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  • FIRST POST
    • Lostformoney
    • By Lostformoney 25th Feb 17, 2:00 AM
    • 13Posts
    • 2Thanks
    Lostformoney
    Can't afford to stay in a relationship
    • #1
    • 25th Feb 17, 2:00 AM
    Can't afford to stay in a relationship 25th Feb 17 at 2:00 AM
    This is a long post so please bare with me. I'd also like to point out I suffer anxiety and depression, please be kind as I am under immense pressure.

    Basically....I cannot afford to stay in a relationship with my partner due to benefit cuts and I need help.

    I used to get higher care and mobility DLA. This paid for my home help to keep me living at home and helped me get around, I also had a Motability car. During assesment for PIP I was awarded standard for mobility and care. I lost my Motability car, because of that I was left unable to get my kids to school, unable to get to doctors or hospital appointments. I also lost my homehelp, the situation became terrible as with my partner away often with work - I had no support and social work are over run and unable to see me anytime soon.

    I spoke to a benefits advisor and they realised the mobility side of PIP was wrong and appealed to get this fixed. By the time this happened I'd used the transitional package to pay for my home help and taxis, the rest I put towards finance deposit for a car that could fit my family, but I can't drive as it doesn't have my adaptations - I therefore couldn't get a mobility car. The care assesment is correct, but under the PIP system, I don't get enough points to cover the costs of my care needs.

    Because care has went down I have been told I am no longer eligible for certain tax credits benefits and to top it off, tax credits have been overpaid as a result.

    To this end, what is coming in from OHs wage and my benefits isn't even covering the basics. We live in a wheelchair accessible home and the rent is just over half my partners wage, council tax has been reduced due to disability but it's due to go up for everyone, the cost of where we live is high but due to OH work we have no option, we are tied into phone/broadband contracts from when we were financially stable and can't reduce or get out of them. We get tax credits, but due to my PIP care being reduced, unbeknown to me I stopped being eligible for a disabled element and I've been told we have been overpaid and the amounts will stop until next year then be significantly reduced.

    We have just worked out that because of all of this, we are in the negative of over £600 a month now and that's without my homehelp. We will have absolutely nothing left over for savings or car repairs.

    CAB looked at our income and explained we are not entitled to anymore help and tax credits have said no to Paying back over payments in smaller amounts. The bottom line is, we can't afford to be in a relationship together.

    We have just worked out our only current options are to split up (because our system says I'll get all sorts of benefits!), go homeless or wait for the debt collectors when we don't pay anything.

    Can anyone come up with some ideas?

    We can't switch providers due to the special meter & boiler we have
    We can't move as there are no suitable properties for cheaper
    We are paying the minimum to our debts that we can
    We can't get out our phone and broadband contracts
    I am very good with food budget, I normally cook most things from scratch when I can (though this is less now I don't have home help)
    We do not socialise or do anything now we could cut back on :-(
    We have tried selling things to make up the gap but we have ran out
    As our daughter is two weeks old, I can't go to work but even if I could, I need my home help to help me get kids to nursery to go

    Any suggestions would be gratefully welcomed and again, please be kind and consider the mental health issues I suffer from
Page 5
    • w06
    • By w06 18th Mar 17, 10:15 AM
    • 209 Posts
    • 295 Thanks
    w06
    second what Tommo says

    making youself voluntarily homeless does not result in the council falling over themselves to throw money and a home at you
    Last edited by w06; 18-03-2017 at 10:29 AM. Reason: clarity
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 18th Mar 17, 10:17 AM
    • 1,054 Posts
    • 3,405 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    I simply cannot read through all the comments since they are filled with such horrible judgements and assumptions that frankly are wrong.

    We couldn't afford to stay together, it wasn't a choice I was making but a cause for why we split up. I love him more than he will ever understand but he just didn't have any way of supporting us and the kids were faced with homelessness if I didn't do something. We were left with £5.50 per month before food if we paying everything we had to.

    We have moved out and we have been rehoused in a temp council house, we are waiting on a section of new builds to finish completion in August where a wheelchair accessible property is available. My ex has moved in with his Aunt near his work, however he's waiting news back of a flat so the kids can stay.

    And he's not in the armed forces either for the person who said that I've not posted before.

    Can I remind you again, I suffer anxiety and depression and so far have been very upset by what I've read - please be kind.

    My overpayment of tax credits payment has came down so I have more to manage with now and the house will be a much lower rental than private so it's all looking really good for us at the moment. Finally feeling like head is absolutely be water.

    Thank you everyone that's gave genuine, non judgemental and thoughtful advice.

    Also the kids are doing great, we live near my family now so much more support and they start their new school on Monday
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    No. I am not going to pat you on the head and say there, there. What you have done is morally reprehensible - you've put money ahead of the 'man you love', you've deprived your children of a close relationship with their father and you're both looking to secure council housing.

    A truly loving relationship means that you work together through the tough times. In my 25 year relationship, we've endured unemployment, leading to debt and bankruptcy. We had to deal with mental health problems leading to more unemployment, rent arrears which lead us nearly losing our home and benefits overpayments. We stuck together and worked through it. We raised our children as a unit; we might not have been able to give them big, expensive toys at Christmas, but they were fed, clothed, had a roof over their heads and most importantly were loved and raised by both of us.

    Your children might still see their father, but do not think for a moment that they'll have the same relationship they'd have had living with him. You have always been very reluctant to tell us what your income and outgoings are, so we've been unable to advise. Knowing the benefit system as I do I have no doubt at all with some honest and open dialogue, with the help of MSE and other debt professionals you could have kept your family together. You CHOSE not to put the work in and took the easy way out. You don't love that man - if you did you wouldn't have dumped him on his @rse with all the debt. I also feel desperately sorry for your children. This wasn't a decision made with their needs in mind.

    So, no. I do not condone your actions.
    • latest flame
    • By latest flame 18th Mar 17, 10:21 AM
    • 856 Posts
    • 1,643 Thanks
    latest flame
    With the greatest of respect, it is not the systems fault you are in this situation. In fact its a good job that their is a system to help you out. I really want to say more but sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
    Originally posted by MHOWARD
    lol
    Buying a house and bringing up a family on £2k a month was easy twenty-five years ago (yes I know) but even then four kids would have been tough. Tougher still with debt.

    Only two, or possibly one responsible for this mess.
    • bspm
    • By bspm 18th Mar 17, 10:43 AM
    • 363 Posts
    • 553 Thanks
    bspm
    Simply put, it is not the amount of money you have coming in to the household but how you spend and manage that money.

    If you overspend then you will more than likely get in debt and should not be helped out with benefits.
    • Lanzarote1938
    • By Lanzarote1938 18th Mar 17, 12:20 PM
    • 420 Posts
    • 1,049 Thanks
    Lanzarote1938
    When the OP gets her permanent council house I expect the partner will move in with her. I think this is just a temporary split until they have wrung the most they can out of the benefit system.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 18th Mar 17, 12:34 PM
    • 15,497 Posts
    • 38,852 Thanks
    FBaby
    When the OP gets her permanent council house I expect the partner will move in with her. I think this is just a temporary split until they have wrung the most they can out of the benefit system.
    Originally posted by Lanzarote1938
    This is exactly what I'd started typing! Indeed, I believe this is exactly what has been planned. OP will say how she loved her husband too much, that he couldn't cope staying away from the family, and not long after they have their perfect council home, he will be planning to move back in, bringing back the car that OP is using her PIP to finance for his benefit since she can't use it and still has to pay for taxi so their kids go to school...
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 18th Mar 17, 1:03 PM
    • 1,054 Posts
    • 3,405 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    I agree with you both, sadly. Let's hope her dream of a permanent council home remains just that, a dream.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 18th Mar 17, 1:08 PM
    • 670 Posts
    • 1,393 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    It wasn't just that we would be better off, I wasn't entitled to a lot of help until I was a single parent, housing as an example had no interest before - the rent we paid for a suitable home being the biggest cost of all, but also school taxis and dinners etc all of which I get help with now. Hospital transport and even uniform grants.

    I find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all. And I won't be getting into another relationship until I'm working either
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    I am at a loss to know why it is the benefits system that is at fault here and not the fact that your husband cannot support his family (adequately, or at least to the level of the lifestyle you deem suitable) and the choices you made as a family.

    The benefits system is a safety net not a lifestyle choice. The benefits you receive for your disability (with an able bodied spouse) should be an add on to the family finances not the framework that props it up.

    I really do think that sometimes as adults we have to step back and look at how we contributed to a situation we find ourselves in, and how, with different choices another outcome may have been likely. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.....
    • Ames
    • By Ames 18th Mar 17, 4:20 PM
    • 16,154 Posts
    • 28,109 Thanks
    Ames
    OP whatever you do don't post where you live. The country would tip up because of everyone in the country rushing to where council housing is so plentiful.

    I'm just annoyed that I fell for this thread in the first place and tried to offer help.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.

    Reading the alphabet in 2017. 21/100
    ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    • Cakeguts
    • By Cakeguts 18th Mar 17, 5:30 PM
    • 2,422 Posts
    • 3,031 Thanks
    Cakeguts
    There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.
    • skcollobcat10
    • By skcollobcat10 18th Mar 17, 5:47 PM
    • 339 Posts
    • 2,025 Thanks
    skcollobcat10
    There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.
    Originally posted by Cakeguts

    That could have been a genuine mistake when describing climbing into bath.

    I still say shall we take the dogs for a walk and I have been a permanent wheelchair user (cannot walk at all) for 13 years.
    Last edited by skcollobcat10; 18-03-2017 at 6:29 PM.
    • bspm
    • By bspm 18th Mar 17, 5:55 PM
    • 363 Posts
    • 553 Thanks
    bspm
    There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.
    Originally posted by Cakeguts
    I use a wheelchair and could, for awhile, still manage a bath with help. I can't use one now and have had a wet room installed.
    • Penitent
    • By Penitent 18th Mar 17, 6:00 PM
    • 1,068 Posts
    • 2,883 Thanks
    Penitent
    I don't understand how you were put into Council housing so quickly. It's been less than a month since your first post, it sounded like you were up to date with your rent, yet you've now been evicted by your landlord?
    • Ames
    • By Ames 18th Mar 17, 6:06 PM
    • 16,154 Posts
    • 28,109 Thanks
    Ames
    I don't understand how you were put into Council housing so quickly. It's been less than a month since your first post, it sounded like you were up to date with your rent, yet you've now been evicted by your landlord?
    Originally posted by Penitent
    And going straight to the top of the list for a brand new build adapted house.

    Yeah, right.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.

    Reading the alphabet in 2017. 21/100
    ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    • skcollobcat10
    • By skcollobcat10 18th Mar 17, 6:37 PM
    • 339 Posts
    • 2,025 Thanks
    skcollobcat10
    Some Council areas don't put disabled on main housing list and have a separate list with different points system for disabled people especially wheelchair dependant.
    • w06
    • By w06 18th Mar 17, 6:39 PM
    • 209 Posts
    • 295 Thanks
    w06
    There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.
    Originally posted by Cakeguts
    I think the disability related inconsistencies are the least of the issue tbh, lots of us say things that we don't actually mean literally. For example I say things like 'soudns like' 'I heard ...' etc, I've not heard a thing for a decade, what I literally mean is I lip read, and likewise I use a wheelchair and can, with help, get in the bath)

    The improbabilities of how the system has responded to somebody voluntarily making themselves and their children homeless when they had a safe and secure home with a partner they love on the other hand ...
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 18th Mar 17, 6:48 PM
    • 5,396 Posts
    • 24,614 Thanks
    thorsoak
    OP - if your house has been specially adapted in order to cope with your needs - why would you contemplate moving? You're not going to find another specially adapted for you easily.

    Have you looked here :- https://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/help-council-tax This might cut your liabilities a little.
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 18th Mar 17, 8:30 PM
    • 7,154 Posts
    • 15,417 Thanks
    kingfisherblue
    There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.
    Originally posted by Cakeguts
    My son uses a wheelchair (although he doesn't need it inside the house), and he can get into the bath with help. He can walk a short distance, but tires easily and has a great deal of pain. Getting into and out of the bath, he needs help due to his lack of balance.

    However, I agree that there are major inconsistancies in this thread.
    • just trying
    • By just trying 18th Mar 17, 11:39 PM
    • 738 Posts
    • 2,693 Thanks
    just trying
    I simply cannot read through all the comments since they are filled with such horrible judgements and assumptions that frankly are wrong.

    We couldn't afford to stay together, it wasn't a choice I was making but a cause for why we split up. I love him more than he will ever understand but he just didn't have any way of supporting us and the kids were faced with homelessness if I didn't do something. We were left with £5.50 per month before food if we paying everything we had to.

    We have moved out and we have been rehoused in a temp council house, we are waiting on a section of new builds to finish completion in August where a wheelchair accessible property is available. My ex has moved in with his Aunt near his work, however he's waiting news back of a flat so the kids can stay.

    And he's not in the armed forces either for the person who said that I've not posted before.

    Can I remind you again, I suffer anxiety and depression and so far have been very upset by what I've read - please be kind.

    My overpayment of tax credits payment has came down so I have more to manage with now and the house will be a much lower rental than private so it's all looking really good for us at the moment. Finally feeling like head is absolutely be water.

    Thank you everyone that's gave genuine, non judgemental and thoughtful advice.

    Also the kids are doing great, we live near my family now so much more support and they start their new school on Monday
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    Not read all comments but I will. You love him so much, you're now living in temporary accommodation. To get more benefits.

    You claim a lot of benefits and couldn't make your budget work, will you still be seeing him. New house, well done..not

    You know there's loads of people who work, who have the same struggles. We for the new property is that the posh "we".

    When you love someone and want to be with them, you'll do anything. You've had a baby with him and seperated due to money, my, my. Some would say your selfish....me yes.
    SEALED POT CHALLENGE MEMBER 098
    WILL SAVE ATLEAST £500!.
    • skcollobcat10
    • By skcollobcat10 18th Mar 17, 11:48 PM
    • 339 Posts
    • 2,025 Thanks
    skcollobcat10
    Not read all comments but I will. You love him so much, you're now living in temporary accommodation. To get more benefits.

    You claim a lot of benefits and couldn't make your budget work, will you still be seeing him. New house, well done..not

    You know there's loads of people who work, who have the same struggles. We for the new property is that the posh "we".

    When you love someone and want to be with them, you'll do anything. You've had a baby with him and seperated due to money, my, my. Some would say your selfish....me yes.
    Originally posted by just trying

    Hello

    I do not understand your questions to the OP are you from another country and possibly your writing in English is poor? What are you meaning?
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