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    • Andrew Ryan 89
    • By Andrew Ryan 89 12th Mar 17, 10:08 PM
    • 493Posts
    • 275Thanks
    Andrew Ryan 89
    Is it important to have a life of your own?
    • #1
    • 12th Mar 17, 10:08 PM
    Is it important to have a life of your own? 12th Mar 17 at 10:08 PM
    So I thought of this thread after a discussion with a friend of mine. Last year he came into some money as he was made redundant, something around £7k, and pledged to use it to start his own business as he was fed up working in the corporate environment.

    During that time, I was with him when another friend of his called and asked if he wanted to join them in Ibiza for the week to celebrate a birthday. In typical fashion, without thinking he said yes and literally got up, packed his bags and headed for the airport that evening. When he came back he was showing of all these pictures of him drinking stupidly expensive champagne and went on about how much of a good time he had.

    Not going into details, he's been through enough that he deserves to let his hair down whenever but I was scratching my head puzzled as the week before he was talking about using his money to help his struggling mum and start a business, but now he had blown all his money and had no job.

    Anytime someone ask him out somewhere he always says yes. Even when he has a prior arrangement he will somehow try to merge the two or go to both. He's a fantastic guy and every one loves him and his quirks.

    Broke and jobless, we are having a deep conversation about a number of things and I brought up the conversation about his spending in Ibiza. He felt no way about it, justifying that his friends also went and spent thousands on champagne. Paradoxically, he also was emotional by the fact he was not in a position to help his mum out and or start a business but mentioned a friend invited him to go to Thailand for 3 months and he was going.

    I told him that he needs to carve out a life for himself. All his friends that were in ibiza with him all went back to their jobs, wives and children and every time an opportunity comes up for him to do something with his life (relationship, money and family) he inevitably throws it down the drain, especially as he goes on about not having the aforementioned.

    It's getting to a point where everyone around him is getting married, having children, buying properties or getting on with a career. I just fear that 10 years from now all he's going to be over reliant on others for any ounce of happiness or self worth

    Sorry, I know it's a long post and I hope it makes sense. What are your thoughts?
Page 3
    • Andrew Ryan 89
    • By Andrew Ryan 89 15th Mar 17, 12:51 PM
    • 493 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    Andrew Ryan 89
    Andrew
    I think you're being a bit specious with your comment ^^^^ in bold.

    Why did you feel it necessary to tell him he needs to carve out a life for himself if you're not being judgemental and criticising his lifestyle?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Because he is the one asking for my opinion. I don't just go up to him and start mouthing off. We are having a deep conversation (haven't seen him in some time since he's moved up north) and he is upset by the fact that he doesn't have a partner, job or can take care of his mother. My observation is that that he may find it worthwhile to concentrate on himself a little.

    A lot of people have jumped on me about this thread but haven't even really responded and just have concentrated on "my ego". As I mentioned before, I am just asking a question, not too sure of the answer. I have a friend who is not in the happiest position and comes across as he has no direction in life. One day he is wishing he had money to help his mother out, next day he gets it, the day after he spends it on 50 Cent Vodka and Cristal and the day after that he is upset that his mother has to sell the car to pay for house repairs and food and he was not in a position to help.

    The point of this thread was to ask, in regards to your foundation in life, is it a problem if it is reliant on other people (who are not family)? I am not the happiest of people generally speaking but have a goal in life to make my wife happy and raise a health and happy child, passing on lessons learned, owning a house to pass on etc.I love going out with my friends, playing football here and there but my self worth, sense of achievement, goal in life is not reliant on them. I got a home to go back to, a child, a wife and a brother who I am trying to do my best for. I am not showing off nor do I even remotely claim I have a perfect to even decent life. I don't know the answer to the above either.

    My worry for my friend is that when everyone is grown up, whether that be the family man with 10 kids, the single person building a career or property empire or someone working 9-5 5 days a week, single and happy strolling through life and take each day as it comes - What happens to the guy who still wants the family and career success but can no longer go out clubbing every weekend or Ibiza every month because everyone around him has their "own life" to deal with?

    Does he simply go out whenever he can, go on holiday whenever the guys are free and maintain the same level of happiness (not too sure that's the right word)? Or does he go into a deep depression/feeling of inadequacy? I don't know. I know a put a personal example but this topic was more to explore the above question. It would be better if people contributed more by saying how they currently setup their lives or examples of other people they know instead of jumping on me for not responding to a thread 10 minutes after it was created.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 15th Mar 17, 1:09 PM
    • 10,297 Posts
    • 23,687 Thanks
    suki1964
    I still think this thread is more about you then any 'friend'
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 15th Mar 17, 1:14 PM
    • 16,367 Posts
    • 39,262 Thanks
    Pollycat
    So I thought of this thread after a discussion with a friend of mine. Last year he came into some money as he was made redundant, something around £7k, and pledged to use it to start his own business as he was fed up working in the corporate environment.

    During that time, I was with him when another friend of his called and asked if he wanted to join them in Ibiza for the week to celebrate a birthday. In typical fashion, without thinking he said yes and literally got up, packed his bags and headed for the airport that evening. When he came back he was showing of all these pictures of him drinking stupidly expensive champagne and went on about how much of a good time he had.

    Not going into details, he's been through enough that he deserves to let his hair down whenever but I was scratching my head puzzled as the week before he was talking about using his money to help his struggling mum and start a business, but now he had blown all his money and had no job.

    Anytime someone ask him out somewhere he always says yes. Even when he has a prior arrangement he will somehow try to merge the two or go to both. He's a fantastic guy and every one loves him and his quirks.

    Broke and jobless, we are having a deep conversation about a number of things and I brought up the conversation about his spending in Ibiza. He felt no way about it, justifying that his friends also went and spent thousands on champagne. Paradoxically, he also was emotional by the fact he was not in a position to help his mum out and or start a business but mentioned a friend invited him to go to Thailand for 3 months and he was going.

    I told him that he needs to carve out a life for himself. All his friends that were in ibiza with him all went back to their jobs, wives and children and every time an opportunity comes up for him to do something with his life (relationship, money and family) he inevitably throws it down the drain, especially as he goes on about not having the aforementioned.

    It's getting to a point where everyone around him is getting married, having children, buying properties or getting on with a career. I just fear that 10 years from now all he's going to be over reliant on others for any ounce of happiness or self worth

    Sorry, I know it's a long post and I hope it makes sense. What are your thoughts?
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    I've quoted your original post ^^^^.

    Because he is the one asking for my opinion. I don't just go up to him and start mouthing off. We are having a deep conversation (haven't seen him in some time since he's moved up north) and he is upset by the fact that he doesn't have a partner, job or can take care of his mother. My observation is that that he may find it worthwhile to concentrate on himself a little.
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    Nowhere in your original post did you say that this friend was asking for your opinion.
    You didn't say he was unhappy with his life in your original post.
    You said he'd had a good time in Ibiza.

    Are you changing the point of the thread because the majority of the replies are not in your favour?

    A lot of people have jumped on me about this thread but haven't even really responded and just have concentrated on "my ego". As I mentioned before, I am just asking a question, not too sure of the answer. I have a friend who is not in the happiest position and comes across as he has no direction in life. One day he is wishing he had money to help his mother out, next day he gets it, the day after he spends it on 50 Cent Vodka and Cristal and the day after that he is upset that his mother has to sell the car to pay for house repairs and food and he was not in a position to help.

    The point of this thread was to ask, in regards to your foundation in life, is it a problem if it is reliant on other people (who are not family)?
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    How my life is set up is not really anybody else's business but my own and my OH's.
    And the same is true of your friend. He is an adult.
    If he can see the financial problems his mother has but prefers to swan off on holidays, how can you hope to change him?
    And why should you?

    I am not the happiest of people generally speaking but have a goal in life to make my wife happy and raise a health and happy child, passing on lessons learned, owning a house to pass on etc.I love going out with my friends, playing football here and there but my self worth, sense of achievement, goal in life is not reliant on them. I got a home to go back to, a child, a wife and a brother who I am trying to do my best for. I am not showing off nor do I even remotely claim I have a perfect to even decent life. I don't know the answer to the above either.
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    But if your friend wants those things too - a partner, job and to take care of his mother - he has to change.
    It's a simple choice.

    My worry for my friend is that when everyone is grown up, whether that be the family man with 10 kids, the single person building a career or property empire or someone working 9-5 5 days a week, single and happy strolling through life and take each day as it comes - What happens to the guy who still wants the family and career success but can no longer go out clubbing every weekend or Ibiza every month because everyone around him has their "own life" to deal with?

    Does he simply go out whenever he can, go on holiday whenever the guys are free and maintain the same level of happiness (not too sure that's the right word)? Or does he go into a deep depression/feeling of inadequacy? I don't know. I know a put a personal example but this topic was more to explore the above question. It would be better if people contributed more by saying how they currently setup their lives or examples of other people they know instead of jumping on me for not responding to a thread 10 minutes after it was created.
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    He makes his choice of lifestyle and then lives with it.

    If I were you I'd get on with my own life and leave him to sort his out.
    You're not his mentor or psychiatrist.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 15th Mar 17, 2:41 PM
    • 7,301 Posts
    • 24,804 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think this debate is all about one's individual personal values and learning how to set priorities and guidelines for oneself that direct us along the path we wish to follow. To a certain extent this will be influenced by our family upbringing and background and future aspirations.

    It's also about learning that every decision we make may have long term consequences, which may not come into play until years later down the line. There will usually be a trade off at some point where we're called to account, including the realisation that large sums of money spent early in life will not have the ability to accumulate for possible security for self or family in later life.

    That's fine if people make these decision in full cognaisance of the consequences . What people can't expect to do do is have their cake in the early years and then, if it all goes wrong, to be bailed out by others who have made different decisions and choices.

    We're living in an era where generally life expectancy is now greater than ever before. When many people died almost as soon as they started drawing their pension at 65, living for the day made more sense. When people are now living until 80 or 90 and have many more productive years of retirement ahead of them, planning financially for the longer term future seems more sensible and requires longer term planning.

    None of us have crystal balls to predict the future. All we can do is to plan and act in a way that hopefully will allow us to enjoy the longer term lifestyle we hope to enjoy going forward.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 15th Mar 17, 3:58 PM
    • 8,550 Posts
    • 12,264 Thanks
    meer53
    Until everyone in the world lives an identical life, asking questions like this is a complete waste of time.

    I love my life, it took some serious events to make me realise that you need to live in the moment, not looking backwards or forwards, doing that is a waste of time and energy. Make the most of what you have today, it could all change tomorrow. I believe it's called mindfullness these days
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 15th Mar 17, 4:45 PM
    • 717 Posts
    • 704 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    If he is happy with his lifestyle that's the main thing. Some people settle down a lot later in life and some people are always ' free spirits'! Seems like he just has different priorities which is fine so long as he isn't harming anyone in the process.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 15th Mar 17, 5:39 PM
    • 1,984 Posts
    • 4,290 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    "What happens to the guy who still wants the family and career success but can no longer go out clubbing every weekend or Ibiza every month because everyone around him has their "own life" to deal with?"


    Well I guess either he has to change or find others that want to go out clubbing or go to Ibiza
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 15th Mar 17, 8:06 PM
    • 597 Posts
    • 1,047 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    "What happens to the guy who still wants the family and career success but can no longer go out clubbing every weekend or Ibiza every month because everyone around him has their "own life" to deal with?"


    Well I guess either he has to change or find others that want to go out clubbing or go to Ibiza
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    Anyone who've ever been to Ibiza can confirm there are plenty of older Brits living an 'alternative lifestyle' perfectly happily among fellow clubbers and hippy types!
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 16th Mar 17, 8:25 AM
    • 27,780 Posts
    • 16,635 Thanks
    getmore4less
    The point of this thread was to ask, in regards to your foundation in life, is it a problem if it is reliant on other people (who are not family)? I am not the happiest of people generally speaking but have a goal in life to make my wife happy and raise a health and happy child, passing on lessons learned, owning a house to pass on etc.I love going out with my friends, playing football here and there but my self worth, sense of achievement, goal in life is not reliant on them. I got a home to go back to, a child, a wife and a brother who I am trying to do my best for. I am not showing off nor do I even remotely claim I have a perfect to even decent life. I don't know the answer to the above either.
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    need to work on that a bit from your other threads.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 16th Mar 17, 4:25 PM
    • 5,326 Posts
    • 24,319 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Because he is the one asking for my opinion. I don't just go up to him and start mouthing off. We are having a deep conversation (haven't seen him in some time since he's moved up north) and he is upset by the fact that he doesn't have a partner, job or can take care of his mother. My observation is that that he may find it worthwhile to concentrate on himself a little.

    A lot of people have jumped on me about this thread but haven't even really responded and just have concentrated on "my ego". As I mentioned before, I am just asking a question, not too sure of the answer. I have a friend who is not in the happiest position and comes across as he has no direction in life. One day he is wishing he had money to help his mother out, next day he gets it, the day after he spends it on 50 Cent Vodka and Cristal and the day after that he is upset that his mother has to sell the car to pay for house repairs and food and he was not in a position to help.

    The point of this thread was to ask, in regards to your foundation in life, is it a problem if it is reliant on other people (who are not family)? I am not the happiest of people generally speaking but have a goal in life to make my wife happy and raise a health and happy child, passing on lessons learned, owning a house to pass on etc.I love going out with my friends, playing football here and there but my self worth, sense of achievement, goal in life is not reliant on them. I got a home to go back to, a child, a wife and a brother who I am trying to do my best for. I am not showing off nor do I even remotely claim I have a perfect to even decent life. I don't know the answer to the above either.

    My worry for my friend is that when everyone is grown up, whether that be the family man with 10 kids, the single person building a career or property empire or someone working 9-5 5 days a week, single and happy strolling through life and take each day as it comes - What happens to the guy who still wants the family and career success but can no longer go out clubbing every weekend or Ibiza every month because everyone around him has their "own life" to deal with?

    Does he simply go out whenever he can, go on holiday whenever the guys are free and maintain the same level of happiness (not too sure that's the right word)? Or does he go into a deep depression/feeling of inadequacy? I don't know. I know a put a personal example but this topic was more to explore the above question. It would be better if people contributed more by saying how they currently setup their lives or examples of other people they know instead of jumping on me for not responding to a thread 10 minutes after it was created.
    Originally posted by Andrew Ryan 89
    Andrew - I am almost 74 years of age, have lived, loved, laughed and lost - and I can tell you - setting up your life with a goal of being happy just does not happen!

    For example, in my early 30s we (my OH and I) had decided that we could not afford a fourth child, so consequently changed our goals - I applied to go to college and got my place, we sold our 3 bed semi with all mod cons and bought two semi-derelict cottages with the aim of converting them into a good sized home for us and the children. Three months later, we discovered that I was five months pregnant and our plans for the house were delayed! I finished the course two days before No 4 was born.

    Then because I had four children I was not considered a "good choice" in the career I had chosen (although as a volunteer I was "the business")- so another change.

    There were other occasions when I/we had to change course for many, many reasons but there was no point in wringing hands and sighing over lost chances - you have to live in the here and now and find contentment with what is in front of you - that way lies happiness.

    Even now, six years after losing my dear OH of 48 years, I am content. Of course, at the time of his death I was in tears for most of the time, there were regrets about silly things - times I had been sarcastic, or when we hadn't made up after a disagreement immediately - but there was nothing I could do about them then. Just enjoy your child, your wife, your life, stop overthinking everything - and keep yer gob shut about the dosh you are making :-) - things can change when you least expect them to.
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