Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • swhite91
    • By swhite91 5th Mar 17, 12:28 PM
    • 10Posts
    • 3Thanks
    swhite91
    clearly didnt learn the first time. i hate myself for being in this situation again!
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 17, 12:28 PM
    clearly didnt learn the first time. i hate myself for being in this situation again! 5th Mar 17 at 12:28 PM
    as the title says. i hate myself right now.
    bit of back ground.
    back in 2010-2012 i was young and stupid with money long story short ended up with 8 defaults and 1 ccj totalling £3000 in total for all of them. most of the defaults have now "fallen" off my file with just 2 left and the ccj to "fall" off in Feb 2018. I managed to pay all the debts off by end of 2015 and i was successfully managing 4 credit cards, a loan and a couple of catologue accounts with no issues in 3 years i had the accounts.

    this is where ive messed up after doing so so well!
    my partner left me in feb 2016 and it broke me and put me into depression. i never got help for this which i know i should have done. to make myelf feel "better" i started to spend more on the credit cards and catologue accounts on just pointless items, with my credit still not being "good" my TV broke and i made the worse mistake ive ever made even when i knew at the time i was crazy i still did it anyway. i got a TV from Perfect Home. I could afford the payments at the time but after about 2 months of having it. i started stop paying it. in fact. i stopped paying everything except 2 of my credit cards. i have no idea what was going on inside my head. my income had reduced a fair amount since my partner left but i was able just about make all the payments.

    fast forward a few months... i was still sleeping with my ex partner i found out i was pregnant in May 2016 so me and my partner got back together.

    i had my baby 7 weeks ago and i am currently on maternity leave and maternity pay, my partner got a claim for PPI an got £5000 back which we are saving for a deposit on house.

    this is where is gets painful for me to talk about... my partner knows about my previous debts back in 2010-2012 and he thinks my credit file will be clear by feb 2018 so we can apply for a mortgage. he does not know anything about the further... 10 defaults that now sit on my file from not paying anything at begining of last year after he left me... most recent default is 31st Jan 2017...

    my current debt is so much worse than it was years ago...

    i totalled it all up from my credit file and... £7500... i feel sick....

    i know i need to tell him because he think we are going to apply for a mortgage next year and no chance i can do that with 10 defaults on my credit file, im scared to death of what hes gonna say!

    i know its my own fault and i feel so sick and terrible i just want to burst into tears and tell him everything

    i have now contacted all the DCA and set up payment plans with them all although it will take me another 3 years to pay all this off im determined this time not to mess up again!

    so i guess... here i go again...
    LBM 1st March 2017
    Debt at LBM £7500 😭
    Current Debt Total £6227.50
    "Didn't learn the first time, hopefully second time lucky!"
Page 2
    • swhite91
    • By swhite91 8th Mar 17, 11:00 AM
    • 10 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    swhite91
    well that all happened fast! i rang my partner on his break at work at 10am and i told him over the phone and he took it surprisingly well!

    he did have a little swear word when i mentioned "perfect home" but as soon as i told him they offered to take the tv back and wipe the debt he said "right ring them up now and do it and il order a new tv tonight i wanted a new one anyway" hes always moaned about the picture quality not being right when he played on the xbox (men lol) so he wasnt overly bothered about it which is a big relief!

    i phoned perfect home as soon as i got off the phone to my partner and they said they would be at my home address within the hour, only took them 20 mins and they were here and took the TV back and told me right debt is clear and account closed!

    i feel like i can breathe a bit now!

    so a few days ago i owed £7500 in total and now its down to £6272.50 thats a saving of £1227.50 and i havent spent a penny!

    hopefully that figure will go down even further if any of my offers to the DCAs are accepted
    LBM 1st March 2017
    Debt at LBM £7500 😭
    Current Debt Total £6227.50
    "Didn't learn the first time, hopefully second time lucky!"
    • angelpye
    • By angelpye 8th Mar 17, 11:29 AM
    • 988 Posts
    • 3,710 Thanks
    angelpye
    Thats great news! Communicating with OH will hopefully get easier now your worst fears have not been fulfilled. Amazing how once you got your head into it you have been able to drive down the debt so much.
    Happiness is wanting what you have...
    Debt Jan 2017: £2589.22 DFD: Sept 2022 April 2022 but this Marching Minimalist can beat that!
    Use it or Loose it gym target: Feb'17 5/6 Mar 4/6
    EF £0/£4200
    • allthe7s
    • By allthe7s 8th Mar 17, 11:32 AM
    • 71 Posts
    • 270 Thanks
    allthe7s
    Im very pleased hes taken it well
    Next £615 £495 £436.23 Santander1 £297 £279 £261.95 Santander2 £84 £79 £75.11

    Savings Goal £163.67/£3000 by Dec 17
    • swhite91
    • By swhite91 10th Mar 17, 5:36 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    swhite91
    well... it didnt last long with my partner being understanding about my situation.

    yesterday he offered to pay off my highest debt of £1980 to my catologue account as they are the only one still adding interest and charges, i have a payemt plan of £100 a month but then they add £60 interest and £12 charge so it would take me years and loads of interest to pay that off, i told my partner i was very grateful and i will pay him back £100 a month till all my debt is paid off and then il up it to £200 till its all paid back, (hes using the money for the deposit for the house to lend me)

    that was yesterday... comes to today and we were supose to phoning up the catologue to pay it off but since hes got home from work all he has done is have a go at me! i got paid my maternity pay today (£484) and ive paid some of it to debt collection companys i still have £300 left but i have a few direct debits totaling £100 coming out on monday

    he asked me why i havent transfered the full £484 to him and asked why ive only got £300 left! i told him what ive paid today and he didnt believe me! i had to show him my online banking!

    then he had another go at me about lending me this money for the catologue so ive told him not to bother then if hes just gonna be using it against me for the next year i would rather not bother to be honest

    im stressed out enough as it is looking after a 8 week old baby plus my older two 8 and 6 years old and worrying about this debt ive got! i feel so down about it all and all he is doing is making me feel 10x worse

    i dont know what to do, im trying to sort this mess out and hes just putting me down even further about it
    LBM 1st March 2017
    Debt at LBM £7500 😭
    Current Debt Total £6227.50
    "Didn't learn the first time, hopefully second time lucky!"
    • nkkingston
    • By nkkingston 13th Mar 17, 1:03 PM
    • 442 Posts
    • 498 Thanks
    nkkingston
    I think it's best not to accept money from him for the debts, especially if he's going to run hot and cold about it. The interest is a pain, but it's better than the fighting with him about it. At the end of the day, he needs to back off and let you handle this, while he handles himself - it's clear he's still got a lot of issues around money he needs to work through as well (if you've never been in debt, it's easy to pretend your issues are just 'good habits', but if you're checking your partner's bank account because you don't understand what's going on with their money, you have to accept you've got issues too). He needs to work on supporting you emotionally - that's what will ultimately help you beat the debt, not financial support.
    Mortgage
    June 2016: £93,295
    November 2017: £80,096.79
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Mar 17, 2:35 PM
    • 4,661 Posts
    • 8,820 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    Was your partner paying child support for the 2 children you already had between February 2016 and when you got back together in May? It just strikes me he might be much better with money because he still presumably works full time and and you have children to look after so probably have reduced income. Do you work (after your maternity leave finishes)and how do you distribute bills etc?

    He obviously does not trust you with money, hence the conversation today about your maternity pay but I am guessing the catalogue and credit card debts are undoubtedly things for the children? Have you calculated and done a full Soa?
    4 weeks to go until early retirement in December . Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • StopIt
    • By StopIt 13th Mar 17, 3:10 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 1,181 Thanks
    StopIt
    well... it didnt last long with my partner being understanding about my situation.

    yesterday he offered to pay off my highest debt of £1980 to my catologue account as they are the only one still adding interest and charges, i have a payemt plan of £100 a month but then they add £60 interest and £12 charge so it would take me years and loads of interest to pay that off, i told my partner i was very grateful and i will pay him back £100 a month till all my debt is paid off and then il up it to £200 till its all paid back, (hes using the money for the deposit for the house to lend me)

    that was yesterday... comes to today and we were supose to phoning up the catologue to pay it off but since hes got home from work all he has done is have a go at me! i got paid my maternity pay today (£484) and ive paid some of it to debt collection companys i still have £300 left but i have a few direct debits totaling £100 coming out on monday

    he asked me why i havent transfered the full £484 to him and asked why ive only got £300 left! i told him what ive paid today and he didnt believe me! i had to show him my online banking!

    then he had another go at me about lending me this money for the catologue so ive told him not to bother then if hes just gonna be using it against me for the next year i would rather not bother to be honest

    im stressed out enough as it is looking after a 8 week old baby plus my older two 8 and 6 years old and worrying about this debt ive got! i feel so down about it all and all he is doing is making me feel 10x worse

    i dont know what to do, im trying to sort this mess out and hes just putting me down even further about it
    Originally posted by swhite91

    I know this forum is meant to be "Non-Judgemental" but my god, how can people in relationships be so callous?


    Bully for him that he's so "Good" with money, but if that's the case, who is paying for all of the baby equipment, clothes, let alone factoring in the value of your time looking after your children while he is at work?


    If it wasn't for the fact that it would only cause an argument, I'd be asking "How much is our baby worth" and if the answer is "More than anything" reply with "then value that, instead of trying to destroy me over debts that I am already feeling horrible about".


    A relationship should be about working together at everything, including financially. This guy is not "good" with money if he lets the mother of his children struggle while pretending he doesn't need to be a part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.


    You shouldn't be facing this debt alone, nor should your partner be taking such a tone. You should be forming a plan to get yourself debt free together, but I would not blame you for going it alone. And no, that doesn't mean him pretending that sorting out the household finances involves "lending" you anything.


    *rant mode off*
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 13th Mar 17, 3:21 PM
    • 4,661 Posts
    • 8,820 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    I agree with stopit. Unless you have been out buying yourself designer handbags etc I would wager a good proportion of the recent debt you incurred was for things for the children and general living. As you seem to have separate finances even though you have 3 children together it is important to make sure you have sufficient income for general household and expenditure on the children and yourself. Does he pay the bills and give you a certain amount for food etc? Do you not have a joint account?
    4 weeks to go until early retirement in December . Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • swhite91
    • By swhite91 19th Sep 17, 11:29 AM
    • 10 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    swhite91
    hello all, i havent posted here in months but i thought i would update you all, things have got worse so to speak, not regarding the original debt though i have managed to pay some of it off but not alot due to being on maternity since last november, in august i had an unexpected CCJ form from a debt from a old loan 5 years ago which i was on a payment plan for, i had to raise £1000 in 14 days to pay it off to avoid a CCJ which resulted in me selling everything i owned of value (my phone, laptop and some jewellery) to pay it, unfortunantly i literally did not have a single penny to pay any of my 3 credit cards and now they have added £24 of charges on each, my partner still has the £5000 in his savings and wouldnt lend me the money ( just £60) last month to pay my cards to avoid the charges so now my debt total has gone back up again!

    last week of august i got sick of being on matenity with little money and my partner constantly moaning about money even when we were managing to pay all the household bills, i went back to work a month early on first week in september (16 hours) and i also started to apply for another job to get more money coming in, luckly after 2 days of applying for jobs i had a phone call offering me a job interview and i got the job adding another 22.5 hours a week just above min wage to my income, i thought great! we should be perfectly fine now and i should be able to blast my debt down over the next year! although i am now working 38.5 hours a week over 7 days so i never get a day off, my partner is still giving me greive!
    I have all my wages and benefits paid into his bank account and he had all the household direct debits coming out of his bank and on 20th we split whatever is left between us, we both get paid weekly aswell including benefits we get about £3k a month with £1500 expenditure so now we have apparently £1.5k left a month which we spilt, i have worked all this out on a spreadsheet,

    so theres me thinking great i can pay a good chunk off my debts tomorrow and get my credit cards back in the green! i just asked him this morning roughly how much will i get tomorrow so i know what im paying off he said £200? i said i need more than that the min payments on my cards are now at £60 each on 3 of them not to mention i need £100 for the rest of the payment plans im on that i couldnt pay last month! he says hes got no money and he said he cant even pay his bills till next week so he will be "late" paying them? i asked late as in giving you late payment charges and he said no just late for when i normally pay them because i have to give you all the money we have tomorrow? he has £5000 in the bank hes not behind on anything and hes moaning because he cant pay his bills this week even though they are not due any payments for another 2 weeks?
    im stressed up to my eye balls! ive got charges coming out of everywhere, im looking after 3 kids including a 8 month old during the day im going to work at night and im working all day every weekend and all ive asked for is help to sort just my cards out so they stop charging me and making my debt worse!

    i would undertsand if he was in the same boat but hes far from it! i thought with me getting another job and bringing more money in he would lay off me a bit but nothings changed! im knackered after working 18 days straight and taking kids to school and looking after my 8 month old not to mention looking after the house aswell!, i dont understand what he wants from me!

    i can feel my depression slowly working its way back and i dont want it to! hes making me feel like this by being so unsupportive and judgmental and it not what i need right now, im doing the best i can, ive told him how much this is stressing me out and he just brushes it off and doesnt take me seriously! i know he loves me and i love him but i dont know what else i can do?

    if i had a full on meltdown infront of him telling him all this he would just say "its your own fault" yeah thanks for that like i dont know that! im trying and trying and i feel like its 1 step forward 2 steps back
    LBM 1st March 2017
    Debt at LBM £7500 😭
    Current Debt Total £6227.50
    "Didn't learn the first time, hopefully second time lucky!"
    • StopIt
    • By StopIt 19th Sep 17, 12:05 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 1,181 Thanks
    StopIt
    I'm just going to say this because frankly, money issues aren't your problem here.


    Your OP said that he left you, and this affected you. When you got back together, it looks like he took full control of the relationship as he realised that you wouldn't cope with him leaving again.


    This has resulted in frankly, abusive behaviour here. Your money should be paid into your accounts, and any money needed for fixed costs be sent via standing order. The rest is yours to deal with what you need to deal with.


    You say you know he loves you. How? Because I'm not seeing the love in forcing a parent of a 8 month old and 2 other children into working full time, taking their money and then messing you around financially despite controlling your money totally.


    Draw a line in the sand. Get your control of your money back. Demand that your partner actually steps up and contributes to your household emotionally as well as financially. If he doesn't step up, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth your mental health, because that's going to be the cost if you don't take back control.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 19th Sep 17, 12:15 PM
    • 8,111 Posts
    • 42,789 Thanks
    EssexHebridean
    OK - first step - open a basic bank account aside from any organisation you already bank with.
    Get your salary and benefits paid into there.
    Transfer the agreed amount for your share of the household expenses into his account if that is where they come from - but do NOT keep giving this man all your income every month - he's not sticking to the rules you've agreed between you, so you need to take it that all deals are off, and start arranging things so that you're not left in this position again.

    I think you also need to start ignoring the £5k you say is in the bank - he clearly regards this as "his" money so for the time being at least it makes the most sense for you to do the same - it's just stressing you out more than you are already, otherwise.

    You have to take back some control though - and start seeing your financial committments as being of equal importance to his - so you take your total income and work out everything that needs to come out of that - CC payments etc - BEFORE transferring anything else for household expenses.
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£632.77 (20/11/17)
    SOA Calculator for DFW newbies: Stoozing.com SOA Calculator
    • nkkingston
    • By nkkingston 19th Sep 17, 12:51 PM
    • 442 Posts
    • 498 Thanks
    nkkingston
    Yes, this is starting to look worryingly like financial abuse (if not other kinds as well). Take a step back and ask yourself, if a friend came to you and said she was worried about money because her husband was using her prior financial decisions and poor mental health to manipulate her, and he had complete control of her income but still put his outgoings ahead of hers, what would you say?

    Assuming a best case scenario, where your partner's money worries are manifesting as him being an arsehole (and ignoring all evidence of his previous arsehole behaviour), you need to work together to build a household budget. You need your own basic bank account, into which your income and your benefits are paid, Make sure to tell HMRC that your situation has changed, because the last thing you want now is benefits overpayments to challenge! He has his own account for the same. You open a joint account into which you both pay an agreed amount proportional to your incomes and household responsibilities (taking the kids to school, cooking, cleaning... imagine if you were paying someone to do all of that! If you're not splitting those chores fairly, then that needs to be accounted for) which covers all essential household expenditure - this includes not only all bills and food costs, but toiletries, essential clothing and children's items. Ensure that you have enough left over to meet your credit commitments. Ideally, you should also have enough left to have some "fun money", because if you are denied that while your partner can buy what he wants it's going to create tension and make you feel like you're being punished, which is bad for your mental health and breeds resentment.

    If he isn't willing to work with you to build a budget, if he behaves like your deserve to be punished and he deserves to be rewarded, if he insists you keep handing over all of your money, it's time to start thinking about a life without him. You've got two beautiful kids, and you want to think about the behaviours they're going to learn watching you.
    Mortgage
    June 2016: £93,295
    November 2017: £80,096.79
    • ElleWoods
    • By ElleWoods 19th Sep 17, 4:49 PM
    • 367 Posts
    • 635 Thanks
    ElleWoods
    Agree with the other posters that your debt isn't the main issue here - a partner is meant to support you and build you up, but this man seems hell bent on knocking you down then blaming you for it. He's being mean, controlling and abusive (financially, mentally and emotionally). Why are YOUR wages, benefits and maternity pay being paid into HIS account? Do you have a bank account? If so, contact ALL the benefits agencies, your employer(s) etc and get YOUR money paid into your account. If you don't have an account. open one and do this. Then I suggest you talk to your partner about opening a joint account for joint bills to be paid from, into which you both put a certain amount of money in each month to cover the bills, rent etc. But no way should your money be going into his account for him to control. If you carry on as you are you'll be in an even worse position financially.

    Just something else that occurred to me while reading your post - I assume your partner works (full time?), so are you now having to pay out for childcare for the three children now you're working 7 days a week? If so, who's paying for it - you, him or jointly?

    You can absolutely sort your debt @swhite, but at the minute you're fighting a battle to control your own money that you shouldn't have to be fighting. From one single mum in debt to another, you'd be better off on your own than with this person that puts you down, controls you and treats you like something he's scraped off the bottom of his shoe. <3
    • HairyHandofDartmoor
    • By HairyHandofDartmoor 19th Sep 17, 9:02 PM
    • 1,886 Posts
    • 7,877 Thanks
    HairyHandofDartmoor
    I agree with all the other posters, you MUST have your wages and benefits paid into YOUR account not his. He has all the control at the moment and you are not receiving emotional or financial support from him.

    You deserve better.
    My Diary http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716867
    Debt in July 2017 = £58,766 DEBT FREE 31 October 2017
    NEW GOALS - Build an Emergency Fund & Loss of Income Fund
    Emergency Fund 1 = £678/Emergency Fund 2 = £120
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

117Posts Today

2,656Users online

Martin's Twitter