubts or issues through with the other person involved and find a way of dealing with them. Compromises are often possible to work out.

    He couldn't even get theough that that Stage 1 of the process and if truth be known he probably uses that avoidance tactic in other areas of his life too, only dealing with the things he want to and avoiding the difficult stuff. Sooner or later though he will come across other issues that he simoly HAS to face up to and deal with, and because he has so little experience and previous skill in coping with them he will really struggle.

    Nine of us like dealing with this hard stuff but when we look back we realise we have learnt something from it along the way which stands us in a better place for the future.

    I hope you are gradually healing. Be patient with yourself. It does take time.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Thank you for your wise words.
    X
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 17th Mar 17, 7:00 PM
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    Primrose
    Are you in a location or situation where your paths are likely to cross again?
    Obviously if you're not it will be better but if this is likely to be a possibility you may want to give a few moments thought on how you will deal with it.

    It will undoubtedly be either uncomfortable or embarrassing for a few moments but if you've pre-rehearsed this in your mind to give you the best advantage to make you feel in charge of the situation, it would be good for you .
    • MXW
    • By MXW 18th Mar 17, 6:13 AM
    • 454 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    MXW
    Are you in a location or situation where your paths are likely to cross again?
    Obviously if you're not it will be better but if this is likely to be a possibility you may want to give a few moments thought on how you will deal with it.

    It will undoubtedly be either uncomfortable or embarrassing for a few moments but if you've pre-rehearsed this in your mind to give you the best advantage to make you feel in charge of the situation, it would be good for you .
    Originally posted by Primrose
    It's highly unlikely that i will bump into him. We don't live too far apart, but he doesn't really do anything but go to work and go to his local pub.

    When he was seeing me, we did things that he wouldn't normally do. He will just settle back onto his old routine.
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 18th Mar 17, 8:17 AM
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    Poor_Single_lady
    Will you come back in time and tell us how you got on.

    I expect you will realise how this looks from the outside.
    My ex boyfriend wanted to book lots of weekends away. It took me a long time to see that with hindsight (in our situation) this was about him wanting to go away but having few people who could put up with him for that! Rather than him wanting to spend quality time with me.

    This thread holds similarities to that time in my life. He also had emotional problems and could never have committed. A part of me wondered if they were same person!
    But I am so much better off. Particularly that each year that passes I can spend my birthday with people who love me and who would never hurt me.
    Birthdays are important and you deserve to enjoy yours, not he with somebody who makes you question everything.

    Please come back and let us know how you get on. I hope you meet somebody who treats you as you deserve and makes you happy. Not like this.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • 20aday
    • By 20aday 18th Mar 17, 12:35 PM
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    20aday
    To me it sounds as if he's gotten used to living his life the way he wants, you've come along, and he can't handle the fact the World doesn't revolve around him.

    He's probably mentioned the 'future' because he felt that was what you wanted to hear rather than being truthful with you.

    It's easy for me to say this but you're much better off without him than you would be with him; I've dated people in the past and ran for the hills once things started to get serious and I'm being honest, they've had a lucky escape in the long run!

    I struggle with commitment for two personal reasons (one is my parent's divorce and the subsequent messy break up and the other I'd rather not disclose here).

    You deserve better and in hindsight it never worked out with Mr X as something much better is coming along when you least expect it.
    Last edited by 20aday; 18-03-2017 at 12:37 PM.
    It's not your credit score that counts, it's your credit history. Any replies are my own personal opinion and not a representation of my employer.
    • MXW
    • By MXW 18th Mar 17, 12:46 PM
    • 454 Posts
    • 215 Thanks
    MXW
    To me it sounds as if he's gotten used to living his life the way he wants, you've come along, and he can't handle the fact the World doesn't revolve around him.

    He's probably mentioned the 'future' because he felt that was what you wanted to hear rather than being truthful with you.

    It's easy for me to say this but you're much better off without him than you would be with him; I've dated people in the past and ran for the hills once things started to get serious and I'm being honest, they've had a lucky escape in the long run!

    I struggle with commitment for two personal reasons (one is my parent's divorce and the subsequent messy break up and the other I'd rather not disclose here).

    You deserve better and in hindsight it never worked out with Mr X as something much better is coming along when you least expect it.
    Originally posted by 20aday
    I think that he struggles with commitment because of his divorce. I think he would like commitment, but he's scared of it.

    In terms of talking about the future.....I never did, because I was mindful of what had happened in the past. Any talk of the future was down to him.

    I do think that you are right though, he's lived on his own for a long time, and to a certain degree has become selfish. I have also been single for a long time, but I have children, so I am used to putting other people first on a daily basis.
    • Money saving maniac
    • By Money saving maniac 19th Mar 17, 6:17 AM
    • 366 Posts
    • 674 Thanks
    Money saving maniac
    I think that he struggles with commitment because of his divorce. I think he would like commitment, but he's scared of it.

    In terms of talking about the future.....I never did, because I was mindful of what had happened in the past. Any talk of the future was down to him.

    I do think that you are right though, he's lived on his own for a long time, and to a certain degree has become selfish. I have also been single for a long time, but I have children, so I am used to putting other people first on a daily basis.
    Originally posted by MXW
    Sorry if this doesn't cheer you up but congrats on your lucky escape hon x
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