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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
    • 963Thanks
    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 25
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 6:57 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.

    I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.

    If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.

    Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.

    I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 7:00 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    That's the problem Jo,everyone thought we were the perfect couple because I allowed everyone to think that way,this is the reason why it took me months to tell them we had separated.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 7:06 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.

    As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.

    The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.
    Originally posted by DBlenks90
    Horrible isn't it when they suddenly up sticks and leave without a care in the world DBlenks
    Sometimes it takes my breath away when it hits me that we had 14 years together and then this?? I know deep down hes done me a massive favour,and theres days when I can feel really happy and contented,then the next I'm on that horrible downer,I think its because of the phone call I received from his step mother,again I say more fool me for answering the phone in the first place.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 25th Apr 17, 7:13 PM
    • 27,972 Posts
    • 71,118 Thanks
    Mojisola
    then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc

    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    But at least yours is a temporary blip whereas it sounds as if he's really paying for his actions.

    As he can obviously do no wrong in his female relatives' eyes, you'll have to stand firm against them - remember you can always put the phone down if you do answer by mistake again - you don't have to listen to their 'advice'.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 25th Apr 17, 7:30 PM
    • 17,347 Posts
    • 44,182 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    OK.
    He's looking ill.
    He's taking your 'split' badly - even though he instigated it by creeping out of the place he'd lived in for 14 years.
    She (his stepmum) doesn't believe your version of events

    Do you really, really give a flying !!!! about any of this?

    Shd said you 'have to arrange to be friends with him'?
    You have to do nothing of the sort.

    Stay strong.
    You have done nothing wrong.
    If he's convinced his female relatives that you're in the wrong, it's clear he's a player & no wonder you were taken in by him

    But that chapter has been put to bed.
    Stay strong.
    • wannabe sybil
    • By wannabe sybil 25th Apr 17, 7:49 PM
    • 2,728 Posts
    • 18,881 Thanks
    wannabe sybil
    He is devastated - that you're not begging him to come back and you'll ask even less of him if he will just return home! You're supposed to be trying to work out how to make up to him for your pension.
    Ankh Morpork Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons - don't let my flame go out!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 25th Apr 17, 7:55 PM
    • 7,541 Posts
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    Primrose
    I think it's an automatically trained reaction of most of us to answer a telephone when it starts ringing, and in this case it May well have been your ex conspiring with his stepmother to try and find an opportunity to get you together in the same place again to try and effect some kind of reconciliation. He must be thick if he thinks this is going to happen after the tone of the recent letter he sent you

    Not only should you keep your phone in Anserohone mode. I think you should now tie it up in several plastic bags so that there is no future risk of you being able to answer it until the anserohone message has clicked in !!

    It,s a pity this has set you back but just try regard it as one of the bumpy bits of the road that we all have to negotiate at times. Get that radio playing some enjoyable music while you continue decorating and try to put it behind you. I would hope by now your stepmother has got the message that you're not interested in any kind of reconciliation however subtly she tries to organise it.

    As for your ex, he is probably learning far too late that the best lessons in life to learn are the ones which hurt you the hardest. But people rarely change much. He has his image and self respect to try and protect as far as his family are concerned. . If he had really changed and was genuinely repentant about his behaviour towards you he would have been honest with them about his real behaviour towards you. Putting your hand up and admitting bad behaviour to those who it is hardest would have been a sign that he had really decided to change.
    Last edited by Primrose; 25-04-2017 at 8:06 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 25th Apr 17, 8:42 PM
    • 22,775 Posts
    • 87,587 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Wow, he's really panicking now, so much so, Mummy2 has had to order you to contact him, isn't he? You really didn't behave as he had planned throughout. When every other woman in his life has always complied with his demands and believed him without question, he must be in complete shock that you were smarter than that.


    Is there really no way you could change your number? That would guarantee freedom from such intrusions into your life from now on. I'd also stick any unsolicited mail (whether posted or hand delivered) in the post box with just his Mummy's address on, no name or stamp. That way, they can pay the penalty fee to have them back - the cost will put him off continuing soon enough.


    There's no need to feel down on yourself. You're doing nothing wrong. And no need to be polite to him or his fan club. It's not your fault they're trying to bully you into acquiescing to his demands, is it?


    (PS, suddenly coming back to you and saying 'I was a git, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, take me back' would be just another ploy at this point. Don't fall for it if he tries that one next).


    Mind you, this rewriting of leaving really reminds me of how people guilty of domestic abuse rewrite history to cast themselves as the unfortunate hero maligned by the wicked woman. He could have been simply lazy and stingy, but he's sounding more like an abusive man trying to regain his power the more this continues. People don't leave him, reject him or apparently shrug their shoulders and get on with their lives, do they?
    Last edited by Jojo the Tightfisted; 25-04-2017 at 8:46 PM.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 25th Apr 17, 8:52 PM
    • 7,541 Posts
    • 25,389 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think there's a "nice" part of us which always wants to try and believe the best in people and unfortunately sometimes, that's the bit that undoes us in our "down" moments when we genuinely want to hope that the leopard has changed his spots. It happens so many times in relationships, but really if somebody has been unpleasant enough to display all these behaviours for 14 years, the chance of changes happening is pretty unlikely, isn't it? This is the thing you have to keep reminding yourself about on the regretful occasions which may come back and ambush for a while yet.
    • Frugalfamily3
    • By Frugalfamily3 25th Apr 17, 9:44 PM
    • 53 Posts
    • 165 Thanks
    Frugalfamily3
    Hi my-user-name. I'm so sorry to read of your situation and just want to say well done on the dignified way you've dealt with the break up from this poor excuse of a man.

    Xxx
    Mortgage: £58,200 @ 3.89% (7.5 years left, aim for 4)
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 10:34 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Thanks so much everyone for replying to my whinging,yes I think its just a blip that I should expect.
    Its weird.....when I don't think of him then I'm fine but the second he gets mentioned then I go on a downer.I know I shouldn't of picked up the phone but its been a while since any of his family contacted me so I never even gave it a thought when the phone rang.
    Although she never said it outright,its clear she thought I was lying,I should of just shrugged my shoulders and say "oh well" but I loathe being thought of as a liar so I guess it is that which is bugging me.
    Do I think his stepmother was was asked to phone me by him??yes I feel that is the case but it wont make the slightest difference at all.
    DBlenks mentioned in his(or her) post that I should talk things over with someone,I actually did about 2 weeks ago.A friend had seen this professional lady when he was going through a separation and he said it was the best money he had ever spent so he gave me her website and I contacted her.
    She was a very nice lady indeed,lots of letters after her name and she was open and friendly too.What surprised me the most was when she said I had been in a abusive relationship for 14 years,I wasn't too sure that was right,however by the time we finished the session I actually believed her and yes she said he was a classic sociopath,everyone on here told me that!
    I'm going back to see her in a few weeks time for a second session and she gave me some homework to do.I have to put down every single thing I had bought him in the past 14 years and I had to do it from the very beginning of our relationship.(harder than you think!) I was staggered how many pages I went through but Ive almost finished it and will have to show her the list next time we meet.
    She also learned me relaxing techniques to help me sleep and they have definatly helped.Im sleeping so much better and it was worth the price just for that alone.Although I was totally drained by the time I had finished the session I will definatly go back and see her again in a few weeks time.
    One positive note is the fact I'm on annual leave from Friday onwards for a full 11 days,how wonderful is that! I still need to decorate more rooms but I will make sure I find time to do a few nice things while I'm away from work.
    • DavidP24
    • By DavidP24 25th Apr 17, 10:38 PM
    • 984 Posts
    • 1,160 Thanks
    DavidP24
    I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
    I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
    I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
    Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
    Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
    More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    MUN

    I am feeling Deja Vu right now

    Why did you take the call?

    Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

    We are done

    Goodbye.

    Do not listen to their kwap

    Do not engage them

    End of
    Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 25th Apr 17, 11:25 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    MUN

    I am feeling Deja Vu right now

    Why did you take the call?

    Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

    We are done

    Goodbye.

    Do not listen to their kwap

    Do not engage them

    End of
    Originally posted by DavidP24

    It is Deja Vu David,I fell for it before and I bloody fell for it again.
    Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.
    You know when someone says something really nasty or they take your breath away with their words and then half hour later you think to yourself" dam why didn't I say that to her"or you think of a fantastic put down but its too late because that moment has passed,that side of me is the thing I hate the most.
    I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 26th Apr 17, 9:59 AM
    • 27,972 Posts
    • 71,118 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.

    I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

    Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 26th Apr 17, 10:43 AM
    • 7,541 Posts
    • 25,389 Thanks
    Primrose
    Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 26th Apr 17, 5:24 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

    Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
    His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
    Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 26th Apr 17, 5:31 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
    Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
    But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
    If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 26th Apr 17, 5:50 PM
    • 17,347 Posts
    • 44,182 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
    His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
    Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Maybe he's whispering in her ear, telling her his version of events and so she can't understand why you're acting as you are and won't arrange to speak to him and make friends.
    And why she thought it appropriate to invite you to his sister's birthday 'do'.

    Whether that's true or not, I think you'd do well to ignore nay more of her calls.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 26th Apr 17, 7:42 PM
    • 15,238 Posts
    • 11,015 Thanks
    hollydays
    I was just popping in for one post to say, practice deep breathing techniques, but I see your lady is already teaching you relaxation . It's invaluable for helping with sleep.
    You are an amazing woman.
    Last edited by hollydays; 26-04-2017 at 7:56 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 26th Apr 17, 8:40 PM
    • 22,775 Posts
    • 87,587 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
    Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
    But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
    If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    https://www.sky.com/help/articles/blocking-unwanted-calls

    Block a specific phone number
    Dial 1 4 2 5 8 and choose bar a specific number.
    Input the phone number then press #.
    To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.

    Block the last number that called
    Dial 1 4 2 5 8
    Press * twice.
    Confirm you want to bar calls from that number.
    To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.
    Costs £3.35 a month, I think.

    The interwebs suggest that they are reluctant to change phone numbers without a police reference number - being upset by unwanted calls demanding you maintain contact with/be bestest fwends with/get back together with an abusive ex partner would count as something you could report, explaining that you have been told that you need to get a reference number before they'll change it, and if this is a sign of things to come, it will not come from just one number, so it would be entirely reasonable to report it now - but perhaps saying to SKY that you will cancel the subscription and wish to be transferred to do that now if they are unwilling to change the number would get it done anyway?
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
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