Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • theguru
    • By theguru 4th Oct 16, 1:35 PM
    • 622Posts
    • 275Thanks
    theguru
    How do i deal with her after all this...
    • #1
    • 4th Oct 16, 1:35 PM
    How do i deal with her after all this... 4th Oct 16 at 1:35 PM
    Ok i'm in a bit of a low after some news from my stbx...

    If i give you my story i would appreciate your thoughts and maybe some advice with how to deal with the future.

    Together for 7 years then married for 2 years with a daughter who is now 5 years old, before she told me she wanted a divorce, she didn't want to try counselling and wanted a quick divorce.

    Ok so we were living in the same house even though i worked away for 50% of the time and waiting for our house to sell.
    We agreed to start doing our own thing when i was home (she spent long weekends away with friends every time i was home looking after our little girl) and trying to be civil and not to upset our little girl or confuse her.

    It was going ok until her solicitor started filling her head of what she could get from me, basically taking everything from the house sale (which i sold all my shares, savings plans to buy, something i had before i even met her).

    There was plenty of rows and she was buying things for her future house out of the joint account and thats when the mud slinging started, plenty of row's telling me it was all my fault (i agreed to take there blame for the divorce to rush it through,all the while i had to keep my mouth shut as my solicitor told me she could take more if she wanted than the 50/50 we had agreed).

    We then had an offer on our home accepted so we then started to look for our own place. I found somewhere close by my family and close to my old address so i could spend less time travelling with my daughter.

    Over the course of the year i had to put up with her telling me to get out, saying she could see whoever she wanted, started hiding emails and texts and taking calls outside if i was home, all the while i had to put money into the joint account over and above what i should of to keep the household going whilst she spent money like no tomorrow and even sending money to her mothers bank account even though she denied it to her's and my solicitor (clear as day on the bank statements).

    Anyway i moved into my place and set about renovating it whilst waiting for the divorce to finally come through (decree absolute any time now).

    When i've been home i've had my little girl more than we agreed so she could have nights out, weekends away?

    Anyway this weekend i dropped my little girl off and she told me she has started seeing someone, this someone is a old friend and used to go out with her best mate and it ended badly. I remember her telling me this guy had always said he should of been with my stbx instead of her friend and i also remember my stbx telling me he was lovely.

    So she tells me she's been seeing this guy for only 3 weeks and they met in a furniture place by accident, even though they live 30 miles apart and the nearest store is miles from both of them. She told me again how nice he is and wants me to meet him and that she will be introducing him to my daughter slowly.

    Basically i'm numb as i don't believe anything she says and i think she's been seeing this guy for a long time before and she's finally saying it now that we are basically days away from finally being divorced. She keeps saying to me we are getting on well, but i'm only been civil because of my daughter, i'll never forget the things she said to me during the past year, and even though her family said to stay in touch i want nothing to do with them as i feel like they have known something i didn't.

    My parents and best friends have also been biting their tongues and have finally told me that they always believed this woman was seeing someone else.

    Anyway i've been avoiding her calls for the last 2 days and finally spoke to her, she says she cares about me and wants me to be ok and wants me to meet this new guy!

    I've basically told her i want nothing to do with this guy or her life other than when i need to contact her to speak to my daughter or arrange pick-ups or drop-offs.

    Inside i'm raging as i believe i've been walked all over by her over the past year and this was just the final kick in the balls by her, especially as i have had to bite my tongue.

    She has known all along my biggest regret over this sorry episode is the fact that another man will be coming into my daughter's life and that is killing me inside.

    Anyway thats my story over the last year, now i finally get some closure in the next few days, weeks but deep down i can't bear this woman and it's killing me having to be civil to her...

    Any advice or comments appreciated...
Page 3
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 11th Oct 16, 11:35 AM
    • 3,812 Posts
    • 13,841 Thanks
    Slinky
    In what way do you think that opinions/advice have been skewed because the OP is male?

    I can't see it myself.
    Originally posted by LilElvis
    There's been no mention to the OP of trying to become the primary parent.
    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 11th Oct 16, 1:24 PM
    • 146 Posts
    • 159 Thanks
    Sambella

    She's already asking me to look after her when I get home for longer than agreed in the divorce papers so she can go away, of course I will do it but just another example of her getting away with what she wants...
    Originally posted by theguru
    If you agree to her every whim she will do it all the more. You are in effect giving her what she wants. It is a bit of a moral dilemma as it gives you quality time with your daughter but if you give the ex an inch she will take 500 miles it seems.

    I would say if you have no plans and are happy to have your daughter then go for it but if you have plans think hard before changing them. Time will soon tell how often she plans to use you so that she can do stuff with the new guy.

    You are not there to assist with their social life!
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 11th Oct 16, 2:12 PM
    • 3,687 Posts
    • 10,155 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    You call her your 'stbx' in your posts - but reading between the lines it's a while since she asked for a divorce. Living in the same house or not, she was in her eyes your ex, and you hers.

    My thoughts are that you were almost acting as if you were still married to her, despite the divorce going through - maybe hoping it would all go away?

    As others have said, it doesn't actually matter now how long she's being seeing this chap, your marriage is over whether he's involved or not. Don't be precious about how much time the courts said you can have your daughter - look upon any extra time as a bonus. Get on with your new life and close the door on the old one. The only constant is your daughter, and make sure that she doesn't become a pawn in your hurt.
    • theguru
    • By theguru 12th Oct 16, 3:01 PM
    • 622 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    theguru
    If you agree to her every whim she will do it all the more. You are in effect giving her what she wants. It is a bit of a moral dilemma as it gives you quality time with your daughter but if you give the ex an inch she will take 500 miles it seems.

    I would say if you have no plans and are happy to have your daughter then go for it but if you have plans think hard before changing them. Time will soon tell how often she plans to use you so that she can do stuff with the new guy.

    You are not there to assist with their social life!
    Originally posted by Sambella
    I know what your saying but working away I'd like my daughter to stay as much as possible when I'm home but that's not practical.

    I did refuse last week to pick up my daughter from school and drive rush hour traffic then probably have my daughter for an hour before she went to sleep then having to get up early the next morning to go back through traffic. That would not of been quality time, and I was questioned why not then? Her words were 'cutting my nose off to spite my face' I wasn't to happy at that comment...

    Also I really don't care about her life now, just the thought of been taken for a mug over the last year etc etc was what was getting to me, being walked all over just so I could come out the other end with something to show over the last 10 years, I.e my finances to be able to buy another property...
    I'm done and moving on with mine and my daughters life, no worries anymore...
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

4,724Posts Today

8,460Users online

Martin's Twitter