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  • FIRST POST
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 2nd Mar 17, 6:55 AM
    • 14Posts
    • 42Thanks
    SigHI
    Help to deal with a controlling Mother.
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 6:55 AM
    Help to deal with a controlling Mother. 2nd Mar 17 at 6:55 AM
    Please help me! For various reasons I have lived at home with my mum for the last 15 years. I have been trying to leave for some time now but she wilfully sabotages every attempt I make.

    I know that she is worried about money if I leave. She claims a lot of benefits for me. Also, she will be alone. She doesn't have many friends as she is really quite nasty. The only people who come to the house are my carers and support workers and she treats them like dirt. My dad died 10 years ago and even though he did everything to please her, she hasn't got a good word to say about him.

    It's really hard for me to stand up to her as she has looked after me for so long, but she throws it back at me all the time and drags up the past. I was in an accident a long time ago which left me left me with a lot of problems but she treats me like I'm an imbecile. She tells people i"m a lot worse than I am and arranges things behind my back.

    I can't deal with her and I don't know what to do.
Page 3
    • ERICS MUM
    • By ERICS MUM 12th Mar 17, 2:29 PM
    • 3,402 Posts
    • 6,330 Thanks
    ERICS MUM
    You go girl, there will be no stopping you now ! I can't tell you how pleased I am with the progress you've made.

    Xxx
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 17th Mar 17, 7:34 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    2 weeks since it all kicked off.

    There is no going back now. I'm so angry with her. Everything is a lie. She doesn't listen to anyone or anything. It has to be all her way - all or nothing. I don't know why I even bother. I will never please her. She still wants to run my life. Why is it so hard. Why is she like this to me?
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 17th Mar 17, 7:59 PM
    • 7,510 Posts
    • 25,320 Thanks
    Primrose
    SigHI. I think you have to accept that your mother has many many years of controlling behaviour inbred in her which will be impossible for her to change even slightly in the short or medium term. She needs counselling but almost certainly won't consider it. She probably has hidden deep seated issues you may not even be aware of.

    Now that you are out of her clutches she will probably in the short term be even more angry and frustrated, won t know how to deal with it and won't have you around so that she has somebody to take it out on.

    Just keep away from her and concentrate on rebuilding your own life. She will probably never change and may be incapable of change. Don't let your anger, however justifiable, stop you from achieving all the new things you've set your sights on. They are too important and should take priority.
    • ani*fan
    • By ani*fan 18th Mar 17, 3:10 AM
    • 1,480 Posts
    • 3,564 Thanks
    ani*fan
    Hello there

    I cannot possibly just read this thread and run. Your story has had me in tears and I am so relieved for you that you have escaped the situation with your mum and are getting the help you need. You do not sound in any way 'not right' to us on here, on the contrary you sound crystal clear.

    I look forward to hearing more about your amazing progress.

    *subscribed*
    If you know you have enough, you're rich.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 21st Mar 17, 7:39 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    SigHI. I think you have to accept that your mother has many many years of controlling behaviour inbred in her which will be impossible for her to change even slightly in the short or medium term. She needs counselling but almost certainly won't consider it. She probably has hidden deep seated issues you may not even be aware of.

    Now that you are out of her clutches she will probably in the short term be even more angry and frustrated, won t know how to deal with it and won't have you around so that she has somebody to take it out on.

    Just keep away from her and concentrate on rebuilding your own life. She will probably never change and may be incapable of change. Don't let your anger, however justifiable, stop you from achieving all the new things you've set your sights on. They are too important and should take priority.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Thank you - I', feeling really cross and angry about everything but don't want to keep going on about it, especially to my fiend's family when they have been so good to me. I've literally turned their lives into one whole drama with the police and social services coming here. And an ambulance as I did have a fit but the difference was I knew about it even though I didn't know what was happening at the time and now I feel really strange. In all the drama we forgot to get my tablets from home and stopping them all at once was too much. I spent Sunday and Monday in hospital and now I'm starting to think that I'm just causing too much trouble. There was a chance I could try for a job this week - washing dishes in a restaurant but that's not going to happen now.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 21st Mar 17, 7:46 PM
    • 14,795 Posts
    • 36,830 Thanks
    elsien
    You are not causing too much trouble. Your friends want to help, so let them.
    And when the time comes to move on from there, then social services should be involved in supporting you to live more independently. One step at a time, but don't feel guilty about wanting to live your own life instead of the life that your mother wants for you.

    This is a terrible name for a website, but there may be some helpful coping mechanisms you can take away from it.
    http://www.myhorridparent.com/
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 21st Mar 17, 7:59 PM
    • 7,510 Posts
    • 25,320 Thanks
    Primrose
    SigHI. Ok, you had a blip and forgot your medication. Hopefully that issue is now sorted out. Your friends may or may not have realised the full extent of your problems but they know better now and they haven,t asked you to move out. The best thing you can do is try to stop fretting, learn and practice techniques for staying calm and take one day at a time. You're travelling a long road and may even have a few more hiccups as you cope with living a more independent life.

    Just remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. Get yourself stabilised and then check whether that job is still available. And if it isn't t leave them your name and address in case the person who gets the job quits quickly. There will be other opportunities but the best way of finding them is to get yourself into a calmer state of mind. Trust your friends and get yourself into a better state. That's the best way of repaying them for their support.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 22nd Mar 17, 7:37 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    You are not causing too much trouble. Your friends want to help, so let them.
    And when the time comes to move on from there, then social services should be involved in supporting you to live more independently. One step at a time, but don't feel guilty about wanting to live your own life instead of the life that your mother wants for you.

    This is a terrible name for a website, but there may be some helpful coping mechanisms you can take away from it.
    http://www.myhorridparent.com/
    Originally posted by elsien
    I've read and reread your link about 5 times! and other similar articles - it's like reading my life - just the words wiyhout the context were like alarm bells going off in my brain. I used to think I was paranoid about the way she was but it's sinking in that she had NO love for me. This was before the accident too - it's always been like this.

    When I was in hospital at the weekend I was assessed by a phsche-someone - - can't remember the proper name - and she's going to recoomend that I get some specialist help from the brain injury trust. There's traetment for some of the smaller problems I have once I've neen seen by the Neurologists again. It looks like I do have epilepsy - short memory drops and deja vu - but new drugs sound good.

    Sorry tired - read back and saw I wrote leprosy.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 22nd Mar 17, 8:05 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    SigHI. Ok, you had a blip and forgot your medication. Hopefully that issue is now sorted out. Your friends may or may not have realised the full extent of your problems but they know better now and they haven,t asked you to move out. The best thing you can do is try to stop fretting, learn and practice techniques for staying calm and take one day at a time. You're travelling a long road and may even have a few more hiccups as you cope with living a more independent life.

    Just remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. Get yourself stabilised and then check whether that job is still available. And if it isn't t leave them your name and address in case the person who gets the job quits quickly. There will be other opportunities but the best way of finding them is to get yourself into a calmer state of mind. Trust your friends and get yourself into a better state. That's the best way of repaying them for their support.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Thank you Primrose - It likes she pokes me with a stick the whole time then when I get upset she throws it all back on me and then I become the person she tells people that I am - difficuly and hard to manange. Unreasonable and ungrateful is what she tells people. And I'm angry for letting it go on for so long. I know she's waiting for me to fail and hopes my friend's family get sick of me. It's really hard to act normal and pretend I'm happy when I know that people arewatching me so closely at the moment. I know I can stay here for now - theyve had kids with worse problems that me - but I'm not really a child am I. The social workers are really good. I haven't need to speak to them alone. No one has said anything to them apart fronm the truth as it's happening now so it feel s like a fresh start.
    • K9sandFelines
    • By K9sandFelines 28th Mar 17, 12:08 PM
    • 1,795 Posts
    • 15,282 Thanks
    K9sandFelines
    SigHi i dont normally come on this part of the board either, but really touched a nerve when i read about your situation. I can relate to some of the emotional stuff, as my Mum was like this with me growing up and it didn't really stop until i moved out. Unlike you though i am of good health and therefore was able to do that alot sooner. I hope you grown and grow in strength and independance, and once you get a proper taste of freedom, when all the technicalities are sorted, i promise you you will never look back.

    You Mum sounds very manipulative and obviously must convince herself she is telling the truth with some of her stories. Just know, not everyone is like this. Let the family you are with help you, and when you are better you can repay them in kindness somehow. Do something for them like cooking them a meal if you are up to it, any small token of appreciation. Your mother obviously doesn't appreciate you at all, and probably knows that her behviour is very wrong. It won't be until she has to face it head on that she will finally have to admit those demons to herself.

    Finally i hope you can be reunited with your son somehow, and rebuild some sort of bond that has been missing through the most recent part of your life. You obviously will have loads to catch up on.

    Good luck and keep us all updated when you can.
    Last edited by K9sandFelines; 28-03-2017 at 12:10 PM.
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