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    • Lippyx
    • By Lippyx 19th Sep 16, 1:52 PM
    • 168Posts
    • 38Thanks
    Lippyx
    Serial Spender needing help!
    • #1
    • 19th Sep 16, 1:52 PM
    Serial Spender needing help! 19th Sep 16 at 1:52 PM
    Hi all.
    I have been on here for a while and posted a few things here and there (mainly about NRAM!!)


    I need help. I am a serial spender!! I am constantly looking for things to buy, and if I have nothing to look for in particular, I will find something that I "need".


    I live with my parents (with my partner) and we are hoping to look at buying a place next year, but every time he talks about it, and asks how my debts are getting on, I get snappy with him and refuse to discuss it (probably because I secretly spend!). But I want to move out into a place with him!


    I have previously bought a house with an ex, which completely stripped me of every penny I earned, paying the bills, because it all had to be split 50/50, even though I didn't earn as much as he did.
    I am now left with this unsecured joint NRAM loan (as he doesn't pay anything towards it) whilst he still lives in the house. But that's another story!


    I have just under 10k in debt (excluding the NRAM loan, which currently stands at 15k) and although its not a lot to some, to me it is.
    I had already got myself debt free with the help of my current partner, but I managed to fall back into the trap.


    I have managed to get a 0% credit card which has helped but my rating isn't great (due to NRAM issue!) so when I do look at 0% credit cards, I don't get offered enough to cover the credit cards I do have.


    I have a horse (don't judge me) which I comfortably pay for a look after and have never had to rely on anyone to help me pay for his upkeep.


    I just want to look at my bank at the end of the month before payday and not see red figures!


    How do I stop the spending? I tried a money diary but I never record EVERYTHING. I work at a desk all day, so have constant internet access, which doesn't help. I decided to make a rule that if I wanted something new, I had to sell something to fund it, which does help, but in a way encourages the spending.


    Please help me!! I want to stop spending and start saving!
Page 1
    • BaileyMoselle
    • By BaileyMoselle 19th Sep 16, 2:49 PM
    • 50 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    BaileyMoselle
    • #2
    • 19th Sep 16, 2:49 PM
    • #2
    • 19th Sep 16, 2:49 PM
    Like any addiction you need to get to the root cause. It is normally a low mood or depression that the addiction relieves. But it is only temporary relief. A brief escape. See a doctor. See a pastor. See a therapist. Whatever might help. It is not easy. It is a life challenge and a very difficult one. You need external help. By yourself you will continue to suffer, in my view.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 19th Sep 16, 3:01 PM
    • 2,146 Posts
    • 3,780 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    • #3
    • 19th Sep 16, 3:01 PM
    • #3
    • 19th Sep 16, 3:01 PM
    Often serial spenders are like emotional eaters and there is a psychological reason for spending on stuff you could easily do without. Did you feel deprived as a child or bought things to make you feel better? How do you feel before buying something and immediately after? How much thought do you put into your purchases? A good way to stop is to say that certain days are NSDs (no spend days) and when you get the urge to buy something say you will wait and think about it. Remove the compulsion and often people decide they don't want to buy at all.
    Save £12k in 2016 #46 £13600/£12,000
    Debt and mortgage free and saving for early retirement
    • Helvetica Van Buren
    • By Helvetica Van Buren 19th Sep 16, 3:24 PM
    • 171 Posts
    • 222 Thanks
    Helvetica Van Buren
    • #4
    • 19th Sep 16, 3:24 PM
    • #4
    • 19th Sep 16, 3:24 PM
    Hi all.
    I have a horse (don't judge me) which I comfortably pay for a look after and have never had to rely on anyone to help me pay for his upkeep.
    Originally posted by Lippyx
    No. You aren't comfortably paying for your horse if you're asking for debt help.
    • DD265
    • By DD265 19th Sep 16, 4:08 PM
    • 1,044 Posts
    • 2,534 Thanks
    DD265
    • #5
    • 19th Sep 16, 4:08 PM
    • #5
    • 19th Sep 16, 4:08 PM
    You need to find motivation from somewhere. Why do you want to move in with your OH? When do you want to move?

    Don't hate me but: is selling your horse an option? Or what about a share/loan? I'm in the awful position of considering having mine PTS as he's recently retired. He costs £500 a month but the reality is that he's OK and it's me that's struggling; mostly with the decision over the right thing to do as I feel that what's right for me, isn't right for him.

    Do you have any savings at all? It would help if you posted an SOA: http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

    People can then help with areas to cut back etc. But it sounds like discretionary spending is your biggest issue, so perhaps the demotivator.

    http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/shopping/demotivator/

    You either need to restrict your access to money so you can't spend, or find out what makes you tick (either spending, or paying off debt).
    Barclaycard: £2,470.61/£2907.26 - 15% paid
    MBNA: £2,954.54/£3866.92 - 24% paid
    • -taff
    • By -taff 19th Sep 16, 4:57 PM
    • 6,176 Posts
    • 3,353 Thanks
    -taff
    • #6
    • 19th Sep 16, 4:57 PM
    • #6
    • 19th Sep 16, 4:57 PM
    You can start the process of forcing your ex to sell the house which will help. You can also look at your nram loan and see if you had PPI on it which you can complain about - prior to 2009 it will have been single premium which s a no no now.
    • FinallyDebtfree2017
    • By FinallyDebtfree2017 19th Sep 16, 10:39 PM
    • 38 Posts
    • 21 Thanks
    FinallyDebtfree2017
    • #7
    • 19th Sep 16, 10:39 PM
    • #7
    • 19th Sep 16, 10:39 PM
    It doesn't sound like you had your light bulb moment yet.

    Ask yourself - what do you want out of life???

    Do you want to own a house?

    Do you want kids?

    You won't be able to do it comfortably, in your current situation.

    If yiu continue like you are, you aren't going anywhere and you are putting your relationship at high risk...

    This is serious, but you can still change it, but you must act quickly, but agree with previous comments to understand why you are spending
    • Lippyx
    • By Lippyx 20th Sep 16, 11:13 AM
    • 168 Posts
    • 38 Thanks
    Lippyx
    • #8
    • 20th Sep 16, 11:13 AM
    • #8
    • 20th Sep 16, 11:13 AM
    You can start the process of forcing your ex to sell the house which will help. You can also look at your nram loan and see if you had PPI on it which you can complain about - prior to 2009 it will have been single premium which s a no no now.
    Originally posted by -taff


    I didn't think I could force him to sell the house? The joint loan is not secured on the house, (although NRAM have a charge on it) plus he lives there with wife and child, so surely I can't force him to sell up?
    Never thought of the PPI... wouldn't he be entitled to some though? I don't want to spend my time sorting it all for him to take the money!!
    • Lippyx
    • By Lippyx 20th Sep 16, 11:15 AM
    • 168 Posts
    • 38 Thanks
    Lippyx
    • #9
    • 20th Sep 16, 11:15 AM
    • #9
    • 20th Sep 16, 11:15 AM
    It doesn't sound like you had your light bulb moment yet.

    Ask yourself - what do you want out of life???

    Do you want to own a house?

    Do you want kids?

    You won't be able to do it comfortably, in your current situation.

    If yiu continue like you are, you aren't going anywhere and you are putting your relationship at high risk...

    This is serious, but you can still change it, but you must act quickly, but agree with previous comments to understand why you are spending
    Originally posted by FinallyDebtfree2017


    All I want is a house with my partner, no kids and just enjoy a happy comfortable life together.
    I spoke to him last night and said I needed help ASAP with my spending... he said the issue I have is I feel low, buy something which makes me feel good, then I feel guilty about it, which makes me feel low, and the cycle starts all over!!
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 20th Sep 16, 1:52 PM
    • 5,357 Posts
    • 28,141 Thanks
    determined new ms
    My two pence worth! Read some blogs articles about people who have embarked on a "not buying anything new" year. I embarked on this challenge just over 3 months ago. I have found it so liberating I can't tell you. It has changed by outlook on life and honestly most of the time I don't feel like I'm going without, in fact quite the opposite I feel much happier and content and I rarely think about money now. There have been a few days where I have felt like I *need* more clothes/items but I sit on that feeling and the following day it has gone and I don't even think about it again.

    However I have been curbing my spending and enjoying old style frugal life for a while. I think it's like a muscle you keep practicing and in the end it becomes second nature - you learnt to be a consumer you can unlearn. Every little thing you do to improve your relationship with money and consumerism will contribute to a bigger change over time. You'll have hiccups, fall off the wagon and learn. The first step is always the hardest x
    Debt to Bank of oh Mum: £4200/£5700
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    • ReadingTim
    • By ReadingTim 20th Sep 16, 2:15 PM
    • 1,024 Posts
    • 1,336 Thanks
    ReadingTim
    All I want is a house with my partner, no kids and just enjoy a happy comfortable life together.
    Originally posted by Lippyx
    Well then...simply remember this phrase, and repeat it every time you go to buy something. Ask yourself "is this going to buy me a house?" "will this allow me to enjoy a happy comfortable life"?

    Money ain't unlimited, wealth and spending is mostly about priorities and self-discipline, so what do you want more - whatever shiny gizmo that's caught your eye this second, or a home and a future? Your choice. Ditto for the expensive pet.
    • nkkingston
    • By nkkingston 21st Sep 16, 12:36 PM
    • 265 Posts
    • 309 Thanks
    nkkingston
    There's an old diet trick which involved putting a photo of a celebrity you fancied inside your fridge, so every time you went for a quick snack you saw the celebrity staring out at you and it reminded you to stop and think about why you were there.

    One of the most important things about owning an animal is the positive effect it has on your own mental health. Take advantage of that! If you feel low, visit him, not H&M. Set your horse as your desktop background and/or in your wallet, on top of your cards. Every time you feel spendy, minimise the window and stare at him for a minute. Compare him with what you want to buy. Is a new iphone worth more than his welfare? Would new shoes make you happier than riding him? Imagine your horse wearing/using whatever it is you want to buy. Doesn't it make material things suddenly seem ludicrous? Give yourself a giggle
    Mortgage
    June 2016: £93,295
    Setember 2016: £92,105
    • debbie_debt
    • By debbie_debt 21st Sep 16, 3:59 PM
    • 222 Posts
    • 701 Thanks
    debbie_debt
    I'm in exactly the same position. I've been battling with debt for my entire adult life and for years have felt there has been a 'need' to spend. On the kids, on the house, on experiences which will make them happy (like holidays). The money is hardly ever spent on me personally, so I've never felt like I'm being selfish and I've never thought my spending is my fault.

    Recently, I've had the lightbulb. I've thought I've had it many times over the years when I've committed to sorting my debt, but there's always been an excuse. The latest was feeling like it was my husband's fault. However, after finally agreeing to a budget with him, I've realised he's stuck to it 100% and I've been secretly spending (again on my kids, or on things I've felt I've had to do, like wedding presents or going to an abroad family wedding). I've realised that I've been the problem all along. This has been devastating and enlightening all in one go.

    I'm going to start looking online for some techniques to help people who actually have an addiction to spending. If I find anything useful, I'll come back to you. One thing I've just though of is writing my current total debt on a piece of paper and carrying it round with me, updating it every month. Seeing it in black and white might be quite empowering.

    Good luck on your journey.

    Debbie
    Emergency fund £300.03/£1000
    L.B.M. 21/09/2016 DEBTS = £30,854.38

    Sealed Pot Challenge 2016 #110 £2's and 50p's in the pot for the year!
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 21st Sep 16, 4:24 PM
    • 5,621 Posts
    • 32,842 Thanks
    EssexHebridean
    You can start the process of forcing your ex to sell the house which will help. You can also look at your nram loan and see if you had PPI on it which you can complain about - prior to 2009 it will have been single premium which s a no no now.
    Originally posted by -taff
    You may well have PPI on your NRAM loan - they had a nasty little habit of telling people that they wouldn't give them the loan if they didn't take out PPI on it - and that in itself is miss-selling. I successfully claimed against them for exactly that reason. If you get anything back you'd be quite justified, in my view, to pay it straight off against the loan...it may even be you could ask them to take it straight from the balance - mine was paid up before I challenged it so I can't be sure whether they can do that, or not.
    MFW: Current mortgage o/p 61.57% MF date was 07/28 - Now 03/18 MF target: 24th July 2017!
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    • kazwookie
    • By kazwookie 21st Sep 16, 4:40 PM
    • 8,860 Posts
    • 113,370 Thanks
    kazwookie
    I think you need to sort out the fact you own half a house with your ex, who now has his wife and child there.

    You need it sold or you need him to buy you out, or you charge them rent
    35 to go. 35 already gone
    (5 stone to get rid off in total)
    • tallyhoh
    • By tallyhoh 22nd Sep 16, 8:18 AM
    • 1,998 Posts
    • 1,914 Thanks
    tallyhoh
    I would consult a solicitor regarding the house with a view to forcing a sale. Most do a free 30 minute consultation.
    Tallyhoh!

    Stopped Smoking October 2000. Saved £21,840 so far!
    • MrsTinks
    • By MrsTinks 22nd Sep 16, 10:23 AM
    • 14,245 Posts
    • 21,226 Thanks
    MrsTinks
    Firstly - do you actually still part own this property?

    Secondly - right now... you are choosing your horse over your partner and your future. Sorry to be blunt but that is exactly what you're doing.

    Horses and riding are NOT cheap sports or pets. I'm guessing between £100-£300 a month for grazing/stable? Then you have winter feed, equipment, your clothes, shoes, winter waterproof yard shoes and wellies, helmets, new saddle rugs, new winter rugs unless he's a native breed type, probably a couple of those as they always rip them... cleaning of said rugs and repairs.

    I get it, I love horses. My daughter has a half loan in a pony which I obviously pay for, I know what the "bits" cost.

    If you are in increasing debt then you are NOT comfortably affording your horse.

    Sit down, write every single cost you have spent on your horse this year down - shows, gear, livery: EVERYTHING. Now see if you still feel you can afford it...

    Do your SOA and post it up so we can help you prioritize where money gets allocated.
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