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  • FIRST POST
    • Lostformoney
    • By Lostformoney 25th Feb 17, 2:00 AM
    • 13Posts
    • 2Thanks
    Lostformoney
    Can't afford to stay in a relationship
    • #1
    • 25th Feb 17, 2:00 AM
    Can't afford to stay in a relationship 25th Feb 17 at 2:00 AM
    This is a long post so please bare with me. I'd also like to point out I suffer anxiety and depression, please be kind as I am under immense pressure.

    Basically....I cannot afford to stay in a relationship with my partner due to benefit cuts and I need help.

    I used to get higher care and mobility DLA. This paid for my home help to keep me living at home and helped me get around, I also had a Motability car. During assesment for PIP I was awarded standard for mobility and care. I lost my Motability car, because of that I was left unable to get my kids to school, unable to get to doctors or hospital appointments. I also lost my homehelp, the situation became terrible as with my partner away often with work - I had no support and social work are over run and unable to see me anytime soon.

    I spoke to a benefits advisor and they realised the mobility side of PIP was wrong and appealed to get this fixed. By the time this happened I'd used the transitional package to pay for my home help and taxis, the rest I put towards finance deposit for a car that could fit my family, but I can't drive as it doesn't have my adaptations - I therefore couldn't get a mobility car. The care assesment is correct, but under the PIP system, I don't get enough points to cover the costs of my care needs.

    Because care has went down I have been told I am no longer eligible for certain tax credits benefits and to top it off, tax credits have been overpaid as a result.

    To this end, what is coming in from OHs wage and my benefits isn't even covering the basics. We live in a wheelchair accessible home and the rent is just over half my partners wage, council tax has been reduced due to disability but it's due to go up for everyone, the cost of where we live is high but due to OH work we have no option, we are tied into phone/broadband contracts from when we were financially stable and can't reduce or get out of them. We get tax credits, but due to my PIP care being reduced, unbeknown to me I stopped being eligible for a disabled element and I've been told we have been overpaid and the amounts will stop until next year then be significantly reduced.

    We have just worked out that because of all of this, we are in the negative of over £600 a month now and that's without my homehelp. We will have absolutely nothing left over for savings or car repairs.

    CAB looked at our income and explained we are not entitled to anymore help and tax credits have said no to Paying back over payments in smaller amounts. The bottom line is, we can't afford to be in a relationship together.

    We have just worked out our only current options are to split up (because our system says I'll get all sorts of benefits!), go homeless or wait for the debt collectors when we don't pay anything.

    Can anyone come up with some ideas?

    We can't switch providers due to the special meter & boiler we have
    We can't move as there are no suitable properties for cheaper
    We are paying the minimum to our debts that we can
    We can't get out our phone and broadband contracts
    I am very good with food budget, I normally cook most things from scratch when I can (though this is less now I don't have home help)
    We do not socialise or do anything now we could cut back on :-(
    We have tried selling things to make up the gap but we have ran out
    As our daughter is two weeks old, I can't go to work but even if I could, I need my home help to help me get kids to nursery to go

    Any suggestions would be gratefully welcomed and again, please be kind and consider the mental health issues I suffer from
Page 4
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 26th Feb 17, 11:02 PM
    • 1,426 Posts
    • 3,107 Thanks
    Loz01
    I thought this forum was to help.... Not judge.
    Originally posted by Perryface
    It IS but why should people support someone who is gong to pretend to end their relationship just to get more benefits? The OP should post a SOA and take some of the advice people have given rather than say her and her husband will "end their relationship" to get full income support etc. Sorry but I think thats wrong, whatever way you look at it. If they truly ARE splitting up because they don't want to be married then fine, do it, but don't do it as a means to get extra cash.
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • The Old Bag
    • By The Old Bag 27th Feb 17, 5:11 AM
    • 4,546 Posts
    • 22,191 Thanks
    The Old Bag
    The Old Bag, why are you even asking the question, it has no relevance to the OP's post. She has 4 children.... End of.

    Are you proposing people who are disabled or claiming tax credits or both cannot procreate?

    You assume the OP chose to have another child even though she was struggling financially.... From what I read in the original post, there was a mistake made when dla was reassessed and PIP was introduced regarding the level of mobility element the OP was entitled to, this caused the initial financial hardship, then to compound the problem, an overpayment made by tax credits was found and this now has to be paid back (at the amount set and is presumably non-negotiable). This is what has caused the financial difficulties imo.
    Originally posted by Perryface
    Firstly, I said
    Why did OP have another child when they were already struggling both financially, AND to manage with OPs disability ?
    Her problem are also practical....which is adding to the financial problems.
    For example, now her children get to school and herself to Drs and hospital, using a taxi. Which costs money. Before she was dependent completely on benefits.
    She has now put a deposit on a vehicle - without any adaptions for her, so SHE will not be able to drive it.
    Does her partner already have a car ? if so, why put money on another?
    If it is not going to be practical long term for them both to use, I would suggest they revisit their decision.

    The opening sentence of Op was
    I cannot afford to stay in a relationship with my partner due to benefit cuts .....what is coming in from OHs wage and my benefits isn't even covering the basics.
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    OP is being judgemental - blaming the benefits system for her decision to split up her family.
    Following HER logic, would it not have been a lot less dramatic and traumatic to all members of the family if they had said
    We cannot afford a 4th baby
    She is astute enough to calculate they would be better off financially if they separate.....without considering the life-long effect on their children.
    Why was she not astute enough to not have a 4th child?

    If OP had posted saying, we are in this terrible situation due to benefit cuts, but we were wanting to have another baby - would the helpful advise from here have been - yes, go for it?

    At no point does the OP suggest she had money worries prior to the under-entitlement by PIP .....
    For all we know, the OP was doing quite fine balancing the books until the mess made by PIP.
    Originally posted by Perryface
    Wrong!
    he earns 2100 per month, after rent, council tax, electricity debt (as we can't pay in full), wheelchair loan, fuel for car and a nominal payment to all our debtors, he has £5.50 left. We then relied on my income from tax credits & child benefit to cover food, clothes and school taxi/lunches fees. My PIP pays car finance & insurance. I am normally left with nothing in my account each week, so losing tax credits means we have no food money unless we don't pay something.
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    This was before the latest benefits cut, so they seem to have been living hand to mouth anyway - he had £5.50 left each month, and she - nothing.
    So would you say this was doing quite fine?

    And as for implying I am passing any comment on disabled people having children - get over yourself. Has anyone said she should not have a child? - NO. She already had 3.
    What I question is, at this point of time - when Benefits and the disabled have been attacked year after year .... and they are already living close to the bone financially...... why have another baby ?

    I would have thought the same thing whether OP had a disability or not.
    OP says she needs home help - for getting the children off to school and batch cooking etc..and is struggling with the oven, and lifting and bending. Surely she will have even more of all that with another child? If all her other children are at nursery or school - she would have perhaps be able to go to work/or work from home when they were gone - even if it was stuffing envelopes or using her phone or computer.

    As others have posted, OP has got a similar income (salary and benefit/tax credits) as thousands of others who have to manage. But, due to her disability has more outgoings - such as the wheelchair, home help etc

    There has been numerous excellent suggestions made.
    I would add another - to pursue Social Services, which she dismisses from the start because
    social work are over run and unable to see me anytime soon.
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    and
    social work have been contacted but they are overrun and I've been advised it will be months before I see anyone,
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    I have also mentioned this money being used as a deposit on a vehicle SHE will be unable to use.....

    She could also contact the Nursery, and ask if they know of any parent who lives near her - who may be willing to collect and drop off her children, for less then she pays a taxi.

    But even if OP has her benefits re-calculated and substantially increased, I would advise her with 100% sincerity to start thinking long term about the best for her family - because at the next assessment, they may be cut again, if they tweak the rules.

    p.s Pittance that is CA is a bummer - in effect less than £2 an hour - so OP would be struggling even to get a school leaver to help her with children, and be a home help AND take kids to school, for say £110 wage, and £62 CA for at least 35 hours week - about £5 an hour.
    • bspm
    • By bspm 27th Feb 17, 8:10 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 635 Thanks
    bspm
    ^^^^^^^

    Very well said.
    • dippy3103
    • By dippy3103 27th Feb 17, 8:37 AM
    • 1,711 Posts
    • 2,573 Thanks
    dippy3103
    Don't forget that if you claim IS then the CSA will become involved and he will have to maintain your kids. Then he will have to pay rent & council tax elsewhere.
    So maybe not as viable as you first thought?
    • Perryface
    • By Perryface 27th Feb 17, 9:52 AM
    • 87 Posts
    • 208 Thanks
    Perryface
    The Old Bag

    There is so much I could say in response to your post, however, I am not inclined to flog any dead horses today.

    If the op is no longer responding to this thread.... Bickering amongst ourselves without full knowledge of OP's position is moot along with the question you pose re: whether her 4th child should or should not have been born.
    Barclaycard 326/2532
    Wedding payment 0/4600 due 01/10/18
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 27th Feb 17, 10:22 AM
    • 716 Posts
    • 1,447 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    I infer from the OP that her husband is in the armed forces, surely they have support mechanisms in place for their families? Also, maybe they could get base accomodation which would mean there was a supportive network around them and likelihood of school transport.

    Like another poster I remember a very similar post to this one a few months ago.

    With regard to Old Bag's comments, I agree, most people make decisions regarding the number of children they have on all circumstances, the OP sounds as if she had a lot on her plate physically, financially and she also has other very young children. To have a fourth child was probably not the best decision.

    Clearly, the Op is not in a good place but splitting up doesn't seem the way forward. What if her OH met someone else? The ramifications of that could be worse than current financial issues.
    • Darksparkle
    • By Darksparkle 27th Feb 17, 10:42 AM
    • 4,537 Posts
    • 2,851 Thanks
    Darksparkle
    Whether or not the OP should or shouldn't have had another child isn't relevant here. This forum is for advice on benefit entitlement, not for judging their lifestyle choices. Not all children are planned either.
    • NYM
    • By NYM 27th Feb 17, 10:50 AM
    • 3,352 Posts
    • 5,863 Thanks
    NYM
    Regarding the title of the thread, it might have been better posted on the Marriage, Relationship & Families board.

    Regarding the content of the first post, it might have been better if it had been posted on the Debt Free Wannabe board.
    • bspm
    • By bspm 27th Feb 17, 11:11 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 635 Thanks
    bspm
    The Old Bag

    There is so much I could say in response to your post, however, I am not inclined to flog any dead horses today.

    If the op is no longer responding to this thread.... Bickering amongst ourselves without full knowledge of OP's position is moot
    along with the question you pose re: whether her 4th child should or should not have been born.
    Originally posted by Perryface

    Seem to remember that's what happened last time, maybe that is why it got peoples backs up who remembered her trolling posts before.

    Never got the full knowledge of OP's position last time either.
    • rockingbilly
    • By rockingbilly 27th Feb 17, 11:21 AM
    • 838 Posts
    • 247 Thanks
    rockingbilly
    Deciding to split up for financial reasons is quite common, especially amongst the mega rich. I've just had a quick look at the welfare benefits that would be paid if this were to happen to a couple post 65.
    Currently the government say that a couple need £237.55 a week to live on and a single person needs £155.60. This excludes any housing costs.
    So legally spit and between them the government say that they need in total £311.20 to live on.
    I know it's not a lot of difference but for those that rely on benefits for their income, between them they would be £73.65 a week better off by splitting up.
    • p00hsticks
    • By p00hsticks 27th Feb 17, 11:38 AM
    • 5,590 Posts
    • 5,134 Thanks
    p00hsticks
    Deciding to split up for financial reasons is quite common, especially amongst the mega rich. I've just had a quick look at the welfare benefits that would be paid if this were to happen to a couple post 65.
    Currently the government say that a couple need £237.55 a week to live on and a single person needs £155.60. This excludes any housing costs.
    So legally spit and between them the government say that they need in total £311.20 to live on.
    I know it's not a lot of difference but for those that rely on benefits for their income, between them they would be £73.65 a week better off by splitting up.
    Originally posted by rockingbilly
    But in real life you can't just arbitrarily 'exclude any housing costs'. People need to live somewhere, and housing benefit and council tax reductions rarely cover the full cost these days. Not to mention other costs such as insurance etc. That theoretical £73.65 saving and more could quite quickly be swallowed up by the additional costs involved in having two households rather than one. (and that's why the benefits system pays less for a couple in a single household than two people living separately)
    Last edited by p00hsticks; 27-02-2017 at 11:40 AM.
    • rockingbilly
    • By rockingbilly 27th Feb 17, 12:04 PM
    • 838 Posts
    • 247 Thanks
    rockingbilly
    But in real life you can't just arbitrarily 'exclude any housing costs'. People need to live somewhere, and housing benefit and council tax reductions rarely cover the full cost these days. Not to mention other costs such as insurance etc. That theoretical £73.65 saving and more could quite quickly be swallowed up by the additional costs involved in having two households rather than one. (and that's why the benefits system pays less for a couple in a single household than two people living separately)
    Originally posted by p00hsticks
    Not entirely correct for everyone.

    We could splt - I would live with one of our daughters (not 200metres away) and my estranged wife would remain in our home. Apart from maybe some extra costs for food which would be minimal to nothing (she would not take any money off me as I would be there to do the childcare bit) we would be quids in.
    • Lostformoney
    • By Lostformoney 18th Mar 17, 12:43 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Lostformoney
    I simply cannot read through all the comments since they are filled with such horrible judgements and assumptions that frankly are wrong.

    We couldn't afford to stay together, it wasn't a choice I was making but a cause for why we split up. I love him more than he will ever understand but he just didn't have any way of supporting us and the kids were faced with homelessness if I didn't do something. We were left with £5.50 per month before food if we paying everything we had to.

    We have moved out and we have been rehoused in a temp council house, we are waiting on a section of new builds to finish completion in August where a wheelchair accessible property is available. My ex has moved in with his Aunt near his work, however he's waiting news back of a flat so the kids can stay.

    And he's not in the armed forces either for the person who said that I've not posted before.

    Can I remind you again, I suffer anxiety and depression and so far have been very upset by what I've read - please be kind.

    My overpayment of tax credits payment has came down so I have more to manage with now and the house will be a much lower rental than private so it's all looking really good for us at the moment. Finally feeling like head is absolutely be water.

    Thank you everyone that's gave genuine, non judgemental and thoughtful advice.

    Also the kids are doing great, we live near my family now so much more support and they start their new school on Monday
    • Lostformoney
    • By Lostformoney 18th Mar 17, 12:49 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Lostformoney
    It wasn't just that we would be better off, I wasn't entitled to a lot of help until I was a single parent, housing as an example had no interest before - the rent we paid for a suitable home being the biggest cost of all, but also school taxis and dinners etc all of which I get help with now. Hospital transport and even uniform grants.

    I find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all. And I won't be getting into another relationship until I'm working either
    • Lostformoney
    • By Lostformoney 18th Mar 17, 12:50 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Lostformoney
    Neither of us are armed forces but thanks for trying to help, we have split now
    • MHOWARD
    • By MHOWARD 18th Mar 17, 3:33 AM
    • 57 Posts
    • 69 Thanks
    MHOWARD
    but als find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all
    Originally posted by Lostformoney
    With the greatest of respect, it is not the systems fault you are in this situation. In fact its a good job that there is a system to help you out. I really want to say more but sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
    Last edited by MHOWARD; 18-03-2017 at 12:35 PM.
    • bspm
    • By bspm 18th Mar 17, 7:15 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 635 Thanks
    bspm
    It wasn't just that we would be better off, I wasn't entitled to a lot of help until I was a single parent, housing as an example had no interest before - the rent we paid for a suitable home being the biggest cost of all, but also school taxis and dinners etc all of which I get help with now. Hospital transport and even uniform grants.

    I find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all. And I won't be getting into another relationship until I'm working either
    Originally posted by Lostformoney




    I was reading your comments and I was pleased you seemed to have sorted yourself and your children out even if it was with the help of Benefits.

    However when I read the above comment in bold that changed my mind.

    It is no ones fault other than your own that you found yourself in the predicament you were in. You cannot blame benefits for that.

    Also you type you won't be getting in to another relationship until you are in work, surely if you love your ex partner as much as you claim to do you won't be looking for another relationship other than with him I take it.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 18th Mar 17, 7:34 AM
    • 15,811 Posts
    • 39,522 Thanks
    FBaby
    I find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all. And I won't be getting into another relationship until I'm working either
    As above, it is easy to blame the system for your failures but it doesn't make it right.

    Are you suggesting that every couple in this country with children on an income of £2100 a month are finding themselves with no choice but to separate because the system is not giving them enough extra money?

    Of course not, most families on this income or lower adjust their lifestyle to their income and don't rely on disability income to keep them in their lifestyle, have more children, get into debts.

    This is not what you want to read but it is the reality.

    My overpayment of tax credits payment has came down so I have more to manage with now and the house will be a much lower rental than private so it's all looking really good for us at the moment. Finally feeling like head is absolutely be water.
    I'm sorry but I really feel sorry for your children. How can it be 'really good' when your children are now having to adjust to living in a new place, which is only temporary, having to start in a new school, with their father not there to help you whilst you are battling depression and anxiety? I feel so sorry for your husband who has been disregarded for benefit money, which you clearly value more than his love.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 18th Mar 17, 8:07 AM
    • 19,510 Posts
    • 31,526 Thanks
    Spendless
    I feel incredibly sad that you have ended a relationship and that your children now have their parents living apart for no other reason than being single gave you greater financial advantages.

    I suspect that later down the line you may discover that the grass isn't greener, it's just different and that there will be disadvantages you didn't have before.

    • Tommo1980
    • By Tommo1980 18th Mar 17, 9:44 AM
    • 297 Posts
    • 382 Thanks
    Tommo1980
    Your posts make absolutely no sense, unless you are trolling for attention.

    I think you would be better served by trying out for a spot on Jeremy Kyle.
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