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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 252Posts
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    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 20
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 12th Mar 17, 7:39 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Well it's nice to have goals where the end is imminently in sight and am sure when you sit back and admire the end result it will be infinitely satisfying.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    And I will have a party to celebrate!! well ok just a few friends round then lol
    • EdwardB
    • By EdwardB 13th Mar 17, 5:14 AM
    • 412 Posts
    • 319 Thanks
    EdwardB
    My personal feeling is that you have to take ownership of the sleep issue, as part of your self-development. Sleep is all about routine, so if you know you need 7 hours and need to be up at 6 you know you need "head on pillow" at 22:45, but also you need to wind down, so no computers or ipad for an hour before, then a ceremony of a hot choc, malt drink or decaf coffee, then a brushing of teeth and perhaps some reading. BTW most decaf coffee is not decaf at all, they add a sedative to counter. Forcing this routine on yourself, just until it become set is part of it.

    The stopping the tech is important, the light alone causes a hormone keeps you awake, in fact I would put phone on Do Not Disturb at 20:30 and read or watch a movie on tv with brightness set to lowest setting. Again, it is all about teaching your subconscious the routine.

    However as you also have medical needs, you might want to ask your GP if they think melatonin is a good option for you, it can be obtained from health food shops. It is good at regulating sleep; it just gives you that sleepy feeling, but it is up to you to respond to it, if you "push through it", it will not help and it needs the commitment to the routine.

    Finally, I guess it is about what sort of alarms you have, a recent study after fire in UK said that children sleep through fire alarms but are more likely to respond to a voice.

    There are apps that can do this but BBC iPlayer Radio app has that built in, set it for Radio4 today programme at 6am or if you really want to force yourself out of bed, farming today, followed by tweet for the day or the Shipping Forecast at 05:20, that is enough to wake the dead!!

    You can plug in an external speaker so you hear the voice.

    You could get one of these loud alarms with bed skakers as well

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sonic-SBB500SS-Alarm-Shaker-Version/dp/B000OOWZUK

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Geemarc-Vibrating-Telephone-Flashing-Version/dp/B0007M68WK

    I think there is a clue in those car boot mornings; motivation. I once read about a method of waking up without an alarm, it worked for me but only when I did not burn the midnight oil. The idea is you tell your subconscious "I need to wake up in 7 hours at 6 o'clock" you cup your hands into a sort of shell that covers your ear and speak into it. Then you get comfortable and lift your head and drop to the pillow 7 times, once for each hour. I laughed when I first heard this, but I tried it and it worked, only time it failed me was when I had serious backlog of sleep for a few weeks.

    For the furniture, see if there is a video for the one you have, this one is an example and shows how he fits it to the wall. It is an option to fit a small piece of wood to the wall at the required height and screw into that, note an electric screwdriver (fully charged) makes this job go quicker.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nO5107tpR8

    So for the girly girl glitter thing, Ex is lucky you did not come to him saying you wanted him to buy Osborne and Little (some over £50 a roll) and that he had to put it up!

    If you are going to make "joint decisions", a version of the alternative close; you give two choices, one you know he will hate so you can get the one he thinks is lesser of two evils,

    One you want

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn-2013/eden-wallpapers/empress

    One he will hate

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn%202015/cubana-wallpapers/leopardo

    or you just say, "this is my flat and you doss here so pull your weight or sod off"!!

    Of course now that I have sewn the idea you will probably be drawn to one of the Osborne and Little designs.

    The thing is now you do not have to worry, you can do whatever you want, it is your choice.

    Freedom of independence, get used to it, enjoy it!
    Originally posted by EdwardB
    Hi Edward.My one quote in life(and yes I should change it) is....
    "It should be illegal to go to bed on the same day you've woken up".

    The problem with my sleeping is I just cannot go to bed if I don't feel tired so lying in bed while I'm still wide awake is a no no for me,I can only go to bed if I know within minutes I,ll be fast asleep.

    I have never gone to bed before midnight,well not for many years but recently I'm still up in the early hours,then I panic because I know I might oversleep for work so I end up staying awake all night and then going to work with no sleep at all.Does it effect me in work??yes its beginning too
    But the times I do go to bed and set my alarms I just don't hear them,is it any wonder???

    You made a suggestion of no computer or ipad etc an hour before I'm due to hit the sack,yes I could try that because it may help me.

    I think I will make a appointment just to get my bloods checked out,just to be on the safe side.My medication hasn't been checked for a good while so its worth going to see him.

    The alarm in the link you sent looks a good one,anything is worth a try.]Ive also looked at the you tube video regarding flat packs,I really will have a go at making it up once the painting and decorating is done but I have no confidance at all and the thought fills me with dread.But I,ll never know if I don't try!

    The wallapapers from Osbourne and Little looks awesome!! my main wall has to be bold,its going to be my "statement wall" so it has to be something really special and to hell with the cost! I've definatly having the glitter wallpaper on my other three,thats decided and set in stone lol I think it will look lovely once the decorating has been done and my new furniture finally made up,then its the turn of my bedroom.(I will make sure I don't turn it into a tarts boudoir lol) or maybe I will lol

    I know once this is done I will then concentrate on myself,I want to change the way I look,the clothes that I wear,in fact I want to change everything about myself.Apparently that's normal when a relationship breaks down.Ive only got a stone to lose and that alone will make a massive difference to my confidance,then I can sort out my new look.I reckon by the summertime I,ll have everything sorted,my home will be perfect to have my friends and new found friends to come and visit me,I will have a new outlook on life and I kknow I will feel so much happier.

    Just not sure if Ive done it the right way around??should I of sorted myself out first and then my home???Ive done it the other way,I think its the right choice but not sure.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Well I think you might want to adapt that saying!!

    Everything you need is in my previous post, but here are some things that may improve it:

    "You cannot manage what you do not track" is an old business saying but it applies to many things we try to change about ourselves. So start with a sleep diary, from the moment you wake up record your "sleep affectimg activities",
    the time you wake up,
    the time you get up
    What you do in between (ipad, PC, TV, reading, snoozing,)
    Time of any cups of coffee or tea
    Any time spend on Ipad or laptop or mobile
    Time spend watching TV
    Other social activities (lunch with wine, shorts at bar with friends etc)
    Time to bed
    Time light off
    Time to sleep (approx)

    It sounds to be like you have a dodgy schedule as well as being a deep sleeper.

    You mention "feeling sleepy" well this is different for each person, some will start yawning a lot, others will just feel their head get heavy and for some it is just a light "I am starting to feel a bit tired".

    Now what I noticed was that it is possible to "punch through" the feeling, especially with stimulants like coffee, tea, a mobile, iPad/Laptop and even the TV if it is loud and bright enough. You need to record when you feel the feeling and "punch through" by carrying on. What Melatonin does is make the "I feel sleepy" a bit more pronounced but is it possible to still punch through, you have to learn to "listen" to that signal. Part of that is being prepared for bed, having a ceremony in your routine.

    So you have to turn the brightness on these down a bit each day till they are at their lowest. You will get used to the lower setting, Then depending on what you had in the diary you need to cut back the hours on these devices and an absolute ban on mobile and ipad/PC for 2 hours before bedtime.

    Now "bedtime" is going to be a moving event till you have your bad habits eliminated and your schedule back to being predictable. You will NOT be able to go from say 4 hours sleep to 8 hours and you will not be able to move from going to bed at 2am to 11pm overnight. It could take 3 months and only work if you follow it.

    So do not try to change the hours, just cut back and then out the bad habits (the stimulants) and In the first week to turn down the brightness a bit every other day. If your diary has you going to bed at 2am start by going to bed just 15m earlier for the first week. These habits are formed over years so give yourself time to undo them.

    You will be on the sofa weekdays till you have a handle on this, testing at weekends). After a week of going to bed at 01:45 you bring it back to 01:30 for another week.

    It is important to keep tracking and to note the head on pillow, light off and time you think you nodded off, the latter is written next morning.

    Now you just rinse and repeat, you adapt according to your diary, you may take two weeks to get used to a micro change of 15m. The important thing is not to give up, TAKE OWNERSHIP. Do not be put off by small deviations or slips. Just get right back on track.

    You need to take you cue from that "I feel sleepy" signal, respond immediately to it, ideally you will have brushed your teeth already and be able to just turn out the light and go to sleep.

    If you still find yourself awake, say to yourself "I am really tired and I need to sleep", get your body into as comfortable position as you can, close your eyes, then starting with your feet and toes, let any muscles you have in your feet totally relax as if you can no longer move them, then move to your legs, let them go, acknowledge you can't move them, then move to your hips and lower back, then rest of back, then shoulders and finally let your head go and acknowledge you can't move it (or you are letting it go). Then just feel yourself as floating, as being really light, almost floating above your body, your eyes remain closed, do not think of anything, if you feel restless, imagine it is the child inside and say, "no I need to sleep now". Do not get up no matter what you do, your subconscious child inside will throw things at you, need to pee, is that a tap dripping, did I turn off the oven. Do not respond.

    Outsourcing the flat pack is OK, some of the top business people can't sell or do accounts to save their life, so they get someone in who can. You have a lot on your plate and delegating this task off can be a bit of a reward for that overtime.

    You are right, you have your goals, you have a time when things will be better and you aim for that, a bit like a marathon runner who is struggling says "OK I will just get to 5 mile mark, then at 5 miles says, I better push to 10 miles or I will seem pathetic, then at 10 says, I come this far I must try for 15, then at 15 finds some new strength and pushes themself to 20 and even increases the pace, then igoring the pain pushes on to get to the end.

    There will be some cobble stones along the way, but they are not forever.

    Now when you see that cheap chocolate say to yourself, "no you are not good enough for me, if I am going to have chocolate it is going to be from Belgium and expensive."

    Again it is about taking control, there will be plenty of time for cheap chocolate or any sweet things as treats in the years after you have reached your goal. Telling yourself no is very powerful if you wrap it in a positive so "say no, be strong" you are not just saying no you are saying that by saying no you are being strong.

    You know you are getting stronger and stronger as every day passes and there is a little pleasure to know he would not like the new decor and even if he liked the new you, he does not qualify.

    About the pictures; on some web apps you can copy and paste, but MSE do not want the cost of storing images so they only allow you to display images that are already on the web.

    So you have to first put the images up on the web somewhere.

    Now it does not matter whether you put them in flckr or facebook, each image with have a unique web address, sometimes this is called a link location, the technical name for the web address of the image is the URL, some call it a link address or just a link.

    You could create an anonymous account on Flickr, upload the pics and give us the web address but BE CAREFUL, your images are a footprint to the real you. So if you shared them anywhere else people can search by image and connect the two. The web indexes these and once it does it is pretty difficult to remove them.

    Now all I did was take a print screen from that video, trim it, then put the image on a web site, it could have been flickr, photobucket or imgur.com. Once the image is uploaded it has a unique address that looks something like this but without the spaces

    http:// i.imgur.com/ E1DpnPB.png

    If you break that down it is a file with the name E1DpnPB.png that is stored on imgur.com in a subdomain (a subsidiary website) called i and the http:// bit just says that it should be read with a browser and it tells the forum software it is a link.

    The web address of an image on ebay might look like this

    http:// i. ebayimg.com /images/g/fZcAAOSwjDZYmw8d/ s-l1600.jpg

    This time the image filename is s-l1600.jpg

    it is stored in a folder called fZcAAOSwjDZYmw8d
    which is in a folder called g
    which is in a folder called images
    which is on the domain called ebayimg.com
    of which it is stored on a sub domain called i

    If you click the picture icon above the box you edit in () and enter the ebay image address you get the image displayed here in the forum, like this:



    So if you want to include a pic in this thread you just click on that icon above that look like a painting



    It will ask you

    Please enter the URL of your image:

    and you just enter the unique web address aka URL of the image, in this case

    http://i.imgur.com/ E1DpnPB.png

    but as I said, I would not put up any personal photos if I were you as they can be a foot print to you in the real world.

    Now what was it people were saying about people posting at 4am!!

    (I have had 6 hours but woke at 03:45)!!
    Please be nice to all MoneySavers. That’s the forum motto. Remember, the prime aim is to help provide info and resources. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your board’ then please bite the bullet and think of the bigger issue.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 13th Mar 17, 8:10 AM
    • 7,435 Posts
    • 25,120 Thanks
    Primrose
    Edward - what a thoughtful and helpful post. I think many of us reading it can benefit from it from your suggestions . And what a detailed technical explanation too. Wish you were my IT teacher !
    • elona
    • By elona 13th Mar 17, 12:00 PM
    • 10,896 Posts
    • 56,410 Thanks
    elona
    Edward

    Wish I could thank that post more than once.
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 13th Mar 17, 9:12 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I have been on here for the past hour trying to work out your instructions Edward,I am just about ready to throw this computer out of the window I'm going to keep trying though,Ive joined Flicker but it keeps saying theres a problem..YES I KNOW THERES A PROBLEM,IT WONT WORK FOR ME!!!!"
    My dear old mum always said I haven't got the patience to break wind,she was right lol Ive really got to start computer lessons and soon.You have put the solution in a easy formula and I'm determined I'm going to crack it.
    Your sleep diary is a fabulous idea! I will defiantly do one Edward and only then will I see where I'm going wrong but I wont start it until I have finished the living room which hopefully should be by the weekend if I keep at it.This will mean staying up late to finish things off but by Monday I should be able to start my very own sleep pattern diary
    I have a small clock size recording monitor that I bought ages ago so at the weekend when I went to bed I plugged it in to record what kind of sleep I have.I looked through it the next day on my computer and was surprised to see I hardly moved a inch once I fell asleep,I was in the exact same position throughout the night,I hardly moved!! I might try it while I'm sleeping on the settee this week just to see if I'm dead to the world on the settee but I'm certain I wont be.
    This week will also be a problem for me because Ive lost a weeks supply of my thyroxin tablets so that will effect my body this week until I get my new monthly supply.I went looking for my tablets last night and all I found was the empty packages which means the packets which had my last weeks supply in will have gone in the bin by mistake.Ive never gone a week without them but once Friday arrives my new monthly supply will be ready at Boots to collect.
    The relaxing technique does sound good,very good indeed.The only problem is where you mention "Do not get up no matter what you do" without doubt that will be the hardest thing for me to do but I will definatly give it a good try.I find the hardest thing while trying to sleep is my minds still going ten to the dozen,anything and everything comes into my thoughts and its very frustrating to try and stay calm while things are swimming inside my head.

    You know Edward everyone of your posts and replies always go that extra mile,not only when you answer my posts but other forum members posts too,were lucky to have you here because I feel you actually understand people much more than you realise and your comments are always spot on.
    Your awesome!!
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 13th Mar 17, 9:41 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I think I might of managed it but when I put a link up to my flicker page my name comes up and also a picci of me along with the piccis of the furniture,Im half way there Edward lol
    • EdwardB
    • By EdwardB 14th Mar 17, 7:33 AM
    • 412 Posts
    • 319 Thanks
    EdwardB
    I have been on here for the past hour trying to work out your instructions Edward,I am just about ready to throw this computer out of the window I'm going to keep trying though,Ive joined Flicker but it keeps saying theres a problem..YES I KNOW THERES A PROBLEM,IT WONT WORK FOR ME!!!!"
    My dear old mum always said I haven't got the patience to break wind,she was right lol Ive really got to start computer lessons and soon.You have put the solution in a easy formula and I'm determined I'm going to crack it.
    Your sleep diary is a fabulous idea! I will defiantly do one Edward and only then will I see where I'm going wrong but I wont start it until I have finished the living room which hopefully should be by the weekend if I keep at it.This will mean staying up late to finish things off but by Monday I should be able to start my very own sleep pattern diary
    I have a small clock size recording monitor that I bought ages ago so at the weekend when I went to bed I plugged it in to record what kind of sleep I have.I looked through it the next day on my computer and was surprised to see I hardly moved a inch once I fell asleep,I was in the exact same position throughout the night,I hardly moved!! I might try it while I'm sleeping on the settee this week just to see if I'm dead to the world on the settee but I'm certain I wont be.
    This week will also be a problem for me because Ive lost a weeks supply of my thyroxin tablets so that will effect my body this week until I get my new monthly supply.I went looking for my tablets last night and all I found was the empty packages which means the packets which had my last weeks supply in will have gone in the bin by mistake.Ive never gone a week without them but once Friday arrives my new monthly supply will be ready at Boots to collect.
    The relaxing technique does sound good,very good indeed.The only problem is where you mention "Do not get up no matter what you do" without doubt that will be the hardest thing for me to do but I will definatly give it a good try.I find the hardest thing while trying to sleep is my minds still going ten to the dozen,anything and everything comes into my thoughts and its very frustrating to try and stay calm while things are swimming inside my head.

    You know Edward everyone of your posts and replies always go that extra mile,not only when you answer my posts but other forum members posts too,were lucky to have you here because I feel you actually understand people much more than you realise and your comments are always spot on.
    Your awesome!!
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    I think I might of managed it but when I put a link up to my flicker page my name comes up and also a picci of me along with the piccis of the furniture,Im half way there Edward lol
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Thanks so much for your kind words, really I am just trying to help, same as others in this thread, I think we all learn from each others posts.

    Keep on trying with the computer task, but there is something you should know...

    ...Computers are stupid

    Or maybe it is just their developers!

    The problem is they can't read our minds (yet)

    It is not our fault that they fail to understand what we want them to do.

    It is never too late to learn this stuff and it is just a bunch of tools.

    Remember if it is not intuitive then it is the developers fault not yours

    Doing a course will give you some foundation knowledge on which to place what you learn. Most libraries do them (if your library has not been shut down!!!)

    Gosh, I would like to be able to sleep so soundly without moving; one day last week I woke up wondering "how the hell did I get into this position", it was as if someone had been twisting my feet anti clockwise whilst holding my head still, facing the other way.

    I am still working on that exorcist neck twist!
    Please be nice to all MoneySavers. That’s the forum motto. Remember, the prime aim is to help provide info and resources. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your board’ then please bite the bullet and think of the bigger issue.
    • DavidP24
    • By DavidP24 29th Mar 17, 1:02 PM
    • 1,536 Posts
    • 916 Thanks
    DavidP24
    I am in Holland at the moment with work, so missed a lot of this thread, it seems that "my-user-name" has not posted for few weeks, hope everything is OK.
    Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 5:44 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I am in Holland at the moment with work, so missed a lot of this thread, it seems that "my-user-name" has not posted for few weeks, hope everything is OK.
    Originally posted by DavidP24
    Hi David,I was going to post tonight,how weird is that!!
    Last night I found the final piece to the jig saw and now I know why he suddenly upped and left me (no woman involved,wish it had of been that reason,that would of been a better reason than the one it actually is)
    I'm off to a residents meeting but will come back here tonight to explain the real and true reason he left me.But I'm ok David.......just
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 10:03 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Hi David,I was going to post tonight,how weird is that!!
    Last night I found the final piece to the jig saw and now I know why he suddenly upped and left me (no woman involved,wish it had of been that reason,that would of been a better reason than the one it actually is)
    I'm off to a residents meeting but will come back here tonight to explain the real and true reason he left me.But I'm ok David.......just
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    Update
    I came into contact with him a few days ago when he came onto the block to speak to a resident(residents committee work),this is the first time I came face to face with him since we had split ,we had words.....very bad words indeed.During this episode he kept saying "move on,move on with your life" that's all I kept hearing.

    Anyway I heard nothing until last night when he rang me up,asked me if I was ok and asked if he could try and explain things to me that he couldn't explain when he left me...........so I said yes.(I know,I need a good slapping)

    Last night he called to my home and I allowed him in,he was shocked to see my living room,its now a total transformation to what he remembers it to be.
    He started off giving the usual rubbish but once I spoke about money or the lack of money he gave while living with me,then everything changed and the truth finally came out.
    He said he gave me very little because it was more important to save money for his future,I said to him "your future??don't you mean our future?" to which he replied" no my future because when you reach 60 you was supposed to be getting a lump sum of around £20,000 plus from the 16 years you worked as a civil servant so I knew you would be ok and you would have your own money and I would have mine"(meaning I would have my own money and I wouldn't have to ask for any of his)

    However last November I asked for a pension forecast because I am due to receive it next January 2018.I was told it wouldn't be the amount I was told many years ago and the reason is because half way through the 16 years I changed my pension from classic to classic plus,a bad move on my part.I only changed the scheme because some man in a suit came to our workplace and persuaded me to change schemes and he told me I would get even more money when I retire.I found this out in November last year that my lump sum and monthly pension in 2018 would be a very low one ,strangely around the same time he changed towards me.

    He then said " a month or two before we separated I realised that because you will only be receiving a very small amount it will mean that I would have to look after you financially and I decided it was something I wasn't willing to do and this is the reason why I called it a day between us...........how do you answer that????

    Yes I wanted to go for his throat,yes I wanted him over the balcony but I remained calm and said a simple" ok,now its payback time,you can pay me back the money you didn't pay me in the 14 years we were together"I honestly thought he would tell me where to go but he said he would pay for the decorating Ive done in the hallway and living room and I refused point blank on that..Suddenly it became like a transaction,like we were a divorced couple sorting out our finances,I couldn't believe it was happening.Theres me actually negotiating a price of a 14 year relationship and this was the first time I had actually talked money with him.
    In the end I said "ok I,ll accept £7,000 and I think you've got a bargain with that" he agreed and shook my hand and then left after saying he will put it in my bank account by Wednesday of next week.
    Never in a million years did I think that would happen but it did.It was cold,he was cold and while this was going on I was cold too,I actually negotiated a deal on our 14 year relationship.I never slept last night,I kept on saying to myself"did that really happen"?? but it did.Where the hell I got the amount of £7,000 from I just don't know??
    Do I feel good about it??I don't know??did I slink down to his level?,yes I think I did.
    He was cold throughout all of this,hes a man I never really knew but last night is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.
    It does seem clear he probably never loved me at all and when Ive mentioned before I was just a landlady with the odd sex thrown in I guess it was just that and nothing else.
    I just haven't a clue what the hell happened last night??? what a weird ending????
    Sorry for it being so long winded,
    • elona
    • By elona 29th Mar 17, 10:33 PM
    • 10,896 Posts
    • 56,410 Thanks
    elona
    Gosh

    What a bucket of cold water poured over your head to find out what he said was the reason.

    So what is yours is ours and what is his is his financially.

    Have you a case for mis selling and compensation re the pension ? It could be worth investigating.

    I don't know what to say about his attitude to finance except that he sounds like a selfish person who just does not "get" the idea of a couple or partnership.

    Hugs
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 29th Mar 17, 10:42 PM
    • 22,124 Posts
    • 84,726 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

    Yipes.


    If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].


    In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:06 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Gosh

    What a bucket of cold water poured over your head to find out what he said was the reason.

    So what is yours is ours and what is his is his financially.

    Have you a case for mis selling and compensation re the pension ? It could be worth investigating.

    I don't know what to say about his attitude to finance except that he sounds like a selfish person who just does not "get" the idea of a couple or partnership.

    Hugs
    Originally posted by elona
    Yep a huge ice cold bucket elona but at least I finally have the reason and I can carry on with life knowing what it was and what kind of person he actually was throughout our relationship.
    Men eh??
    • pinkduvetdiva
    • By pinkduvetdiva 29th Mar 17, 11:10 PM
    • 344 Posts
    • 498 Thanks
    pinkduvetdiva
    Update
    I came into contact with him a few days ago when he came onto the block to speak to a resident(residents committee work),this is the first time I came face to face with him since we had split ,we had words.....very bad words indeed.During this episode he kept saying "move on,move on with your life" that's all I kept hearing.

    Anyway I heard nothing until last night when he rang me up,asked me if I was ok and asked if he could try and explain things to me that he couldn't explain when he left me...........so I said yes.(I know,I need a good slapping)

    Last night he called to my home and I allowed him in,he was shocked to see my living room,its now a total transformation to what he remembers it to be.
    He started off giving the usual rubbish but once I spoke about money or the lack of money he gave while living with me,then everything changed and the truth finally came out.
    He said he gave me very little because it was more important to save money for his future,I said to him "your future??don't you mean our future?" to which he replied" no my future because when you reach 60 you was supposed to be getting a lump sum of around £20,000 plus from the 16 years you worked as a civil servant so I knew you would be ok and you would have your own money and I would have mine"(meaning I would have my own money and I wouldn't have to ask for any of his)

    However last November I asked for a pension forecast because I am due to receive it next January 2018.I was told it wouldn't be the amount I was told many years ago and the reason is because half way through the 16 years I changed my pension from classic to classic plus,a bad move on my part.I only changed the scheme because some man in a suit came to our workplace and persuaded me to change schemes and he told me I would get even more money when I retire.I found this out in November last year that my lump sum and monthly pension in 2018 would be a very low one ,strangely around the same time he changed towards me.

    He then said " a month or two before we separated I realised that because you will only be receiving a very small amount it will mean that I would have to look after you financially and I decided it was something I wasn't willing to do and this is the reason why I called it a day between us...........how do you answer that????

    Yes I wanted to go for his throat,yes I wanted him over the balcony but I remained calm and said a simple" ok,now its payback time,you can pay me back the money you didn't pay me in the 14 years we were together"I honestly thought he would tell me where to go but he said he would pay for the decorating Ive done in the hallway and living room and I refused point blank on that..Suddenly it became like a transaction,like we were a divorced couple sorting out our finances,I couldn't believe it was happening.Theres me actually negotiating a price of a 14 year relationship and this was the first time I had actually talked money with him.
    In the end I said "ok I,ll accept £7,000 and I think you've got a bargain with that" he agreed and shook my hand and then left after saying he will put it in my bank account by Wednesday of next week.
    Never in a million years did I think that would happen but it did.It was cold,he was cold and while this was going on I was cold too,I actually negotiated a deal on our 14 year relationship.I never slept last night,I kept on saying to myself"did that really happen"?? but it did.Where the hell I got the amount of £7,000 from I just don't know??
    Do I feel good about it??I don't know??did I slink down to his level?,yes I think I did.
    He was cold throughout all of this,hes a man I never really knew but last night is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.
    It does seem clear he probably never loved me at all and when Ive mentioned before I was just a landlady with the odd sex thrown in I guess it was just that and nothing else.
    I just haven't a clue what the hell happened last night??? what a weird ending????
    Sorry for it being so long winded,
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

    But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:13 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

    Yipes.


    If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].


    In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted

    Its not that he wanted to get his claws into my money Jojo,it was the fact he didn't want my claws getting into his money.If I was to receive the original amount then I wouldn't of needed to make him help me financially so basically if it was the original amount then I would of still paid half towards any future holidays or treats and I would still pay my own half if we had gone out for meal etc.The thought of me not having money made him run for the hills.
    There wasn't only me who fell for this blokes patter,a few others did too but at the time he came into our workplace I was on my own so I thought if I pay extra then I,ll have more when I retire,forward planning and all that.A few collegues said don't touchit with a barg pole but I did and so did others.I cant do anything until I actually get the money next January then I will take it further.Ive spoken to POA and they just shook their heads and said I was stupid for signing up for it,they said if it sounds too good to be true then it usually is.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:17 PM
    • 252 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    my-user-name
    The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

    But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx
    Originally posted by pinkduvetdiva
    You see pink,they actually might of made a mistake,Im not 100% they are correct.
    In 1997 I joined the civil service and was on "classic" pension,the bloke came in 2001 I think and it was then I changed to "classic plus".The person who I spoke to on the phone in November didn't actually sound clued up so maybe ,just maybe she might of given me the figures of just one of the pension lump sum and not combined both together.
    God that would be a turn up for the books lol
    Id put a advert in our local papers if they got it wrong lol
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 30th Mar 17, 7:11 AM
    • 2,277 Posts
    • 6,959 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    You can get details of the different civil service pension schemes online. Would be worth printing of a summary of the two different schemes. Also, pension advisers will be very familiar with them, so you'd easily be able to get proper help to find out if necessary.

    The old civil service pensions schemes were good. I don't think your pot will have vanished or shrank that much.

    Edit: Having looked into it further, my guess below isn't correct:

    Is it possible that the civil service plus scheme provided a larger pot for a delayed retirement? e.g. at 65 years instead of 60? We had something similar with the NHS pensions a while back. If so, you'd be right that you don't get anything this year, but you might have something good coming in a few years.
    Last edited by LannieDuck; 30-03-2017 at 9:07 AM.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • spirit
    • By spirit 30th Mar 17, 7:38 AM
    • 2,567 Posts
    • 5,528 Thanks
    spirit
    Good grief MUN, what a piece of filth he is isn't he!


    He is a conniving, mercenary, cold hearted idiot and yes, you are well rid.


    Going by the sort of person he seems to be, I wouldn't put it past him cheating and setting some other meal ticket up.


    I don't know about pensions, but agree you should investigate that.
    Keep us posted.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 30th Mar 17, 7:49 AM
    • 7,435 Posts
    • 25,120 Thanks
    Primrose
    Well, if the £7,000 ever appears in your bank account, buy premium bonds with it and I hope you rapidly win the £1 million prize. That would really be getting your quiet revenge for some truly horrible treatment. I feel for you. There is nothing you can do about it except to be grateful that you're not having to spend the rest of your life with somebody who was prepared to treat you so heartlessly.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 30th Mar 17, 8:07 AM
    • 16,978 Posts
    • 41,255 Thanks
    Pollycat
    TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

    What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
    You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
    I don't think you sank down to his level.
    In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
    But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
    It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

    Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
    I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

    Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)?

    I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

    I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
    Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.
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