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    • Potternerd
    • By Potternerd 7th Oct 16, 9:18 AM
    • 80Posts
    • 142Thanks
    Managing teens
    • #1
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:18 AM
    Managing teens 7th Oct 16 at 9:18 AM
    DS has always been pretty biddable hung out with friends who are into football Pokemon go etc. he has recently started 6 th form and made a new group of friends who smoke, drink and some of whom do drugs. He says he hasn't done drugs or cigs and I am inclined to believe him, but also concerned about dangers he is putting himself in. OH says if we're really draconian, once he turns 18 he'll just go but I'm concerned about now. I'd be really grateful to hear any thoughts, suggestions etc.
Page 1
    • martinthebandit
    • By martinthebandit 7th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    • 2,808 Posts
    • 4,603 Thanks
    • #2
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    • #2
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:24 AM
    My only useful advice is........

    Teenagers, nothing wrong with them that a few years growing up won't cure.
    Politics -
    from the words Poli, meaning many
    and tics meaning blood sucking parasites

    (thanks to Kinky Friedman (or Larry Hardman) for the quote}
    • borkid
    • By borkid 7th Oct 16, 9:45 AM
    • 1,048 Posts
    • 1,912 Thanks
    • #3
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:45 AM
    • #3
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:45 AM
    Your OH is right. My daughter went around with a man about 10 years older than when she was in 6th form her ( she was old for her age) . She said they were just friends, instead of trying to stop her from seeing him we treated him as any other friend and invited him around. Once he was around for dinner, we kept on as usual, stupid jokes talks about books and music, he was out of his depth and she noticed. It soon fizzled out.

    She'd had some other friends when she was in early teens we weren't keen on again we invited them in. There was only one occassion when we had to ask one to leave . He was swearing and was told in no uncertain terms that he stop or leave as swearing wasn't allowed in our home by anyone. Again another short term friendship.

    With my son I could 'drip feed' suggestions and he would take them on board so long as I didn't say do or don't do something it was OK.

    You know your son and how he would react. Teenage years are hell for both the teenager and the parents.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 7th Oct 16, 10:14 AM
    • 5,631 Posts
    • 13,967 Thanks
    • #4
    • 7th Oct 16, 10:14 AM
    • #4
    • 7th Oct 16, 10:14 AM
    +1 for keep on inviting the oddities into the family home where they are more easily seen to be odd.

    I've always been the Bad Cop when it comes to insisting on homework, spelling, attendance at Parents Evening etc, and I have not backed off one millimetre even as they loom over me & grunt. (In fact, I think one quite enjoys being lectured - it seems to need doing every few weeks.)
    • Laz123
    • By Laz123 7th Oct 16, 10:50 AM
    • 1,338 Posts
    • 798 Thanks
    • #5
    • 7th Oct 16, 10:50 AM
    • #5
    • 7th Oct 16, 10:50 AM
    As the advert says: "Always keep away from children..."
    I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 7th Oct 16, 11:05 AM
    • 11,613 Posts
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    • #6
    • 7th Oct 16, 11:05 AM
    • #6
    • 7th Oct 16, 11:05 AM
    Everyone experiments, most grow out of it quickly
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 7th Oct 16, 8:45 PM
    • 2,608 Posts
    • 2,008 Thanks
    • #7
    • 7th Oct 16, 8:45 PM
    • #7
    • 7th Oct 16, 8:45 PM
    Give your son due credit for not being involved rather than treat him as if he is.

    Discuss with him the dangers , not lecture him.

    I always explained to my teenagers why I held a view.

    On one occasion my 17 year old told me he intending doing something with his friends. I can't remember now what it was but I was not happy abut it. However, rather than forbid hime I told him I was not happy about it and why.

    A week later he came to me and said I have been thinking about it and have decided not to go.

    No rows, no bad feeling, just a happy mummy.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 7th Oct 16, 8:49 PM
    • 4,412 Posts
    • 5,557 Thanks
    • #8
    • 7th Oct 16, 8:49 PM
    • #8
    • 7th Oct 16, 8:49 PM
    As well as the dangers, simply adding up the likely cost over a year or two can be effective. 5 cigs a day is about £700 a year, and I bet he can think of something better to do with that sum.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Oct 16, 9:31 PM
    • 36,685 Posts
    • 32,858 Thanks
    • #9
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:31 PM
    • #9
    • 7th Oct 16, 9:31 PM
    The best way of encouraging a child not to smoke is not to smoke yourselves. And the children who don't smoke are less likely to try drugs.

    The experimentation with alcohol is almost a given. I just encouraged mine to make sure that they were looking out for their friends, so their friends would look out for them. I remember one of Tony Blair's sons being picked up by the police, very drunk after his GCSEs finished, and his 'mates' had just left him.

    I also made sure mine knew what their rights were if they were arrested ... and NEVER to argue with the police if one of their friends was arrested!
    I'm a Board Guide on the Cutting Tax; Charities; Small Biz & Charity Organisers; and Silver Savers boards, which means I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. However, do remember, Board Guides don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to It is not part of my role to deal with reportable posts.

    Any views are mine and are not the official line of
    Still knitting! Current projects: 2 shawls, 2 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure ...
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 7th Oct 16, 10:01 PM
    • 8,178 Posts
    • 9,876 Thanks
    Is 6th form still only for two years? If he can keep out of trouble for that time, he'll prob be off to Uni or working after that.

    When you say drugs, is a bit of weed or nitrous oxide, or are we talking coke or something else?

    Any chance of him meeting a girl? Might help keep him on the straight and narrow. I was with my first real BF for 3 years from 14. I'm sure it kept me out of trouble lol.

    2016 wins: ESPA gift set; jumper; lip balm x 2; kitchen scales; perfume; shoes; theatre tickets; Champagne; books; After Eights; Diet Coke; Molton Brown duo; fish slice; travel set
    • just trying
    • By just trying 7th Oct 16, 10:14 PM
    • 622 Posts
    • 2,101 Thanks
    just trying
    I've got 2 teenagers personally I would go down the advice road, they seem to take that in. I would believe him if he says, he's not smoking etc.

    If you roar and shout they ignore you and think what does she know, as adults do to. If you speak they take it in listen and most importantly think.
    • Potternerd
    • By Potternerd 8th Oct 16, 8:37 AM
    • 80 Posts
    • 142 Thanks
    Thank you all for all of your brilliant advice I shall take it all on board and really appreciate it. Not sure he'll go for the inviting people round as he thinks me and OH deeply embarrassing though
    • borkid
    • By borkid 8th Oct 16, 9:56 AM
    • 1,048 Posts
    • 1,912 Thanks
    Thank you all for all of your brilliant advice I shall take it all on board and really appreciate it. Not sure he'll go for the inviting people round as he thinks me and OH deeply embarrassing though
    Originally posted by Potternerd
    They all do but the invite could be 'why don't you bring your friends into play ..... ( whatever is their latest computer game say) and I'll make sandwiches ( or whatever youngsters eat these days) . I found teenage lads had hollow legs and never refused food. You could also act the dumb mum re the game ' I was always hopeless at this, can you explain it to me please'. Then at least you would get to know his friends a little better on your turf so to speak and be very polite to them ( I'm sure you would be) so no excuse there if you wanted to invite them back..
    • ibizafan
    • By ibizafan 8th Oct 16, 11:27 AM
    • 533 Posts
    • 588 Thanks
    My youngest son went through a stage when he was around 15, of going down the park with his friends and drinking. He also sprayed his hair green and had an earring. I decided not to go mad about any of this and pick my battles. Luckily, he was at a very academic grammar school, and his friends were all from decent homes, and despite being in trouble at school for not working hard enough, he turned it around at the last minute. He is now 31 and a senior accountant in Australia with a lovely girlfriend and a baby daughter. I worried myself sick at times, but things often work themselves out.
    • ThomasMJacobs
    • By ThomasMJacobs 14th Oct 16, 11:42 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Just have faith in your son and be patient!
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