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    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 2nd Mar 17, 6:55 AM
    • 14Posts
    • 42Thanks
    SigHI
    Help to deal with a controlling Mother.
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 6:55 AM
    Help to deal with a controlling Mother. 2nd Mar 17 at 6:55 AM
    Please help me! For various reasons I have lived at home with my mum for the last 15 years. I have been trying to leave for some time now but she wilfully sabotages every attempt I make.

    I know that she is worried about money if I leave. She claims a lot of benefits for me. Also, she will be alone. She doesn't have many friends as she is really quite nasty. The only people who come to the house are my carers and support workers and she treats them like dirt. My dad died 10 years ago and even though he did everything to please her, she hasn't got a good word to say about him.

    It's really hard for me to stand up to her as she has looked after me for so long, but she throws it back at me all the time and drags up the past. I was in an accident a long time ago which left me left me with a lot of problems but she treats me like I'm an imbecile. She tells people i"m a lot worse than I am and arranges things behind my back.

    I can't deal with her and I don't know what to do.
Page 2
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 6th Mar 17, 6:51 AM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    Surely the OP would know if there is a power of attorney as they would have had to have agreed to sign it, and had it witnessed. Not something mum could do without OPs knowledge and agreement.
    Or are you thinking of a deputyship, which is slightly different?
    Originally posted by elsien
    I was in hospital for a long time after the accident and then in Nuero rehab. My mum and dad did veverything as I couldn't walk or talk for a long time. I can't remember any of this or my dad dying .I know no one ever thought I'd get better.

    My healthworker started talking about independent living a few years ago - it wasn't a overnight thing. I wanted to leave home mostly because my mum won't even let me try to do stuff alone, like go out of the house with other people. She stops talking to me and helping me for days at a time sometimes but likes to say that I don't co operate and or listen or that she's told me something when she hasn't.

    She speaks to everyone for me even the Dr.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 6th Mar 17, 8:42 AM
    • 14,396 Posts
    • 35,547 Thanks
    elsien
    Your mum won't have power of attorney then, because you won't have had capacity to do it at that time. She may have applied for a deputyship over your finances though - you would need to check that which you can do via the Court of Protection.
    You really need to go to Adult Social Care and tell them how you feel. It may be that having gone through what you did, your mum is being massively over-protective. It's rarely clear cut. But if you want to live more independently your starting point would be to start speaking up for yourself a little more.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 6th Mar 17, 8:47 AM
    • 5,352 Posts
    • 24,397 Thanks
    thorsoak
    I was in hospital for a long time after the accident and then in Nuero rehab. My mum and dad did veverything as I couldn't walk or talk for a long time. I can't remember any of this or my dad dying .I know no one ever thought I'd get better.

    My healthworker started talking about independent living a few years ago - it wasn't a overnight thing. I wanted to leave home mostly because my mum won't even let me try to do stuff alone, like go out of the house with other people. She stops talking to me and helping me for days at a time sometimes but likes to say that I don't co operate and or listen or that she's told me something when she hasn't.

    She speaks to everyone for me even the Dr.
    Originally posted by SigHI
    So now is the time to start speaking for yourself - you are writing here, this is the first step! Nothing bad will happen when you speak up for yourself xxx
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 6th Mar 17, 9:00 AM
    • 7,367 Posts
    • 24,971 Thanks
    Primrose
    It does seems that there has been a big gap in your life when you didn't know what was happening, which is understandable, but you have made huge progress since then and it's natural you should want your independence, especially if your mother is totally controlling your life. One day she will no longer be around to look after your affairs. Therefore it's sensible to start asserting yourself now, as you are doing, and taking control. You do need the help and support of adult social care and probably a solicitor to get you through the legal minefields which are facing you, especially if your mother is using aggressive or abusive tactics to thwart your independence and access to the benefits to which you are entitled.


    Stay strong and determined. These processes can sometimes take a while to plough through.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 6th Mar 17, 9:06 AM
    • 5,352 Posts
    • 24,397 Thanks
    thorsoak
    You express yourself well here - if you are actually worried about physically speaking to someone, write it all down - as you have on this thread - and send it as an email to your social worker.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 6th Mar 17, 6:51 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    You express yourself well here - if you are actually worried about physically speaking to someone, write it all down - as you have on this thread - and send it as an email to your social worker.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    Thank you - today has been strange because now other people actually know what is going on they've said I don't have to go home at all. I never thought this time last week I'd be out of there! I can't say much more because the Police are involved now and my friend's Mum and Dad are foster carers so they can't be seen to be giving me advice. I didn't know that my friend and both her brothers are adopted.

    They did take me to the bank though and I found out you can have a voice password which will make life easy - I'm partially paralysed on my left side so I can't write very well with a pen. It takes about an hour to even type as much as this.

    After tea, we're going to make a wsih list and a timeline with all the things I want to in the next couple of years like have my own flat and so a proper computer course.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 6th Mar 17, 6:53 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    Thank you - today has been strange because now other people actually know what is going on they've said I don't have to go home at all. I never thought this time last week I'd be out of there! I can't say much more because the Police are involved now and my friend's Mum and Dad are foster carers so they can't be seen to be giving me advice. I didn't know that my friend and both her brothers are adopted.

    They did take me to the bank though and I found out you can have a voice password which will make life easy - I'm partially paralysed on my left side so I can't write very well with a pen. It takes about an hour to even type as much as this.

    After tea, we're going to make a wsih list and a timeline with all the things I want to in the next couple of years like have my own flat and so a proper computer course.
    Originally posted by SigHI
    I did read a lot of the stuff people on here suggested - thank you again! I will have to go back and read some of it again. It was a lot!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 6th Mar 17, 6:58 PM
    • 7,367 Posts
    • 24,971 Thanks
    Primrose
    Delighted you are making such progress. The people you are with sound wonderfully supportive and probably know their way around the system fairly well so you sound as if you are now in safe hands.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 6th Mar 17, 7:32 PM
    • 16,710 Posts
    • 40,287 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Delighted you are making such progress. The people you are with sound wonderfully supportive and probably know their way around the system fairly well so you sound as if you are now in safe hands.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    I agree. You've come such a long way in just a few days.
    I think you have a good future to look forward to.
    • RuthnJasper
    • By RuthnJasper 8th Mar 17, 3:57 PM
    • 3,588 Posts
    • 8,604 Thanks
    RuthnJasper
    SigHI - you can make it; it takes courage, but you CAN break out of it.


    I wanted to share this thread with you: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4805353&highlight=wiglet


    It's not exactly the same scenario as yours, but Wiggy, the original poster had years of nonsense from her mother and other family members and, against much backlash, has gone on to do well for herself and her little boy. I've always found it quite inspiring to read her story, so I hope that you might too.


    Very best wishes to you, and hopefully many happy times ahead. x
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 8th Mar 17, 8:44 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    SigHI - you can make it; it takes courage, but you CAN break out of it.




    It's not exactly the same scenario as yours, but Wiggy, the original poster had years of nonsense from her mother and other family members and, against much backlash, has gone on to do well for herself and her little boy. I've always found it quite inspiring to read her story, so I hope that you might too.


    Very best wishes to you, and hopefully many happy times ahead. x
    Originally posted by RuthnJasper
    The hardest part in reading that thread is that I have a son. He was 7 when it all happened and after my dad died, he went to live with some of our extended family. Some of the money was left to pay for him to go to Boarding school and he's now either at Uni or doing a year's work experience - I'm not sure. We don't had contact for a long time - lots of reasons but the main one being that my mother never really accepted him - another subject that got met with the silent treatment and reminders of how much I messed my life up.

    I have a lot to sort out. I can only cope with one thing at a time. They are still trying to arrange getting my clothes and stuff.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 8th Mar 17, 9:08 PM
    • 7,367 Posts
    • 24,971 Thanks
    Primrose
    That is very sad about your son, but just remember, the future is still ahead of you and now that you're slowly beginning to turn things around a lot of things might be possible going forward that for many years have seemed a closed book. Take a day at a time and who knows what might be possible. Your mother seems to have a lot to answer for. She may have been doing it for the right reasons in her mind but now you are slowly taking control of your life again, a lot of things may be capable of being handled very differently with you being able to make the decisions, not her.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 8th Mar 17, 9:39 PM
    • 1,221 Posts
    • 2,526 Thanks
    Loz01
    If you feel down then think of how much you've achieved since you started this thread only a few weeks ago!! Your life is taking a completely different turn and soon enough you can hopefully be living in your own place and taking up hobbies/interests/courses etc that you want to do!
    When you think about quitting, remember why you started.
    • RuthnJasper
    • By RuthnJasper 10th Mar 17, 2:19 PM
    • 3,588 Posts
    • 8,604 Thanks
    RuthnJasper
    The hardest part in reading that thread is that I have a son. He was 7 when it all happened and after my dad died, he went to live with some of our extended family. Some of the money was left to pay for him to go to Boarding school and he's now either at Uni or doing a year's work experience - I'm not sure. We don't had contact for a long time - lots of reasons but the main one being that my mother never really accepted him - another subject that got met with the silent treatment and reminders of how much I messed my life up.

    I have a lot to sort out. I can only cope with one thing at a time. They are still trying to arrange getting my clothes and stuff.
    Originally posted by SigHI
    You have found the courage to make the first step towards being free and that is immensely brave of you.


    It will take time, and seem almost impossible sometimes. But you are clearly smart, articulate and I believe you will make it through this. You're getting help from the right sources and clearly have some good friends who care about you very much.


    You could always begin a letter to your son, maybe write a little bit at a time and then put it away for a while and do a bit more when you feel ready. Then, when you feel that it's finished, send it to him. That's just an idea.


    I'm sure you love him and that you will be able to grow in strength until you're ready to try and mend what is broken in you and your son's relationship.


    There can be an odd bunch on some of the threads in this forum but, having said that, there are a great many people - a lot of whom have posted advice and support to you in this thread - who really, genuinely, wish you well and are rooting for you. You can always come on here to have a rant (within the site guidelines, hehe) and people will understand and try to encourage you.


    When it seems like too much, try to tell yourself "I'll just give it ONE more day." however hard it seems. There's only one of you in the world and you're too good to lose.


    Rooting for you.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 11th Mar 17, 6:43 AM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    Good Morning.

    There can be an odd bunch on some of the threads in this forum but, having said that, there are a great many people - a lot of whom have posted advice and support to you in this thread - who really, genuinely, wish you well and are rooting for you. You can always come on here to have a rant (within the site guidelines, hehe) and people will understand and try to encourage you.




    I smiled at this post because the support worked who directed me to MSE website actually caught me googling another forum to ask for advice. It's the one for Mums - she said it was full of people much like my mother and showed me this one instead. Just having a week of unmonitored internet use has opened my eyes.

    I'm doing okay. I've been reading other people's stories on here and all the legal and benefit advice. I'm trying not to imagine the conversations I want to have with my mum but I do have a lot of questions that need answering. Now isn't the time though. Some other people are going to try to persuade her to cooperate but I don't want to see her for now. It's hard to explain how many little things she does in a day to make me feel small or how many rows get started just because I won't do as I'm told.

    Last night, I was here alone and I didn't shut the front door properly and I fell asleep with it open. If I'd been at home I wouldn't have heard the end of it. She'd have gone on for weeks that I can't look after myself, can't be trusted etc but all I got here was 'Okay, this can't happen again. Let's show you again how the catch works." And this morning there is a little note on the door saying 'Remeber to put the catch down.'
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Mar 17, 8:28 AM
    • 7,367 Posts
    • 24,971 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think being exposed to a whole new way of managing behaviours and issues has been truly eye opening for you and will help you understand how your mother's behaviour has so undermined your confidence. Yes, we all do silly little things all the time but when you look at them in context they become minor issues, and hopefully over time you will learn new habits, like learning to check door security every night, or when you go out, as a matter of course.


    Your mother of course needs to learn new behaviours too, but as you say, that is HER issue if she ever has the courage to face up to them, but I think keeping well away from her, at least physically until you've got your confidence back and are well and truly engaged in your new life, is sensible. I think once you feel more empowered you will find a different way of dealing with her. Your mother sounds as if she needs some behavioural counselling of her own. Possibly once you're independent, she may finally understand that she needs this if she is to have any kind of relationship with you going forward, but as you say, all this is for the future.


    Just continue building on all the good things that are happening to you. Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm sure the next part of your life will be greatly enhanced and very different from what has happened in the past. And I'm betting you won't forget to check the door catch tonight either ! You will be perfectly capable of looking after yourself. Your mum has just de-skilled you over the years by taking away your self confidence and not given you the change to learn from your own mistakes as we all have to do.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 11th Mar 17, 12:57 PM
    • 14,396 Posts
    • 35,547 Thanks
    elsien


    Last night, I was here alone and I didn't shut the front door properly and I fell asleep with it open. If I'd been at home I wouldn't have heard the end of it. She'd have gone on for weeks that I can't look after myself, can't be trusted etc but all I got here was 'Okay, this can't happen again. Let's show you again how the catch works." And this morning there is a little note on the door saying 'Remeber to put the catch down.'
    Originally posted by SigHI
    I did the same the other week except it was both the front and back door, and I don't have health problems that affect my memory. Happens to the best of us.
    Glad to see that things are starting to go better for you and you're getting some proper support.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • SigHI
    • By SigHI 11th Mar 17, 1:07 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 42 Thanks
    SigHI
    I've spent the morning having my hair cut and coloured! I can't stop playing with it or looking in the mirror!!! I have a side parting and a fringe that falls over my droopy eye. I feel 20 again. Everyone keeps saying how amazing I look. I've looked at other people with disabilities before and wondered how they managed to have such strong identities while still needing help.

    I', not mad, I'm not mental and I'm not weak. 've just got to keep telling myself that.

    And now I need a sleep!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Mar 17, 1:33 PM
    • 7,367 Posts
    • 24,971 Thanks
    Primrose
    Good move for your morale and self esteem. I'm beginning to sense you 're finally discovering what it feels like to be let out of your cage. When your mother finally catches up with you again she won't recognise you or the new woman you have become!
    • gizwal
    • By gizwal 12th Mar 17, 12:34 PM
    • 1,434 Posts
    • 2,200 Thanks
    gizwal
    I've spent the morning having my hair cut and coloured! I can't stop playing with it or looking in the mirror!!! I have a side parting and a fringe that falls over my droopy eye. I feel 20 again. Everyone keeps saying how amazing I look. I've looked at other people with disabilities before and wondered how they managed to have such strong identities while still needing help.

    I', not mad, I'm not mental and I'm not weak. 've just got to keep telling myself that.

    And now I need a sleep!
    Originally posted by SigHI
    I never normally go on these type of threads but this really made me smile! Such a small thing as getting your hair can make you feel a million dollars.
    Good luck in your new life xx
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