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    • zippy1997
    • By zippy1997 5th Dec 16, 9:43 AM
    • 243Posts
    • 352Thanks
    zippy1997
    OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP!
    • #1
    • 5th Dec 16, 9:43 AM
    OH wants a separation. I have no job. HELP! 5th Dec 16 at 9:43 AM
    Hi
    I have been a regular here under another username but am using this one for some anonymity. Although saying that it doesn't really matter I suppose! (I did have another login but can't remember the password! or email used!)

    Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

    Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with.

    He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 3 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend.
    Fast forward to this morning when I receive another email from OH saying the same as the first but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.
    We have a mortgage of 85K (for 11 yrs to run), debts of 45k. The house is worth about 280,000 so plenty of equity there.

    The problem I foresee is my situation. I have no job. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr contract about 10 yrs ago at a childrens nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it.

    I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

    We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

    We have a dog which means working full time is out as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day.
    OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying.

    What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money.
    Thank you.
Page 34
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 3rd Apr 17, 11:46 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,761 Thanks
    Guest101
    As for the Op not compromising, at least she's trying to enter into dialogue.

    Her post from the 29th March said that she sent him an email which he totally ignored and then proceeded to dictate what his terms were.. - How do you, or the OP, know it was ignored. He could've read it, disregarded it (not the same as ignoring) and made clear his position. Being upfront and honest.

    How is that compromising on her husband part? His way or no way really doesn't sound like compromising.
    Originally posted by annandale


    I cant tell him to compromise can I? I would if I could, as its the best way to keep money 'in the family'. Unfortunately I'm not telepathically linked to the soon to be ex husband, so I can only tell the OP.


    'His way or no way' isn't the answer.


    It's in essence 'his way or the courts way', however if his way is better than what she gets via court (once costs are calculated) then his way is her best option. If not, go via the courts.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 3rd Apr 17, 11:51 AM
    • 882 Posts
    • 1,908 Thanks
    annandale
    OK, he just read it and disregarded it.

    Still not compromising in my opinion. No. Not your post. A post that's been deleted that clearly said someone wasn't right in the head.

    Really hope it wasn't directed at anyone on this thread.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 3rd Apr 17, 11:53 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,761 Thanks
    Guest101
    OK, he just read it and disregarded it.

    Still not compromising in my opinion. No. Not your post. A post that's been deleted that clearly said someone wasn't right in the head.

    Really hope it wasn't directed at anyone on this thread.
    Originally posted by annandale


    But he's entitled to do that.


    Let's say for example, you owe me £100.


    I tell you I want £100 from you next week, you email back saying you can only afford £10 a month. I can disregard that and take you to court
    • annandale
    • By annandale 3rd Apr 17, 11:58 AM
    • 882 Posts
    • 1,908 Thanks
    annandale
    Surely some communication along the lines of I don't agree with your viewpoint, would be appropriate.

    It keeps the lines of communication open.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 3rd Apr 17, 11:59 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,761 Thanks
    Guest101
    Surely some communication along the lines of I don't agree with your viewpoint, would be appropriate.

    It keeps the lines of communication open.
    Originally posted by annandale


    That's a moral question though. There's a difference between you should be nice and your obliged to be nice.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 3rd Apr 17, 12:28 PM
    • 882 Posts
    • 1,908 Thanks
    annandale
    Civil might be more appropriate I think
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 3rd Apr 17, 12:31 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,761 Thanks
    Guest101
    Civil might be more appropriate I think
    Originally posted by annandale
    With respect I disagree, 'civil' is neutral, it's what the court does (ie 'civil' law)


    Being nice is a moral choice
    • justme111
    • By justme111 3rd Apr 17, 12:59 PM
    • 2,822 Posts
    • 2,712 Thanks
    justme111
    He has not addressed issues that zippy raised (her perception again, unless we see all correspondence it is not a fact), zippy is not inclined to give him what he wants - negotiations just started. Usual scenario , no reason to start labeling a chap bully, class his actions as browbeating and cheer her onto a war path. As suggested before mediation may help.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 3rd Apr 17, 1:15 PM
    • 882 Posts
    • 1,908 Thanks
    annandale
    You referred to someone in a post you later deleted as being not right in the head.

    I think you are the last person who should be telling other people right now not to put labels on people given that comment.

    If people can't post on here in a distressing time in their life without being sorely criticised there is no point to these boards existing.

    Almost every thread on this board sees a pack of hyenas waiting to pounce on people as soon as they type anything.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 3rd Apr 17, 5:02 PM
    • 1,191 Posts
    • 809 Thanks
    mark5
    The op's ex has a right to return to the property whenever he wants, posters might not like this but it's true, unless there is a court order saying different the husband can keep his possessions at the house.

    I took the time to see a solicitor about this when I separated from my wife as I had concerns about giving up rights if I moved out.
    • zippy1997
    • By zippy1997 10th Oct 17, 6:42 PM
    • 243 Posts
    • 352 Thanks
    zippy1997
    Quick update. Things are still on course for a divorce.

    I have 2 part time jobs, so now working 41 hrs per week, no weekends and one job is term time only which will be nice, but unfortunately this has meant that the dog has suffered time-wise - and would have suffered long term.

    Therefore DD and I made the difficult decision last week to give him back to the breeder. It wasn't an easy decision and one that had me bawling like a baby every time I looked at his beautiful brown eyes knowing what was coming, but a necessary one so he could have a better life. Luckily the breeder has been staying with someone, a friend, who also has a couple of their dogs (actually related to our lovely boy) and the friend has fallen in love with him, so our boy is being fostered to see how it goes then should hopefully just stay in his new home. He has play mates and the breeder will see him regularly. So he left us mid week and by the end of it he had a new home! Landed on his paws I think!

    It's the right decision for all of us and I actually feel relieved it's done (the decision made I mean). We miss him like crazy, as it's just empty without him and his stuff, but he'll have a good life with his new owner and we can stay in touch to see how he's doing.

    My ex has a GF. I have no proof when it started but she is one of the women (there were 2) I asked about on FB before we split last yr...... she's a lot younger and he says they work together. He told DS and DD mid/end July and as yet hasn't actually told me. He also told DD that they're probably going to move in together at some point. No doubt he'll wait until Form E has been submitted and the 6 months (as asked on the Form) has passed.

    I'm not jealous in any way, in fact, I knew he wouldn't stay single long, he needs someone. I admit I am jealous of the comfortable lifestyle they'll have though. We had some really crap times and I was hoping once the kids had flown the nest we could address things and plan for the future. Guess I was wrong.

    I am looking forward to moving on with my life once this bloody divorce is done though. I will be changing my name back and whether I can afford to stay here or not, a new start will be good. DD is still hoping to go to Uni next yr so I will be on my own for the 1st time in my life. Yes it will be different but it'll also be good for me.

    I am on the waiting list again for therapy. Not sure how it'll go but I have to try to work my issues out and come out of this, at least as an optimist rather than always looking on the downside of things. I also don't want to feel so low every day. No matter what's happening I never feel 'happy'. I walk the walk, smile at everyone but when I get home from work I really don't feel that way.
    • sooty&sweep
    • By sooty&sweep 10th Oct 17, 9:47 PM
    • 1,177 Posts
    • 1,384 Thanks
    sooty&sweep
    Zippy,
    I read your first post & then jumped to the end.
    Be proud of yourself because you have come so far !
    You're working, (something you said you were scared about in your first post !) and you are looking to the future.
    I know you're feeling low, but you are trying to sort that out too !

    All the best

    Jen
    • annandale
    • By annandale 10th Oct 17, 11:33 PM
    • 882 Posts
    • 1,908 Thanks
    annandale
    You are very lucky the breeder took your dog back.

    You sounded from the beginning like you thought the dog would have to go.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 10th Oct 17, 11:39 PM
    • 19,573 Posts
    • 31,593 Thanks
    Spendless
    Thanks for the update. Sorry, you've had to let the dog go but pleased you seem to have sorted out a new home for him.

    As for the ex and the new girlfriend he works with Hmmmmm

    Onwards and upwards to you.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 10th Oct 17, 11:57 PM
    • 2,485 Posts
    • 6,048 Thanks
    ska lover
    wow zippy you sound like you are doing so well, really glad to see that
    Blah blah blah.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 11th Oct 17, 5:53 AM
    • 15,943 Posts
    • 39,733 Thanks
    FBaby
    Zippy, however hard it might be at time, do take comfort to the fact that you are such an amazing inspiration. You have battled your fears, made decisions you knew were right despite being painful, and you've kept your head high all this time.

    You have pushed all the way through and never taken the easy option. Your courage is amazing and you can be assured that all this will pay off one day. Thanks for coming to update us. Want to send you a massive hug!
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 11th Oct 17, 10:01 AM
    • 486 Posts
    • 358 Thanks
    Comms69
    Quick update. Things are still on course for a divorce.

    I have 2 part time jobs, so now working 41 hrs per week, no weekends and one job is term time only which will be nice, but unfortunately this has meant that the dog has suffered time-wise - and would have suffered long term.

    Therefore DD and I made the difficult decision last week to give him back to the breeder. - was it not better to give it to your ex? It wasn't an easy decision and one that had me bawling like a baby every time I looked at his beautiful brown eyes knowing what was coming, but a necessary one so he could have a better life. Luckily the breeder has been staying with someone, a friend, who also has a couple of their dogs (actually related to our lovely boy) and the friend has fallen in love with him, so our boy is being fostered to see how it goes then should hopefully just stay in his new home. He has play mates and the breeder will see him regularly. So he left us mid week and by the end of it he had a new home! Landed on his paws I think!

    It's the right decision for all of us and I actually feel relieved it's done (the decision made I mean). We miss him like crazy, as it's just empty without him and his stuff, but he'll have a good life with his new owner and we can stay in touch to see how he's doing. - fair enough, I've had to do that before and it is tough

    My ex has a GF. I have no proof when it started but she is one of the women (there were 2) I asked about on FB before we split last yr...... she's a lot younger and he says they work together. - does it matter? He told DS and DD mid/end July and as yet hasn't actually told me. He also told DD that they're probably going to move in together at some point. No doubt he'll wait until Form E has been submitted and the 6 months (as asked on the Form) has passed.

    I'm not jealous in any way, in fact, I knew he wouldn't stay single long, he needs someone. I admit I am jealous of the comfortable lifestyle they'll have though. We had some really crap times and I was hoping once the kids had flown the nest we could address things and plan for the future. Guess I was wrong.

    I am looking forward to moving on with my life once this bloody divorce is done though. I will be changing my name back and whether I can afford to stay here or not, a new start will be good. DD is still hoping to go to Uni next yr so I will be on my own for the 1st time in my life. Yes it will be different but it'll also be good for me.

    I am on the waiting list again for therapy. Not sure how it'll go but I have to try to work my issues out and come out of this, at least as an optimist rather than always looking on the downside of things. I also don't want to feel so low every day. No matter what's happening I never feel 'happy'. I walk the walk, smile at everyone but when I get home from work I really don't feel that way.
    Originally posted by zippy1997
    that's common, but are you getting out there to meet new people, even for friendship?
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Oct 17, 10:51 AM
    • 7,680 Posts
    • 25,820 Thanks
    Primrose
    Well done on getting through this difficult transitional stage and coming out a stronger person. I'm sure the dog loss has been difficult but this will ease with time and what you need at the moment is to simplify life for yourself as much as you can.


    I'm not really surprised about your now -ex having another woman tucked away in the background. I suspected he was probably always never telling you the whole truth in this respect but you are doing amazingly well in getting a new life together for yourself. Go back and read your early posts and you will see just how far you have travelled. As others have just said, be proud of yourself!
    • Little Miss Winner
    • By Little Miss Winner 12th Oct 17, 2:23 AM
    • 3,958 Posts
    • 135,884 Thanks
    Little Miss Winner
    Good luck for the future hun - keep us updated xx
    • grimreaper
    • By grimreaper 13th Oct 17, 8:04 AM
    • 167 Posts
    • 46 Thanks
    grimreaper
    Seperation
    I too am going through divorce. My soon to be ex wife worked in London for 3 days a week and I looked after her 2 stepdaughters from her first marriage and we had 2 ourselves. I would look after all the kids when she worked away earning a 100k plus wage, when she was home she would work the following 2 days from home and have no dealing during the day with youngest kids because she’s working !. She would plan before asking so I would just follow instructions. I had a gambling problem trying to earn extra money because I wasn’t allowed a second job or do overtime because in her words it’s costs more for me to do extra work than look after the kids. I felt trapped in the house didn’t get on with her eldest daughter who make things difficult by telling me your not my dad, mummy’s still got my dads last name( yes she kept her first husbands last name ) , told me to pack my bags and live somewhere else and the list goes on. We also had 2 dogs that needed walking etc and when asked off her friends about how she looked well and how does she manage? I wouldn’t get a mention. I was suffering depression and now getting therapy, I’m back at my mums temporarily looking for a renter. It’s been 3 weeks and wants divorce going through ASAP yet another thing my ex likes to do in other words things had to be done there and then and within 48 hrs. She is being awkward and twisting things about me in her world and friends.

    But I’m happier, it will be harder but I have my kids to support. That’s something else she did t like apparently I have 4 kids!

    Keep your chin up Zippy your doing well, we also communicated by text I was told of divorce by text. You’ve got jobs and starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My ex will have the next mug to date and he will soon realise that she’s in control and not him.

    Look at the negatives about the marriage and you’ll soon realise the positive far outweigh them

    Your doing good keep it going
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