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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
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    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 24
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 12th Apr 17, 7:07 PM
    • 22,775 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    On first reading you would imagine not possible that someone could do such a thing.

    Would he benefit from your will?

    First thing, make sure you have done a will that excludes him or leaves him the value of his relationship, 1p.

    Next have your gas or any other fire risk checked, along with your car brake fluid line!
    Originally posted by EdwardB
    He assumed he would. Pity the old guy at the firm had made certain I'd decided already where it should go in the event of my demise, strongly recommending that it didn't go to 'somebody who isn't prepared to marry you, unless, um, er, if you have something in common with some of our gents who nominated a Special Male Friend as beneficiary [polite cough]' - so it wasn't ever going anywhere near his pocket and I'd just forgotten to mention that bit to him .

    I'd already replaced all the appliances and the boiler by six weeks after he'd left, too, including the vacuum cleaner that had inexplicably given me a jolt when switching it on and picking up the (metal) hose.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 12th Apr 17, 11:20 PM
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    my-user-name
    Without doubt this video is going to the top of my Facebook page Edward,I haven't laughed so much in ages lol
    (Sent you a message but not sure if you received it or its still floating around the universe)
    You crack me up lol
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 18th Apr 17, 9:43 PM
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    Primrose
    I hope things are starting to feel better for you now and you're gradually feeling you've turned a corner. I should think that by now your Ex is starting to feel the financial pinch with all his new expenses kicking in! Just look around your newly decorated room and enjoy the results of your efforts.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 19th Apr 17, 12:01 AM
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    my-user-name
    I hope things are starting to feel better for you now and you're gradually feeling you've turned a corner. I should think that by now your Ex is starting to feel the financial pinch with all his new expenses kicking in! Just look around your newly decorated room and enjoy the results of your efforts.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Hi Primrose,
    I'm still stripping,painting and decorating...........I'm on to the bathroom now lol
    I mentioned the money he put into my bank account(one grand less that he agreed on but hey ho),well the other day I received a letter from him,through my door,no stamp on it.
    It was a weird one stupid things to begin with like "I have just the best nights sleep ive had in months because I now know you can no longer get under my skin"then he said " I now realise I am completely over you and if you want to be cold then I can be colder"
    He finished off by saying "there will be no more money today or any other day.I ma going to concentrate on my family,my home,my life"His final words were "so leave me in peace to get on with it.Goodbye"
    Havent got a bloody clue what he was on about??? I could of contacted him but I didn't.
    However a neighbour who I know seen him coming away from my flat and spoke to him.He said to him"neither of you look happy since you split up" and he replied "well it was her choice" erm no it bloody wasn't
    Men I,ll never understand them
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 19th Apr 17, 7:48 AM
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    Primrose
    Sounds as if he might possibly have been drinking or at best is under some serious disillusions. In either case you're better off moving forward on your own. It has obviously got under his skin that you never contacted him to query the missing £1,000 from the payment he made and I see the letter as a spiteful response to try and even out the temperature. Your not responding to that either has probably ruffled his feathers even more because he now knows, despite his disillusions, that he has no way of permeating your armour.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 19th Apr 17, 9:49 AM
    • 28,002 Posts
    • 71,171 Thanks
    Mojisola
    the other day I received a letter from him,through my door,no stamp on it.

    It was a weird one stupid things to begin with like "I have just the best nights sleep ive had in months because I now know you can no longer get under my skin"then he said "I now realise I am completely over you and if you want to be cold then I can be colder"

    He finished off by saying "there will be no more money today or any other day.I ma going to concentrate on my family,my home,my life"

    His final words were "so leave me in peace to get on with it.Goodbye"

    Havent got a bloody clue what he was on about???
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    I think he's feeling the complete opposite of everything he said in the letter.

    You were 'leaving him in peace'; you haven't asked him for any more money; he is so not 'over you'!

    Sending you less money than agreed was obviously meant to get you contacting him again. You called his bluff and didn't.

    He's struggling to come to terms that he has got himself in this situation and can't understand why you aren't chasing him and pleading for him to come back.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 19th Apr 17, 10:49 AM
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    Pollycat
    I think he's feeling the complete opposite of everything he said in the letter.

    You were 'leaving him in peace'; you haven't asked him for any more money; he is so not 'over you'!

    Sending you less money than agreed was obviously meant to get you contacting him again. You called his bluff and didn't.

    He's struggling to come to terms that he has got himself in this situation and can't understand why you aren't chasing him and pleading for him to come back.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    My thoughts exactly ^^^^.
    I think that's the best thing to do.

    I too think he's done it on purpose with some ulterior motive in mind.
    And is waiting for you to bite.
    So - don't.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    You've double-sixed him by acting totally opposite to the way he expected.
    The joke is most definitely on him.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 19th Apr 17, 2:24 PM
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    Primrose
    He could have posted the letter. I can,t help wondering if he hand delivered it half hoping that he might have bumped into you and been able to heldge his bets on how he would play things if that happened. He's obviously not anxious for your neighbours to know the truth that it was he who actually quit of his own volition.
    • VintageHistorian
    • By VintageHistorian 19th Apr 17, 9:24 PM
    • 172 Posts
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    VintageHistorian
    Aaah, I was right on the money, he really doesn't like that you're living fine without him.

    Don't get in contact again, but I'd keep the letter just in case you start getting more of them, it'll be useful if you ever need to get a friendly PCSO to have a chat with him about harassment.
    "You won't bloom until you're planted" - Graffiti spotted in Newcastle.

    Make £3 a Day in August 2017 - £24.33/£93 (2017 total - £112.98) | Womble #03 - £4.32 | Overpayments in 2017 - £749.69
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 19th Apr 17, 9:39 PM
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    Primrose
    He's either going to run out of steam now or the pent up frustration of you not acting in the way he had anticipated could cause him to flip and really start acting out of character. I suspect he's very frustrated that you seem to be getting on with your life whilst perhaps the financial pressures are now starting to creep up on him, with the realisation that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side and he may finally have burnt his boats.


    If he was "completely over you" he wouldn't even be wasting his time writing a letter to you and coming over to your place to hand deliver it.
    Last edited by Primrose; 19-04-2017 at 9:42 PM.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 19th Apr 17, 10:00 PM
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    my-user-name
    HI everyone,many thanks for the recent posts regarding him and his latest antics.
    All of you are right,if the shoe was on the other foot and I thought the grass was greener the other side only to find out its actually not and then see the one Ive got rid of actually getting on with their life I'm certain it will pee me off good style.But he only has himself to blame at the end of the day,silly man.
    I'm still going through different feelings,some days I hate him for basically stringing me along for so long,some day I'm angry with myself for actually allowing it,then theres the times when a certain songs comes on which brings back a memory and the odd one or two tears arrive.
    But apart from that I am getting on with life and I still love that feeling when I come home from work and see my lovely living room and hallway.....soon to add my bathroom to the list of rooms,yay!!!
    I still don't understand the words in his letter to me and as posters have mentioned the fact he could of posted it instead of hand delivered,however according to the neighbour who spoke to him they said he delievered it through the door at a time when he would of known I was in work,very weird??
    One good thing is I'm off work for 11 days at the beginning of May and I'm determined the bathroom will be done...........and then I start on the kitchen lol By the time I get to my bedroom I,ll be well and truly shattered lol
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 21st Apr 17, 2:34 AM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Hi Primrose,
    I'm still stripping,painting and decorating...........I'm on to the bathroom now lol
    I mentioned the money he put into my bank account(one grand less that he agreed on but hey ho),well the other day I received a letter from him,through my door,no stamp on it.
    It was a weird one stupid things to begin with like "I have just the best nights sleep ive had in months because I now know you can no longer get under my skin"then he said " I now realise I am completely over you and if you want to be cold then I can be colder"
    He finished off by saying "there will be no more money today or any other day.I ma going to concentrate on my family,my home,my life"His final words were "so leave me in peace to get on with it.Goodbye"
    Havent got a bloody clue what he was on about??? I could of contacted him but I didn't.
    However a neighbour who I know seen him coming away from my flat and spoke to him.He said to him"neither of you look happy since you split up" and he replied "well it was her choice" erm no it bloody wasn't
    Men I,ll never understand them
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).

    Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.

    Oh well, never mind.



    PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 21st Apr 17, 8:18 PM
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    my-user-name
    Makes me think (as I did a while ago) that leaving really was all a ploy to get you back to heel again. Especially with the nonsense about coldness and that it was your choice (presumably because you didn't beg him to come back and set out erasing him from your home).

    Aww, bless. Poor baby has begun to realise the consequences of his actions.

    Oh well, never mind.



    PS - if you can't do your bedroom first (which I'd recommend), at least make certain it's absolutely immaculate, with a freshly made up bed at all times, as the best thing about that when other places seem chaotic, messy or just full of paint and displaced furniture, is to end your day crashing into a perfect place to sleep. If you are still struggling with sleeping in there, making it nice when you'll be tired from the physical stuff could be just the thing you need to make it a good place to be again.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    Hi Joe,
    I think you've hit the nail on the head explaining why he said thewords about my coldness and how its my choice,it confused me greatly but I'm beginning to think your spot on.As for reining me in,I went the opposite!
    As for my decorating Jo,I decided at the beginning I would decorate all the rooms my friends could see lol starting with the hallway that anyone could see,leading on to the living room.Now its the bathroom,straight afer its the turn of the kitchen,a quick once over for the spare room and then finally my bedroom(NO ONE WILL HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL OF SEEING THAT ONE!) lol My bedroom will be "my special" room which I will make so beautiful,Im determined on that.
    Once its all done I'm going to have a massive party to celebrate!
    Then what do I do with the rest of my life????
    • VintageHistorian
    • By VintageHistorian 21st Apr 17, 8:24 PM
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    VintageHistorian
    Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
    Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
    Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.

    Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell
    "You won't bloom until you're planted" - Graffiti spotted in Newcastle.

    Make £3 a Day in August 2017 - £24.33/£93 (2017 total - £112.98) | Womble #03 - £4.32 | Overpayments in 2017 - £749.69
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 22nd Apr 17, 1:56 AM
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    my-user-name
    Travel to the places you've always wanted to go, but couldn't because "OH might not like it" or "we can't afford it if there's two of us going". Doesn't have to be the other side of the world, could easily be a train ride away.
    Spend more time with friends who you might have felt were drifting away due to busy schedules.
    Join some new clubs so you can make more new friends and spend some time with them.

    Live a damn good life without that loser hanging around like a bad smell
    Originally posted by VintageHistorian
    Great advice Vintage.
    Ive already picked a holiday and I will be going the first week of July,it would be fabulous if all my decorating could be finished by then!!
    Its a place I went to about 12 years ago,yes with him but I'm happy to say there wont be any memories of him surrounding my visit due to the fact he hated it there because it was too quiet but I absolutely loved it! It has the beach,the peaceful surroundings,beautiful restuarants and bars,very friendly locals,well it did 12 years ago lol
    Ive done a lot of research on this place and it actually seems to have changed very little except a few hotels being built there but when I was there it was peace on earth and I loved it so much.(yes we went halves on the cost of the holiday)
    The day we arrived a local dog(the local busmans) adopted us!! it stayed with us all week,it followed us to the shops,the beach,the bars,the restuarants(just stayed outside waiting for us),the day before we left we gave it a well needed bath and he looked lovely.
    We christened him "El Scruffy !!!!!!!o" lol I actually cried my eyes out on the day we left but we found out later the second we left he simply chose another couple to adopt,he,d been doing it for years!! So I have happy memories there and this is the reason why I'm going back.(just got to do shed loads of overtime in the next few weeks for spending money.
    I think for now I will concentrate of finishing my home and doing enough overtime to have a good holiday,once I get back I,ll feel more relaxed and this is where my new life will begin God willing.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 22nd Apr 17, 7:40 AM
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    Primrose
    That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.


    You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 23rd Apr 17, 2:55 PM
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    my-user-name
    That sounds a very positive attitude - something to look forward to and in the meantime lots of overtime and physical activity to keep you preoccupied and motivated. You sound as if you're going to be so busy that at the end of the day you will just crash out to sleep so hopefully no sleepless nights either.


    You're to be congratulated on making such a positive outcome from an unhappy situation and I'm sure everybody who has been following you will wish you well.
    Originally posted by Primrose

    Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
    I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
    Does that sound stupid?
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 23rd Apr 17, 3:30 PM
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    Primrose
    No it,s no a stupid question to ask or to wonder about. Serious life adjustments like bereavement or loss of a long term relationship never follow a prescribed pattern. After all, we are human beings with emotional feelings, not programmed robots.

    I'm sure there will be some "flat" periods after you return from your holiday. The whole of life follows these unequal patterns regardless of whether we have suffered a life changing emotional event or not. What will help you possibly is to recognise this in advance so that if it happens you can say to yourself "Oh, here comes a "downer" and deal with it as if you were helping support a friend get through a difficult patch.

    If you can have a list of activities to do, books to read, local interesting places to visit up front to hedge against these periods that might help. How is your frienship with Miss Envelope coming along? is there anything there might help hedge against these "down" periods.

    Try to regard them as part of the long term healing process. This will not always go in a nice straight line. Think about keeping a diary on the bad days. Letting vent to your negative feelings might be a good emotional outlet. I suspect as the weeks pass, you will be able to look back and find fewer and fewer entries.

    I don't think it,s a case that you didn,t love him. I think it's more that you have already started the first phase of your "detachment" process and that slowly you are begininning to see faults in him that previously you had psychologically unwittingly programmed yourself to avoid recognising or confronting. So in a way, one of the difficult self questioning phases of your being able to move on has perhaps already been dealt with.
    Last edited by Primrose; 23-04-2017 at 3:39 PM.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 23rd Apr 17, 7:28 PM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Thanks so much for your lovely words Primrose,my only problem is wondering if Ive taken the grieving process out of my head and put it into its own box labelled "will sort out later",Im just a tad worried that once my decorating and overtime is done and Ive finally got time for myself I will begin to start the grieving for him due to not having things to keep me moving on??
    I'm saying this because a few friends have commented that I either didn't love him really because I don't think about him or its too quick to be over him.
    Does that sound stupid?
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • DBlenks90
    • By DBlenks90 25th Apr 17, 10:04 AM
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    DBlenks90
    I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.

    As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.

    The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.
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