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    • moneycantbuyyouhappiness
    • By moneycantbuyyouhappiness 14th Oct 16, 2:55 PM
    • 158Posts
    • 300Thanks
    Need some words of comfort
    • #1
    • 14th Oct 16, 2:55 PM
    Need some words of comfort 14th Oct 16 at 2:55 PM
    Me and my partner completed on a house sale 23/09. On moving in and starting the plastering we found so many little things are wrong with the house that need sorting at some point.

    All was going ok and I was coping ok but I lost my Dad on 26/09 to a short fight with pancreatic cancer. I feel like my world has collapsed. I have come back to work this week and I am really struggling. I feel exhausted. I have no interest in the house at all and renovation costs are mounting and spiraling adding additional pressure.

    When I am at the house I am worried about My Mum alone at home.

    I really am trying to be strong, but am finding this so difficult. I am worried I have made a huge mistake with the house as it currently look like a bomb has hit it and I feel like I have fallen out of love with it.

    I have come down with a rubbish cold over the past two days and rushed about so much this morning on my way to work (I had to rush up to the new house to take a delivery) I parked the car up at work without buying a ticket ... So parking ticket for me.

    I just want to curl up under my duvet, be alone and sleep and cry.

    Any advice?
    LBM: 17 August 2015 Debt at Highest: £7632 DFD: 26 May 2016
    I am strong, because Iíve been weak - I am fearless, because Iíve been afraid
    I am wise, because Iíve been foolish
Page 1
    • I Love comps
    • By I Love comps 14th Oct 16, 3:08 PM
    • 227 Posts
    • 891 Thanks
    I Love comps
    • #2
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:08 PM
    • #2
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:08 PM
    I am not surprised how you feel at the moment - you are going through shock at your Fathers sudden death and coping with a new house and worried about your Mother too.
    My father died suddenly when I was 17 years old, many years ago now - I felt sleepy all the time.
    Take each day as it comes - do what has to be done - and gradually over time life will regain some normality - although not for a good while .
    Take Care of yourself .
    • clairesilverspar
    • By clairesilverspar 14th Oct 16, 3:23 PM
    • 19 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    • #3
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:23 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:23 PM
    Losing your Dad must have been very painful. I've very sorry you had that happen. I can only imagine that this grief alone is very hard to come to terms with.

    Remember too, that buying a house is one of the most stressful things you can do.

    With so much going on, have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling. Do you feel like you can share this with your partner?

    If this is just feeling a little bit down, I might just say bear with it. The house will start to look better the further along you get, and when you start to really put your own stamp on it, then it will start to feel like home, I'm sure. Take it slowly, one day, one job at a time and you'll get there.

    If, however, this feels like more than just feeling a bit sorry for yourself, I would really encourage you to talk to your partner, your GP, friends...whoever you feel you can share with. You'll get that bit of extra support, and if your GP feels like you need it, he may give you something to help lift your mood temporarily while you recover from the grief and stress. He may even feel like you need signing off from work for a short while.

    Also, in all of this, be sure you're having down time, just for you and for you and your partner. You need time where you're not stressing over the house, worrying about your mum or work. That little bit of "me time" is essential to your own wellbeing.

    Maybe try to write a list of all the good things that have happened each day too. This helps me to focus on the good rather than the bad. Every day has good in it, even if you have to look quite hard for it. Mine are sometimes as little as "Didn't get rained on today". It helps.

    I'm sending lots of hugs. You WILL get through this.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 14th Oct 16, 3:36 PM
    • 13,954 Posts
    • 35,736 Thanks
    • #4
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:36 PM
    • #4
    • 14th Oct 16, 3:36 PM
    Advice? Do curl up under your duvet. Sometimes that's the best thing we can do to rest emotionally, physically and psychologically. Just make sure you don't stay there too long, but a good session of hiding away from the world can be the best therapy to get up again with a 'I'm ready to go again attitude'.
    • Placitasgirl
    • By Placitasgirl 14th Oct 16, 4:08 PM
    • 50 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    • #5
    • 14th Oct 16, 4:08 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Oct 16, 4:08 PM
    Oh gosh, reading your post this could have been me writing it almost two years ago.

    In recent months and weeks you've been through some of the most stressful and difficult life experiences; buying a home, moving house and the loss of your dad. My sincere condolences on your loss.

    Two years ago I got a call at my desk at work at 8am. It was my dad telling me he'd found my mum unresponsive in a chair at home. Despite our best efforts and those of paramedics mum couldn't be saved. It was a huge shock for us all. Two months later my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers and began suffering with fairly minor, but recurring infections and illness.

    At the time I was an Executive Assistant working at a high level in a national organisation. I took some time off to deal with the administration of mum's affairs, arranging her funeral etc, then returned to work for 2 weeks until her funeral. I felt I had to keep going as it was the only "normality" in my life at the time, and I didn't want to let anyone down.

    Six weeks later I still felt just as you described. I had to haul myself out of bed for work in the mornings, wanted to sleep all the time, went shopping and came home without things I'd gone for, even though they were on my list and even managed to return my trolley in a supermarket car park, leaving my handbag containing my purse, phone, all sorts in the trolley.

    A few weeks later I was struck down with shingles. It's the most excruciatingly painful condition and I had what our GP said was the worst case he'd ever seen. This was my body's way of saying "if you're not listening to me I'm damn well going to make you stop!". I was ill for months and almost 2 years later still suffer horrible nerve pain if I get overtired or stressed.

    My advice to you is to listen to your body; it's simply trying to tell you what it needs to get you through the things that life has, and continues to throw at you. Take time out for you. If you're working can you take some leave? If not do visit your GP and ask to be signed off to allow you some time to deal with recent events and to help your body and mind to take the time and rest they need to stay healthy. Don't do as I did and keep going. I so wish I'd listened to my body and put myself into the equation before I had no option.

    I wish you well and hope that this is a help. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it might not even be a train coming the other way, but the tunnel is different for everyone and we all deal with life events differently. Let others help you by running you a bath or cooking for you but most importantly take some time out for you, book yourself a massage or pamper session where you can really relax and be you. Cry if you need to, or perhaps write down your thoughts and feelings and put them away in a drawer. Speak with your GP if you feel that may help. It may be that a short course of anti-depressants may help tide you through this difficult time and out the other side.

    Your post really resonated with me, and whilst I don't have all the answers I hope that some of my suggestions may help you. Two years on things are still difficult at times, but if I could turn the clock back I would have realised sooner that looking after myself had to be a priority too. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I hope you don't mind me sharing my experiences with you .

    I wish you well x
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 14th Oct 16, 5:13 PM
    • 20,249 Posts
    • 51,501 Thanks
    • #6
    • 14th Oct 16, 5:13 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Oct 16, 5:13 PM
    Advice? Do curl up under your duvet. Sometimes that's the best thing we can do to rest emotionally, physically and psychologically. Just make sure you don't stay there too long, but a good session of hiding away from the world can be the best therapy to get up again with a 'I'm ready to go again attitude'.
    Originally posted by FBaby

    Good advice. You need to take care of yourself at this awful sad time.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Madmel
    • By Madmel 14th Oct 16, 5:20 PM
    • 597 Posts
    • 1,160 Thanks
    • #7
    • 14th Oct 16, 5:20 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Oct 16, 5:20 PM
    Condolences from me too. Two of the most stressful things in life happening within a couple of days of each other is really really tough.

    I echo what other posters have written. Be kind to yourself. Don't stress about the house; does it matter if it takes months rather than weeks to sort? One thing I would suggest (depending on the work that needs doing) is to have one room which you can live with which becomes your haven. When you are surrounded by boxes, plaster dust and paint tins, it's so disheartening. If there is one space that is free from that, make some time each day to go in there and just chill. Cry, read, listen to music or just close your eyes and breathe deeply for a few minutes in there because it will help.

    I had a haven when we moved house. It's still probably the nicest room and we still haven't done a lot to it 10 years on! But it was somewhere I could go to unwind and forget about the chaos of the rest of the place.

    Best of luck x
    • Quizzical Squirrel
    • By Quizzical Squirrel 14th Oct 16, 7:22 PM
    • 93 Posts
    • 3,259 Thanks
    Quizzical Squirrel
    • #8
    • 14th Oct 16, 7:22 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Oct 16, 7:22 PM
    I think it's the lack of control that's causing you such additional anxiety at this time.

    You must feel like a little rudderless boat on the high seas, buffetted by high winds and unable to plot a course to get you to dry land.

    With the house, I would take some time to make a plan of what needs to be done, in what order and with whom, then just put it down for now and give yourself time. That's all for another day but you've acknowledged and structured your thoughts. It doesn't even matter if your plan isn't perfect at this time.

    Just having a plan set down will make you feel more organized and in control of that area, even if you're not ready to begin yet. Your brain will think it's in hand and can let go of it for now.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 14th Oct 16, 8:05 PM
    • 2,138 Posts
    • 4,406 Thanks
    • #9
    • 14th Oct 16, 8:05 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Oct 16, 8:05 PM
    A practical thing: you don't have to finish the house by Christmas or any other deadline. There is no need to rush. If it looks like a building site, it looks like a building site. It won't fall down if you step back from the renovation, so while you've got so much else to deal with just leave it. It will still be there when everything else has settled down, and you can take time for yourself and your family in the meantime.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • Nicki
    • By Nicki 15th Oct 16, 11:56 AM
    • 7,372 Posts
    • 25,917 Thanks
    I had some awful things happen over the summer and felt the way you describe. I was so shell shocked that I couldn't cry though I needed to.

    What helped to an extent was having an afternoon on my own watching a smaltzy tear jerking movie. I still didn't manage to let the tears flow, but I'd given myself permission to feel wretched and for some reason that did help. I also read some online advice about recovering from a bereavement and getting over a break up (neither of which was what had happened to me but I rationalised I was feeling the same way) and that helped too because it helped me realise that this too will pass.

    If you can call on some professional help do, but if you can't, finding a way to let the tears flow, and being able to own your feelings and realising that they will come and go, may bring you some comfort.

    • Judi
    • By Judi 15th Oct 16, 3:40 PM
    • 13,546 Posts
    • 53,037 Thanks
    Grief affects you in ways you wouldn't believe. Go easy on yourself.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 15th Oct 16, 4:01 PM
    • 21,160 Posts
    • 81,449 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Concentrate on just getting through today. Concentrate on you, which means if you need to spend the weekend sleeping and crying, do it.

    You have a new house which will be amazing in time; as long as there is a roof, windows and doors, toilet roll in the bathroom and somewhere to put a thermos flask of tea, anything else is a bonus. The house will still be there in a week, a fortnight or a month and you will get there in the end - the essential building work will just be a memory as you put the kettle on and make your Mum a cuppa when she visits you.

    The parking ticket is frustrating. But hey, you made it into work, you took the delivery, something had to give when you're under so much stress. You likely won't do it again, but even if you do, it's just a slight slip in concentration. Don't beat yourself up about it.

    This period of pressure and intense sorrow will ease. All you can do is try to deal with what you have to do Right Now and the rest can be dealt with at a later date.

    Tomorrow - deal with that tomorrow. Concentrate upon what you need Today.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • moneycantbuyyouhappiness
    • By moneycantbuyyouhappiness 17th Oct 16, 9:21 AM
    • 158 Posts
    • 300 Thanks
    Thank you everyone for your kind words. I decided to have a bit of me time on Friday. Went to Mum's house had a lovely long hot bath. Caught up on a bit of trash TV then had a Chinese with my best friend. Feeling much better today.

    As soon as I've started to stress less the house feels like it is starting to come together. OH has been a bit more sympathetic and realised we need down time.He thought he was helping by being at the house every waking hour working but it just made me feel a bit guilty and wanting to do the same even though I physically and emotionally couldn't.

    So just to say a bit thank you. You guys have really helped me feel better about feeling as stressed as I do. G
    LBM: 17 August 2015 Debt at Highest: £7632 DFD: 26 May 2016
    I am strong, because Iíve been weak - I am fearless, because Iíve been afraid
    I am wise, because Iíve been foolish
    • Placitasgirl
    • By Placitasgirl 17th Oct 16, 10:17 AM
    • 50 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    So pleased to hear you're feeling brighter and less stressed. This is a difficult time and there will be highs and lows, but factoring in some downtime for you both, and some "me time" for yourself is really important. Best wishes.
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