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  • FIRST POST
    • Vault101
    • By Vault101 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    • 1Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Vault101
    Advice needed - House or Wedding?
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    Advice needed - House or Wedding? 2nd Mar 17 at 11:39 AM
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)

    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first. I think it's sensible to get a permanent roof over our heads and to not be paying rent for longer than we need before spending thousands on a wedding.

    I was just curious as to people's opinions on this? I appreciate that there's no right answer - but I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong about it, which has left me wondering perhaps I am.

    Thanks!
Page 6
    • Trina90
    • By Trina90 5th Mar 17, 8:43 PM
    • 100 Posts
    • 126 Thanks
    Trina90
    We bought the house first, in 2015. Now we are just under 3 months away from the wedding. Don't regret doing it this way round!!
    Mortgage started 2015: £150,000
    2016: £130,000
    Currently: £118,000
    • GDB2222
    • By GDB2222 5th Mar 17, 9:28 PM
    • 13,899 Posts
    • 74,463 Thanks
    GDB2222
    We bought the house first, in 2015. Now we are just under 3 months away from the wedding. Don't regret doing it this way round!!
    Originally posted by Trina90
    You've paid off £20k of your mortgage over that time, so you deserve a knees-up.
    No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 5th Mar 17, 10:17 PM
    • 10,040 Posts
    • 24,700 Thanks
    suki1964
    Well seeing as the op hasn't been back, it's all a moot point really
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 15th Mar 17, 9:13 AM
    • 22,066 Posts
    • 56,526 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Well seeing as the op hasn't been back, it's all a moot point really
    Originally posted by suki1964


    But the thread has been flagged up on the weekly email!

    Bit pointless.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 15th Mar 17, 10:44 AM
    • 479 Posts
    • 2,422 Thanks
    Teacher2
    Rationally, the house always comes before the wedding. You can't live in a wedding. A wedding is not an appreciating asset and, as house prices rise much faster than weddings, you need to buy a house before you can no longer afford it. A wedding these days is a big one-day-and-it's-over, vanity party.

    That said, there are ways and ways of having a nice wedding.

    If you are prepared to marry out of peak season or in the week as opposed to the weekend there are many bargains to be had. You can 'crowd fund' instead of presents. You an forgo the honeymoon until you can afford it. You can split the event into a top notch do for immediate family and friends only, on one day, and then have a big party later for everyone else at a more reasonable cost. You can get friends to contribute their skills and time (cake making, flowers, bridesmaids' dresses. posh car, photographs etc.) You can split the cost between various parties. If the bride and groom and then the bride's parents and the groom's parents all contributed an amount each you could get a good sum together.

    I suggest you have a session storming ideas for a 'bang for your buck' wedding day.

    Mine cost £250 all in in 1979 and was planned and catered for by my DH and myself. It was very 'low rent' in terms of showing off but we had a great day and the pleasure of being in our first home with no debts hanging round our necks.

    It's the marriage that's important, not the party.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 15th Mar 17, 12:57 PM
    • 12,531 Posts
    • 16,722 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    It's the marriage that's important, not the party.
    Originally posted by Teacher2
    Some of us like a good party too.

    It doesn't need to cost the earth.
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • Nana neat
    • By Nana neat 15th Mar 17, 6:52 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Nana neat
    House and wedding
    Your other half wants a big wedding, you want a house. Why not work out, together, how you could both enjoy the big wedding on a budget. Search for a secondhand dress, surprising how many 'new' dresses are out there ( not been worn), which of your friends have a big car they would lend for getting to church and reception, hiring a hall for reception. Relatives and friends donating the food for the reception. What other ways can you both come up with go beat the cost, and still have some left over towards the house deposit. You'll be very surprised, I'm sure. Whatever, good luck to you both.
    • aquarius02
    • By aquarius02 15th Mar 17, 7:57 PM
    • 36 Posts
    • 18 Thanks
    aquarius02
    Getting married isn't about giving your fiance what she wants, but about coming to an agreement or compromise over what you both would like. She should be considering what you would like as well as just what she wants. If you carry on giving her what she wants all the time, then this doesn't portend well for a happy marriage or financial stability. Relationships are about compromise and give and take on both sides.You need to discuss this properly with her.
    • pogofish
    • By pogofish 15th Mar 17, 8:27 PM
    • 7,369 Posts
    • 7,397 Thanks
    pogofish
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)
    Originally posted by Vault101
    On the contrary - You are one of the relatively few new posters who manages to find exactly the right place for their thread - Well done!

    To me your post sounds like your GF likes the idea of "getting married" a whole lot more than the actual realities of being married - and TBH, that's a huge warning sign to me.

    I've known plenty couples who have saved the expense of big fancy weddings - but still had a great time, in order to get a home and secure start in married life sorted. These tend to be the ones who stay together.
    Last edited by pogofish; 15-03-2017 at 8:29 PM.
    • anto164
    • By anto164 15th Mar 17, 8:30 PM
    • 106 Posts
    • 48 Thanks
    anto164
    My wife and I bought a house 4 months before our wedding.

    What we did, was save every penny we had spare for 4 years, the year after, spent every penny that we earned that year for a splurge year (including 5 abroad holidays), then that was it. We were FTB's living with parents, both with reasonably good jobs.

    We stretched ourselves for our house, but what we did was reduce our deposit amount down to 10% (We had enough for 20%), and used the money that we freed up to go towards our wedding (8 months ago). We still managed to spend a ridiculous amount on our wedding (and we were self funding for approx 85% of it), but it was a fantastic, fantastic day.

    It sounds like you have somewhere to live at the moment, so it's a very tricky position. She may see that you have security in that and that the next step is getting married. The only thing that you can do is try to convince that you don't need every single bell and whistle at the wedding, and economising is very much more beneficial, AND, rewarding. The money then saved can go to a house deposit. Or, split all savings, have a wedding pot, and a house pot, and never the two shall meet.

    Oh, and don't borrow for a party, it's rediculous.
    • Bumblebear
    • By Bumblebear 15th Mar 17, 8:43 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 438 Thanks
    Bumblebear
    My wedding cost £500 in... 2016 We bought our house first, once the furniture was in and assembled, we set about organising the wedding (2 months between moving in and wedding day). Neither of us have regrets that we didn't have a fancy party - it hasn't changed the fabric of our relationship, we already knew we wanted to grow old together, now we've got that in writing for legal purposes. I'm still proud to say I'm Mrs though I don't think starting married life with any disagreements about money is a good idea, especially if any of it comes 'on tick'.

    If the OP is still around perhaps some house viewings of the sort of places you would like to buy would be interesting for both of you, see what you want, then put the figures into a mortgage calculator on this site. Get some real figures - food for thought.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 16th Mar 17, 2:20 PM
    • 5,431 Posts
    • 24,718 Thanks
    thorsoak
    There's been no more feedback from the OP - but he was on first thing this morning. I would ask him just one question: what is more important to him and to his fiancee - the wedding or the marriage?
    • DD265
    • By DD265 16th Mar 17, 2:54 PM
    • 1,266 Posts
    • 3,186 Thanks
    DD265
    We're getting married before buying a house. It's just how it's worked out really. We don't want to buy where we are and OH needs to find a new job/career before we can look to move nearer to where I work.

    We also looked at mortgages early last year and on paper it wasn't feasible. Somebody earlier mentioned people panicking about interest rate increases - that's because you can be actively encouraged to stretch yourself on a mortgage. I don't remember the numbers the bank quoted at us, but I remember thinking we'd be screwed if interest rates shot up.

    The wedding isn't cheap but we're compromising and spending the money on what's important to us. If we'd been in the position to buy, we'd either have pushed the wedding out or done something much smaller.

    I think I'm more keen to buy than my fiance, (I also chose to spend more on a wedding cake and scrap the flowers!) but he has a stricter list of requirements for the kind of house he'd want to buy.

    Ultimately I don't think it really matters what you do, as long as you communicate and are both on the same page.
    MBNA: £4382.94/£6000 - 27% paid
    Savings: £1000.00
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 17th Mar 17, 5:03 PM
    • 1,083 Posts
    • 1,100 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    If I had some cash saved up I'd rather buy a house. I'd be worried that I'd blow the money on the wedding then run out of motivation to start saving all over again. A house deposit is expensive and can't really be avoided (unless you use help to buy and its smaller) whereas you can get married cheaply. The fact your partner won't compromise is worrying. You will have to if you want a successful marriage. A house can last you a lifetime but a wedding is just 1 day.
    • Starrystarrynight1
    • By Starrystarrynight1 17th Mar 17, 5:37 PM
    • 117 Posts
    • 247 Thanks
    Starrystarrynight1
    I sometimes wonder if people want a marriage or a wedding.

    I would absolutely want the security of my own home, not just a fancy day that most of the guests will see as a free feed and a booze up. A wedding doesn't have to be a big, expensive affair and I'd be concerned if my partner wanted to spend huge amounts of cash on one day, rather than helping to secure our future.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I used to be Starrystarrynight on MSE, before a log in technical glitch!
    • analyticalglory
    • By analyticalglory 18th Mar 17, 12:38 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    analyticalglory
    I couldn't pay thousands for a wedding without having a secure roof over my head. It wouldnt even be a question. If I wanted to get married before buying a house, it would be a simple small affair and every penny towards the house as possible
    Originally posted by midnightraven3
    I more than agree! You said it all!
    • Bumblebear
    • By Bumblebear 18th Mar 17, 1:35 PM
    • 98 Posts
    • 438 Thanks
    Bumblebear
    I sometimes wonder if people want a marriage or a wedding.
    Originally posted by Starrystarrynight1
    I got a lot of people questioning our choices about our simple (and £500) wedding. "Oh, but don't you want..." and "But, it's traditional to have..." I also don't have an engagement ring. DH and I said the same thing to everyone, we're interested in the marriage, not the wedding. Now we get a lot of "Oh, you're so lucky to have your house we never had a house like that". We both have full time careers and avoided a potentially huge bit of expenditure. "Luck", my backside!
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Mar 17, 1:56 PM
    • 657 Posts
    • 1,495 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    Getting married isn't about giving your fiance what she wants, but about coming to an agreement or compromise over what you both would like. She should be considering what you would like as well as just what she wants. If you carry on giving her what she wants all the time, then this doesn't portend well for a happy marriage or financial stability. Relationships are about compromise and give and take on both sides.You need to discuss this properly with her.
    Originally posted by aquarius02
    This with bells on,
    Beware the bride that wants an expensive wedding at any cost with no regaurd for future husbands wants......
    This is one day out of that brides life and NOTHING will probably ever live upto it again in her mind.

    A wedding is one day in your life, a house houses all the days of your life.

    My wedding was reg office and a bun fight in the back garden, i wanted the man not the huge dress and money worries, we then lived in a bed sit for a year, a flat for a further 10, and now our house 20 odd.
    Been married over 30 years and still want the man!
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 18th Mar 17, 2:51 PM
    • 29,201 Posts
    • 54,382 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)

    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first. I think it's sensible to get a permanent roof over our heads and to not be paying rent for longer than we need before spending thousands on a wedding.

    I was just curious as to people's opinions on this? I appreciate that there's no right answer - but I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong about it, which has left me wondering perhaps I am.

    Thanks!
    Originally posted by Vault101
    No contest for me whatsoever, I would want to marry the person I loved. However, I would also want a house.

    So I would have a tiny wedding as cheaply as possible so that we could afford the house.

    I would consider spending thousands on either rent or a wedding to be a waste of money.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • Jolly44
    • By Jolly44 20th Mar 17, 12:13 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 8 Thanks
    Jolly44
    Reality bites!!
    In todays fast moving housing market getting onto the property ladder as early as possible is the best idea. However, the two of you must decide want you BOTH want out of your life together. It is true that girls dream about the big white wedding - which is absolutely ideal if the brides parents are footing the bill! I have had both - the big church production paid for by my parents with a reception for 200 guests - and my second was a small intimate affair, but with dress, bridesmaids, limo's at a Methodist Church with only 30 people at the buffet reception paid for by my second husband and I. The one I remember and enjoyed more was the second. I had time to chat with everyone who had been invited as they were all important to us and not distant relatives we hardly knew and friends of both our parents.. Because of the small wedding we were able to go abroad for our honeymoon then come home to our 'new home' we had bought a few months earlier and had been working on
    so we could move in together straight after we were married. Neither of us had ever had our own home before so we were delighted.
    There are many couples who rent their homes and never want to buy a place of their own there's nothing wrong with it and that's just fine - so long as it what BOTH of them want.
    When a girl wants something she usually won't rest until she gets it -so if the big wedding is a deal breaker and you cannot image your life without her - buying a house will have to go onto the back burner until, if ever, you can save enough for a deposit....
    Good luck with whatever you decide;
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