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  • FIRST POST
    • sammy_kaye18
    • By sammy_kaye18 13th Oct 16, 5:47 PM
    • 2,961Posts
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    sammy_kaye18
    No relationship between father and son...
    • #1
    • 13th Oct 16, 5:47 PM
    No relationship between father and son... 13th Oct 16 at 5:47 PM
    Hi All
    Some of you may know me because I frequent other boards but if not Hello

    Anyway I am having a dilemma at the minute with my son. Hes 12 years old and is in the second year of comprehensive. Hes always been a good student, relatively happy, has a good bunch of friends hes known since nursery etc......has a tendency to day dream - usual stuff.

    Anyway the last year or so things have been going downhill gradually. We had his parents evening last week and they said hes a bit slow getting to classes, daydreams, doesn't really do his homework (but its never written in his homework diary so I don't know he has it).

    Anyway I dragged his father to it and he told him off for his lack of effort and that was all that he said on the matter.

    Roll on to this week and on Tuesday I had a phone call from the school saying my son and a friend has been playing about in the toilets (its a strict school and during class time you have to sign for a key to go to the toilet) and one of them had set off the fire alarm. It turns out it was the boy my son was with and that he had admitted it.
    Either way he spent Wednesday in isolation with his deputy head of year.
    I then got a phone call from the deputy head to say he had actually missed the whole of his lesson messing round in the toilets so they were excluding him for the whole of Thursday and he could come back to school Friday.

    I rang my husband to tell him and his response was 'well I cant deal with that, you'll have to'. So I have confiscated his phone, grounded him and banned him from Scouts for this week. Hes also on report for two weeks in school as of tomorrow and what will be the week after half term.

    I had a heart to heart with my son last night and I think I have made him see sense now. His father came home though and didn't even acknowledge him or say two words to him.

    I'm sorry this is so long winded....but bare with me

    Today my son has been with my MIL whilst Ive been in work and hes been fine. Hes done all the work he was set. He got stuck on science so he asked his grandad who gave him some 1 to 1 help and he has taken it all in and seems happy. They even built circuits together in his grandads shed to help with the homework.

    But when hes talking about his dad/my husband - he is so unattached to him. My husband has another son who is 15 from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together also who is 6.
    Everything we do 'as a family' is me and the 3 kids - or me and my two kids.......we are never altogether because my husband doesn't want to be involved. Even when we are making plans (we see my step son one weekend a month), the kids never include their dad. My son refers to me, his sister and himself as the 3 musketeers.....all our days out are always the three of us.
    My husband doesn't come anywhere with us - through choice - not because hes working etc.....he spends no time with the kids in the evening either - he sits playing games on the PC or his phone. I may as well be a lone parent for all the input he gives me with the kids.

    He has all the time in the world for his other son though and makes a point of saying in front our two children that hes spending time/taking him/going with him to places......he does collect our daughter from school as well on his days off but our son (the middle child) he seems to have no time for at all.....

    I'm at a loss. I have tried talking to him and telling him what our son has said but it falls on deaf ears. His attitude is he doesn't want to bother with him if hes going to be such a naughty child so why should he speak to him. Even my MIL has seen how unattached he is from his dad and heard the way he talks about him and shes worried about it. I don't know what to do.

    Hes not a bad kid, I think hes just wanting attention but has gone about it in the wrong way. Hes one of the highest decorated scouts in his pack, he raises money for charities, he volunteers, his teachers all praise him for being a kind and considerate kid and have even said the last month or so is completely out of character for him.

    I dont know what to do.

    I could understand if we were separated and they didn't get much time together but me and his father have been together for 14 years!

    A husband who doesn't listen, and a son who seems to be asking for attention. Does anyone have any advice please?
    Back working and happy in my job
    ....Working on becoming Me ....
Page 2
    • GwylimT
    • By GwylimT 15th Oct 16, 4:34 PM
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    GwylimT
    You could be describing my mother!

    Virtually all kids are a bit of a nightmare at times, normally theres a clear reason, so in this case if a lack if positive attention from dad is a major cause, then your son will struggle to overcome this properly until his father starts being a father.

    No parents are perfect, but all parents should be doing their very best no matter how frustrating etc it can sometimes be.
    • Jackieboy
    • By Jackieboy 15th Oct 16, 5:55 PM
    • 251 Posts
    • 396 Thanks
    Jackieboy
    Not necessarily - after all, if a parent is disinterested for years when the kid has been, to all intents and purposes, a model child, to ignore it when they do something wrong reinforces the 'I don't care about you'. Why bother being well behaved, why bother being the one who does their homework, why bother walking away from stuff that sounds like a laugh if the only reward is the parent just not caring one way or the other?

    I wonder whether the not seeing the eldest was a response to his father not being particularly interested in the boy earlier? It often gets painted as the evil ex doing it to get back at the absent parent, but it's not always the case; sometimes it's the result of somebody having had enough of arguments about refusing to attend parents' evenings, not bothering with any school plays, not taking the kid out but leaving the other parent to be the only one engaged with their child and perhaps ignoring the child whether they do well or get into trouble. And, yes, seeing the absent parent suddenly become a hands on parent with a subsequent child when they've not been remotely interested in their first child's existence or wellbeing.


    The final part of that could also translate to your son - he's gone from feeling close to his father to possibly feeling cast aside once the eldest was back in the picture. To the extent that he's almost accepted it, going by his 'Three Musketeers' analogy. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still, but it's sad that he has been put in that position by his father.

    Refusing to speak to a child is abusive - it's sending the message that 'I don't care about you'. There's a whole world of difference between 'I don't know what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing because I'm disappointed/angry, so I'm going to take a little time to think before I speak' and 'I'm not speaking to HIM [because I know that will hurt /I don't actually care/I've got my boy so don't need to waste my time with another kid]', the latter being how it could feel to your son.


    It's not easy and, whilst the actual events leading to this aren't in themselves hugely significant (skivving off one lesson and being a bit of a wally, then getting caught because a mate is an ever bigger wally), as they're the sort of daft things that teenagers get up to at school - although I would point out to him that seriously, it's really not worth the hassle to be chewing gum in class when you're on report - the underlying stuff is significant.

    You can't make a parent care or be interested. But you can let your son talk about it to you if he wants, encourage time with his grandfather and hopefully the knowledge of the love and care that the rest of you freely give him will give him the emotional strength to cope with the failings of his father.

    Oh, and bearing in mind his age, he'll probably do a couple more daft things and still be forgetting to do his homework right up until halfway through Year 10 . It's what teenagers do - by year 11, all but a very few, usually those from the most chaotic homes, are sorted.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    As I said before - not good parenting, obviously , but certainly not abuse.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 15th Oct 16, 6:07 PM
    • 1,079 Posts
    • 2,204 Thanks
    Loz01
    Very tough - I would struggle to be married to someone who showed such blatant disinterest in his own child!! Not being bothered etc isn't good enough, he HAS to engage and try and support you and his son, it shouldn't all be put on your shoulders.

    Could they go out for a day, just the two of them and spend a bit of time together? Football, fishing, shopping, even just to KFC?? I know your husband might think this is "rewarding" him for bad behaviour but it sounds like some bridges need building...
    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity..
    • hollydays
    • By hollydays 15th Oct 16, 8:23 PM
    • 14,583 Posts
    • 10,377 Thanks
    hollydays
    Withholding affection, ignoring, silent treatment all powerful passive forms of emotional abuse.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 15th Oct 16, 8:25 PM
    • 1,118 Posts
    • 1,767 Thanks
    Robisere
    As the granddad of a ds and a dd whose marriages broke up, I see the granddad in this situation as a key family member.

    My ds has raised his two alone from very young and they do not miss their mother because the eldest unfortunately remembers the abuse and neglect. And our son has become a wonderful parent, blamed himself for the treatment the children received and has made a great life for them all. They are now 18 and 20 and turning into good, responsible people.

    My dd's eldest son was a very different story though. Her husband left her with a small child and ran to his secretary, whom he later married and divorced. Dad was coming to see his son at first, then stopped, demanding that our dd paid for his son to travel to see him. When she could not afford to do this, all contact with my grandson by his dad, ended. I fell into the male role model part at first by accident, but I became his confidant and I tried hard to do the best I could for him. I took him out, built computers, took him on holiday with us. Eventually he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, but as a very intelligent lad I helped him at college, where he managed by way of a great, understanding tutor, to pass exams and get a really good job in IT, where he is now a key member of the workforce. I helped him find a flat and his mum and grandma taught him to cook. His mum had found a much better partner and they had a daughter, now 11. They adore each other. It took a while for him to accept the new guy, but now they get along well. he is now in his early 20's.

    But all through this time I worried: how is he really doing inside, without a dad? I was loath to bring up his dad, but one day a couple of years ago, when I was helping him upgrade his latest monster PC, I asked him if he missed his dad. Back came the short, forceful answer "No!" I must have looked a bit upset, because his voice softened and he came back with "I don't need him granddad, haven't needed him since I was little. I have you." I cannot tell you how that made me feel.

    That is why I say that the granddad is the key to this problem. If he can get inside the grandson's head and find how he feels about his dad, granddad can try to pass that on to the dad. If dad is till not interested, let the lad have more time with granddad. A lad needs a male figure that he can just do stuff with, and most of all know that whatever he tells granddad, is not going anywhere else. That is what I used to tell my gson: "If you don't want anyone else to know, that's fine. But if it helps to tell someone, I'm here"
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 15th Oct 16, 9:08 PM
    • 21,271 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    <snippped>

    That is why I say that the granddad is the key to this problem. If he can get inside the grandson's head and find how he feels about his dad, granddad can try to pass that on to the dad. If dad is till not interested, let the lad have more time with granddad. A lad needs a male figure that he can just do stuff with, and most of all know that whatever he tells granddad, is not going anywhere else. That is what I used to tell my gson: "If you don't want anyone else to know, that's fine. But if it helps to tell someone, I'm here"
    Originally posted by Robisere

    Just wanted to say, Rob, you're amazing - even if you don't realise it.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
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