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  • FIRST POST
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    • 256Posts
    • 963Thanks
    my-user-name
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope
    • #1
    • 28th Jan 17, 11:54 AM
    14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope 28th Jan 17 at 11:54 AM
    Things always seemed fine in our relationship,he told me he loved me everyday,told everyone hes happy,I thought he was happy.
    But at times he could be hard work,never actually opening up if anything was bothering him but I thought everything was fine
    We had a row beginning of January and things went downhill from then.
    Last week after 14 years he finally did open up....to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship has reached the end of the road.
    This morning he left,he even slipped out of the home while I was in another room,no good byes,no nothing.
    I'm in shock, Im hurt,I m angry and cant believe this is happening.If this has happened to you,how did you cope in the early days,just looking for advice if possible please.
Page 18
    • EdwardB
    • By EdwardB 9th Mar 17, 8:57 PM
    • 412 Posts
    • 329 Thanks
    EdwardB
    Zzzzzz
    No more drama Edward but the past 2 days have been a bit yucky I think.I haven't thought much about him at all.....until 2 days ago.
    Now I'm constantly thinking that by now he,ll be over the initial shock of moving out and will probably be enjoying his new place and freedom and getting used to his new life.
    Havent a clue why I'm thinking this way but I am.
    I'm keeping busy so its not as if I'm sat here thinking about him all the time on my own but for the past 2 days its been on my mind and I cant shake it off no matter how busy I am.
    Ive not mentioned this but since he left Ive only slept in my bed about 4 times and that's never during the week.Ive been sleeping on my settee since he left,I think(and only think) its because I'm scared to oversleep for work.This month I'm starting work at 8am instead of 9am so sleeping on the settee means I cant go into a deep sleep like I do in bed,having crappy sleeps on the settee does mean that I get up in time for work.
    It tends to be either Friday or Saturday that I do actually go to bed but even then I'm not sleeping through.Maybe this will pass but it is knackering me a lot.
    Maybe its just tiredness which is bringing him back in my thoughts once again.
    Seeing as its way past 3am I don't even think I,ll be sleeping on the settee,I,ll probably stay awake until its time to work.
    Just wish I could shake this yucky sickly feeling off,I only get it when I'm thinking of him.Hope Kirklees prediction about it coming back and biting me on the bum isn't happening
    Sorry for whinging

    (The lady in the You Tube clip,I could listen to her all night!)
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    It is perfectly normal that your mind will go back over things, it is early days and you are just processing, 14 years is a long time and a lot of habits are formed, so stands to reason you will to and fro.

    Now that sleep thing is concerning because it is cumulative and we need a good night’s sleep, I find it really affects my productivity. I used to work for an American company and we were "expected" to work till their day ended, well I saw too many people burn out and declined to do it. I was one of the most productive people there.

    I wonder if the bed avoidance is something subconciously to do with it being a former place where you were together? Although, if that were it I would expect it to be the same for the weekend. As I said, loss of sleep is cumulative, so the longer you go without the more the impact.

    I think you are going to go back and forth from time to time, but the tiredness may affect your desire to focus on other things.

    I know that sickly feeling, I have been told it is subconscious anxiety, bit like the way you lose your legs when you see something really shocking like a child on a resuscitation trolley.

    I think you should try to tackle this sofa thing; this weekend put an alarm you can depend on in your bedroom, it must me out of arms reach so you have to get up to turn it off. This won't always be the case but because you are already run down there is a chance you will turn it off and drift back into sleep. If you do not have an alarm get a cheap one this weekend till you find something better.

    Not sure if you were kidding about Rachel, she is a bright cookie and was years ahead when you think her videos were made 5+ years ago, she is one of those lucky people that has a job in an area that she clearly loves.

    Now I would not worry about thinking about Mr Ex, you have already shown you are detaching at a healthy rate and it will take time. I am sure that you found with your loss after your parents there were times when you dropped back into a sorrow moment.
    Remember that as each day passes you will feel better and better.

    So assembling this IKEA furniture will be quite cathartic in that it will probably drive you nuts, you will get to 85% and realise you have put one piece on backward so have to dismantle everything and start over. You will then get to 95% and realise you are missing a screw, or that the instructions are for a different one in the range. So by the end of it you will be ready for a punchbag or just be so mentally exhausted that you will get a decent night’s sleep!

    Please be nice to all MoneySavers. That’s the forum motto. Remember, the prime aim is to help provide info and resources. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your board’ then please bite the bullet and think of the bigger issue.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 10th Mar 17, 1:30 AM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    It is perfectly normal that your mind will go back over things, it is early days and you are just processing, 14 years is a long time and a lot of habits are formed, so stands to reason you will to and fro.

    Now that sleep thing is concerning because it is cumulative and we need a good night’s sleep, I find it really affects my productivity. I used to work for an American company and we were "expected" to work till their day ended, well I saw too many people burn out and declined to do it. I was one of the most productive people there.

    I wonder if the bed avoidance is something subconciously to do with it being a former place where you were together? Although, if that were it I would expect it to be the same for the weekend. As I said, loss of sleep is cumulative, so the longer you go without the more the impact.

    I think you are going to go back and forth from time to time, but the tiredness may affect your desire to focus on other things.

    I know that sickly feeling, I have been told it is subconscious anxiety, bit like the way you lose your legs when you see something really shocking like a child on a resuscitation trolley.

    I think you should try to tackle this sofa thing; this weekend put an alarm you can depend on in your bedroom, it must me out of arms reach so you have to get up to turn it off. This won't always be the case but because you are already run down there is a chance you will turn it off and drift back into sleep. If you do not have an alarm get a cheap one this weekend till you find something better.

    Not sure if you were kidding about Rachel, she is a bright cookie and was years ahead when you think her videos were made 5+ years ago, she is one of those lucky people that has a job in an area that she clearly loves.

    Now I would not worry about thinking about Mr Ex, you have already shown you are detaching at a healthy rate and it will take time. I am sure that you found with your loss after your parents there were times when you dropped back into a sorrow moment.
    Remember that as each day passes you will feel better and better.

    So assembling this IKEA furniture will be quite cathartic in that it will probably drive you nuts, you will get to 85% and realise you have put one piece on backward so have to dismantle everything and start over. You will then get to 95% and realise you are missing a screw, or that the instructions are for a different one in the range. So by the end of it you will be ready for a punchbag or just be so mentally exhausted that you will get a decent night’s sleep!

    Originally posted by EdwardB
    This sleep thing is worrying me too Edward
    One of the good things about my relationship with him while he was with me was the fact he could get me up in the mornings.I never had this problem until the problems with my thyroid began,that was over 3 years ago but as far as I'm aware everythings fine on that now.
    The problem I have is I just don't hear any of the 3 alarms I have in my bedroom,all 3 are in different parts of the room,all have different alarms to them and I never hear any of them
    .A few times if he was up before me he would allow the alarm clocks to continue until I turned them off myself,sometimes they would be ringing 20,30,40 mins before I woke up and switched them off.He often said while these were going off I never flinched once,in fact he said I was "dead to the world"
    If I sleep on the settee I will have the tv on and also have the light on too,that stops me from going into a deep sleep,in fact I wake up every half hour most of the times.Although this is draining and annoying at least I know I wont oversleep for work.
    The odd times Ive gone to bed and this is only at the weekends I have no trouble going to sleep,I still don't hear the alarms but that's ok because I have no work to go to.
    The one thing I cant understand though is my car boot mornings,all he had to do when he was with me was to whisper in my ear"its car boot day" and Id be up like a shot.
    Because I only live a 10 min walk to work I have no excuse to be late.

    No I'm not kidding about Rachael!! I think shes a excellent speaker!! people like that I could listen to for hours.

    As for my new furniture which is still in its flat pack,I think I'm keeping it flat packed until I have painted and decorated my living room,I start it this week
    One thing I love and adore is glittery things(I'm definatly a magpie!) anything with glitter sends me over the top,thats why I love Christmas so much.Anyway Ive found wallpaper for 3 of my walls and it has glitter throughout and I love it!!Its not "too in your face" but its bloody gorgeous.Ive asked a few times when I was with him if we could have glittery wallpaper,well you can guess what the answer was but now its different.Ive taken samples to work to show my work mates and they think its lovely so that gives me the confidance to go for it.It wont be everyones cup of tea but for those who know me the best will expect me to have something like this on my walls lol Now I'm just looking to find a special wallpaper for the one main wall in my living room.
    I'm going to have a go at the flat pack but getting one of the cabinets on to the wall then not a chance of doing that myself,Id be lethal lol
    Once I have finished the living room then I will know 100% it will be my own choice and nobody elses and at the end of the day it will make me happy.
    • calicocat
    • By calicocat 10th Mar 17, 4:26 AM
    • 4,679 Posts
    • 22,040 Thanks
    calicocat
    I would say having the wobbly days is perfectly normal , you won't be able to wipe out 14 yrs of your life and feelings in a few weeks. So don't beat yourself up about that, but the frequency, and intensity will lessen in time. Then one day , you will suddenly think ...hey....that doesn't happen anymore and you won't have any clear day when it happened, it just did.

    To the person who thinks it's only weirdos that post at 4.30 am..........I work night shift so am often up at stupid o'clock posting or reading....... Also I guess there are probably more people out there with insomnia than we reolise , or have physical problems with pain that would have someone awake at odd hours........ you never know..

    I would deffo decorate before building the furniture. People are right about building it yourself, it gets very frustrating, you will swear a lot, want to cry if you haven't done it before, want to throw it off the balcony too............then hours later....you have done it. And everything in the world seems alright again. Once you have built one thing, it gets easier, so start off with something smaller you know you can physically manage on your own from a size point of view.

    I'll wager nice mr housing/council/ hugs guy would have a drill, he may be an excellent choice to ask for a bit of help with fixing to walls ? Another time if you shop there again and don't want to build, they do a building service, which costs obviously, but maybe worth it if you were doing a whole room full of stuff in one go...especially if big stuff as you will need decent amount of floor space to build.

    Can't remember my first Ikea build, but I did want to smash it up , but felt seriously smug once I'd done it. It may be time for you to buy your first power tool, chicks with power tools always rock.

    Sleeping...could you put an alarm under your pillow, would that work ?...or all of them under your pillow. I think you can also buy siren alarm clocks..that should wake you. Re : the anxiety / sickly feeling, if it is at night anxiety and sleep Hypnos apps may help a bit.

    A friend of mine has just been told by her bloke they will give it until the end of next month to see if they are working out, if not then it's over. ( to me that translates as.....it Is over and you have a month to sort what you are doing next). She is in a right pickle, went part time at work (mutual decision) a few months ago, it's his house, she has no savings or assets etc....a right mess. So you and I can at least think ourselves lucky that we have our own place that no-one can touch, we haven't been up-rooted, and are financially stable ( well in as much as anyone can be in these times, jobs disappear all the time). We can plan nice things like how to redecorate, and have our own little castle to feel safe in.

    When is the decorating starting ? .
    Last edited by calicocat; 10-03-2017 at 4:31 AM.
    Yep...still at it, working out how to retire early..
    • EdwardB
    • By EdwardB 10th Mar 17, 12:43 PM
    • 412 Posts
    • 329 Thanks
    EdwardB
    This sleep thing is worrying me too Edward
    One of the good things about my relationship with him while he was with me was the fact he could get me up in the mornings.I never had this problem until the problems with my thyroid began,that was over 3 years ago but as far as I'm aware everythings fine on that now.
    The problem I have is I just don't hear any of the 3 alarms I have in my bedroom,all 3 are in different parts of the room,all have different alarms to them and I never hear any of them
    .A few times if he was up before me he would allow the alarm clocks to continue until I turned them off myself,sometimes they would be ringing 20,30,40 mins before I woke up and switched them off.He often said while these were going off I never flinched once,in fact he said I was "dead to the world"
    If I sleep on the settee I will have the tv on and also have the light on too,that stops me from going into a deep sleep,in fact I wake up every half hour most of the times.Although this is draining and annoying at least I know I wont oversleep for work.
    The odd times Ive gone to bed and this is only at the weekends I have no trouble going to sleep,I still don't hear the alarms but that's ok because I have no work to go to.
    The one thing I cant understand though is my car boot mornings,all he had to do when he was with me was to whisper in my ear"its car boot day" and Id be up like a shot.
    Because I only live a 10 min walk to work I have no excuse to be late.

    No I'm not kidding about Rachael!! I think shes a excellent speaker!! people like that I could listen to for hours.

    As for my new furniture which is still in its flat pack,I think I'm keeping it flat packed until I have painted and decorated my living room,I start it this week
    One thing I love and adore is glittery things(I'm definatly a magpie!) anything with glitter sends me over the top,thats why I love Christmas so much.Anyway Ive found wallpaper for 3 of my walls and it has glitter throughout and I love it!!Its not "too in your face" but its bloody gorgeous.Ive asked a few times when I was with him if we could have glittery wallpaper,well you can guess what the answer was but now its different.Ive taken samples to work to show my work mates and they think its lovely so that gives me the confidance to go for it.It wont be everyones cup of tea but for those who know me the best will expect me to have something like this on my walls lol Now I'm just looking to find a special wallpaper for the one main wall in my living room.
    I'm going to have a go at the flat pack but getting one of the cabinets on to the wall then not a chance of doing that myself,Id be lethal lol
    Once I have finished the living room then I will know 100% it will be my own choice and nobody elses and at the end of the day it will make me happy.
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    My personal feeling is that you have to take ownership of the sleep issue, as part of your self-development. Sleep is all about routine, so if you know you need 7 hours and need to be up at 6 you know you need "head on pillow" at 22:45, but also you need to wind down, so no computers or ipad for an hour before, then a ceremony of a hot choc, malt drink or decaf coffee, then a brushing of teeth and perhaps some reading. BTW most decaf coffee is not decaf at all, they add a sedative to counter. Forcing this routine on yourself, just until it become set is part of it.

    The stopping the tech is important, the light alone causes a hormone keeps you awake, in fact I would put phone on Do Not Disturb at 20:30 and read or watch a movie on tv with brightness set to lowest setting. Again, it is all about teaching your subconscious the routine.

    However as you also have medical needs, you might want to ask your GP if they think melatonin is a good option for you, it can be obtained from health food shops. It is good at regulating sleep; it just gives you that sleepy feeling, but it is up to you to respond to it, if you "push through it", it will not help and it needs the commitment to the routine.

    Finally, I guess it is about what sort of alarms you have, a recent study after fire in UK said that children sleep through fire alarms but are more likely to respond to a voice.

    There are apps that can do this but BBC iPlayer Radio app has that built in, set it for Radio4 today programme at 6am or if you really want to force yourself out of bed, farming today, followed by tweet for the day or the Shipping Forecast at 05:20, that is enough to wake the dead!!

    You can plug in an external speaker so you hear the voice.

    You could get one of these loud alarms with bed skakers as well

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sonic-SBB500SS-Alarm-Shaker-Version/dp/B000OOWZUK

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Geemarc-Vibrating-Telephone-Flashing-Version/dp/B0007M68WK

    I think there is a clue in those car boot mornings; motivation. I once read about a method of waking up without an alarm, it worked for me but only when I did not burn the midnight oil. The idea is you tell your subconscious "I need to wake up in 7 hours at 6 o'clock" you cup your hands into a sort of shell that covers your ear and speak into it. Then you get comfortable and lift your head and drop to the pillow 7 times, once for each hour. I laughed when I first heard this, but I tried it and it worked, only time it failed me was when I had serious backlog of sleep for a few weeks.

    For the furniture, see if there is a video for the one you have, this one is an example and shows how he fits it to the wall. It is an option to fit a small piece of wood to the wall at the required height and screw into that, note an electric screwdriver (fully charged) makes this job go quicker.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nO5107tpR8

    So for the girly girl glitter thing, Ex is lucky you did not come to him saying you wanted him to buy Osborne and Little (some over £50 a roll) and that he had to put it up!

    If you are going to make "joint decisions", a version of the alternative close; you give two choices, one you know he will hate so you can get the one he thinks is lesser of two evils,

    One you want

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn-2013/eden-wallpapers/empress

    One he will hate

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn%202015/cubana-wallpapers/leopardo

    or you just say, "this is my flat and you doss here so pull your weight or sod off"!!

    Of course now that I have sewn the idea you will probably be drawn to one of the Osborne and Little designs.

    The thing is now you do not have to worry, you can do whatever you want, it is your choice.

    Freedom of independence, get used to it, enjoy it!
    Please be nice to all MoneySavers. That’s the forum motto. Remember, the prime aim is to help provide info and resources. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your board’ then please bite the bullet and think of the bigger issue.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 10th Mar 17, 7:15 PM
    • 6,922 Posts
    • 18,550 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    A lot of flatpack is essentially Lego with screw or twist to tighten catches.

    Honestly, you'll want a tub of PVA glue to feel certain it's staying together, but flatpack is not hard & can be quite fun.

    Then you go yippee with the glitter, and even very simple IKEA becomes Completely MUN!

    Stick at it, (Edward's *spot on* about the sleep) & keep on getting stronger!
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 10th Mar 17, 8:16 PM
    • 22,775 Posts
    • 87,597 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    IKEA stuff is ridiculously easy to put together. You're already at an advantage, as you don't have false confidence in yourself over the destructions instructions. You need space, a cuppa at a safe distance, time and patience.

    Lay the contents of one item out, sit down with your cuppa and 'read' the pictures. Follow them in order. If you get stressed, walk away and have a sandwich before going back. They're generally designed to be put together with only the tools provided and maybe a flatbladed screwdriver (from the poundshop, or a teaspoon has been known to suffice in an emergency) for holding some of the gubbins as you slot them into place.


    I do all the flatpacks at Tightfisted Towers. All OH has to do is provide lifting duties, which most people wouldn't need, anyway. In fact, I do almost all repair and maintenance duties, including electrical, plumbing and mechanical/structural things. He provides grunt labour or anything involving working overhead. He did say once that he would do them if I asked, but I look and sound happy when doing them, so he feels the best use of his time is to stay clear and provide tea and sandwiches until summoned.


    Why not look into getting yourself a nice selection of tools? I've been extremely frustrated by previous exes always having my tools away when they've left - the OH knows that's the one thing that has rankled with me, and never messes with them unless he has obtained my permission in advance. He also, unlike previous iterations of the OH, cleans them up and puts them away where they belong after use.

    I'd recommend getting a decent size toolbox as well - one of the metal chest type, as the awful pink ones made of plastic are really only useful for carrying things from A to B. If you felt so inclined, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from taking it outside and spray painting it with glitter paint. After all, even if it sheds some glitter, you're going to be getting that from your wallpaper anyhow



    Turning to sleeping, if at all possible, it might be a plan to move the bedroom furniture into a different configuration - even turning your bed round and the mattress over could make the difference in your head to make sleeping properly (not the sleep of the Dead) realistic. As could cleaning it to within an inch of its life. Sleeping through the alarms suggests that they're going off when you're in deep sleep, so you probably need another hour of kip each night to get you into the sleeping-lightly bit of your natural rhythms. For me, it's roughly multiples of 3 hours, so I can wake up on 3, 6, 9 hours without much trouble, but sleep through Farming Today, Tweet of the Day, the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse trotting down the road - and three alarms going off when they happen on 7/8 hour intervals.

    At the same time, I have found recently that audio books are brilliant at getting me to go to sleep almost immediately. I've got things like The Lord of the Rings, Watership Down and suchlike on my phone and, whilst I know the stories, I don't remember anything past the first couple of minutes.

    It needs to feel like it's YOUR room. Maybe making it nice and taking advantage at the weekend to have an afternoon read of a book, veg out/nap would be a way into sleeping in there again?


    Nearly Mum Mode: Are you eating properly? Rather than easy, quick (junk) food or not eating, loads of salads with meat, fish or cheese will help if you're not up for fancy meals - it's a stereotype, but I found one of the best bits of being newly single was realising that a salad can be a great meal, as can soup or even a plate of cooked veg without the faff of making pie, chips, meat that you probably wouldn't have got past the 'Quality Control'/Whingeing Git. If you like salmon, a fillet quickly seared in a pan, then chucked in a bowl full of leaves, some avocado, spring onions, quickly microwaved broccoli/asparagus/whatever is in one of those packs of veg that are often reduced to clear in the supermarket and some lemon juice takes all of ten minutes, but is incredibly healthy, inexpensive and tasty, for example. And finish off with a thing of mixed fresh fruit - if you like strawberries, buy them. If you want blackberries in March, buy them. Get a stick blender and make smoothies for breakfast if you like (milk/plant milk, banana, other fruit, or juice, frozen smoothie pack, whatever you enjoy). I know you've lost loads of weight in the last few years, but add in the stress of recent weeks/lack of sleep and there's a good chance you've not nurtured yourself in that way for a while.


    It's still going to feel weird for a bit, but you're doing great.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 10th Mar 17, 9:39 PM
    • 27,986 Posts
    • 71,148 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Sleeping through the alarms suggests that they're going off when you're in deep sleep, so you probably need another hour of kip each night to get you into the sleeping-lightly bit of your natural rhythms.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    Some alarm apps will wake you while you are in this stage. It means that sometimes you get woken up a bit earlier than the time you set but, because you're not deeply asleep, it's easier to wake up.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 10th Mar 17, 10:20 PM
    • 22,775 Posts
    • 87,597 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Some alarm apps will wake you while you are in this stage. It means that sometimes you get woken up a bit earlier than the time you set but, because you're not deeply asleep, it's easier to wake up.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Used to use one - it was great, although my new phones cost a lot more than the old one and I'm wary of them overheating. That's how I know how many hours I need, as they really helped me to understand it better.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 10th Mar 17, 11:19 PM
    • 256 Posts
    • 963 Thanks
    my-user-name
    IKEA stuff is ridiculously easy to put together. You're already at an advantage, as you don't have false confidence in yourself over the destructions instructions. You need space, a cuppa at a safe distance, time and patience.

    Lay the contents of one item out, sit down with your cuppa and 'read' the pictures. Follow them in order. If you get stressed, walk away and have a sandwich before going back. They're generally designed to be put together with only the tools provided and maybe a flatbladed screwdriver (from the poundshop, or a teaspoon has been known to suffice in an emergency) for holding some of the gubbins as you slot them into place.


    I do all the flatpacks at Tightfisted Towers. All OH has to do is provide lifting duties, which most people wouldn't need, anyway. In fact, I do almost all repair and maintenance duties, including electrical, plumbing and mechanical/structural things. He provides grunt labour or anything involving working overhead. He did say once that he would do them if I asked, but I look and sound happy when doing them, so he feels the best use of his time is to stay clear and provide tea and sandwiches until summoned.


    Why not look into getting yourself a nice selection of tools? I've been extremely frustrated by previous exes always having my tools away when they've left - the OH knows that's the one thing that has rankled with me, and never messes with them unless he has obtained my permission in advance. He also, unlike previous iterations of the OH, cleans them up and puts them away where they belong after use.

    I'd recommend getting a decent size toolbox as well - one of the metal chest type, as the awful pink ones made of plastic are really only useful for carrying things from A to B. If you felt so inclined, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from taking it outside and spray painting it with glitter paint. After all, even if it sheds some glitter, you're going to be getting that from your wallpaper anyhow



    Turning to sleeping, if at all possible, it might be a plan to move the bedroom furniture into a different configuration - even turning your bed round and the mattress over could make the difference in your head to make sleeping properly (not the sleep of the Dead) realistic. As could cleaning it to within an inch of its life. Sleeping through the alarms suggests that they're going off when you're in deep sleep, so you probably need another hour of kip each night to get you into the sleeping-lightly bit of your natural rhythms. For me, it's roughly multiples of 3 hours, so I can wake up on 3, 6, 9 hours without much trouble, but sleep through Farming Today, Tweet of the Day, the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse trotting down the road - and three alarms going off when they happen on 7/8 hour intervals.

    At the same time, I have found recently that audio books are brilliant at getting me to go to sleep almost immediately. I've got things like The Lord of the Rings, Watership Down and suchlike on my phone and, whilst I know the stories, I don't remember anything past the first couple of minutes.

    It needs to feel like it's YOUR room. Maybe making it nice and taking advantage at the weekend to have an afternoon read of a book, veg out/nap would be a way into sleeping in there again?


    Nearly Mum Mode: Are you eating properly? Rather than easy, quick (junk) food or not eating, loads of salads with meat, fish or cheese will help if you're not up for fancy meals - it's a stereotype, but I found one of the best bits of being newly single was realising that a salad can be a great meal, as can soup or even a plate of cooked veg without the faff of making pie, chips, meat that you probably wouldn't have got past the 'Quality Control'/Whingeing Git. If you like salmon, a fillet quickly seared in a pan, then chucked in a bowl full of leaves, some avocado, spring onions, quickly microwaved broccoli/asparagus/whatever is in one of those packs of veg that are often reduced to clear in the supermarket and some lemon juice takes all of ten minutes, but is incredibly healthy, inexpensive and tasty, for example. And finish off with a thing of mixed fresh fruit - if you like strawberries, buy them. If you want blackberries in March, buy them. Get a stick blender and make smoothies for breakfast if you like (milk/plant milk, banana, other fruit, or juice, frozen smoothie pack, whatever you enjoy). I know you've lost loads of weight in the last few years, but add in the stress of recent weeks/lack of sleep and there's a good chance you've not nurtured yourself in that way for a while.


    It's still going to feel weird for a bit, but you're doing great.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    Hi Jojo,The living room furniture isn't from Ikea,it was from a site on ebay but I'm sure its the same thing really.Ive already taken the pieces out of the boxes,looked at everyone of them..........and promptly put them all back in their boxes,theres tons of the stuff !!
    But it dosent mean I wont have a go at it!! once my painting and wallpapering in the living room is done then I will concentrate on the furniture.It just looks so daunting.

    Tightfisted Towers I love it lol

    As for a nice selection of tools...he took all of them and when I say everyone I really do mean everyone of them and left me with nothing so the other day I went to B&Q looking for things which will help me.I bought the wrong hammer(it couldn't break toffee) bought a set of screwdrivers(they looked good!) a metal tape measure and a spirit level(a bloody big thing it was!) so Ive made a start on my little tool selection.As for a chest for my collection,nah they,ll end up at the back of some empty cupboard,Now all his stuff has gone Ive got plenty of empty drawers around the house.However if I catch the building bug then yes maybe I will buy one AND COVER IT WITH TONS OF GLITTER!!
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 10th Mar 17, 11:20 PM
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    my-user-name
    Hi Jojo,The living room furniture isn't from Ikea,it was from a site on ebay but I'm sure its the same thing really.Ive already taken the pieces out of the boxes,looked at everyone of them..........and promptly put them all back in their boxes,theres tons of the stuff !!
    But it dosent mean I wont have a go at it!! once my painting and wallpapering in the living room is done then I will concentrate on the furniture.It just looks so daunting.

    Tightfisted Towers I love it lol

    As for a nice selection of tools...he took all of them and when I say everyone I really do mean everyone of them and left me with nothing so the other day I went to B&Q looking for things which will help me.I bought the wrong hammer(it couldn't break toffee) bought a set of screwdrivers(they looked good!) a metal tape measure and a spirit level(a bloody big thing it was!) so Ive made a start on my little tool selection.As for a chest for my collection,nah they,ll end up at the back of some empty cupboard,Now all his stuff has gone Ive got plenty of empty drawers around the house.However if I catch the building bug then yes maybe I will buy one AND COVER IT WITH TONS OF GLITTER!!
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    And your right about my eating habits Jojo,they do need sorting out.Just wish Tesco would stop selling the bloody big easter eggs for a mealsey sum of two quid(wont last forever though)
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 10th Mar 17, 11:49 PM
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    my-user-name
    My personal feeling is that you have to take ownership of the sleep issue, as part of your self-development. Sleep is all about routine, so if you know you need 7 hours and need to be up at 6 you know you need "head on pillow" at 22:45, but also you need to wind down, so no computers or ipad for an hour before, then a ceremony of a hot choc, malt drink or decaf coffee, then a brushing of teeth and perhaps some reading. BTW most decaf coffee is not decaf at all, they add a sedative to counter. Forcing this routine on yourself, just until it become set is part of it.

    The stopping the tech is important, the light alone causes a hormone keeps you awake, in fact I would put phone on Do Not Disturb at 20:30 and read or watch a movie on tv with brightness set to lowest setting. Again, it is all about teaching your subconscious the routine.

    However as you also have medical needs, you might want to ask your GP if they think melatonin is a good option for you, it can be obtained from health food shops. It is good at regulating sleep; it just gives you that sleepy feeling, but it is up to you to respond to it, if you "push through it", it will not help and it needs the commitment to the routine.

    Finally, I guess it is about what sort of alarms you have, a recent study after fire in UK said that children sleep through fire alarms but are more likely to respond to a voice.

    There are apps that can do this but BBC iPlayer Radio app has that built in, set it for Radio4 today programme at 6am or if you really want to force yourself out of bed, farming today, followed by tweet for the day or the Shipping Forecast at 05:20, that is enough to wake the dead!!

    You can plug in an external speaker so you hear the voice.

    You could get one of these loud alarms with bed skakers as well

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sonic-SBB500SS-Alarm-Shaker-Version/dp/B000OOWZUK

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Geemarc-Vibrating-Telephone-Flashing-Version/dp/B0007M68WK

    I think there is a clue in those car boot mornings; motivation. I once read about a method of waking up without an alarm, it worked for me but only when I did not burn the midnight oil. The idea is you tell your subconscious "I need to wake up in 7 hours at 6 o'clock" you cup your hands into a sort of shell that covers your ear and speak into it. Then you get comfortable and lift your head and drop to the pillow 7 times, once for each hour. I laughed when I first heard this, but I tried it and it worked, only time it failed me was when I had serious backlog of sleep for a few weeks.

    For the furniture, see if there is a video for the one you have, this one is an example and shows how he fits it to the wall. It is an option to fit a small piece of wood to the wall at the required height and screw into that, note an electric screwdriver (fully charged) makes this job go quicker.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nO5107tpR8

    So for the girly girl glitter thing, Ex is lucky you did not come to him saying you wanted him to buy Osborne and Little (some over £50 a roll) and that he had to put it up!

    If you are going to make "joint decisions", a version of the alternative close; you give two choices, one you know he will hate so you can get the one he thinks is lesser of two evils,

    One you want

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn-2013/eden-wallpapers/empress

    One he will hate

    http://www.osborneandlittle.com/products-and-collections/wallcoverings/autumn%202015/cubana-wallpapers/leopardo

    or you just say, "this is my flat and you doss here so pull your weight or sod off"!!

    Of course now that I have sewn the idea you will probably be drawn to one of the Osborne and Little designs.

    The thing is now you do not have to worry, you can do whatever you want, it is your choice.

    Freedom of independence, get used to it, enjoy it!
    Originally posted by EdwardB
    Hi Edward.My one quote in life(and yes I should change it) is....
    "It should be illegal to go to bed on the same day you've woken up".
    The problem with my sleeping is I just cannot go to bed if I don't feel tired so lying in bed while I'm still wide awake is a no no for me,I can only go to bed if I know within minutes I,ll be fast asleep.
    I have never gone to bed before midnight,well not for many years but recently I'm still up in the early hours,then I panic because I know I might oversleep for work so I end up staying awake all night and then going to work with no sleep at all.Does it effect me in work??yes its beginning too
    But the times I do go to bed and set my alarms I just don't hear them,is it any wonder???
    You made a suggestion of no computer or ipad etc an hour before I'm due to hit the sack,yes I could try that because it may help me.
    I think I will make a appointment just to get my bloods checked out,just to be on the safe side.My medication hasn't been checked for a good while so its worth going to see him.

    The alarm in the link you sent looks a good one,anything is worth a try.]Ive also looked at the you tube video regarding flat packs,I really will have a go at making it up once the painting and decorating is done but I have no confidance at all and the thought fills me with dread.But I,ll never know if I don't try!

    The wallapapers from Osbourne and Little looks awesome!! my main wall has to be bold,its going to be my "statement wall" so it has to be something really special and to hell with the cost! I've definatly having the glitter wallpaper on my other three,thats decided and set in stone lol I think it will look lovely once the decorating has been done and my new furniture finally made up,then its the turn of my bedroom.(I will make sure I don't turn it into a tarts boudoir lol) or maybe I will lol

    I know once this is done I will then concentrate on myself,I want to change the way I look,the clothes that I wear,in fact I want to change everything about myself.Apparently that's normal when a relationship breaks down.Ive only got a stone to lose and that alone will make a massive difference to my confidance,then I can sort out my new look.I reckon by the summertime I,ll have everything sorted,my home will be perfect to have my friends and new found friends to come and visit me,I will have a new outlook on life and I kknow I will feel so much happier.

    Just not sure if Ive done it the right way around??should I of sorted myself out first and then my home???Ive done it the other way,I think its the right choice but not sure.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 10th Mar 17, 11:54 PM
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    my-user-name
    Some alarm apps will wake you while you are in this stage. It means that sometimes you get woken up a bit earlier than the time you set but, because you're not deeply asleep, it's easier to wake up.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Hi Mojisola,when I say I'm dead to the world I really do mean that.I know I have to do a major overhaul and change so many bad habits to ensure things get back to normal so I'm willing to try anything.
    Him waking me up and literally kicking me out of bed is probably the only thing I miss about him right now,he did serve his purposes sometimes lol
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 11th Mar 17, 12:04 AM
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    my-user-name
    I would say having the wobbly days is perfectly normal , you won't be able to wipe out 14 yrs of your life and feelings in a few weeks. So don't beat yourself up about that, but the frequency, and intensity will lessen in time. Then one day , you will suddenly think ...hey....that doesn't happen anymore and you won't have any clear day when it happened, it just did.

    To the person who thinks it's only weirdos that post at 4.30 am..........I work night shift so am often up at stupid o'clock posting or reading....... Also I guess there are probably more people out there with insomnia than we reolise , or have physical problems with pain that would have someone awake at odd hours........ you never know..

    I would deffo decorate before building the furniture. People are right about building it yourself, it gets very frustrating, you will swear a lot, want to cry if you haven't done it before, want to throw it off the balcony too............then hours later....you have done it. And everything in the world seems alright again. Once you have built one thing, it gets easier, so start off with something smaller you know you can physically manage on your own from a size point of view.

    I'll wager nice mr housing/council/ hugs guy would have a drill, he may be an excellent choice to ask for a bit of help with fixing to walls ? Another time if you shop there again and don't want to build, they do a building service, which costs obviously, but maybe worth it if you were doing a whole room full of stuff in one go...especially if big stuff as you will need decent amount of floor space to build.

    Can't remember my first Ikea build, but I did want to smash it up , but felt seriously smug once I'd done it. It may be time for you to buy your first power tool, chicks with power tools always rock.

    Sleeping...could you put an alarm under your pillow, would that work ?...or all of them under your pillow. I think you can also buy siren alarm clocks..that should wake you. Re : the anxiety / sickly feeling, if it is at night anxiety and sleep Hypnos apps may help a bit.

    A friend of mine has just been told by her bloke they will give it until the end of next month to see if they are working out, if not then it's over. ( to me that translates as.....it Is over and you have a month to sort what you are doing next). She is in a right pickle, went part time at work (mutual decision) a few months ago, it's his house, she has no savings or assets etc....a right mess. So you and I can at least think ourselves lucky that we have our own place that no-one can touch, we haven't been up-rooted, and are financially stable ( well in as much as anyone can be in these times, jobs disappear all the time). We can plan nice things like how to redecorate, and have our own little castle to feel safe in.

    When is the decorating starting ? .
    Originally posted by calicocat
    Who said "it's only weirdos that post at 4.30 am"?? cheeky !!!!!!s,thats when the best conversations come on to the forum board lol
    I really hope your right when you say once you've made the first flat pack then the rest is easier,oh I do hope your right lol

    I'm sure Mr Housing.Council,hugs guy could possibly help but stupidly I never ask for help,its my downfall
    So many times Ive needed help but end up doing it myself,why??I,ll never know?
    I have a pipe which is leaking,has done for about a week now so I asked on our residents page if anyone knows what is causing this as I need to get it sorted.
    A lovely resident suggested it could just be a new valve which is needed(think he said the toilet sistern) and he offered to come around in the morning to take a look.
    Did I say "oh yes please!!" hell no I just thanked him for his kindness and said I would have a go at fixing it myself.This man only offered his help and I turned him down,I bet he wont offer next time I ask a question.
    Sometimes I could kick myself for trying to do things on my own.I class it as my bad habit and I wish I could accept help when needed.Now if he would of said "I might be able to fix it but it will cost you my time in money" then I would of said yes I'm happy with that,Im screwed up arnt I ??
    • calicocat
    • By calicocat 11th Mar 17, 5:19 AM
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    calicocat
    Who said "it's only weirdos that post at 4.30 am"?? cheeky !!!!!!s,thats when the best conversations come on to the forum board lol
    I really hope your right when you say once you've made the first flat pack then the rest is easier,oh I do hope your right lol

    I'm sure Mr Housing.Council,hugs guy could possibly help but stupidly I never ask for help,its my downfall
    So many times Ive needed help but end up doing it myself,why??I,ll never know?
    I have a pipe which is leaking,has done for about a week now so I asked on our residents page if anyone knows what is causing this as I need to get it sorted.
    A lovely resident suggested it could just be a new valve which is needed(think he said the toilet sistern) and he offered to come around in the morning to take a look.
    Did I say "oh yes please!!" hell no I just thanked him for his kindness and said I would have a go at fixing it myself.This man only offered his help and I turned him down,I bet he wont offer next time I ask a question.
    Sometimes I could kick myself for trying to do things on my own.I class it as my bad habit and I wish I could accept help when needed.Now if he would of said "I might be able to fix it but it will cost you my time in money" then I would of said yes I'm happy with that,Im screwed up arnt I ??
    Originally posted by my-user-name

    It's not screwed up, you just maybe need to change your reaction to help. Loads of us don't accept it, and it is silly really when offered. So that's easily fixed, next time someone offers, just do the opposite to what you would normally do and say yes. What you could do , is have a bottle of wine handy to give as a thank you, then it will feel more 'equal' if that makes sense .

    You could also ask envelope friend if she has ever done flat pack before, ask her if she would help you with it, and you cook a nice meal after.....and look at glitter. .

    Next time you see the bloke who said he would fix the leak, say you have had a look, and may as well be reading Chinese, and you would love him to come take a look at it..........see.....it's easy. Watch what he does don't just leave him to it, then another time you may be able to do it yourself.
    Yep...still at it, working out how to retire early..
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Mar 17, 9:55 AM
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    Mojisola
    Him waking me up and literally kicking me out of bed is probably the only thing I miss about him right now, he did serve his purposes sometimes lol
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    He thought he had such a hold over you and now you're replacing him with an app!

    I once worked with a guy who also slept very soundly - he had three alarms clocks, set a few minutes apart. The first one was by his bed and the next on top of the wardrobe so that he had to get out of bed to turn it off.

    If he slept through both of those, the third one was an old-fashioned big clock with two bells on the top, kept in a metal bucket to amplify the sound on the other side of his room - if that didn't wake him up and get him out of bed, another family member made sure he was turfed out of bed because, by then, everyone else in the house was wide awake!
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 11th Mar 17, 2:40 PM
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    my-user-name
    It's not screwed up, you just maybe need to change your reaction to help. Loads of us don't accept it, and it is silly really when offered. So that's easily fixed, next time someone offers, just do the opposite to what you would normally do and say yes. What you could do , is have a bottle of wine handy to give as a thank you, then it will feel more 'equal' if that makes sense .

    You could also ask envelope friend if she has ever done flat pack before, ask her if she would help you with it, and you cook a nice meal after.....and look at glitter. .

    Next time you see the bloke who said he would fix the leak, say you have had a look, and may as well be reading Chinese, and you would love him to come take a look at it..........see.....it's easy. Watch what he does don't just leave him to it, then another time you may be able to do it yourself.
    Originally posted by calicocat
    Its doing the opposite what I normally do which is the hardest thing to change calicocat,maybe it was all those years of bringing my daughter up on my own which has made me too bloody independent for my own good.
    Ive already mentioned the flat packs to Miss Envelope,she said she dosent have a clue how flat pack works but it would be fun to try............no it wouldn't be considering how much I paid for it lol I think I,ll be taking the phone off the hook and not have a trace of alcohol in my blood stream on the day it all comes out of the box lol
    I'm actually itching to have a go at them but will hang on until the painting and decorating has been done in the living room.As for this weekend .....I'm doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every second of it,yay!
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 11th Mar 17, 2:47 PM
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    my-user-name
    He thought he had such a hold over you and now you're replacing him with an app!

    I once worked with a guy who also slept very soundly - he had three alarms clocks, set a few minutes apart. The first one was by his bed and the next on top of the wardrobe so that he had to get out of bed to turn it off.

    If he slept through both of those, the third one was an old-fashioned big clock with two bells on the top, kept in a metal bucket to amplify the sound on the other side of his room - if that didn't wake him up and get him out of bed, another family member made sure he was turfed out of bed because, by then, everyone else in the house was wide awake!
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Replacing him for a app,I never thought of that,brilliant Mojisola lol
    It used to annoy him so much when the alarms woke him up and I was still in my own little sleep world,to be honest I don't blame him getting annoyed with me on that count,I bet he has good sleeps now

    Maybe you should introduce me to this 3 alarms man,together with 6 clocks we might actually get up in time for work...or maybe not lol
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Mar 17, 3:28 PM
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    Primrose
    Ive already mentioned the flat packs to Miss Envelope,she said she dosent have a clue how flat pack works but it would be fun to try............no it wouldn't be considering how much I paid for it lol I think I,ll be taking the phone off the hook and not have a trace of alcohol in my blood stream on the day it all comes out of the box lol
    I'm actually itching to have a go at them but will hang on until the painting and decorating has been done in the living room.As for this weekend .....I'm doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every second of it,yay!
    Originally posted by my-user-name
    Understand your desire not to build the flat packs until you've finished decorating but it might be wise to open them and check all the component part are there, especially small items like the appropriate number of screws, brackets, etc in case you need to make a complaint.

    We once left a flatpak kit unopened for so long (not from Ikea) that when we finally opened it and got round to trying to assemble it the supplying company would take no responsibility for missing parts.
    • my-user-name
    • By my-user-name 11th Mar 17, 4:24 PM
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    my-user-name
    Understand your desire not to build the flat packs until you've finished decorating but it might be wise to open them and check all the component part are there, especially small items like the appropriate number of screws, brackets, etc in case you need to make a complaint.

    We once left a flatpak kit unopened for so long (not from Ikea) that when we finally opened it and got round to trying to assemble it the supplying company would take no responsibility for missing parts.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Hells bells Primrose I didn't think of that.
    Into the spare room I go
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Mar 17, 4:29 PM
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    Primrose
    And check that the instructions are not written in Chinese or Korean !!
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