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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
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    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 25
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 19th Apr 17, 10:00 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    HI everyone,many thanks for the recent posts regarding him and his latest antics.
    All of you are right,if the shoe was on the other foot and I thought the grass was greener the other side only to find out its actually not and then see the one Ive got rid of actually getting on with their life I'm certain it will pee me off good style.But he only has himself to blame at the end of the day,silly man.
    I'm still going through different feelings,some days I hate him for basically stringing me along for so long,some day I'm angry with myself for actually allowing it,then theres the times when a certain songs comes on which brings back a memory and the odd one or two tears arrive.
    But apart from that I am getting on with life and I still love that feeling when I come home from work and see my lovely living room and hallway.....soon to add my bathroom to the list of rooms,yay!!!
    I still don't understand the words in his letter to me and as posters have mentioned the fact he could of posted it instead of hand delivered,however according to the neighbour who spoke to him they said he delievered it through the door at a time when he would of known I was in work,very weird??
    One good thing is I'm off work for 11 days at the beginning of May and I'm determined the bathroom will be done...........and then I start on the kitchen lol By the time I get to my bedroom I,ll be well and truly shattered lol
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 21st Apr 17, 2:34 AM
    • 22,372 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Hi Primrose,
    I'm still stripping,painting and decorating...........I'm on to the bathroom now lol
    I mentioned the money he put into my bank account(one grand less that he agreed on but hey ho),well the other day I received a letter from him,through my door,no stamp on it.
    It was a weird one stupid things to begin with like "I have just the best nights sleep ive had in months because I now know you can no longer get under my skin"then he said " I now realise I am completely over you and if you want to be cold then I can be colder"
    He finished off by saying "there will be no more money today or any other day.I ma going to concentrate on my family,my home,my life"His final words were "so leave me in peace to get on with it.Goodbye"
    Havent got a bloody clue what he was on about??? I could of contacted him but I didn't.
    However a neighbour who I know seen him coming away from my flat and spoke to him.He said to him"neither of you look happy since you split up" and he replied "well it was her choice" erm no it bloody wasn't
    Men I,ll never understand them
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).

    Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.

    Oh well, never mind.



    PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 21st Apr 17, 8:18 PM
    • 256 Posts
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    my-user-name
    Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).

    Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.

    Oh well, never mind.



    PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    Hi Joe,
    I think you've hit the nail on the head explaining why he said thewords about my coldness and how its my choice,it confused me greatly but I'm beginning to think your spot on.As for reining me in,I went the opposite!
    As for my decorating Jo,I decided at the beginning I would decorate all the rooms my friends could see lol starting with the hallway that anyone could see,leading on to the living room.Now its the bathroom,straight afer its the turn of the kitchen,a quick once over for the spare room and then finally my bedroom(NO ONE WILL HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL OF SEEING THAT ONE!) lol My bedroom will be "my special" room which I will make so beautiful,Im determined on that.
    Once its all done I'm going to have a massive party to celebrate!
    Then what do I do with the rest of my life????
    • VintageHistorian
    • By VintageHistorian 21st Apr 17, 8:24 PM
    • 96 Posts
    • 544 Thanks
    VintageHistorian
    Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
    Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
    Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.

    Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell
    "You won't bloom until you're planted" - Graffiti spotted in Newcastle.

    Make £3 a Day in May 2017 - ££25.74/£93 (2017 total - £112.98) | Womble #03 - £4.32 | Overpayments - £490.88
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 22nd Apr 17, 1:56 AM
    • 256 Posts
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    my-user-name
    Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
    Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
    Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.

    Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell
    Originally posted by VintageHistorian
    Great advice Vintage.
    Ive already picked a holiday and I will be going the first week of July,it would be fabulous if all my decorating could be finished by then!!
    Its a place I went to about 12 years ago,yes with him but I'm happy to say there wont be any memories of him surrounding my visit due to the fact he hated it there because it was too quiet but I absolutely loved it! It has the beach,the peaceful surroundings,beautiful restuarants and bars,very friendly locals,well it did 12 years ago lol
    Ive done a lot of research on this place and it actually seems to have changed very little except a few hotels being built there but when I was there it was peace on earth and I loved it so much.(yes we went halves on the cost of the holiday)
    The day we arrived a local dog(the local busmans) adopted us!! it stayed with us all week,it followed us to the shops,the beach,the bars,the restuarants(just stayed outside waiting for us),the day before we left we gave it a well needed bath and he looked lovely.
    We christened him "El Scruffy !!!!!!!o" lol I actually cried my eyes out on the day we left but we found out later the second we left he simply chose another couple to adopt,he,d been doing it for years!! So I have happy memories there and this is the reason why I'm going back.(just got to do shed loads of overtime in the next few weeks for spending money.
    I think for now I will concentrate of finishing my home and doing enough overtime to have a good holiday,once I get back I,ll feel more relaxed and this is where my new life will begin God willing.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 22nd Apr 17, 7:40 AM
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    Primrose
    That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.


    You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 23rd Apr 17, 2:55 PM
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    my-user-name
    That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.


    You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.
    Originally posted by Primrose

    Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
    I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
    Does that sound stupid?
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 23rd Apr 17, 3:30 PM
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    Primrose
    No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.

    I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.

    If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.

    Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.

    I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.
    Last edited by Primrose; 23-04-2017 at 3:39 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 23rd Apr 17, 7:28 PM
    • 22,372 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
    I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
    Does that sound stupid?
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • DBlenks90
    • By DBlenks90 25th Apr 17, 10:04 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    DBlenks90
    I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.

    As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.

    The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 6:57 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.

    I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.

    If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.

    Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.

    I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 7:00 PM
    • 256 Posts
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    my-user-name
    Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    That's the problem Jo,everyone thought we were the perfect couple because I allowed everyone to think that way,this is the reason why it took me months to tell them we had separated.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 7:06 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.

    As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.

    The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.
    Originally posted by DBlenks90
    Horrible isn't it when they suddenly up sticks and leave without a care in the world DBlenks
    Sometimes it takes my breath away when it hits me that we had 14 years together and then this?? I know deep down hes done me a massive favour,and theres days when I can feel really happy and contented,then the next I'm on that horrible downer,I think its because of the phone call I received from his step mother,again I say more fool me for answering the phone in the first place.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 25th Apr 17, 7:13 PM
    • 27,610 Posts
    • 70,130 Thanks
    Mojisola
    then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc

    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    But at least yours is a temporary blip whereas it sounds as if he's really paying for his actions.

    As he can obviously do no wrong in his female relatives' eyes, you'll have to stand firm against them - remember you can always put the phone down if you do answer by mistake again - you don't have to listen to their 'advice'.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 25th Apr 17, 7:30 PM
    • 16,627 Posts
    • 41,698 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    OK.
    He's looking ill.
    He's taking your 'split' badly - even though he instigated it by creeping out of the place he'd lived in for 14 years.
    She (his stepmum) doesn't believe your version of events

    Do you really, really give a flying !!!! about any of this?

    Shd said you 'have to arrange to be friends with him'?
    You have to do nothing of the sort.

    Stay strong.
    You have done nothing wrong.
    If he's convinced his female relatives that you're in the wrong, it's clear he's a player & no wonder you were taken in by him

    But that chapter has been put to bed.
    Stay strong.
    • wannabe sybil
    • By wannabe sybil 25th Apr 17, 7:49 PM
    • 2,728 Posts
    • 18,879 Thanks
    wannabe sybil
    He is devastated - that you're not begging him to come back and you'll ask even less of him if he will just return home! You're supposed to be trying to work out how to make up to him for your pension.
    Ankh Morpork Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons - don't let my flame go out!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 25th Apr 17, 7:55 PM
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    Primrose
    I think it's an automatically trained reaction of most of us to answer a telephone when it starts ringing, and in this case it May well have been your ex conspiring with his stepmother to try and find an opportunity to get you together in the same place again to try and effect some kind of reconciliation. He must be thick if he thinks this is going to happen after the tone of the recent letter he sent you

    Not only should you keep your phone in Anserohone mode. I think you should now tie it up in several plastic bags so that there is no future risk of you being able to answer it until the anserohone message has clicked in !!

    It,s a pity this has set you back but just try regard it as one of the bumpy bits of the road that we all have to negotiate at times. Get that radio playing some enjoyable music while you continue decorating and try to put it behind you. I would hope by now your stepmother has got the message that you're not interested in any kind of reconciliation however subtly she tries to organise it.

    As for your ex, he is probably learning far too late that the best lessons in life to learn are the ones which hurt you the hardest. But people rarely change much. He has his image and self respect to try and protect as far as his family are concerned. . If he had really changed and was genuinely repentant about his behaviour towards you he would have been honest with them about his real behaviour towards you. Putting your hand up and admitting bad behaviour to those who it is hardest would have been a sign that he had really decided to change.
    Last edited by Primrose; 25-04-2017 at 8:06 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 25th Apr 17, 8:42 PM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Wow, he's really panicking now, so much so, Mummy2 has had to order you to contact him, isn't he? You really didn't behave as he had planned throughout. When every other woman in his life has always complied with his demands and believed him without question, he must be in complete shock that you were smarter than that.


    Is there really no way you could change your number? That would guarantee freedom from such intrusions into your life from now on. I'd also stick any unsolicited mail (whether posted or hand delivered) in the post box with just his Mummy's address on, no name or stamp. That way, they can pay the penalty fee to have them back - the cost will put him off continuing soon enough.


    There's no need to feel down on yourself. You're doing nothing wrong. And no need to be polite to him or his fan club. It's not your fault they're trying to bully you into acquiescing to his demands, is it?


    (PS, suddenly coming back to you and saying 'I was a git, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, take me back' would be just another ploy at this point. Don't fall for it if he tries that one next).


    Mind you, this rewriting of leaving really reminds me of how people guilty of domestic abuse rewrite history to cast themselves as the unfortunate hero maligned by the wicked woman. He could have been simply lazy and stingy, but he's sounding more like an abusive man trying to regain his power the more this continues. People don't leave him, reject him or apparently shrug their shoulders and get on with their lives, do they?
    Last edited by Jojo the Tightfisted; 25-04-2017 at 8:46 PM.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 25th Apr 17, 8:52 PM
    • 7,476 Posts
    • 25,224 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think there's a "nice" part of us which always wants to try and believe the best in people and unfortunately sometimes, that's the bit that undoes us in our "down" moments when we genuinely want to hope that the leopard has changed his spots. It happens so many times in relationships, but really if somebody has been unpleasant enough to display all these behaviours for 14 years, the chance of changes happening is pretty unlikely, isn't it? This is the thing you have to keep reminding yourself about on the regretful occasions which may come back and ambush for a while yet.
    • Frugalfamily3
    • By Frugalfamily3 25th Apr 17, 9:44 PM
    • 53 Posts
    • 165 Thanks
    Frugalfamily3
    Hi my-user-name. I'm so sorry to read of your situation and just want to say well done on the dignified way you've dealt with the break up from this poor excuse of a man.

    Xxx
    Mortgage: £58,200 @ 3.89% (7.5 years left, aim for 4)
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