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  • FIRST POST
    • snowball2
    • By snowball2 13th Oct 16, 3:42 PM
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    snowball2
    Student daughter & boyfriend whats fair to ask in housekeeping?
    • #1
    • 13th Oct 16, 3:42 PM
    Student daughter & boyfriend whats fair to ask in housekeeping? 13th Oct 16 at 3:42 PM
    Me & DH have discussed it and think we should speak to them soon about making a contribution but im not sure how to approach it and what would seem fair/ground rules.

    My daughters boyfriend spends at least 75% of his time at our home, eating, showering ect (no laundry he still takes it back to his parents). He had just finished college but now has a job with an income of around £1200 a month.

    Also keeping in mind that my daughter will be finishing her A levels in July, and starting Uni in September (but living at home) and we will receive a drop in CTC and CB combined of around £300 a month, we still have 3 other children living at home so we will find it very difficult to manage financially with just the 3 school aged children never mind two extra adults in the house.

    My daughter has started a part time job which will pay around £300 a month which she will continue and she will get a a student grant/loan of around £6000 a year according to the online calculator.

    I hope this makes sense, thanks
    Trying to do it the OS way

    Gave up smoking 1 April 2006
Page 3
    • GwylimT
    • By GwylimT 16th Oct 16, 1:58 PM
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    GwylimT
    food - she lives at home, so no need to buy food
    utilities - ditto, still living with parents so no bills (unless mum chooses to bill her, or effectively the SLC/the taxpayer)
    transport can be paid for out of a part time job, as can a £5 per month giffgaff phone allowance. Clothes and toiletries, too.

    The only possible expense would be textbooks and equipment (depending on what course she's doing) but there's no way she'd need £6000 per year for that!! And you can get 2nd hand textbooks quite easily online.
    Originally posted by effervescing elephant
    Oh do uni students get free food tokens then?
    Do uni students get free tokens for utilities?
    Depending on the course part time work isn't possible and in many cases doesn't cover the basics.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 16th Oct 16, 3:50 PM
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    silvercar
    I think that's fair enough of your children don't get the full loan based on your income but if you're on a low enough income for them to get the full loan then I think they should contribute out of it.
    Originally posted by Jackieboy
    So for students whose parents don't contribute to their continued education, you think the student should pay them board, but parents who do give money to their offspring to help support them as students, they shouldn't receive anything!
    • Jackieboy
    • By Jackieboy 16th Oct 16, 4:02 PM
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    Jackieboy
    So for students whose parents don't contribute to their continued education, you think the student should pay them board, but parents who do give money to their offspring to help support them as students, they shouldn't receive anything!
    Originally posted by silvercar
    No, that wasn't what I said or meant.

    If students in the second situation are living at home then I think it's perfectly reasonable for them to be given their keep for free rather than for money to change hands - not both.

    For parents who are on a low enough income that no deduction is made from the student funding, then I think that it's reasonable for the student to pay for their keep if living at home (ie your first category).

    I think your expression "parents (who) don't contribute" is ambiguous generally and misleading in this context. It implies parents who should but don't contribute rather than those whose income is low enough for a contribution not to be required.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 16th Oct 16, 7:42 PM
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    mark5
    I would be telling the daughter that the boyfriend needs to be showering and eating at his own house and limit him staying over to once per week maximum.

    If the boyfriend is around so much, when does she study?
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 16th Oct 16, 11:07 PM
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    silvercar
    I would be telling the daughter that the boyfriend needs to be showering and eating at his own house and limit him staying over to once per week maximum.

    If the boyfriend is around so much, when does she study?
    Originally posted by mark5
    This is a whole other discussion - the age appropriateness of having a partner stay over, how many nights, what facilities they use etc. At what point the boundary between 'staying over' and 'moving in' is crossed.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 16th Oct 16, 11:13 PM
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    silvercar

    I think your expression "parents (who) don't contribute" is ambiguous generally and misleading in this context. It implies parents who should but don't contribute rather than those whose income is low enough for a contribution not to be required.
    Originally posted by Jackieboy
    It was meant to contrast those parents who aren't expected to contribute, then expecting their offspring to pay them from their loans vs those who are expected to contribute also providing free board as well as making a contribution.
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 17th Oct 16, 5:23 PM
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    NBLondon
    This is a whole other discussion - the age appropriateness of having a partner stay over, how many nights, what facilities they use etc. At what point the boundary between 'staying over' and 'moving in' is crossed.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    I guess on a moral footing - some parents would rather know where their 17 year old DD is sleeping rather than her being out all night. However, this case really does sound like boyfriend has gradually moved in - maybe the OP is a better cook than anyone in his own family?
    This Be the Verse - Philip Larkin. The first line that everyone knows.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 17th Oct 16, 6:01 PM
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    silvercar
    I guess on a moral footing - some parents would rather know where their 17 year old DD is sleeping rather than her being out all night. However, this case really does sound like boyfriend has gradually moved in - maybe the OP is a better cook than anyone in his own family?
    Originally posted by NBLondon
    Some parents would stamp their moral feet and demand that their 17 year old school girl be sleeping in her own bed alone, particularly on a school night.
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 17th Oct 16, 6:53 PM
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    Kim kim
    I didn't realise the daughter was 17. My daughter was in her early 20s & engaged before my son in law stayed.
    • snowball2
    • By snowball2 23rd May 17, 10:32 PM
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    snowball2
    Sorry I did not get back sooner to clarify on this post.

    I spoke to daughter & boyfriend as he was basically living here anyway and introduced a £30 a week board which he was happy to pay, and he now lives here full time. My daughter is very studious and having him here is far less distraction than being out all the time to see him.

    Moving along to now, my daughter is starting her degree in nursing in September.

    She will have a bursary as we live in Wales for her fees and she has been awarded a maintenance loan of £2544 as shes staying at home. As she had a bursary she was not eligible for any grants.

    I did not intend and have not asked her for any keep until she starts her Uni course in September when CB & CTC are cut, I have 3 other younger children and exactly the same household expenses with her continuing to live at home but we will be almost £300 a month worse off as of September.

    Now I have said £30 a week for her as well starting in September, but I am wondering if I should ask them both to contribute more?

    I wish I was in a position to fund everyone, but unfortunately I'm not.
    Last edited by snowball2; 23-05-2017 at 10:40 PM.
    Trying to do it the OS way

    Gave up smoking 1 April 2006
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 23rd May 17, 11:15 PM
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    onomatopoeia99
    I was paying my parents £25 / week when earning under £100/week in 1988 while working full time during my "year off" before university (I also paid this during the university holidays if I came home and was working). You are undercharging the boyfriend, by a lot.

    If you're happy having your daughter living with you, then I suggest you don't take too much of the £50/week she gets as a loan.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • leslieknope
    • By leslieknope 23rd May 17, 11:29 PM
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    leslieknope
    i would charge the boyfriend £300 per month. that seems reasonable for rent & food. daughter, it's up to you. she will need a lot of time to study and this may affect her ability to work enough hours and her loan won't go far - my books alone were almost £500 per year and i can imagine she would need more than i did.
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    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 23rd May 17, 11:34 PM
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    silvercar
    If your daughter and her BF moved out, how much would you save? that is the starting point for discussion, the CB and CTC for her are going regardless.
    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 24th May 17, 12:38 AM
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    Sambella
    Expecting your children to be able to replace what you lose in government handouts is rarely doable for them unless they earn enough.

    If you take £30 of her £48.92 per week you don't leave her much at all. You will then still have to help her out with clothes, transport etc from time to time.

    Leave her enough to buy some clothes and pay for transport etc as this in turn saves you having to pay for those things. If there are 7 eating in your house and you spend £500 a month on groceries that's only £71 per person per month each. Electric , heating etc will be less than this. The rent is yours regardless of whether the kids are there or not unless you downsize.

    You have to adapt to the

    You need to be in a position where you can meet all bills as an when your 4 children leave home.

    I've been there I know.

    I charge my son an amount that I will NOT miss if he moves out. I might even gain an extra £20-40 per month when he does. That's a far, far better position to be in.

    If my son was younger I'd be on tax credits based on my salary. So it took some doing but I adjusted to the loss.

    Charging the kids to cover the loss of tax credits just delays the loss really unless the mortgage is paid off or you downsize to a cheaper rental property.

    The more kids, the more tax credits, the greater the eventual loss.
    • snowball2
    • By snowball2 24th May 17, 1:20 AM
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    snowball2
    We could comfortably meet the bills and live on just our income if it was just the two of us, its these pesky kids that run up the costs feeding and clothing them, school lunches, bus fares ect, although I do expect my eldest daughter to buy her own things most of the time now as she has quite a bit of expendable income through her part time job. We have a small mortgage which will be finished while our two youngest will still be in school.

    The drop between 4 and 3 children is almost by half.
    Trying to do it the OS way

    Gave up smoking 1 April 2006
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 24th May 17, 6:51 AM
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    FBaby
    If your daughter and her BF moved out, how much would you save? that is the starting point for discussion, the CB and CTC for her are going regardless.
    I agree with this. What they should pay is not about what you are losing in benefits. That's your issue and that would happen regardless. It's about what it truly cost you to have them staying. £60 a week seems quite a lot extra cost, but it depends on what you are supplying for that amount, mainly in terms of food. Do they do no food shopping and therefore you buy everything for them, or do they also have their own cupboard and cook their own food, sitting with you only occasionally? This will make quite a difference.

    In terms of budget, take into consideration that any time they could be moving out and you would be with the £300 less anyway. Would you find yourself in the same position because that's how much less it would cost you not to have to support them any longer?
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 24th May 17, 10:03 AM
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    paddy's mum
    £30 a week (from the boyfriend) is an absolute dream, for him! Where else will he find lodgings with everything provided for less than the average cost of one night's B & B?

    Unless he is doing a great deal else in order to help with the smooth running of the household of which he has elected to become part (such as gardening, washing cars etc) then you, OP, are in fact subsidising a young man to the detriment of your own family.

    If he wasn't there, you could have a lodger in the same space who was paying a fair rent, and on an income of £1200 a month, this young chap could well afford to pay more.

    In the opening post, you describe him as an 'adult' and it's time he learnt that adults see for themselves what is and is not fair and do something about it.
    • penguingirl
    • By penguingirl 24th May 17, 10:41 AM
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    penguingirl

    If he wasn't there, you could have a lodger in the same space who was paying a fair rent, and on an income of £1200 a month, this young chap could well afford to pay more.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    I somehow doubt that the OP would be allowing a lodger to share a room with their teenage daughter, so it's not quite the same.

    OP I think you need to work out what your goals are- is it to replace the loss of child benefit? Or is it to cover the costs of having extra adults in the house? Do you want them to live with you? The risk of charging too much is that they decide to move out- that may or may not be what you want. What about think about it more like a house share? They are expected to pay a share of the bills, food etc (or cook independently). That way you are preparing them for normal bills, rather than putting an arbitrary figure on it.
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 24th May 17, 5:57 PM
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    gycraig
    If she has taken out a student loan and isnt needing it, she really ought to be saving it towards paying her loan off early... but we are talking about kids here...
    Originally posted by Judi
    It's a loan like any other, if someone was planning to take out a 5k loan they didn't need they would be laughed off the board.

    It's great that you could afford to "carry" your kids in uni etc but not every parent can afford to and the whole point of the loan is to cover living expenses it's not designed (although is often used as) money to !!!! up the wall and get drunk every weekend
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 24th May 17, 6:41 PM
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    silvercar
    It's a loan like any other, if someone was planning to take out a 5k loan they didn't need they would be laughed off the board.
    This just isn't true. It is a loan that is written off if you never earn enough to pay it all back and where the payments are determined by income not loan agreement.

    Believing that it is a loan like any other, is what puts people off going to university.
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