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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
    • 963Thanks
    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 26
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 10:34 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Thanks so much everyone for replying to my whinging,yes I think its just a blip that I should expect.
    Its weird.....when I don't think of him then I'm fine but the second he gets mentioned then I go on a downer.I know I shouldn't of picked up the phone but its been a while since any of his family contacted me so I never even gave it a thought when the phone rang.
    Although she never said it outright,its clear she thought I was lying,I should of just shrugged my shoulders and say "oh well" but I loathe being thought of as a liar so I guess it is that which is bugging me.
    Do I think his stepmother was was asked to phone me by him??yes I feel that is the case but it wont make the slightest difference at all.
    DBlenks mentioned in his(or her) post that I should talk things over with someone,I actually did about 2 weeks ago.A friend had seen this professional lady when he was going through a separation and he said it was the best money he had ever spent so he gave me her website and I contacted her.
    She was a very nice lady indeed,lots of letters after her name and she was open and friendly too.What surprised me the most was when she said I had been in a abusive relationship for 14 years,I wasn't too sure that was right,however by the time we finished the session I actually believed her and yes she said he was a classic sociopath,everyone on here told me that!
    I'm going back to see her in a few weeks time for a second session and she gave me some homework to do.I have to put down every single thing I had bought him in the past 14 years and I had to do it from the very beginning of our relationship.(harder than you think!) I was staggered how many pages I went through but Ive almost finished it and will have to show her the list next time we meet.
    She also learned me relaxing techniques to help me sleep and they have definatly helped.Im sleeping so much better and it was worth the price just for that alone.Although I was totally drained by the time I had finished the session I will definatly go back and see her again in a few weeks time.
    One positive note is the fact I'm on annual leave from Friday onwards for a full 11 days,how wonderful is that! I still need to decorate more rooms but I will make sure I find time to do a few nice things while I'm away from work.
    • DavidP24
    • By DavidP24 25th Apr 17, 10:38 PM
    • 1,949 Posts
    • 1,147 Thanks
    DavidP24
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    MUN

    I am feeling Deja Vu right now

    Why did you take the call?

    Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

    We are done

    Goodbye.

    Do not listen to their kwap

    Do not engage them

    End of
    Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 11:25 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    MUN

    I am feeling Deja Vu right now

    Why did you take the call?

    Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

    We are done

    Goodbye.

    Do not listen to their kwap

    Do not engage them

    End of
    Originally posted by DavidP24

    It is Deja Vu David,I fell for it before and I bloody fell for it again.
    Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.
    You know when someone says something really nasty or they take your breath away with their words and then half hour later you think to yourself" dam why didn't I say that to her"or you think of a fantastic put down but its too late because that moment has passed,that side of me is the thing I hate the most.
    I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 26th Apr 17, 9:59 AM
    • 27,828 Posts
    • 70,692 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.

    I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

    Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 26th Apr 17, 10:43 AM
    • 7,510 Posts
    • 25,320 Thanks
    Primrose
    Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 26th Apr 17, 5:24 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

    Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
    His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
    Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 26th Apr 17, 5:31 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
    Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
    But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
    If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 26th Apr 17, 5:50 PM
    • 17,060 Posts
    • 43,119 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
    His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
    Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Maybe he's whispering in her ear, telling her his version of events and so she can't understand why you're acting as you are and won't arrange to speak to him and make friends.
    And why she thought it appropriate to invite you to his sister's birthday 'do'.

    Whether that's true or not, I think you'd do well to ignore nay more of her calls.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 26th Apr 17, 7:42 PM
    • 15,186 Posts
    • 10,980 Thanks
    hollydays
    I was just popping in for one post to say, practice deep breathing techniques, but I see your lady is already teaching you relaxation . It's invaluable for helping with sleep.
    You are an amazing woman.
    Last edited by hollydays; 26-04-2017 at 7:56 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 26th Apr 17, 8:40 PM
    • 22,588 Posts
    • 86,425 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
    Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
    But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
    If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    https://www.sky.com/help/articles/blocking-unwanted-calls

    Block a specific phone number
    Dial 1 4 2 5 8 and choose bar a specific number.
    Input the phone number then press #.
    To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.

    Block the last number that called
    Dial 1 4 2 5 8
    Press * twice.
    Confirm you want to bar calls from that number.
    To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.
    Costs £3.35 a month, I think.

    The interwebs suggest that they are reluctant to change phone numbers without a police reference number - being upset by unwanted calls demanding you maintain contact with/be bestest fwends with/get back together with an abusive ex partner would count as something you could report, explaining that you have been told that you need to get a reference number before they'll change it, and if this is a sign of things to come, it will not come from just one number, so it would be entirely reasonable to report it now - but perhaps saying to SKY that you will cancel the subscription and wish to be transferred to do that now if they are unwilling to change the number would get it done anyway?
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • wannabe sybil
    • By wannabe sybil 27th Apr 17, 2:31 PM
    • 2,728 Posts
    • 18,881 Thanks
    wannabe sybil
    I was thinking about the phone call you got.

    Your ex was all about money. Now you are no longer providing so much for him then he is financially worse off. Also I think his ego is likely to be seriously dented because you are doing okay and not falling apart without him.

    He's going to want to try and get back.

    If he behaves to his stepmother as he has behaved to you then I am sure she would be extremely happy if he went back to you and relieved the pressure on her. Besides, who knows what he has been saying to her in the last few years?

    I would brace for further attempts, but without worrying too much about him. He is no longer part of your life, you do not owe him another chance, you do not owe him the opportunity to make it up to you and you do not owe him the dirt off your shoe.

    Good luck.
    Ankh Morpork Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons - don't let my flame go out!
    • DavidP24
    • By DavidP24 27th Apr 17, 10:51 PM
    • 1,949 Posts
    • 1,147 Thanks
    DavidP24
    https://www.sky.com/help/articles/blocking-unwanted-calls

    Costs £3.35 a month, I think.

    The interwebs suggest that they are reluctant to change phone numbers without a police reference number - being upset by unwanted calls demanding you maintain contact with/be bestest fwends with/get back together with an abusive ex partner would count as something you could report, explaining that you have been told that you need to get a reference number before they'll change it, and if this is a sign of things to come, it will not come from just one number, so it would be entirely reasonable to report it now - but perhaps saying to SKY that you will cancel the subscription and wish to be transferred to do that now if they are unwilling to change the number would get it done anyway?
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    No way I would pay for that, I would change provider and not take number so get new number issued.

    In a year MUN will be elible for Sky's next broadband deal of £64 for a year of line rental and BB.

    If can't face moving I would tell Sky "you change the number or I leave" end of

    Then push to get line rental reduced a week later, best offer I have seen other than deal works out at around £10 a month

    To be honest there is some satisfaction in hanging up as soon as you realise it is from person you do not want to speak to.
    Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 28th Apr 17, 7:33 AM
    • 4,727 Posts
    • 12,941 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    In the meantime, when the phone rings, don't answer it straight away. Stand up, take a deep breath and put a huge smile on your face.

    Always answer with a very cheery "Hello!"

    If caller is one of his female posse (or even himself) and you can't bring yourself to slam the phone down, just breathlessly say "Sorry, can't stop, I'm just on my way out...bye!" Then put the phone down and take it off the hook for half an hour or so.

    Take back the control and the power. You're doing great so far and a little blip here and there is to be expected.

    And your counsellor, and JoJo are absolutely right....
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • takethemon
    • By takethemon 12th Jun 17, 8:28 PM
    • 95 Posts
    • 49 Thanks
    takethemon
    I hope things have calmed down a bit for you now and that you start to thrive.
    Financial abuse, his extreme tightness, is covered by the domestic violence definition and as such don't hesitate to phone the local domestic violence department of your Police force.
    They are very humane and will give you any advice that you require.
    Best wishes.
    • DavidP24
    • By DavidP24 12th Jun 17, 10:39 PM
    • 1,949 Posts
    • 1,147 Thanks
    DavidP24
    The financial tightness would only be valid if she did not have control of her own money and he was using money as part of coercive control.

    It does not sound as if you have bothered to read this old thread, he is long gone, there can be no domestic violence now, they have no relationship.
    Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !
    • Luna68
    • By Luna68 12th Jul 17, 8:24 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    Luna68
    Hi
    I have been reading this an I Think You are a very strong Lady
    take care
    xx
    • Luna68
    • By Luna68 12th Jul 17, 8:44 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    Luna68
    IN my opinion he is Narcissistic
    keep your head up and smile keep doing what your doing
    soon he will be just a memory
    xx
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