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  • FIRST POST
    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 9:12 AM
    • 8Posts
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    april101
    Should I let him go?
    • #1
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:12 AM
    Should I let him go? 18th Oct 16 at 9:12 AM
    Hi everyone,

    I post on here under a different name usually but I wanted to post this thread as something separate.

    I've been with my husband for over 6 years - we married just over a year ago.

    He had his ups and down before the wedding - lots of nerves but obviously it went ahead and he had an amazing day and was fine for the few months following.

    Sorry if TMI but basically our bedroom life wasn't great for a while due to the pill completely messing up my hormones etc. so I came off that to try and get things back on track in that sense.

    So about two weeks ago we had a row over something silly (I can't remember exactly what but I'm sure it was the dishwasher/washing or something housework related!). It escalated and ended up in a late night argument and him telling me he wants to love me but just doesn't anymore and isn't attracted to me.

    He said he would try and the last few weeks he has but I can tell that he is still very much emotionally detached - the way he looks at me, he's not really very touchy feely etc.

    I also get the feeling he has feelings for someone else. I don't think he's acted on it but I think the feelings are there, even though he denies it. There's someone who he works with and she texts him constantly - it seems to be harmless stuff and jokes from work but he is very protective of the conversation. I think because he seems to enjoy talking to her more than me at the moment it isn't really helping our situation at all.

    It all blew up again last night with him saying he's trying to be attracted to me but just can't. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in months and said he never wanted to get married.

    Sorry for the long post - I just don't know what to do and I don't want to involve family/friends at the moment. I love him and we have such a nice life together but I don't want to force him to be with me.

    Any advice/thoughts from an outside perspective would be welcomed.

    Thanks everyone x
Page 1
    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 9:14 AM
    • 8 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    april101
    • #2
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:14 AM
    • #2
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:14 AM
    Also to add I booked him a weekend away with some friends as a surprise (before all this) and it falls on his Christmas party. When I mentioned I had booked a surprise that weekend for him and that I didn't realise it was the party (mine was booked before the Christmas Party and his boss didn't mention it when I requested the holiday for him!). He said he didn't want to go on any weekends with me and didn't want me to surprise him. He got really quite irate about it.
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 18th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    • 14,584 Posts
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    hollydays
    • #3
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    • #3
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    Op, it sounds hurtful. He's telling you he's no longer attracted to you, but still staying with you? Is this really nice for you? Is there a sense of him blaming you here? Or trying to shift some blame to you? I don't find his behaviour attractive.
    Last edited by hollydays; 18-10-2016 at 9:29 AM.
    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 9:36 AM
    • 8 Posts
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    april101
    • #4
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:36 AM
    • #4
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:36 AM
    Hollydays - it really is hurtful. But every time I feel like I've mustered up the courage to let go my heart breaks again. I do think he is partially trying to shift the blame to me - maybe not wholly? I'm not sure. He's not great at opening up so I never really feel he tells me the whole story of how he is feeling.
    • Stevie Palimo
    • By Stevie Palimo 18th Oct 16, 9:42 AM
    • 2,860 Posts
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    Stevie Palimo
    • #5
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:42 AM
    • #5
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:42 AM
    I cannot see anyway of you staying with your partner here as it will turn very toxic quite quickly now with both of you resenting the other and that is not good for either one.

    No time is good to part ways and more so when married and having a home together and so on but you just need to realise when to call it a day and look to move on with your life, It will be difficult and you feel heartbroken but this will ease off and in time you will look back and say I am glad we called it a day when we did and not stay together just for convenience.
    " I refuse to censor myself because it may offend someone. If you don't like me that's ok, I don't need your approval. "
    • -taff
    • By -taff 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    • 6,458 Posts
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    -taff
    • #6
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    • #6
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    He's told you he doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you , didn't want to get married and doesn't want to go away with you.....that's not spelling anything positive..
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    • 6,651 Posts
    • 8,273 Thanks
    jackieblack
    • #7
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    • #7
    • 18th Oct 16, 9:44 AM
    Let him go.
    He plainly doesn't feel the way that a loving husband should and he's told you as much. I've been in that position, it's horrible.

    But why would you want to stay with someone who isn't attracted to you (and no-one chooses who they're attracted to, either you are or you aren't), is emotionally distant and has told you he doesn't love you?
    Last edited by jackieblack; 18-10-2016 at 9:47 AM.
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    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 18th Oct 16, 10:07 AM
    • 6,430 Posts
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    fairy lights
    • #8
    • 18th Oct 16, 10:07 AM
    • #8
    • 18th Oct 16, 10:07 AM
    If he doesn't love you or find you attractive, and doesn't want to spend time with you why on earth hasn't he left you? It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 18th Oct 16, 10:16 AM
    • 4,116 Posts
    • 5,104 Thanks
    gonzo127
    • #9
    • 18th Oct 16, 10:16 AM
    • #9
    • 18th Oct 16, 10:16 AM
    if you want to try and save the marriage i would suggest to him that you want to try marriage counselling, as it does work for some people (not all as its not a magic bullet, and it personally didnt work for my marriage, but does work for some people), as it might 'make' him open up about the problems so you can actually get to the bottom of what the problem is.

    however i would say if he refuses marriage counselling, his heart isnt in the marriage any longer, and i would call it a day, yes it might be the hard, and i have been there, but i can honestly say that i am now much happier in myself, to the point that my 8 year old daughter has commented on how much better i am!
    Drop a brand challenge
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    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 10:17 AM
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    april101
    Thanks for the replies everyone.

    I am just really struggling to let go. I never thought things would go this way between us - I really do love him. However I do know that what you are all saying is the right thing to do. I've just got to have enough courage to do it - which is easier said than done

    Fairy lights - I think he would leave me if I wasn't so upset about it all.

    I want to let go and move on I just don't really know where to even start.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 18th Oct 16, 10:19 AM
    • 13,727 Posts
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    Judi
    Make his path clear to leave and see if he does.

    I've often told my husband if he can find someone better than me then I won't hold him back.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Peter333
    • By Peter333 18th Oct 16, 10:30 AM
    • 1,720 Posts
    • 5,405 Thanks
    Peter333
    Oh April, bless your poor soul. You sound like you're in so much pain. It's screaming out in your post that you're suffering so badly.

    I can't add anything to what anyone has said, except I agree with them all. He has said he doesn't love you. he isn't attracted to you anymore, he never wanted to get married. I have just read this to my lady wife, and she said she would have run for the hills by now if she were you.

    If you have no children with this man, then there is no need to stay with him. Did you get married young-ish, maybe early 20s? A lot of people feel very 'grown-up' at that age, but still have a way to go before leaving the levels of immaturity that they have in their teens. Especially young men.

    And as for this girl at work, this whole situation with her sounds VERY dangerous. Men don't usually send lots of texts to another woman and keep their phone closely guarded unless something is going on. And even if nothing IS going on, something may be soon. It may be a close friendship now, but it sounds like it will lead to something more soon.

    And this girl should know better too! She knows he has a wife.

    Get out now while you can. I know you love him, but those feelings will fade, especially when you realise the feelings are not being reciprocated, and when you find someone who truly loves you.

    My best wishes go to you. I hope you will be happy.
    As of 25th October 2016, I am not participating in this site. Until MSE sorts out the issue with insidious trouble-makers, it's no longer a place I wish to be. I can't be bothered with the constant battle with trolls.

    MSE is not a nice place to be at the moment, and hasn't been for a while now. So I'm outta here for the foreseeable future.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th Oct 16, 10:40 AM
    • 3,358 Posts
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    paddy's mum
    He ... said he never wanted to get married.
    Originally posted by april101
    I've come across comments like this before and they really offend me.

    It almost declares that you held a gun to his head or that some other monumental force was used to have your wicked way against the wishes of the poor little lad!

    I can't think of much that is more insulting than a statement of that calibre but if it is what he is feeling, then I believe there is little left to hold onto, however much you still love him and however sad that realisation may be.

    I also think that you should confide in at least one family member or close friend as you need support while you find a way through this tangle, whatever the eventual outcome is.

    Good luck.
    • Peter333
    • By Peter333 18th Oct 16, 10:54 AM
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    Peter333
    He ... said he never wanted to get married.
    I've come across comments like this before and they really offend me.

    It almost declares that you held a gun to his head or that some other monumental force was used to have your wicked way against the wishes of the poor little lad!
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    It is a laughable, yet abhorrent statement isn't it?! It's right up there with 'she got herself pregnant!' Or the similar but equally laughable statement that some men and their mothers come out with ...' she trapped him by getting pregnant.' Like her getting pregnant was nothing to do with him!
    As of 25th October 2016, I am not participating in this site. Until MSE sorts out the issue with insidious trouble-makers, it's no longer a place I wish to be. I can't be bothered with the constant battle with trolls.

    MSE is not a nice place to be at the moment, and hasn't been for a while now. So I'm outta here for the foreseeable future.
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 18th Oct 16, 10:59 AM
    • 4,701 Posts
    • 6,715 Thanks
    Kynthia
    He's being cruel to you, staying with you and saying these things. Particularly saying he never wanted to marry, so why did he do it and say those vows? He probably did at the time or is incredibly weak. I wonder if he's so adverse to looking like the bad guy that he's prepared to stay and continue hurting you until you end things, then he can say it was your idea?

    You need emotional support from someone while he's hurting you like this.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 18th Oct 16, 11:03 AM
    • 26,022 Posts
    • 89,352 Thanks
    Person_one
    I expect you're probably right about the other girl. The thing is, a brand new flirtation with no commitment and no responsibilities is bound to be a bit more exciting than a long term relationship with responsibilities and shared domestic duties and familiarity.

    He sounds like one of those men that are easily flattered and always think the grass is greener elsewhere, then do the same thing to the next woman a couple of years down the line, then the next, then the next...
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 18th Oct 16, 11:04 AM
    • 4,852 Posts
    • 6,366 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    I would agree with the suggestion to propose that you attend counselling together, as it can help you both to express how you feel and to clarify whether there is any possibility of continuing tgether.

    On the face of it, it sounds as though he has already made his mind up, but it is possible that has has mostly thought about @I'm not happy now'# and not 'why am I not happy now'

    If he is not prepared to go then that tells its own story,.

    You may still find it helpful, however. Relate will see you by yourself if you want, and you may that seful, particualrly if you don't feel able to talk to family or friends just yet.

    Also - think about how you feel. You say that you love him, but look at how he has treated you - either he lied to you about wanting to be maried, or he is lying now to try to shift the blame. How does he treat you generally?Ask youself how you would react if this was a friend's relationship and they were asking you for your advice.

    And bear in mind, he is adult. If he is seeing / attracted to another woman, that is 100% down to him. He is the one who is married - don't be fooled into blaming the 'other women'. He's a grown man and even if she came on to him, he knows he is marrie,d and it has always been in his pwer to say "no thanks, I'm married, and I'm not interested"
    And it is also down to him to work with you, as his wife, to determine what level of flirting or other intereaction with other people you as a couple are comfortable with.
    The responsibility is his and yours. No one can make him decide to leave, no one can make him ecide to flirt or anything else. Don't let him fool you into blaming the other woman involved or any other third party.
    • Peter333
    • By Peter333 18th Oct 16, 11:18 AM
    • 1,720 Posts
    • 5,405 Thanks
    Peter333
    I would agree with the suggestion to propose that you attend counselling together, as it can help you both to express how you feel and to clarify whether there is any possibility of continuing tgether.

    On the face of it, it sounds as though he has already made his mind up, but it is possible that has has mostly thought about @I'm not happy now'# and not 'why am I not happy now'

    If he is not prepared to go then that tells its own story,.

    You may still find it helpful, however. Relate will see you by yourself if you want, and you may that seful, particualrly if you don't feel able to talk to family or friends just yet.

    Also - think about how you feel. You say that you love him, but look at how he has treated you - either he lied to you about wanting to be maried, or he is lying now to try to shift the blame. How does he treat you generally?Ask youself how you would react if this was a friend's relationship and they were asking you for your advice.

    And bear in mind, he is adult. If he is seeing / attracted to another woman, that is 100% down to him. He is the one who is married - don't be fooled into blaming the 'other women'. He's a grown man and even if she came on to him, he knows he is married and it has always been in his power to say "no thanks, I'm married, and I'm not interested"
    And it is also down to him to work with you, as his wife, to determine what level of flirting or other interaction with other people you as a couple are comfortable with.
    The responsibility is his and yours. No one can make him decide to leave, no one can make him decide to flirt or anything else. Don't let him fool you into blaming the other woman involved or any other third party.
    Originally posted by TBagpuss
    Very good points.

    I do think the other woman has to take some responsibility though, as she knows he is married, but yes, it is wrong to blame just her, as some do.
    Last edited by Peter333; 18-10-2016 at 12:18 PM.
    As of 25th October 2016, I am not participating in this site. Until MSE sorts out the issue with insidious trouble-makers, it's no longer a place I wish to be. I can't be bothered with the constant battle with trolls.

    MSE is not a nice place to be at the moment, and hasn't been for a while now. So I'm outta here for the foreseeable future.
    • april101
    • By april101 18th Oct 16, 11:32 AM
    • 8 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    april101
    Thank you all so much for your support.

    One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

    With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

    He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

    Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

    Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 18th Oct 16, 11:50 AM
    • 8,231 Posts
    • 9,984 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I was with my first husband 6 years - only married for 3 months of that. He also decided he 'didn't love me any more'.


    He ummed and ahhed about whether to leave. Even expected to still go to a party the next night with me(!) so I said I didn't think he'd realised the severity of what he'd said and that he had to make a decision - stay or go. I knew he something had happened and guessed who with (his secretary). He denied everything, but confessed to my mum the next day after he'd moved out.


    I say catch him out, then YOU decide what you want to do. My ex's bit on the side got pregnant (yes, two to tango, but I think she knew exactly what she was doing - she'd just left her husband for him too). He used to cry on my doorstep/in our old house for months saying he wanted me back. I'd initially said to him stay away from her for 3 months and we'd talk about it, but he chose not to (I caught him out - he was still denying it).






    Jx
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