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  • FIRST POST
    • DollyDay
    • By DollyDay 12th Mar 17, 11:52 AM
    • 11Posts
    • 1Thanks
    DollyDay
    Husband is leaving me
    • #1
    • 12th Mar 17, 11:52 AM
    Husband is leaving me 12th Mar 17 at 11:52 AM
    Hello, I am hoping for some advice please. My husband has told me he is leaving me after more than 20 years together. It was a complete shock and he says he has fallen out of love with me, and has now found someone he thinks he wants to be with.

    Financially, we have £50k in ISA's, a house worth £400K with a £50K mortgage on it, and an endowment maturing next month for £36k (which we were going to put into the house and reduce our mortgage to £14k).

    He has already told me he wants half of the house so I figure he means £200k. I cannot get/afford a mortgage for this much, and also do not feel that I want to commit myself to a new large mortgage at this point in my life, when I was expecting to be mortgage free in 3 years time. I also feel strongly that I do not want to sell the house at the moment - it's my home and because the rest of my life feels as though its falling apart, I feel that the house is the only bit of stability I have at the moment.

    So, my question is, although I initially assumed/thought we would both be entitled to 50/50, as it is he who is leaving me, does that make any difference as far as who is entitled to what? At the moment we are both saying we would like to sort finances etc out amicably.

    We have shared all of our income ever since we have been together. I always looked after the finances, I don't think he would even know exactly how much money we have in the bank and in savings. He has earned more than me for most of the earlier years we were together, but since the recession I have earned slightly more than him. I inherited £10k when we were younger which we used as a deposit on a flat purchase, neither of us has put in any other large sums as we were only young when we met.

    If anyone can offer any advise I would be very grateful, I don't really know where to start just now...
Page 1
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 12th Mar 17, 12:01 PM
    • 5,015 Posts
    • 6,936 Thanks
    ViolaLass
    • #2
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:01 PM
    • #2
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:01 PM
    Any children involved?
    • DollyDay
    • By DollyDay 12th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    DollyDay
    • #3
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:10 PM
    No children.
    • Thrugelmir
    • By Thrugelmir 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    • 55,160 Posts
    • 48,360 Thanks
    Thrugelmir
    • #4
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    • #4
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    Firstly find yourself a good solicitor to advise you. Secondly accept the fact that divorce is life changing. While life will be stressful for a period of time you'll eventually reach the end of the tunnel.

    Pension assets will also come into the equation. When division is made. Starting point is a 50/50 split. Unless there's reasons to the contrary. Little point in dragging matters through the court and wasting huge sums on legal fees. As no one wins.
    “ “Bull markets are born on pessimism, grow on skepticism, mature on optimism, and die on euphoria. The time of maximum pessimism is the best time to buy, and the time of maximum optimism is the best time to sell.” Sir John Marks Templeton
    • stolt
    • By stolt 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    • 2,792 Posts
    • 1,206 Thanks
    stolt
    • #5
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    • #5
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:15 PM
    im sorry to here your story, i really cant offer any sound advice as im not qualified. i know it must be a shock but i think you need to obtain proffesional advice on whats best for you. personally i think yes when a split happens its goes 50/50. is it worth talking to husband perhaps hes going through a bit of midlife crisis. I had something similar happen a few years ago and start questioning everything in your life and where its heading, i know things seem just normal and mundane. I know this doesnt just affect men but women aswell. I wonder what he thinks he will do when everythings split up 50/50 in a rising market. just want to wish you all the best, you seem to be in a similar stage of life as me with regards to mortgage and obviously looking forward to the future being mortgage free. best if you can to do everything with courts if you can because it just eats all your money up, depends on how amicable it can be. wishing you all the best
    Listen to what people say, but watch what people what people do!!
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 12th Mar 17, 12:17 PM
    • 13,422 Posts
    • 36,577 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    • #6
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:17 PM
    • #6
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:17 PM
    Entirely understandable as to why you would want to hold onto the house if you can.

    However, what would £200,000 buy in your part of the country? Would it be a flatlet, flat, starter house, reasonable house? What level of housing could be got there for that amount of money?
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 12th Mar 17, 12:37 PM
    • 7,228 Posts
    • 7,741 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    • #7
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:37 PM
    • #7
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:37 PM
    Odds are he has a pension you are entitled to half of (and vice versa).

    You'll be 50 with £200k, a pension and a 25k ISA plus whatever savings you have. Not a terrible place to be even if worse than you expected.

    You will have to start again from that point, so sorry if that means the house has to be sold but that will be the reality. Perhaps a new place with no embedded memories will make it easier?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Mar 17, 12:47 PM
    • 28,213 Posts
    • 71,776 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:47 PM
    • #8
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:47 PM
    Financially, we have £50k in ISA's, a house worth £400K with a £50K mortgage on it, and an endowment maturing next month for £36k.

    He has already told me he wants half of the house so I figure he means £200k. I cannot get/afford a mortgage for this much
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    A 50/50 division doesn't mean everything has to divided up equally - it's the final amount that matters.

    If he took the £50k and the £36k (or maybe a bit less so that you keep some emergency money), then you can keep a larger percentage of the house.

    If his pension is better than yours, you can offer to let him keep it all and further reduce his share of the house.

    Life is going to change and the house might hold too many memories but I can understand you not wanting to move out immediately.
    • FIRSTTIMER
    • By FIRSTTIMER 12th Mar 17, 12:49 PM
    • 249 Posts
    • 50 Thanks
    FIRSTTIMER
    • #9
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:49 PM
    • #9
    • 12th Mar 17, 12:49 PM
    If I was in this situation - I would split everything 50/50, sell up. Then use the 250k etc to buy a home by myself with a small 50k mortgage if needs be....so I could get something decent for 300k etc
    Savings £10000
    • DollyDay
    • By DollyDay 12th Mar 17, 9:25 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    DollyDay
    My husband has just become a total stranger. We have spoken about me buying him out and he has told me that if he gets half of what the house is worth now, and then I sell the house in 5/10 years time - he wants half of the equity that has accumulated during that time as well. He has also told me that he wants more than £225k, that he doesn't have to move out if he doesn't want to (he was going to move out at the end of the month), and he might want to stay here for a few years, then sell the house and retire.
    It doesn't sound very amicable any more somehow...
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Mar 17, 9:33 PM
    • 28,213 Posts
    • 71,776 Thanks
    Mojisola
    We have spoken about me buying him out and he has told me that if he gets half of what the house is worth now, and then I sell the house in 5/10 years time - he wants half of the equity that has accumulated during that time as well.
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    You will need to do a financial settlement that draws a line under your connection to each other so that this can't happen.

    If you haven't found it already, this site http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ has a lot of information and there's a helpful forum as well.
    • glosoli
    • By glosoli 12th Mar 17, 9:35 PM
    • 633 Posts
    • 365 Thanks
    glosoli
    Prove to him that you are not a push over and get legal advice as soon as possible for your own sake.
    • Thrugelmir
    • By Thrugelmir 12th Mar 17, 10:40 PM
    • 55,160 Posts
    • 48,360 Thanks
    Thrugelmir
    My husband has just become a total stranger. We have spoken about me buying him out and he has told me that if he gets half of what the house is worth now, and then I sell the house in 5/10 years time - he wants half of the equity that has accumulated during that time as well. He has also told me that he wants more than £225k, that he doesn't have to move out if he doesn't want to (he was going to move out at the end of the month), and he might want to stay here for a few years, then sell the house and retire.
    It doesn't sound very amicable any more somehow...
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    A solicitors letter might well focus his attention. Don't get embroiled in pointless discussion.
    “ “Bull markets are born on pessimism, grow on skepticism, mature on optimism, and die on euphoria. The time of maximum pessimism is the best time to buy, and the time of maximum optimism is the best time to sell.” Sir John Marks Templeton
    • RightyTightyLeftyLoosey
    • By RightyTightyLeftyLoosey 12th Mar 17, 11:11 PM
    • 302 Posts
    • 862 Thanks
    RightyTightyLeftyLoosey
    Please protect yourself financially and seek the advice of a solicitor, as others have said.

    Most will have endless experience of dealing with unrealistic ex-spouses and their ridiculous demands. The courts are only interested in what is equitable, given the circumstances of each particular case, and it sounds like your husband is in need of a wake-up call.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 13th Mar 17, 6:45 AM
    • 7,228 Posts
    • 7,741 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    My husband has just become a total stranger. We have spoken about me buying him out and he has told me that if he gets half of what the house is worth now, and then I sell the house in 5/10 years time - he wants half of the equity that has accumulated during that time as well.
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    Fantasy time as long as you ensure the break is final and the financial split means that house ownership is updated. Though it's also good reason to be selling.

    He has also told me that he wants more than £225k
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    After 20 years seems highly unlikely he'll get that.

    that he doesn't have to move out if he doesn't want to (he was going to move out at the end of the month)..
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    Correct and another reason to sell and have any clean break. Doesn't work with the idea of him having found someone else though. Maybe just a bluff to get you to want to sell ?

    and he might want to stay here for a few years, then sell the house and retire.
    It doesn't sound very amicable any more somehow...
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    Sounds as if the penny hasn't dropped about his pension.

    Then it will get even less amicable. All points towards selling being your best bet. You need to see a solicitor.
    • GDB2222
    • By GDB2222 13th Mar 17, 7:50 AM
    • 13,962 Posts
    • 74,983 Thanks
    GDB2222
    This is a very difficult time for you both, and you need some legal help. But some lawyers tend to inflame the situation, in my experience. (I work in that field.) So, try to find solicitors who are more collaborative than confrontational. And be prepared to compromise.

    I know some lawyers who will happily spend £10000 of the couple's money on fees in order to get £1000 more for their client.

    Lots of couples share the house during the divorce process. It's much cheaper, obviously, than running two households.

    If you both have nearly equal earning power, the obvious solution is a 50/50 split of all the assets including the pensions. You can't retain the house unless you take on a massive mortgage, so you will just have to come to terms with that, I'm afraid. So will your husband. It will be a clean break, so he won't be entitled to anything after the divorce is settled.
    No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?
    • GDB2222
    • By GDB2222 13th Mar 17, 7:54 AM
    • 13,962 Posts
    • 74,983 Thanks
    GDB2222
    On the pension, you can argue for an equal split of the income from the pension rather than the value. Whether that makes any significant difference depends on the type of pension it is and your ages.

    This is one area that you can rack up costs for a marginal advantage. Since the costs will come out of the joint pot of assets, it may not be worth it unless the pension is quite big.
    No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?
    • DollyDay
    • By DollyDay 13th Mar 17, 8:59 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    DollyDay
    Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to reply.
    I feel very shaky today, didn't have much sleep.
    Can anyone offer any advise as to how to go about finding a solicitor please?
    I don't know any and I'm not sure where to start.

    Many thanks
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 13th Mar 17, 9:39 AM
    • 7,228 Posts
    • 7,741 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    Do you have any friends or work colleagues who've been through this process?
    • GDB2222
    • By GDB2222 13th Mar 17, 10:07 AM
    • 13,962 Posts
    • 74,983 Thanks
    GDB2222
    Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to reply.
    I feel very shaky today, didn't have much sleep.
    Can anyone offer any advise as to how to go about finding a solicitor please?
    I don't know any and I'm not sure where to start.

    Many thanks
    Originally posted by DollyDay
    http://www.divorce.co.uk/divorce-approaches/collaborative-divorce


    That is the website of Mills and Reeve, who are rather a large firm. Large generally equates to expensive! But you may find the ideas helpful.

    http://www.resolution.org.uk/

    This is a list of collaborative lawyers.

    Bear in mind that it takes two to tango. Also, its early days and there's no huge rush, provided you can manage to share the house reasonably amicably for the time being.
    No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?
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