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    • skintmostofthetime
    • By skintmostofthetime 6th Oct 16, 6:21 AM
    • 292Posts
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    skintmostofthetime
    silent treatment
    • #1
    • 6th Oct 16, 6:21 AM
    silent treatment 6th Oct 16 at 6:21 AM
    Hi... has anybody dealt wth 'silent treatment' ... where your partner for whatever reason decides that they are annoyed with you so merely ignores you ... or insults you if they do speak ?
    Had this for sometime and whilst I can read all about it being for obssessive or narcissistic people actually DEALING with it is hard. Any useful suggestions please.
Page 4
    • Lily-Rose
    • By Lily-Rose 7th Oct 16, 6:58 PM
    • 2,104 Posts
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    Lily-Rose
    My husband packed in trying the silent treatment when our children made it very clear that this sort of thing was not what they wanted needed or expected from grownups. Let alone parents.

    That I was in another country at the time undoubtedly made this unpalatable message clearly from them to him, and he took their opinions on board.

    If it's just the two of you, do please have a careful think about how often this happens & if you really want to grow old with this person & this particular habit?
    Originally posted by DigForVictory


    Comes to something when you're being scolded by your kids for being childish!

    Occasionally my hubby behaves bratty, when he can't get his own way, and our daughter scolds him and says he is being a pillock! And he actually starts behaving!

    Silent treatment is infuriating.

    However, even worse is saving it up and being subject to a tirade of verbal abuse in front of all my friends. To the point where I'm no longer invited out to gatherings.
    Originally posted by lewishardwick
    And you're still with this man?!

    A twenty minute sulk fair enough, keeping it going even overnight let alone a couple of days and I'd be packing their bags for them.
    Originally posted by duchy
    Same... Well I would tolerate it for maybe half a day (like an afternoon,) but any longer than that would drive me crazy. Although I would be most likely to scream at him to grow up!
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    • OldMotherTucker
    • By OldMotherTucker 7th Oct 16, 8:47 PM
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    OldMotherTucker
    I have zero tolerance for Passive Aggression. It took me a long time to understand and recognise it, but it's apparently very common in families of alcoholics. My 2 sisters are the worst for it.

    It's not a healthy basis for a relationship and can have further reaching consequences! I stand by what I said earlier in this thread - you have to confront it.

    If you can't resolve the situation by asking 'what have I done wrong and why are you ignoring me/talking to me like sh1t3? then walk away!!
    I don't know the future but the past looks clearer every day
    • SailorSam
    • By SailorSam 7th Oct 16, 10:05 PM
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    SailorSam
    I went on a tour a few weeks ago of Liverpool Town Hall. The tour guide Steve Binns knew all the history and told some facinating stories, just what you'd expect maybe, but Steve is blind, and yet still guided us around. I forget all the details, but when showing us all the old paintings, there was one of a Lord Mayor (a couple of hundred years ago), and this guy had an arguement with his wife, about her cat, And she never spoke to him again for the rest of her life, 20 odd years.
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 8th Oct 16, 6:53 AM
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    FBaby
    I'd much rather have the silent treatment than a confrontational, everything is black and white, screaming harridan from hell. It's not an attractive trait. Best to get rid.
    This made me laugh! It used to be me! It would normally start trying to get a conversation, but when it felt it was becoming just one sided (because OH didn't see it coming and didn't know how to respond on the spot), the frustration would take over and I would explode, leading to him doing the same before going quiet for a few day, ie. giving the silent treatment!

    So according to this thread, he should have long dumped me, or maybe I should have been quicker and dumped him before he did! I'm pleased to report that instead, we learn to adapt to our different ways and we continue to be very happily married!

    Do people really give up that easily in real life the second they face difficulties? It's no surprise the divorce rate is so low if people consider that unless their relationship is perfect, it is not worth keeping.
    • catkins
    • By catkins 8th Oct 16, 12:02 PM
    • 5,205 Posts
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    catkins
    Hubby, when we've had a MAJOR row, will go silent for a couple of days but in no way is he narcissistic, passive aggressive or childlike.

    It's his way of dealing with the arguement usually so that he can gather his thoughts so it can be discussed at a later date.
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    A couple of DAYS of sulking? No way would I be able to put up with that. I can understand wanting to think things through but not for that length of time.

    Also what exactly is the point of wanting to discuss things at a later date? If you argue about something it should be sorted asap surely?

    My ex boyfriend was a sulker and that drove me mad. I would get more and more angry. He couldn't even just have a calm discussion no he had to sulk.

    Thankfully my OH never sulks. We try to have a calm reasoned talk or argument but, I will be honest, we often shout at each other (me pretty loudly) BUT our arguments are always short and then that's it over and done with.

    Neither of us can stay angry with the other for long and we normally end up just laughing. Even if I feel furious about something I just can't stay angry with him.

    We used to have friends where the husband was a sulker. He would quite often not speak to his wife for weeks on end. I think the longest was about 2 months! They are not still together
    The world is over 4 billion years old and yet you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie
    • -taff
    • By -taff 8th Oct 16, 7:53 PM
    • 6,468 Posts
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    -taff
    One thing that I have learned in my marriage is that empathy and compromise is what a relationship prosper.
    Originally posted by FBaby

    Only if both partners are doing it.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 8th Oct 16, 11:58 PM
    • 1,730 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    A couple of DAYS of sulking? No way would I be able to put up with that. I can understand wanting to think things through but not for that length of time.

    Also what exactly is the point of wanting to discuss things at a later date? If you argue about something it should be sorted asap surely?

    My ex boyfriend was a sulker and that drove me mad. I would get more and more angry. He couldn't even just have a calm discussion no he had to sulk.

    Thankfully my OH never sulks. We try to have a calm reasoned talk or argument but, I will be honest, we often shout at each other (me pretty loudly) BUT our arguments are always short and then that's it over and done with.

    Neither of us can stay angry with the other for long and we normally end up just laughing. Even if I feel furious about something I just can't stay angry with him.

    We used to have friends where the husband was a sulker. He would quite often not speak to his wife for weeks on end. I think the longest was about 2 months! They are not still together
    Originally posted by catkins
    See on the rare occasions when it's happened I don't see it as sulking - I see it as him.processing the cause if the arguement so that we can discuss the it rationally. As I said it's only ever happened over really major issues so I don't have an issue with it.

    If he did this every time we disagreed about something I would see your point but he doesn't.
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    • duchy
    • By duchy 9th Oct 16, 12:04 AM
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    duchy
    Two days to process is a bit ridiculous especially when teamed with refusing to speak to you . I think you are making excuses for him. He's not processing he's just refusing to allow you a say and making it clear he has zero respect for your position.its a power game to control you .
    Last edited by duchy; 09-10-2016 at 12:08 AM.
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    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 9th Oct 16, 12:32 AM
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    Gloomendoom
    If the silent treatment is regarded as passive aggression, is confrontation regarded as active aggression?
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 9th Oct 16, 10:42 AM
    • 4,411 Posts
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    74jax
    Hubby, when we've had a MAJOR row, will go silent for a couple of days but in no way is he narcissistic, passive aggressive or childlike.

    It's his way of dealing with the arguement usually so that he can gather his thoughts so it can be discussed at a later date.
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    If we have something that we both can't see eye to eye on and it's at the point of a full blown argument (I'm trying to think of an example but can't right now) then I tend to say 'just leave me alone' and either stomp off or hubby will go on computer etc. Rather than both shout at each other. BUT it's for maybe 15-20mins. Then I'll go and speak to him or he'll find me and ask of I'm OK now. Then we talk about it.

    If I was silent for TWO DAYS??? then hubby wouldn't get his say either. By the time we spoke it would be old news. How do you eat, sleep, love around each other for that length of time?

    I prefer to calm down, then talk rather than shout, then put it behind us, an hour or two later job done. Not two days later??
    Last edited by 74jax; 09-10-2016 at 10:45 AM.
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    • beckysbobbles1
    • By beckysbobbles1 10th Oct 16, 3:59 PM
    • 250 Posts
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    beckysbobbles1
    I know people through around "abuse" quite easily these days but I do see this as emotional abuse.


    If he is ignoring you to punish you then that's not right. I understand people need time to think and reflect but a few days is a long time.


    If he ignores your calls/text, what would happen if you had an accident and needed him?


    Some people sadly will never change so if you've spoken to him about it then you either need to accept his behaviour or move on.


    If you accept the behaviour my tips would be try not to contact him at all. If you do then he can be given the power to ignore you more. Give him the space he wants.


    Keep yourself busy with a hobby, catching up with friends or exercise to take your mind off it.


    Don't give him any more power to punish you!!!
    • freda
    • By freda 10th Oct 16, 10:09 PM
    • 491 Posts
    • 520 Thanks
    freda
    Have only scanned 1st and last post, so ignore if not applicable. IME, silent treatment from oh to me was due to undiagnosed depression. I only know this retrospectively though, and the.emotional repercussions for me are on going over 3 years later.
    • skintmostofthetime
    • By skintmostofthetime 19th Oct 16, 1:11 PM
    • 292 Posts
    • 203 Thanks
    skintmostofthetime
    Thanks for all the comments... some more helpful than others! Yes was husband, silence IS used to bully, I can see that. Splitting up ... may come to that, depression .. yes probably but he will not admit it and will DEF not take anything... could be caused by morphine due to 6 operations in 5 years but been off that for at least 3 years now. 'Things' don't work as they used too ... ! So he does get p****d off about that... and I no longer feel that I should be the one to instigate affection all the time. I am more concerned now about other things he does... Willy waving being one.... in our back garden but if he gets seen and reported.. do I deny knowing or what? Latest today was due to not being to park outside a hospital. I was driving. Got my bag thrown at me. I said to take the car and park where he could and then come and find me inside. He find me but only to give me the keys then sat outside for the hour it took. Then ignored me all way home, and is now shut away in bedroom. Ho hum. Will be a quiet day.
    Been together for 30 years but only this bad for last few. Did he hide it well or have I just got more aware?
    Cheers to all.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 19th Oct 16, 2:27 PM
    • 500 Posts
    • 1,140 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    Thanks for all the comments... some more helpful than others! Yes was husband, silence IS used to bully, I can see that. Splitting up ... may come to that, depression .. yes probably but he will not admit it and will DEF not take anything... could be caused by morphine due to 6 operations in 5 years but been off that for at least 3 years now. 'Things' don't work as they used too ... ! So he does get p****d off about that... and I no longer feel that I should be the one to instigate affection all the time. I am more concerned now about other things he does... Willy waving being one.... in our back garden but if he gets seen and reported.. do I deny knowing or what? Latest today was due to not being to park outside a hospital. I was driving. Got my bag thrown at me. I said to take the car and park where he could and then come and find me inside. He find me but only to give me the keys then sat outside for the hour it took. Then ignored me all way home, and is now shut away in bedroom. Ho hum. Will be a quiet day.
    Been together for 30 years but only this bad for last few. Did he hide it well or have I just got more aware?
    Cheers to all.
    Originally posted by skintmostofthetime
    Whats Willy waving? He likes walking around outside naked? Or is he trying to expose himself to others?
    Were you driving when he threw your bag at you? Either way he'd have been either apologising or walking home.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • 166million
    • By 166million 21st Oct 16, 7:21 PM
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    166million
    Might he have early dementia?
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    • JoJoB
    • By JoJoB 21st Oct 16, 8:45 PM
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    JoJoB
    The "willy waving" is an extra concern, which makes it difficult to ascertain exactly what is going on with his mental health, but whatever it is, exposing himself in public is a serious issue and not normal behaviour.

    In regard to the silent treatment there are various degrees of this, Some are relatively understandable personality traits, but some veer on personality disorders. I have a friend who's marriage is breaking up because of the latter, who's husband does this for weeks on end, complete avoidance reflected in his avoidance of other things in life such as social events, developing a career, learning to drive, spending time with family etc.

    Look at the bigger picture, is the silent treatment a thing on its own or part of a bigger picture of avoidance and distortion of thinking?
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 22nd Oct 16, 8:34 AM
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    FBaby
    The silent treatment seems more like the outcome of a very damaged marriage than a problem of its own.

    You both sound very unhappy together. Do you still love him?
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 22nd Oct 16, 8:55 AM
    • 76 Posts
    • 284 Thanks
    Elinore
    I go for the silent treatment. The OH and I are both really laid back so arguments are really rare. We ave one every 7 years lol

    This being said, if i get my dander up i go from sweet, pleasant and chilled to a massive thundering temper - huge. I mean erupting volcano type of outburst - made all the suprising as i am normally very quiet and gentle.

    So massive that it takes a while for me to simmer down. I am not talking the days or weeks people on here have mentioned but a day or so.

    I love my wonderful OH and wouldn't want to say the nasty horrible things that rise to the surface when my temper is raging - its not fair or right. but my temper has a itchy trigger finger for a few days.

    So i shut up and avoid until the lid is back on the box.

    As we are adults we can talk about it later so he knows this is my coping mechanism, its not a punishment or a rebuke.

    (he sulks, really sulks - uggh. Luckily, as said before its rare we argue - thank goodness as it brings out the worst in both of us)
    Last edited by Elinore; 22-10-2016 at 8:57 AM.
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