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  • FIRST POST
    • theguru
    • By theguru 4th Oct 16, 1:35 PM
    • 622Posts
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    theguru
    How do i deal with her after all this...
    • #1
    • 4th Oct 16, 1:35 PM
    How do i deal with her after all this... 4th Oct 16 at 1:35 PM
    Ok i'm in a bit of a low after some news from my stbx...

    If i give you my story i would appreciate your thoughts and maybe some advice with how to deal with the future.

    Together for 7 years then married for 2 years with a daughter who is now 5 years old, before she told me she wanted a divorce, she didn't want to try counselling and wanted a quick divorce.

    Ok so we were living in the same house even though i worked away for 50% of the time and waiting for our house to sell.
    We agreed to start doing our own thing when i was home (she spent long weekends away with friends every time i was home looking after our little girl) and trying to be civil and not to upset our little girl or confuse her.

    It was going ok until her solicitor started filling her head of what she could get from me, basically taking everything from the house sale (which i sold all my shares, savings plans to buy, something i had before i even met her).

    There was plenty of rows and she was buying things for her future house out of the joint account and thats when the mud slinging started, plenty of row's telling me it was all my fault (i agreed to take there blame for the divorce to rush it through,all the while i had to keep my mouth shut as my solicitor told me she could take more if she wanted than the 50/50 we had agreed).

    We then had an offer on our home accepted so we then started to look for our own place. I found somewhere close by my family and close to my old address so i could spend less time travelling with my daughter.

    Over the course of the year i had to put up with her telling me to get out, saying she could see whoever she wanted, started hiding emails and texts and taking calls outside if i was home, all the while i had to put money into the joint account over and above what i should of to keep the household going whilst she spent money like no tomorrow and even sending money to her mothers bank account even though she denied it to her's and my solicitor (clear as day on the bank statements).

    Anyway i moved into my place and set about renovating it whilst waiting for the divorce to finally come through (decree absolute any time now).

    When i've been home i've had my little girl more than we agreed so she could have nights out, weekends away?

    Anyway this weekend i dropped my little girl off and she told me she has started seeing someone, this someone is a old friend and used to go out with her best mate and it ended badly. I remember her telling me this guy had always said he should of been with my stbx instead of her friend and i also remember my stbx telling me he was lovely.

    So she tells me she's been seeing this guy for only 3 weeks and they met in a furniture place by accident, even though they live 30 miles apart and the nearest store is miles from both of them. She told me again how nice he is and wants me to meet him and that she will be introducing him to my daughter slowly.

    Basically i'm numb as i don't believe anything she says and i think she's been seeing this guy for a long time before and she's finally saying it now that we are basically days away from finally being divorced. She keeps saying to me we are getting on well, but i'm only been civil because of my daughter, i'll never forget the things she said to me during the past year, and even though her family said to stay in touch i want nothing to do with them as i feel like they have known something i didn't.

    My parents and best friends have also been biting their tongues and have finally told me that they always believed this woman was seeing someone else.

    Anyway i've been avoiding her calls for the last 2 days and finally spoke to her, she says she cares about me and wants me to be ok and wants me to meet this new guy!

    I've basically told her i want nothing to do with this guy or her life other than when i need to contact her to speak to my daughter or arrange pick-ups or drop-offs.

    Inside i'm raging as i believe i've been walked all over by her over the past year and this was just the final kick in the balls by her, especially as i have had to bite my tongue.

    She has known all along my biggest regret over this sorry episode is the fact that another man will be coming into my daughter's life and that is killing me inside.

    Anyway thats my story over the last year, now i finally get some closure in the next few days, weeks but deep down i can't bear this woman and it's killing me having to be civil to her...

    Any advice or comments appreciated...
Page 2
    • Vikipollard
    • By Vikipollard 4th Oct 16, 7:52 PM
    • 609 Posts
    • 1,059 Thanks
    Vikipollard
    Agree that you need to keep it civil - it could save a world of heartache that doesn't need to happen.

    I do think you should meet the new man though, and the reason for that is you will then be able to rationalise who he is when your daughter talks about him and things they have done together. Don't you want to see for yourself and speak with the person who may be a feature in your daughter's life - if for no other reason than to put the demons to bed that he's some kind of Lothario?

    I had to meet my sons' step monster mother to be sure I was right to be worried. And I was. But it helped me and my DH work through the resultant issues with the lads as they happened.

    As someone else said, it means 50 Shades of F!!! All whether your stbx was seeing him before - you will never know the answer to that and even if she was, what difference does it make? You still wouldn't be together.

    Did you have a good relationship with your stbx's family pre-split? If so, why on earth would you cut yourself off from them if they are actively wanting to stay in contact?

    Please, please, please put the bruised male ego to one side (and I don't say that to be mean - my ex would not entertain having a civil relationship with me, and the net sufferers were the lads when they were with him due to his attitude). In time to come, you may well be grateful for having that extended family network and to be included.

    Hope it works out for you.
    LBM July 2006
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    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 4th Oct 16, 8:37 PM
    • 146 Posts
    • 159 Thanks
    Sambella
    You need to forge a life as a single man now whilst seeing your daughter on a regular basis.

    Friendships cannot be forced. Civility is the order of the day here. Nothing wrong with civility.

    However, you will come across him from time to time. For example if your daughter wants you to come into the house to see her new toy which is up in the bedroom, or if she is unwell and you want to see her. You can be perfectly civil here no need to take a seat in the sofa and eat pizza whilst watching a movie with them!

    if the new boyfriend is still in her life in a few years civility may even become a friendship of sorts but he is unlikely to ever be your best buddy. That's the reality ( but of course there are exceptions to every rule)

    One thing you should watch out for I think is them wanting you to have your daughter so that they can go off and do stuff as and when they feel like it. Of course you can help out as and when you wish if they have something on but not to the extent where it disrupts the new life you have to forge for yourself whilst accommodating your daughter. You are not there to facilitate their relationship.

    I have honestly never heard of anyone introducing their new 3 week old partner to their ex! Wow! Most of these 'meetings' just happen there's no formal get together... god ... imagine the awkwardness!

    Like it or not she cannot dictate to you any more or control you in any way.

    Break ups do mean that the old way of doing things no longer applies. Forge your own path whilst keeping your relationship with your daughter intact.

    Don't beat yourself up over whether they were together before or after the break up. They are together NOW. Deal with NOW!!

    From experience. Time is a wonderful healer. You will get over this !

    Good luck.
    • marisco
    • By marisco 4th Oct 16, 8:50 PM
    • 3,955 Posts
    • 17,898 Thanks
    marisco
    Calmly but assertively explain to your ex that you only wish to have contact with her from now on in order to co-parent. Do things on your terms only from now on and prioritise what feels right for you and your daughter. She would have a nerve to question that or take umbrage to it after the way that she has treated you.
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
    • theguru
    • By theguru 4th Oct 16, 8:51 PM
    • 622 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    theguru
    You need to forge a life as a single man now whilst seeing your daughter on a regular basis.

    Friendships cannot be forced. Civility is the order of the day here. Nothing wrong with civility.

    However, you will come across him from time to time. For example if your daughter wants you to come into the house to see her new toy which is up in the bedroom, or if she is unwell and you want to see her. You can be perfectly civil here no need to take a seat in the sofa and eat pizza whilst watching a movie with them!

    if the new boyfriend is still in her life in a few years civility may even become a friendship of sorts but he is unlikely to ever be your best buddy. That's the reality ( but of course there are exceptions to every rule)

    One thing you should watch out for I think is them wanting you to have your daughter so that they can go off and do stuff as and when they feel like it. Of course you can help out as and when you wish if they have something on but not to the extent where it disrupts the new life you have to forge for yourself whilst accommodating your daughter. You are not there to facilitate their relationship.

    I have honestly never heard of anyone introducing their new 3 week old partner to their ex! Wow! Most of these 'meetings' just happen there's no formal get together... god ... imagine the awkwardness!

    Like it or not she cannot dictate to you any more or control you in any way.

    Break ups do mean that the old way of doing things no longer applies. Forge your own path whilst keeping your relationship with your daughter intact.

    Don't beat yourself up over whether they were together before or after the break up. They are together NOW. Deal with NOW!!

    From experience. Time is a wonderful healer. You will get over this !

    Good luck.
    Originally posted by Sambella
    Thank you for this, and all other comments and advice.
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 4th Oct 16, 9:00 PM
    • 8,849 Posts
    • 11,857 Thanks
    Pixie5740
    3 weeks my !!!!! However, whether it's been 3 weeks, 3 months, whatever, you just need to deal with her in the same way. As much as it might stick in your craw just continue to be civil with her. It will pay off in the long run with things like parents evenings, your daughter's wedding, graduation, etc.

    You could really bake your noodle trying to work out what's truth, what's lies and who knew what but none of it really matters now. Just focus on your daughter (which it sounds exactly like you're doing) and your future. In 6 weeks you'll be a single man again.
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • Diary
    • By Diary 4th Oct 16, 11:10 PM
    • 416 Posts
    • 458 Thanks
    Diary
    She's hedging her bets in case the current boyfriend doesn't work out, she thinks you'll be a shoulder to cry on.
    Master Apothecary Faranell replied, “I assure you, overseer, the Royal Apothecary Society dearly wishes to make up for the tragic misguidance which ended so many lives. We will cause you no trouble. We seek only to continue our research in peace".
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 4th Oct 16, 11:27 PM
    • 1,082 Posts
    • 2,204 Thanks
    Loz01
    As hard as it is, bite your tongue and stay civil.

    You don't have to meet her new boyfriend, HOWEVER if its someone your daughter is going to be around...? You might feel diff in the future. No idea why she is rushing him to meet you already, either because she wants to show off that she's moved on or she wants to see your reaction as she might want some validation you still have feeling for her? (Even tho you said you don't, she might think otherwise!)
    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity..
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 5th Oct 16, 5:47 AM
    • 14,321 Posts
    • 36,454 Thanks
    FBaby
    I agree with Pixie, whether it is three weeks or three months, it makes little difference. What is hard to accept I expect is how quickly she's moved on. Ultimately, she wasn't happy in the marriage and whether she broke it because she wanted to be on her own or whether she wanted to replace you asap with someone who she believes will make her happier doesn't really change things.

    I introduced my kids to the person who I've now been with for 8 years married for 4 only a couple of weeks after we meet. The reasoning was that if it was obvious from the start that there were going to be some issue, there was no point in moving things further as it was essential to both of us that they could get along. The difference though was that I'd been single for many years, my kids were a bit older and I knew exactly what I was looking for and that he was the one.

    What you do need to be careful about is that she doesn't let her blinded new love convince her that because he is a better man for her, he will also be a better father for your daughter. So make sure you establish tight contact on fixed days, make sure you are involved as much as possible with your daugther's life (nursery, parties etc...) and make it clear to your ex that you would fight her to the end if required. The fact that you go away for some time could make things more difficult, so set the scene from the beginning that you are not and are not intending to be a week-end babysitter to your daughter.
    • theguru
    • By theguru 10th Oct 16, 6:54 PM
    • 622 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    theguru
    Ok so after telling me she's just met this guy she now tells me she's taking my daughter away on holiday with this guy and his kids even though my daughter hasn't even met him (allegedly).

    I'm sorry to say but I simply replied to her and told her I don't believe a word she says anymore about this guy and simply to contact me only regarding issues with my daughter, drop offs or pick ups.

    I know there will be people saying I'm doing the wrong thing but seriously I could never trust her or ever be friends like she wants...
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 10th Oct 16, 7:01 PM
    • 5,179 Posts
    • 23,433 Thanks
    thorsoak
    You don't have to be friends with her, or her new partner - just be a parent to your daughter.

    In my extended family, the wife of a nephew divorced her first husband when their daughter was only 2 - married my nephew when the daughter was 6. Her father has had contact with her throughout her life and last year, the daughter, now aged 18, moved in with her birth father as she was studying in the town where he now lived. This lasted five months before she moved out, declaring that her birth father was a "moron and a horrible person". Her mother said "that's why I divorced him". But the daughter never realised that.

    That's the way to parent when divorced.
    • Sam Fallow
    • By Sam Fallow 10th Oct 16, 7:02 PM
    • 495 Posts
    • 1,054 Thanks
    Sam Fallow
    I think you're doing the right thing. It's just about you and your daughter now.

    Stay strong.
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 10th Oct 16, 7:23 PM
    • 26,010 Posts
    • 89,312 Thanks
    Person_one
    While you're feeling this hurt and angry maybe it is better to keep to the basics for now.

    Hopefully in time when emotions aren't running so high you'll be able to collaborate and be reasonably friendly for your daughter's sake.
    • .Gigolo Aunt
    • By .Gigolo Aunt 10th Oct 16, 8:15 PM
    • 183 Posts
    • 239 Thanks
    .Gigolo Aunt
    Anyway this weekend i dropped my little girl off and she told me she has started seeing someone, this someone is a old friend and used to go out with her best mate and it ended badly. I remember her telling me this guy had always said he should of been with my stbx instead of her friend and i also remember my stbx telling me he was lovely.

    So she tells me she's been seeing this guy for only 3 weeks and they met in a furniture place by accident, even though they live 30 miles apart and the nearest store is miles from both of them. She told me again how nice he is and wants me to meet him and that she will be introducing him to my daughter slowly.

    Basically i'm numb as i don't believe anything she says and i think she's been seeing this guy for a long time before and she's finally saying it now that we are basically days away from finally being divorced. She keeps saying to me we are getting on well, but i'm only been civil because of my daughter, i'll never forget the things she said to me during the past year, and even though her family said to stay in touch i want nothing to do with them as i feel like they have known something i didn't.

    My parents and best friends have also been biting their tongues and have finally told me that they always believed this woman was seeing someone else.
    Originally posted by theguru
    Her behaviour is despicable, but I wouldn't be so hasty about assuming her parents were in on it. They may be as dismayed as you are.

    Stability and security for the child is the most important thing, - is she happy living with her mother? My concern about the new man is whether he is going to be a steady presence in the child's life, or one of a number of men who will be "introduced to the child slowly" by the child's mother.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Oct 16, 8:35 PM
    • 13,725 Posts
    • 53,430 Thanks
    Judi
    Ok so after telling me she's just met this guy she now tells me she's taking my daughter away on holiday with this guy and his kids even though my daughter hasn't even met him (allegedly).
    She's either a liar or an idiot. You dont go on holiday with someone youve only met three weeks ago.

    She should still be getting to know him.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Person_one
    • By Person_one 10th Oct 16, 8:51 PM
    • 26,010 Posts
    • 89,312 Thanks
    Person_one
    She's either a liar or an idiot. You dont go on holiday with someone youve only met three weeks ago.

    She should still be getting to know him.
    Originally posted by Judi
    It says in the first post that they've known each other longer, he used to be with her friend apparently.
    • theguru
    • By theguru 10th Oct 16, 9:00 PM
    • 622 Posts
    • 275 Thanks
    theguru
    I'm sick of her going on about only just seeing this guy and doing things slowly, then she wants me to meet him after 3 weeks and now after 4 weeks she's going on holiday with him and my daughter.

    It's just lies and I've had enough of it, like I said I'll be civil when I need to be but basically that's as far as it will go.

    My daughter will always come first so I'll be the civil parent when she's around after that I've told my stbx wife not to bother me unless it's about my daughter or pick ups.

    She's already asking me to look after her when I get home for longer than agreed in the divorce papers so she can go away, of course I will do it but just another example of her getting away with what she wants...
    • .Gigolo Aunt
    • By .Gigolo Aunt 10th Oct 16, 9:03 PM
    • 183 Posts
    • 239 Thanks
    .Gigolo Aunt
    I'm sick of her going on about only just seeing this guy and doing things slowly, then she wants me to meet him after 3 weeks and now after 4 weeks she's going on holiday with him and my daughter.

    It's just lies and I've had enough of it, like I said I'll be civil when I need to be but basically that's as far as it will go.

    My daughter will always come first so I'll be the civil parent when she's around after that I've told my stbx wife not to bother me unless it's about my daughter or pick ups.

    She's already asking me to look after her when I get home for longer than agreed in the divorce papers so she can go away, of course I will do it but just another example of her getting away with what she wants...
    Originally posted by theguru
    Try not to get eaten up by it. I'm sorry to say fathers often come off worse in these situations. Have you thought of contacting Families Need Fathers?

    https://fnf.org.uk/

    I also wonder if the advice and opinions on here would be different if the genders were reversed.
    • LilElvis
    • By LilElvis 10th Oct 16, 9:27 PM
    • 2,670 Posts
    • 7,382 Thanks
    LilElvis
    Try not to get eaten up by it. I'm sorry to say fathers often come off worse in these situations. Have you thought of contacting Families Need Fathers?

    https://fnf.org.uk/

    I also wonder if the advice and opinions on here would be different if the genders were reversed.
    Originally posted by .Gigolo Aunt
    In what way do you think that opinions/advice have been skewed because the OP is male?

    I can't see it myself.
    • ThomasMJacobs
    • By ThomasMJacobs 11th Oct 16, 10:15 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    ThomasMJacobs
    It's an unfortunate situation but you as she said you have to keep calm for the sake of your daughter. Just be cordial to her when you meet.Thats it.
    • brianh
    • By brianh 11th Oct 16, 11:06 AM
    • 52 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    brianh
    Sad thread.

    I think the OP needs , however difficult it is, just to control his emotions a little and play the long game. He must do nothing to jeopardise the one thing he wants to retain from the relationship i.e. the daughter.

    I would tell his ex-wife (as she'll soon be) that the split (no details) has hurt him and for the time being he just wants to be on civil terms with her and continue his relationship with his daughter as they have agreed.

    The fact that at this moment he doesn't think he will ever be on good terms with ex-wife and new partner doesn't need to be communicated.

    Hopefully life will look rosier a few months down the line.
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