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  • FIRST POST
    • kadison
    • By kadison 6th Mar 17, 5:29 PM
    • 3,390Posts
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    kadison
    Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?
    • #1
    • 6th Mar 17, 5:29 PM
    Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship? 6th Mar 17 at 5:29 PM
    A post on a selling group prompts me to ask this.....if the man of a married couple sleeps with another woman, would you agree it was him that 'ruined their marriage' and not the other woman?

    I always think outside people can only ruin a relationship if they're allowed to, yet this woman gets all the blame and the man gets none. I should point out that I don't know any of the people involved so I don't know any finer points, I just wondered if anyone shared my view?
    Back on the 'No Buying Unnecessary Toiletries' Bandwagon as of 8/5/17!
    I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it - Groucho Marx
Page 5
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 10th Mar 17, 8:01 PM
    • 1,735 Posts
    • 2,534 Thanks
    Robisere
    Although I am 72 now, I remember my 2 brothers, both much older than me, and the separate ways they were unfaithful. Eldest brother (passed in 1988) had a reputation for this, but it really only came down to one 'other woman'. I loved my big bro, but I also loved my SIL as a big sister, because that is how she treated me. It caused increasingly worse arguments between big bro and me as I grew up. Middle brother (now late 80's) was also critical of big bro's infidelity, which lasted just under 2 years, after which big bro never strayed again. My lovely SIL forgave him and they seemed to recover from this, eventually having a good marriage. He was heartbroken when she died suddenly, well before him.

    Then I discovered from one of my nieces, that her dad, middle bro, had been seeing another woman for many years. After all the criticism of our older brother, the hypocracy of this drove me to face him with it. During a discussion with my dad about all of this, I discovered that my mother had actually left my dad many years ago, when big bro was a baby. She had gone to another man in another county and was living with him and his wife! She came back pregnant and dad took her back, after making her stay with friends for a while. Dad brought up middle bro as his and no one else knew that his middle son was actually another man's son. He swore me to silence but over the years I do not know how I stopped myself from blurting this out to middle bro, who was a really sanctimonious, self-obsessed guy, never practicing what he preached. (Still the same now!)

    As a result of all this, I swore that I would never go with another man's wife and, if I entered a relationship, I would never be unfaithful: when I met my first missus, I stuck to that through 2 children. Then I found out what it's like to have an unfaithful partner. I wound up leaving my family behind in another country and I have never seen them since, because I knew that if I stayed, I would probably have done something terrible, which would have hurt the kids more than me leaving.

    It took me a long time to find someone else I could trust enough and love enough, to marry. But years ago, I found someone who has given me another family and practically saved my life.

    The above stories, all true, illustrate what happens to people when a partner of either gender decides that the grass is greener somewhere else. Unfaithfullness in a partner always affects more than the 3 people directly affected. Many times in my life I have been offered a 'good time' with someone else's wife or partner and every time I walked away. There were male friends who knew about this and all but 2 thought me an idiot. I count those 2 as my best mates, although one is now dead. Speculation about blame is all very well, but no one stops to think about collateral damage.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 10th Mar 17, 8:27 PM
    • 814 Posts
    • 1,220 Thanks
    tensandunits
    Ouch! Harsh words! Surely that only applies if she's dragged him up the aisle kicking and screaming.

    I do happen to think, once a flirt, always a flirt.
    Originally posted by Judi
    I think it just means if he's a philanderer he's highly unlikely to change his ways. When the mistress becomes the (new) wife, he'll just take another mistress.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 10th Mar 17, 8:32 PM
    • 16,949 Posts
    • 25,853 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I think it just means if he's a philanderer he's highly unlikely to change his ways. When the mistress becomes the (new) wife, he'll just take another mistress.
    Originally posted by tensandunits
    That's how I've always interpreted that saying which sadly often happens.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 10th Mar 17, 9:42 PM
    • 10,525 Posts
    • 21,765 Thanks
    POPPYOSCAR
    That's how I've always interpreted that saying which sadly often happens.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Not always.

    Depends if they just want a bit on the side or are looking for love.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 10th Mar 17, 10:11 PM
    • 16,949 Posts
    • 25,853 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Not always.

    Depends if they just want a bit on the side or are looking for love.
    Originally posted by POPPYOSCAR
    Unlikely to marry them though if they were only wanting a 'bit on the side' Either way, it's never right to have an affair
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 10th Mar 17, 10:21 PM
    • 10,525 Posts
    • 21,765 Thanks
    POPPYOSCAR
    Unlikely to marry them though if they were only wanting a 'bit on the side' Either way, it's never right to have an affair
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I disagree to an extent.

    It is not always so black and white.

    Some say leave if you are not happy but that is easier said than done.

    I am not one for people leading miserable lives because of convention.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 11th Mar 17, 10:27 AM
    • 15,812 Posts
    • 39,526 Thanks
    FBaby
    Again, it all comes down to people putting their needs first and then justifying their actions because they were not the one creating the situation in the first place.

    Of course, many people cheat because they are just selfish always looking at wanting more rather than appreciating what they already have. Many cheaters feel cheated themselves somehow before they turn to someone else.

    The most common stated reason for people to cheat? I wasn't getting enough attention/affection/interest from my partner, ie. they were selfish! In some cases it's true, in others it isn't.
    • Kazzabell80
    • By Kazzabell80 11th Mar 17, 10:04 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 560 Thanks
    Kazzabell80
    Neither party is blameless in my opinion (if the other woman/man knows about the marriage). The person that is married should shoulder the lions share of the blame though.


    I don't think that it's ever right to cheat. People can say that it isn't as clear cut as that but what is the alternative? Cheat and then deal with the fallout when it all comes to light? Leaving broken families behind, children may end up resenting the parent. Everything is more complicated and bitter as a direct result.


    It's not going to be easy either way but why make things more complicated and heartbreaking for everyone involved? It's cowardly.
    • splishsplash
    • By splishsplash 13th Mar 17, 7:14 AM
    • 2,808 Posts
    • 7,975 Thanks
    splishsplash
    I disagree to an extent.

    It is not always so black and white.

    Some say leave if you are not happy but that is easier said than done.
    I am not one for people leading miserable lives because of convention.
    Originally posted by POPPYOSCAR
    It is, of course, easier to cheat than to leave - it's called having your cake and eating it. It's a sort of given that the cheater won't want to leave and will justify their actions. In fact, that's rather the point.

    What do you mean by your last statement? It sounds like a very odd thing to say. Who would be leading miserable lives because of convention? Do you mean the responsible adult who willingly entered a contract with another person and is now looking to unilaterally rewrite the terms rather than terminate the contract and accept the penalty clauses?
    I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 13th Mar 17, 8:36 AM
    • 1,385 Posts
    • 7,073 Thanks
    NBLondon
    A married person should be steering clear of sleeping with anyone other than their partner
    Originally posted by catkins
    Unless the partner agrees... or chooses to ignore.
    Which does happen - I'm not just talking about swingers but the case where a spouse accepts physical infidelity rather than give up the social status/financial security of the marriage. Which shouldn't need to be the case nowadays but sadly, there are still people (mostly women) who choose to make that trade-off.
    This Be the Verse - Philip Larkin. The first line that everyone knows.
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