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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
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    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 20
    • elona
    • By elona 29th Mar 17, 10:33 PM
    • 11,247 Posts
    • 59,935 Thanks
    elona
    Gosh

    What a bucket of cold water poured over your head to find out what he said was the reason.

    So what is yours is ours and what is his is his financially.

    Have you a case for mis selling and compensation re the pension ? It could be worth investigating.

    I don't know what to say about his attitude to finance except that he sounds like a selfish person who just does not "get" the idea of a couple or partnership.

    Hugs
    "This site is addictive!"
    Wooligan 2 squares for smoky - 3 squares for HTA
    Preemie hats - 2.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 29th Mar 17, 10:42 PM
    • 23,232 Posts
    • 90,131 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

    Yipes.


    If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].


    In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:06 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Gosh

    What a bucket of cold water poured over your head to find out what he said was the reason.

    So what is yours is ours and what is his is his financially.

    Have you a case for mis selling and compensation re the pension ? It could be worth investigating.

    I don't know what to say about his attitude to finance except that he sounds like a selfish person who just does not "get" the idea of a couple or partnership.

    Hugs
    Originally posted by elona
    Yep a huge ice cold bucket elona but at least I finally have the reason and I can carry on with life knowing what it was and what kind of person he actually was throughout our relationship.
    Men eh??
    • pinkduvetdiva
    • By pinkduvetdiva 29th Mar 17, 11:10 PM
    • 344 Posts
    • 503 Thanks
    pinkduvetdiva
    Update
    I came into contact with him a few days ago when he came onto the block to speak to a resident(residents committee work),this is the first time I came face to face with him since we had split ,we had words.....very bad words indeed.During this episode he kept saying "move on,move on with your life" that's all I kept hearing.

    Anyway I heard nothing until last night when he rang me up,asked me if I was ok and asked if he could try and explain things to me that he couldn't explain when he left me...........so I said yes.(I know,I need a good slapping)

    Last night he called to my home and I allowed him in,he was shocked to see my living room,its now a total transformation to what he remembers it to be.
    He started off giving the usual rubbish but once I spoke about money or the lack of money he gave while living with me,then everything changed and the truth finally came out.
    He said he gave me very little because it was more important to save money for his future,I said to him "your future??don't you mean our future?" to which he replied" no my future because when you reach 60 you was supposed to be getting a lump sum of around £20,000 plus from the 16 years you worked as a civil servant so I knew you would be ok and you would have your own money and I would have mine"(meaning I would have my own money and I wouldn't have to ask for any of his)

    However last November I asked for a pension forecast because I am due to receive it next January 2018.I was told it wouldn't be the amount I was told many years ago and the reason is because half way through the 16 years I changed my pension from classic to classic plus,a bad move on my part.I only changed the scheme because some man in a suit came to our workplace and persuaded me to change schemes and he told me I would get even more money when I retire.I found this out in November last year that my lump sum and monthly pension in 2018 would be a very low one ,strangely around the same time he changed towards me.

    He then said " a month or two before we separated I realised that because you will only be receiving a very small amount it will mean that I would have to look after you financially and I decided it was something I wasn't willing to do and this is the reason why I called it a day between us...........how do you answer that????

    Yes I wanted to go for his throat,yes I wanted him over the balcony but I remained calm and said a simple" ok,now its payback time,you can pay me back the money you didn't pay me in the 14 years we were together"I honestly thought he would tell me where to go but he said he would pay for the decorating Ive done in the hallway and living room and I refused point blank on that..Suddenly it became like a transaction,like we were a divorced couple sorting out our finances,I couldn't believe it was happening.Theres me actually negotiating a price of a 14 year relationship and this was the first time I had actually talked money with him.
    In the end I said "ok I,ll accept £7,000 and I think you've got a bargain with that" he agreed and shook my hand and then left after saying he will put it in my bank account by Wednesday of next week.
    Never in a million years did I think that would happen but it did.It was cold,he was cold and while this was going on I was cold too,I actually negotiated a deal on our 14 year relationship.I never slept last night,I kept on saying to myself"did that really happen"?? but it did.Where the hell I got the amount of £7,000 from I just don't know??
    Do I feel good about it??I don't know??did I slink down to his level?,yes I think I did.
    He was cold throughout all of this,hes a man I never really knew but last night is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.
    It does seem clear he probably never loved me at all and when Ive mentioned before I was just a landlady with the odd sex thrown in I guess it was just that and nothing else.
    I just haven't a clue what the hell happened last night??? what a weird ending????
    Sorry for it being so long winded,
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

    But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:13 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    He was living off you because he thought he'd get his claws into your retirement pot?

    Yipes.


    If I were you, (or if you were me, because I'm an utter cow when faced with scamming leeches) I'd casually mention in your last ever phonecall before blocking him, a while after the money appears in your account (IF), that you sought financial advice on how best to deal with it and, whilst you were there, they've looked into the pension thing and you're actually going to get about £97,000. Ah well, who'd have thunk it, especially as it was only after he mentioned the decreased payout that you were reminded to ask more about it? Live and learn, eh. Bye. [end call, BLOCK].


    In the meantime, I'd suggest you look into pensions misselling, as there *might* be something that could be done about it.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted

    Its not that he wanted to get his claws into my money Jojo,it was the fact he didn't want my claws getting into his money.If I was to receive the original amount then I wouldn't of needed to make him help me financially so basically if it was the original amount then I would of still paid half towards any future holidays or treats and I would still pay my own half if we had gone out for meal etc.The thought of me not having money made him run for the hills.
    There wasn't only me who fell for this blokes patter,a few others did too but at the time he came into our workplace I was on my own so I thought if I pay extra then I,ll have more when I retire,forward planning and all that.A few collegues said don't touchit with a barg pole but I did and so did others.I cant do anything until I actually get the money next January then I will take it further.Ive spoken to POA and they just shook their heads and said I was stupid for signing up for it,they said if it sounds too good to be true then it usually is.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 29th Mar 17, 11:17 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    The grasping little *insert your own word of choice here* - I agree with Jojo - wait until the £7000 appears, and then tell him that the pension peopl had made a mistake, and you're due to get shedloads of cash. Unlucky, mate.

    But seriously, you have dodged a bullet here. Take the ball, and the £7k and run with them both. Never look back. xxxx
    Originally posted by pinkduvetdiva
    You see pink,they actually might of made a mistake,Im not 100% they are correct.
    In 1997 I joined the civil service and was on "classic" pension,the bloke came in 2001 I think and it was then I changed to "classic plus".The person who I spoke to on the phone in November didn't actually sound clued up so maybe ,just maybe she might of given me the figures of just one of the pension lump sum and not combined both together.
    God that would be a turn up for the books lol
    Id put a advert in our local papers if they got it wrong lol
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 30th Mar 17, 7:11 AM
    • 2,275 Posts
    • 6,978 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    You can get details of the different civil service pension schemes online. Would be worth printing of a summary of the two different schemes. Also, pension advisers will be very familiar with them, so you'd easily be able to get proper help to find out if necessary.

    The old civil service pensions schemes were good. I don't think your pot will have vanished or shrank that much.

    Edit: Having looked into it further, my guess below isn't correct:

    Is it possible that the civil service plus scheme provided a larger pot for a delayed retirement? e.g. at 65 years instead of 60? We had something similar with the NHS pensions a while back. If so, you'd be right that you don't get anything this year, but you might have something good coming in a few years.
    Last edited by LannieDuck; 30-03-2017 at 9:07 AM.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • spirit
    • By spirit 30th Mar 17, 7:38 AM
    • 2,605 Posts
    • 5,630 Thanks
    spirit
    Good grief MUN, what a piece of filth he is isn't he!


    He is a conniving, mercenary, cold hearted idiot and yes, you are well rid.


    Going by the sort of person he seems to be, I wouldn't put it past him cheating and setting some other meal ticket up.


    I don't know about pensions, but agree you should investigate that.
    Keep us posted.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 30th Mar 17, 7:49 AM
    • 7,786 Posts
    • 26,115 Thanks
    Primrose
    Well, if the £7,000 ever appears in your bank account, buy premium bonds with it and I hope you rapidly win the £1 million prize. That would really be getting your quiet revenge for some truly horrible treatment. I feel for you. There is nothing you can do about it except to be grateful that you're not having to spend the rest of your life with somebody who was prepared to treat you so heartlessly.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 30th Mar 17, 8:07 AM
    • 18,311 Posts
    • 46,863 Thanks
    Pollycat
    TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

    What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
    You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
    I don't think you sank down to his level.
    In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
    But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
    It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

    Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
    I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

    Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)?

    I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

    I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
    Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 30th Mar 17, 8:57 AM
    • 2,275 Posts
    • 6,978 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

    What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
    You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
    I don't think you sank down to his level.
    In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
    But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
    It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

    Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
    I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

    Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)?

    I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

    I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
    Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Oh yes, good idea. They'll almost certainly know the schemes you're talking about.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 30th Mar 17, 9:05 AM
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    • 6,978 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    Classic: http://www.civilservicepensionscheme.org.uk/media/181385/ycpbe-april16-v1.pdf

    Classic plus: http://www.civilservicepensionscheme.org.uk/media/181386/ycppbe_apr16v1.pdf

    My (very brief) reading of them suggests they're both payable at age 60.

    Classic plus means that you should get 1/60 of your final pensionable
    earnings for every year of reckonable service in the scheme from 1 October 2002 (and I think your transferred pension from Classic counted as post-2002 for these purposes, called 'premium').

    There was a lump-sum payment available in Classic, but I don't think there is in Classic Plus. Although I think you can choose to create one:

    You will also be able to choose to give up some of the premium part of your pension for a lump sum. You can take up to a maximum of 30/7 x your premium pension, but you must give up £1 of pension for each £12 of lump sum.

    But yeah, the pensions board is the place that will know all this stuff for sure.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 30th Mar 17, 9:16 AM
    • 18,311 Posts
    • 46,863 Thanks
    Pollycat

    Classic plus means that you should get 1/60 of your final pensionable
    earnings for every year of reckonable service in the scheme from 1 October 2002 (and I think your transferred pension from Classic counted as post-2002 for these purposes, called 'premium').

    There was a lump-sum payment available in Classic, but I don't think there is in Classic Plus. Although I think you can choose to create one:

    You will also be able to choose to give up some of the premium part of your pension for a lump sum. You can take up to a maximum of 30/7 x your premium pension, but you must give up £1 of pension for each £12 of lump sum.

    But yeah, the pensions board is the place that will know all this stuff for sure.
    Originally posted by LannieDuck
    I wonder if this is similar to the old Royal Mail scheme (who were originally part of the Civil service until - I think - October 1969 as the GPO) so maybe reasonable to think there are/were similarities).

    The old RM scheme was an 'eightieth' scheme with 1/80th for each year of service and a lump sum of 3/80ths.

    Years on they introduced a new scheme which was a 'sixtieth' one with 1/60th for every year of service but no lump sum.
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 30th Mar 17, 9:19 AM
    • 2,275 Posts
    • 6,978 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    I wonder if this is similar to the old Royal Mail scheme (who were originally part of the Civil service until - I think - October 1969 as the GPO) so maybe reasonable to think there are/were similarities).

    The old RM scheme was an 'eightieth' scheme with 1/80th for each year of service and a lump sum of 3/80ths.

    Years on they introduced a new scheme which was a 'sixtieth' one with 1/60th for every year of service but no lump sum.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Yes, i think that sounds exactly the same.

    OP - when you were told you weren't getting a lump-sum this year, did they say that you'd nonetheless start getting your annual pension through?
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • Peanuts&Woodstock
    • By Peanuts&Woodstock 30th Mar 17, 10:50 AM
    • 8 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Peanuts&Woodstock
    Sorry to hear it sounds awful and you'll be grieving. Crying does help to wash away upsets, different people like to do it in different way. A hot beverage like tea and alone is good for me followed a shower and then attempt to sleep, crying is exhausting and we need our sleep to maintain a healthy body.

    I wonder if it will help to sit back and think of each of the 14 years and make a list of at least one positive each year (there might not be one for 2017 so just leave this one out because it's been less than a quarter of it anyway).

    We can't control others' interpretations of things so thing about you're own positive memories at first.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 30th Mar 17, 3:09 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    TBH, if you'd posted your update as a first post, I'd have found it incredibly hard to believe.

    What a selfish, cold, calculating and mean person he is!
    You are well out of that relationship - but you already know that..
    I don't think you sank down to his level.
    In fact I think £500 per annum for 14 years was selling yourself short.
    But, if he follows through, you will have a nice nest-egg.
    It would have been interesting to know how his 'my money is mine' attitude worked if he ever became ill and had to depend on you.

    Re the pension - who was this 'man in a suit'?
    I assume he was authorised to come into your workplace?

    Who or what is POA (who said you were stupid)

    I'd do as LannieDuck advises and see if you can find values for both schemes.

    I'd also post on the Pensions and Annuities board.
    Lots of good people on there, some who are IFAs, who will give you no-nonsense, non-judgemental advice.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Hi Pollycat,
    The POA was the union I belonged to when I was in the civil service,it was them who said I was stupid.
    The man in the suit??? he belonged to Weslyn who dealt with our pensions.Ever such a nice man,gggrrrhhhh at the time of him coming to our place of work I was on my own and I remember thinking about my precious mam who died when she was 72,she was still working because she only had her small widows pension and I was determined I wasn't going to do the same so when he was telling me all these figures I could receive if I changed from classic to classic plus well I,ll be honest and I just saw pounds signs in front of me.
    At the time I was paying around £18 a month towards my pension,it majorly went up once I signed up but I thought it would benefit for my future.
    The person that he is now is nothing like the one I spent 14 years with,I cant believe how much he has changed in such a short time.To be honest its like hes so angry with me and when I say angry I mean really angry,all I can say is its like he actually hates me....but why??? I cocked up good style on my pension and yes I was stupid to listen to the man in a suit but theres nothing I can do about it.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 30th Mar 17, 3:22 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    I found some links on the internet last night Lannie and they totally contradicted what the prison service told me when I rang them back in November last year.
    All prison staff know its impossible to get a right answer from them when you ring them up,in fact I rang up twice to enquire and both times I was told different things.
    The classic which I was in from 1997 to 2002 gives me a lump sum plus a monthly pension.Now I was told I would be able to give up a pound of my pension for a bigger lump sum which sounds good.
    Then in 2002 to 2013 I was in Classic Plus and I paid more than double that I paid when I was in the Classic scheme.On the phone they told me I would not be entitled to a lump sum on the Classic Plus scheme,all I would get would be a monthly pension and nothing else.They said I couldn't give up the "one pound of my pension because I'm not allowed a lump sum on the Classic Plus scheme.

    However looking on the internet last night it says the opposite so now I'm completely confused.???
    It would be complete karma if the prison service gave me the wrong information and I am in fact due a better deal than they said I would be having.
    Sorry if it sounds confusing.

    I'm 60 in January and its then I will be receiving God knows what.I have to contact them 3 months before January to start filling in forms to get it in time for my 60th.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    I also paid throughout the 16 years something called widows benefit even though I was single,they did tell me I could claim every penny back when I reach 60 but only if I'm not married by then,sweet Jesus that isn't going to happen lol
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 30th Mar 17, 3:30 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Sorry to hear it sounds awful and you'll be grieving. Crying does help to wash away upsets, different people like to do it in different way. A hot beverage like tea and alone is good for me followed a shower and then attempt to sleep, crying is exhausting and we need our sleep to maintain a healthy body.

    I wonder if it will help to sit back and think of each of the 14 years and make a list of at least one positive each year (there might not be one for 2017 so just leave this one out because it's been less than a quarter of it anyway).

    We can't control others' interpretations of things so thing about you're own positive memories at first.
    Originally posted by Peanuts&Woodstock
    Hi Peanuts,
    Thankfully I stopped crying about him a while ago,however its now I feel numb(especially after the other night and what actually came out of his mouth).I'm numb because Ive realised he probably never loved me at all even from the very beginning of us getting together .Its the money talk we had which has left a bad taste in my mouth,it was just all so clinical and cold,it was like he was paying me off and for the life of me I cant understand why I told him it was pay back time and he needs to pay me something for allowing this to happen during our relationship,at times I feel like I'm as bad as him and I don't like that feeling one bit.
    Don't get me wrong,theres no way I would offer it back to him,Im numb....but I'm not dumb,or maybe I am for allowing this to happen.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 30th Mar 17, 3:33 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    Yes, i think that sounds exactly the same.

    OP - when you were told you weren't getting a lump-sum this year, did they say that you'd nonetheless start getting your annual pension through?
    Originally posted by LannieDuck
    From what I can remember about the 2 phone calls to them,they said I would get around £5,000 lump sum and a pension of around £200 a month.
    Bloody man in a suit didn't say that way back in 2002
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 30th Mar 17, 3:40 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    This is what I found on the CLASSIC PLUS website.
    Getting your pension The pension payroll provider pays pensions to Civil Service pensioners and to civil servants’ dependants, where appropriate. You will receive an annual pension and a oneoff lump sum. The pension payroll provider will pay your lump sum direct to either your bank or building society account, whichever you indicate on your Personal Details Form. The provider will pay your pension every month in arrears, directly into your bank or building society account. Your pension will be treated as earned income for tax purposes; any tax that is due is taken off before the pension is paid.

    We work out your pension in two parts. You earn 1/80 of your final pensionable earnings for each year of reckonable service in the scheme before 1 October 2002 and 1/60 of your final pensionable earnings for every year of reckonable service in the scheme from 1 October 2002. Pension at scheme pension age (60) Example Lloyd retires after 30 years’ service of which 20 years were in classic (before 1 October 2002) and 10 years were in premium (from 1 October 2002). Lloyd’s final pensionable earnings are £20,000 a year. Pension Lloyd’s pension is made up of two elements, worked out as follows: classic service (1/80 x 20) x £20,000 = £5,000 premium service (1/60 x 10) x £20,000 = £3,333.32 Total = £8,333.32 Automatic lump sum Lloyd will get an automatic lump sum relating to his classic service of 3/80 x 20 x £20,000 = £15,000. (This will be tax free, subject to the Lifetime Allowance.) Please note that the lump sum will be reduced if you owe some scheme contributions.

    Does this actually mean I will be getting a lump sum and pension on the classic plus scheme??the phone calls said I wouldn't get a lump sum,only a pension.
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