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    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 9:12 AM
    • 8Posts
    • 20Thanks
    april101
    Should I let him go?
    • #1
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:12 AM
    Should I let him go? 18th Oct 16 at 9:12 AM
    Hi everyone,

    I post on here under a different name usually but I wanted to post this thread as something separate.

    I've been with my husband for over 6 years - we married just over a year ago.

    He had his ups and down before the wedding - lots of nerves but obviously it went ahead and he had an amazing day and was fine for the few months following.

    Sorry if TMI but basically our bedroom life wasn't great for a while due to the pill completely messing up my hormones etc. so I came off that to try and get things back on track in that sense.

    So about two weeks ago we had a row over something silly (I can't remember exactly what but I'm sure it was the dishwasher/washing or something housework related!). It escalated and ended up in a late night argument and him telling me he wants to love me but just doesn't anymore and isn't attracted to me.

    He said he would try and the last few weeks he has but I can tell that he is still very much emotionally detached - the way he looks at me, he's not really very touchy feely etc.

    I also get the feeling he has feelings for someone else. I don't think he's acted on it but I think the feelings are there, even though he denies it. There's someone who he works with and she texts him constantly - it seems to be harmless stuff and jokes from work but he is very protective of the conversation. I think because he seems to enjoy talking to her more than me at the moment it isn't really helping our situation at all.

    It all blew up again last night with him saying he's trying to be attracted to me but just can't. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in months and said he never wanted to get married.

    Sorry for the long post - I just don't know what to do and I don't want to involve family/friends at the moment. I love him and we have such a nice life together but I don't want to force him to be with me.

    Any advice/thoughts from an outside perspective would be welcomed.

    Thanks everyone x
Page 2
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 18th Oct 16, 11:53 AM
    • 4,114 Posts
    • 5,101 Thanks
    gonzo127
    Thank you all so much for your support.

    One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

    With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

    He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

    Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

    Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.
    Originally posted by april101
    to be honest, the more you write, the more i feel he has already emotionally left the marriage, and is starting to physically leave it as well (the recent nights out drinking)

    with regards to the girl at work with what they can talk about, although this is a guess, i would expect its you and your marriage and how unhappy he is at home etc etc,

    im not saying that it is more than friends, because i know men and women can be close friends without anything happening (in fact my best friend of 20 odd years is a woman, and nothing has ever happened), but i feel the protectiveness of his phone suggest thats the conversations are either flirty, or personal about your marriage etc that he doesnt want you to see, and these things can easily turn into more than just a friendly ear to listen or shoulder to cry on

    i do still feel that suggesting marriage counselling to him, could be useful, even if he says no, as that at least tells you that he has given up on the marriage already, and doesnt want to try and fix it
    Drop a brand challenge
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    • pmlindyloo
    • By pmlindyloo 18th Oct 16, 11:54 AM
    • 9,959 Posts
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    pmlindyloo
    You have been together for 6 years so neither of you will have had time to have many other relationships. Sometimes people seem to drift into marriage after being together for such a long time and then only afterwards do they realise that there is more 'life' out there. Happens to so many people. Women have the nesting instinct much more than most men. Of course for some, marrying young works out beautifully, but for most it doesn't.

    So, what can you do?

    As difficult as it seems it might be worth having a chat with your OH and saying you realise that things are not 'right' and you have decided it is unfair to continue when he is so unhappy.

    You will have to be very strong and 'detached' about this.

    Sometimes the cold facts given like this will make him, at least, have a think about things.

    It might be that he is enjoying having all the home comforts and the realisation that this could all end might give him a bit of a jolt. On the other hand he could just agree with you and you move on your separate ways.

    If it were me, after you have had the conversation I would go and get a new hair do, buy some new clothes and glam myself up. Then I would start going out with friends and enjoying myself. This would give him something to think about.

    At the moment he has all the control - whinging about his life, enjoying the attention of another female and playing the 'poor me' card and putting all the 'blame' on you.
    You need to get some control back.

    In the end, what will be will be and you may be 'well rid' but since you still have feelings for him it is worth trying this approach and trying to salvage the relationship.
    • TeamPlum
    • By TeamPlum 18th Oct 16, 12:01 PM
    • 164 Posts
    • 403 Thanks
    TeamPlum
    I have a close female co-worker that I text alot, however my wife is free to read all the messages whenever she wishes, should she want to.

    I think the fact you can't says it all.
    • Peter333
    • By Peter333 18th Oct 16, 12:13 PM
    • 1,720 Posts
    • 5,405 Thanks
    Peter333
    Thank you all so much for your support.

    One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

    With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

    He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

    Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

    Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.
    Originally posted by april101
    I suspected as much. I am really sorry for you, as you sound like a lovely young woman who just wants to settle down in life, and he clearly has not grown up yet. I know a young woman (22,) who is going through something similar right now.

    She and her boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and she wanted to settle down, get a place together and be together forever as she loves him so much. He has just turned 20 last week, and has just started a degree at uni. He has been away for just 5 weeks, and has decided her 'can't do this anymore,' and has dumped her by text! All she has seen on his facebook is pictures of him with his uni mates and lots of different girls.

    She is ready for family life, he is not. Boys seem to be way behind girls when it comes to maturity levels.

    I assume you have no children April?

    Sounds like your husband DOES think the grass is greener on the other side, but the fact is that no matter who he settles down with, it will be the same as it is with you. I have known half a dozen or more people leave their spouse or partner after a long time together (10-25 years,) as they 'fell for someone else,' and within months, they regret it, as they realise life is no different to how it was with the person they left! It's different when you're having an affair, all clandestine and exciting, with no drudgery or domestic stuff, but when you are a couple together, it's just ordinary life!

    It's the same as someone going on holiday somewhere, and assuming that living there, and working there as a citizen, will be the same as being on holiday. It never is!!!
    Last edited by Peter333; 18-10-2016 at 12:17 PM.
    As of 25th October 2016, I am not participating in this site. Until MSE sorts out the issue with insidious trouble-makers, it's no longer a place I wish to be. I can't be bothered with the constant battle with trolls.

    MSE is not a nice place to be at the moment, and hasn't been for a while now. So I'm outta here for the foreseeable future.
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 18th Oct 16, 12:16 PM
    • 26,010 Posts
    • 89,323 Thanks
    Person_one

    One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.
    Originally posted by april101
    I completely understand this. Some of it is not wanting to admit to people that things have gone so wrong, crazy as it is most of us don't like to admit that we've 'failed' even though this failure is his not yours. It can also be difficult if you hold out hope of things getting better and staying together, you don't want your family and friends to look at him differently or see your relationship in a different light if you do stay.

    But...you should still talk to someone. Tell the people who love you what you're going through, let them give you the support and the time and the care that you need and that they would want to give if they could! Let's face it, at the very least your mum and your closest friends are likely to have their suspicions anyway or be a bit concerned about you, unless you're an Oscar winning actress!
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 18th Oct 16, 12:32 PM
    • 492 Posts
    • 1,108 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    What an utterly horrible situation to be in,
    My thoughts for what they are, is that you married a little boy trying to play grown up, and now its plainly just occurred to him he doesn't want to be a grown up.
    He's made his feelings clear, and here i really feel for you, your going to have your heart broken one way or another.
    Cut your losses before he gets even more cruel and abusive of your feelings.
    Not what you want to hear i'm sure, but i really fear he holds no regard for your feelings on the matter.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th Oct 16, 12:47 PM
    • 3,357 Posts
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    paddy's mum
    I can find it in my heart to feel very sorry for the girl in the office because he is almost certainly feeding her a load of pity-me rubbish.

    I have also found it to be, generally speaking, true that if he can do it to one wife, he will do it to the next. In her shoes, I'd be worrying about his motive for pursuing me.

    When men say that their wife doesn't understand them it usually translates to she understands him only too well.

    OP - do you feel that it would be worth finding out for sure just what is going on eg kidnapping his phone or following him on his evenings out? It may not be strictly ethical to do so but neither is the unkindness that your husband is currently showing.
    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 2:45 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    april101
    I've thought about going through his phone but I'm not totally sure that I actually want to.

    Actually putting things down and reading them back to myself has made me realise what I probably already knew. There are even things that I'm scared to write and actually admit 'out loud' so to speak - as I know what conclusions any logical thinking person would come to about what he has or hasn't done.

    I think I need a few days where I can try and distance myself from him and the situation to allow myself to think more clearly. It's just so difficult, I really can't imagine what my next steps will be if/when we do split.

    Talking to you all has made me see things more clearly, so thank you. Whilst it's a pretty harsh reality check, I know it's what I need.

    Peter - no children.

    You are all absolutely right with the playing grown up thing. I just hate that he makes me feel like I'm wrong for not wanting to remain a teenager forever.
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 18th Oct 16, 3:06 PM
    • 7,581 Posts
    • 33,831 Thanks
    tea lover
    Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Sounds like you need a change of scene and a break from him for a while to help you think.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 18th Oct 16, 3:35 PM
    • 5,944 Posts
    • 14,919 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    Me, I'd be inviting the friend over - I wouldn't leave the house empty for him to invite folk back.

    What, me, cynical? Yes. If ever you needed a big sister to watch out for your best interests, now's that week. If you haven't got one, recruit one.
    • TeamPlum
    • By TeamPlum 18th Oct 16, 5:04 PM
    • 164 Posts
    • 403 Thanks
    TeamPlum
    I was goimg to write a longer reply earlier, then i realised i was at work - probably should at least look like I was being productive.

    I've come across guys like this many times. A girl smiles at them on their commute and theyre imagining what life would be like with them. They chat to a girl whilst in a queue and they're playing out the holiday to the Caribbean.

    It's not you, they could be in a relationship with Jennifer Lawrence and they'd still be day dreaming about the girl from the gym they havnt spoken to.

    Best advice is to get rid,
    • Happier Me
    • By Happier Me 18th Oct 16, 5:29 PM
    • 322 Posts
    • 706 Thanks
    Happier Me
    Hi OP, the situation you are in is awful but I think, as one poster said, it would be a good idea to try to take back some control here.

    Reading this, it sounds like your marriage needs to end... for your sake. You will never be happy in this relationship! You deserve better!

    I would take a few days to adjust to the idea and distance yourself. Then tell your husband that there is no future for your marriagw given how he feels and that you need to work our the details of separation and ultimately divorce.

    This will be a horrible time ...but it will pay dividends in the end as you will be free to find someone who values and loves you!
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 18th Oct 16, 7:27 PM
    • 4,564 Posts
    • 12,369 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    You say that he had some "ups and downs" before the wedding? Maybe he honestly didn't want to get married but got caught up in the whirlwind of preparations and your excitement.

    You also say that things weren't great in the bedroom department. Was it really your hormones or was it just that his heart wasn't in it?

    A wise person once told me that "you can't make someone love you" and it is very true, if he doesn't love you, no amount of counselling, tears, or waiting around by you, will change his mind.

    I know it's horrid, and I think most of us know just how heartbreaking it is to find out that your relationship is failing but you are young, you will get over this and you will come out of the other side a different, stronger and probably a better person.

    You will one day discover that your relationship with him wasn't as good as you told yourself at the time. You'll discover what it feels like to live with someone who truly does love you. And more importantly, you'll realise that making your own decisions, rather than waiting for someone else to make them for you, is the best thing that you ever did.

    Cry if you need to, and please confide in your family and friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it your fault, although I guess it isn't his either, it's just one of those things. Having said that, you don't need to let him get away with his cowardly and cruel behaviour. Tell him that if he doesn't love you or find you attractive, then he has to leave. Not tomorrow, not next week, but now. Start taking back the reins of your life, then you can start to look towards the future.

    Good luck my lovely, and I promise....it won't be this bad forever.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • pebbles88
    • By pebbles88 18th Oct 16, 8:30 PM
    • 1,362 Posts
    • 4,025 Thanks
    pebbles88
    Having been in similar position - I wish I'd let him leave the first time we had drama with another woman. I'm so much happier without him, & ,et a lovely man who doesn't play games & is a grown man.

    Leave Peter Pan to lurch from his next excitement to the next, you deserve to be happy xxx
    Please be nice to all moneysavers!
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    • Placitasgirl
    • By Placitasgirl 18th Oct 16, 10:09 PM
    • 76 Posts
    • 103 Thanks
    Placitasgirl
    I'm so sorry to read about your situation and the treatment you have and are enduring. What you describe is not a marriage; you just have a certificate that says you're married. You sound like a warm, sensible adult who already knows that what's happening in your relationship is wrong and have had some very sound responses on this thread. I agree that you should confide in a friend or family member and wish you all the best with moving on into a new phase of your life where you'll value and respect yourself for the decision you made, and others will too.
    • piglet74
    • By piglet74 19th Oct 16, 12:48 AM
    • 2,137 Posts
    • 5,658 Thanks
    piglet74
    Your question was, should I let him go,
    I think the answer is, put him out!

    While he may not have physically cheated on you, ( I fear he might have on one of his nights out) he is most certainly emotionally cheating on you.

    This will only get worse if you stay.

    You don't have kids with this man, so you can break up with him and you never have to see him or contact him ever again.

    It might not feel like it today, but if you leave him now, you will look back in a year and thank yourself for ending it.

    Good luck with it all xx
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 19th Oct 16, 7:43 AM
    • 1,039 Posts
    • 4,278 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    Your question was, should I let him go,
    I think the answer is, put him out!
    Originally posted by piglet74

    I agree with this; he's being awful to you, and you are being a doormat.

    Some men are just too rubbish to end a relationship so will behave more and more badly until you lose your rag.

    Don't. Do it calmly and with dignity. Also start going out and spending time with friends; you don't need to tell them, just reconnect, and see if it changes how you feel about yourself. He's eroding your self confidence, claim some of it back.You can't change his behaviour but you can change your own.

    What's your housing situation? Renting, mortgage?
    May GC £215/£50 (oops)
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 19th Oct 16, 8:09 AM
    • 14,324 Posts
    • 36,466 Thanks
    FBaby
    It escalated and ended up in a late night argument and him telling me he wants to love me but just doesn't anymore and isn't attracted to me.
    I think when it gets to this point, there isn't much left to hang on to. It sounds like him staying is because he still has affection for you and wants to try (or think he does) but ultimately, you can't force those feelings. The fact that he told you the above twice makes it quite real and I think you need to accept it.

    Once love and physical attraction has gone, it is rare to come back, but if it did, a separation is actually what would be most likely to trigger the change, so either way, you are better of letting him go.

    Breaking up is one of the hardest things to do, so don't feel that you should go through it all positive and in control. It's ok to fall apart for a while before getting up again and moving on. You will do, we all do.
    • april101
    • By april101 19th Oct 16, 9:22 AM
    • 8 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    april101
    Thanks everyone for your replies.

    It kicked off again yesterday evening over two things. Firstly, because I booked him a surprise weekend away for a few months time (this was long before this trouble started - it's been booked for a while). He said I had no regard for him when booking it as I know he has sports he plays at the weekend. Obviously that was very hurtful as I booked it to do something nice for him. Secondly, he wasn't happy that I offered to pick him up from his night out his weekend coming. I honestly don't understand what happened or how he could twist me trying to be nice/helpful into me being malicious and spiteful.

    This went on for a while and then towards the end of the argument he was almost laughing at me. Making jokes that weren't funny, asking for my opinion on his hair etc. Very strange when I think about it.

    I know how this looks at what your responses will be but just wanted to update you all.

    We went to bed not on the best terms, but then he woke up and was totally normal with me. As though we were back to our best. Like a totally different person.

    Your support has helped me so much and I confided in my mum and a friend yesterday.

    I know what I need to do I just need to give myself some time to adjust and detach myself from him and the relationship.

    Thanks again xxx
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 19th Oct 16, 9:34 AM
    • 26,010 Posts
    • 89,323 Thanks
    Person_one
    Some men will just push and push until you are the one to end the relationship so that they can play the 'wronged party' in the aftermath.

    I'm sure you can predict what most people's suspicions would be about why he didn't want you to pick him up after his night out.

    I don't know about 'time to detach', is that even possible still living together? Is it not better to just get it done if you now know that's what you want/need to do? Rip off the plaster, expose the would then it can start healing properly.
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