Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • pushing40
    • By pushing40 18th Sep 16, 6:40 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 40Thanks
    pushing40
    I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?
    • #1
    • 18th Sep 16, 6:40 PM
    I think we've reached the end of the road. What now? 18th Sep 16 at 6:40 PM
    Hubby and I had a blazing argument this morning and he pretty much told me that he didn't like me, didn't love me and he didn't like his life. We have three children aged under 7. I have never experienced divorce, nobody in my family has been divorced and none of my close friends have either. I really don't know what to do or who to speak to for advice.

    Hubby works full time, I work part time but do everything for the kids: School run, meals, take to swimming lessons, wash and iron clothes, etc, etc.

    We have a mortgage but a fair amount of equity. We also have savings and hubby has investments (totalling a lot of money).

    What am I entitled to, and what should I do?
    Last edited by pushing40; 20-09-2016 at 12:59 PM. Reason: typo
Page 6
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 22nd Sep 16, 5:55 PM
    • 21,061 Posts
    • 81,093 Thanks
    Jojo the Tightfisted

    When OH pushed me, I was most definitely NOT in his face or goading him. On the contrary, I was begging him to calm down - he could see that I was physically trembling and that I was scared. He even made the comment that if I had been a man he would have "knocked me out many times".


    The argument came from literary nowhere, though I had sensed a bad mood brewing for a few days. I wasn't being unsupportive, I wasn't not communicating. I tried. I tried a few days earlier to talk to him about work but he cut me off and walked out of the door, and there had been an atmosphere between us since, culminating in the big argument that led to me posting on here.


    What I mean is, yes, he has a stressful job. Yes, he wants to spend every moment he's not at work relaxing and trying to forget that stress. But his anger boiled up from nowhere over breakfast over nothing. Before I knew what was happening, he was launching a whole list of reasons as to why he didn't like me or want to be with me. His anger didn't seem a justifiable response to the discussion that had taken place moments before. In fact, I wouldn't expect him to be any angrier had he just been told I was having an affair! It was THAT unjustifiable.


    As for not speaking to his family - he has been estranged from them most of his adult life. Our children don't even see their paternal grandparents/uncles/cousins because they don't even know they exist. Now, admittedly, from what I have heard of them (I've never met any of them), I can't entirely blame him for not wanting to be associated with them (you can't pick your family, right?!) HOWEVER, to use another cliche, blood is thicker than water and I'd like to think that I could forgive my family of almost anything. However, OH is very much of the opinion that he wants nothing to do with them and I have to respect that. His family history is dysfunctional and I would love nothing more than for that not be the case - you have no idea how envious I am of people who have a "normal" bunch of in-laws. But the fact of the matter is they're not talked about, they're not liked by him, and they're not in his (or our) lives. Not even a little bit. And to answer another point, no I don't make him spend every Christmas with my family. In fact, he rarely sees them either. We spend Christmas at home, just us.


    Someone asked if he never lifted a finger after the first child, why did we go on to have another two children. I don't think I ever said he doesn't lift a finger. (In my original post I said that "I do everything" - what I meant by this, and I'm sorry I didn't make this clearer in my OP, was that I am the main care-provider so where does that leave me in terms of where we'd live, would he have to move out, would the children and I have to move out, would he have to continue to pay for us to stay there, or would we have to sell up and split the equity, and how would that be split, etc. I really am clueless to my rights, hence posting on here.)


    So, whilst I'm the main caregiver and do the bulk of the chores, he does do the odd thing. He might play in the garden with them, he runs the occasional bath, he clears the odd table and washes up occasionally - but the bulk is done by me. But this wasn't really a complaint. I am happy to do most of that as he works full time. HOWEVER, during his "time off" he really thinks it is ok to sit watching sport for a few hours, or to sit browsing his mobile phone, but it's not ok for me to be resentful when I'm still running around while he does nothing. I'm resentful because I don't get the luxury of sitting down reading a magazine while he does the weekly shop, or gets lunch ready. That just doesn't happen. Almost every day, he will ask "what's for dinner?". He would never say "I'm going to make xyz for dinner for us all tonight" - it just wouldn't enter his radar.


    So, to summarise, he's resentful of my "nagging" and I'm resentful of being taken for granted. (And, I'd just like to add that my "nagging" usually takes the form of a tongue-in-cheek "can I get a bit of help here with this while you're watching the rugby?")


    But I hardly thought it justifiable to blow up like a bottle of pop, shout, push me, tell me he doesn't love me and tell me he doesn't want custody of the children either (though I knew this last point to be a lie - he'd fight me all the way for custody) - but he said all of this in front of our children (oh, and to answer someone else earlier, the children are aged 6yrs, 4yrs and 18mths) . Our middle daughter ran off and hid under her bed when he was shouting. I NEVER want my children to hear or see us argue, and he knew this as we'd had a conversation about it a while ago. When he started to shout and it was clear that he wasn't going to calm down, I BEGGED him not to do it in front of the children, but he still carried on - getting louder and angrier.


    Regardless of what an awful wife I might be, or how much I nag, regardless of how much stress he is under at work, I don't think it's ever acceptable to get so angry that it makes your child cower under a bed.


    For all his bad points, there are many more good points. For all my bad points, I also have many good points. I want our marriage to work because I DO love him and I want my children to be raised by both of us living under one roof. However, for this to happen, I think we both have to change.
    Originally posted by pushing40
    I don't know if he would ever hit me or not. He definitely thought about it, I could just tell and he said if I was a man he'd have knocked me out.

    No, I have never (nor would ever) put pressure on him to see his family. His family, his choice. I was more making the point for readers of this thread that, whilst it may be an unusual situation, it is what it is. I was merely addressing some of the previous speculation over it.

    I see now that what I thought were subtle tongue in cheek requests were anything but subtle. However, my point all along is that surely while we're both in the house, we both have a responsibility to raise the kids and muck in. I work AND do chores and raise the kids. He works longer hours but some of you are implying that working full-time means he gets to do nothing when not at work?! Really? Are we in the 1930s?

    I tried to walk away when he started to shout. He walked after me and backed me into a corner, pushing me double handed on the shoulders. Sorry, totally disproportionate to what had gone on. Like I said, it's not like he'd just caught me in bed with someone else.
    Originally posted by pushing40

    Why are so many people so concerned about him being stressed and making it the OP's fault he's assaulted her, scared her, made threats of violence and terrified a child?
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 22nd Sep 16, 6:55 PM
    • 2,161 Posts
    • 6,651 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    Would the children be happier though? Presumably 20 hours which is what the OP does and what in fact I did too when my kids were small allowed me to take them and pick them up from school which the OP does at the moment. Having to organise wrap around childcare and deal with rushing kids out in the morning and have them in childcare until 5 or 6pm sounds even more stressful for the OP simply so that her DH is happier?

    I would not buy into that at all as I do not think it would address the point that her DH does not help and she would be working longer hours and dealing with kids in full time child care plus they would hardly see either of their parents during the working week unless they go to bed later.
    Originally posted by enthusiasticsaver
    Well, it depends on their arrangements. If 20 hours is 10-4 to allow for school drop-offs and pick-ups, then yes it could be difficult.

    But if it's 3 days a week, then she could increase by one day a week and he could decrease by one day a week, and the childcare arrangements wouldn't have to change at all.

    And if they both worked the same hours, it would become a lot easier for the OP to argue that he should be doing equal chores.
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • Top Girl
    • By Top Girl 22nd Sep 16, 7:12 PM
    • 865 Posts
    • 6,052 Thanks
    Top Girl
    If neither work weekends then the lie ins and chores should be split equally at weekends.

    'Shoving' is domestic violence. It's as pure and simple as that and I don't care how stressed or depressed he is.

    OP, you have a lot of important decisions to make. But you need to put the safety and wellbeing of you and your children before his 'issues'.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 22nd Sep 16, 7:15 PM
    • 2,391 Posts
    • 5,698 Thanks
    ska lover
    making it the OP's fault he's assaulted her, scared her, made threats of violence and terrified a child?
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    I hadn't noticed who had done that?
    Blah blah blah.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 22nd Sep 16, 10:23 PM
    • 4,519 Posts
    • 12,261 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    So OP should work one extra day each week and her husband can have one day extra off? Which he is, of course, going to spend doing the housework, caring for the kids, cooking, washing and ironing?

    He doesn't lift a finger during either of his two days off at weekends, I can't see him suddenly changing his ways, due to working a 4 day week.

    Good luck with that one OP.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 22nd Sep 16, 11:28 PM
    • 2,167 Posts
    • 3,803 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    [QUOTE=LannieDuck;71343738]Well, it depends on their arrangements. If 20 hours is 10-4 to allow for school drop-offs and pick-ups, then yes it could be difficult.

    But if it's 3 days a week, then she could increase by one day a week and he could decrease by one day a week, and the childcare arrangements wouldn't have to change at all.

    And if they both worked the same hours, it would become a lot easier for the OP to argue that he should be doing equal chores.[/QUOTE]

    But at the weekends when arguably they should be sharing the chores, she does most of it and he sits and watches tv. What is to stop him doing the same in the week so she is doing longer hours and then having to rush around even more in the shorter timespan between getting home and getting kids into bed. I have seen in one of OPs posts that she does something like 9.30 am until 2.45pm so she goes from work to doing school pickup.

    Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible. I just think that there needs to be at least a willingness from the husband to show that if he worked less hours he would help out more. Financially of course they would probably be worse off as he obviously earns more than her (she says this earlier) and the increased cost of childcare may well wipe out any gains from her doing more hours. Given husbands propensity for saving I don't see him dipping into his pocket to pay out for cleaner, dishwasher etc etc.
    Save £12k in 2016 #46 £13600/£12,000
    Debt and mortgage free and saving for early retirement
    • Happier Me
    • By Happier Me 23rd Sep 16, 7:03 AM
    • 299 Posts
    • 674 Thanks
    Happier Me

    Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible.
    Originally posted by enthusiasticsaver
    In my experience and drawing from the experience of others who have suffered from severe stress/burn out, reducing hours won't help because it won't address the root cause. It won't make him feel better or help out more around the house.

    I am in the camp of the OP trying to understand what is causing her husband's behaviour before writing off the relationship because of one really bad argument.
    I am basing this on how I would react if my husband were to behave this way for a period of time though. This would be extremely out of character for him and I would be desperately worried about his health and well being ...when one of us is ill the other steps up...supports, does what's needed to get the family through it. Isn't that how relationships that stand the test if time work?

    OP you are really the only one that knows if this behaviour is normal for your husband and whether the relationship is worth saving or not.
    Mortgage at start - £143,000: Mortgage Now - £72,227
    0% Credit Card - £20,190: 0% Doors - £2,760
    Savings - £53,987: Stooze Pot - 8,360

    • LannieDuck
    • By LannieDuck 23rd Sep 16, 9:14 AM
    • 2,161 Posts
    • 6,651 Thanks
    LannieDuck
    But at the weekends when arguably they should be sharing the chores, she does most of it and he sits and watches tv. What is to stop him doing the same in the week so she is doing longer hours and then having to rush around even more in the shorter timespan between getting home and getting kids into bed. I have seen in one of OPs posts that she does something like 9.30 am until 2.45pm so she goes from work to doing school pickup.

    Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible. I just think that there needs to be at least a willingness from the husband to show that if he worked less hours he would help out more. Financially of course they would probably be worse off as he obviously earns more than her (she says this earlier) and the increased cost of childcare may well wipe out any gains from her doing more hours. Given husbands propensity for saving I don't see him dipping into his pocket to pay out for cleaner, dishwasher etc etc.
    Originally posted by enthusiasticsaver
    (I'd missed the part in bold, that does make it harder to change arrangements.)

    I basically agree with you - he needs to start taking on a fair share of the chores. But I think the OP needs the confidence to have that discussion/argument with him, and at the moment she feels that she ought to be doing more of the work at home because she works fewer hours.

    If they both worked the same hours, she might feel justified standing her ground on the issue. Possibly. But I don't know her, so it's really just a suggestion for her to take up / dismiss as appropriate
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 23rd Sep 16, 10:20 AM
    • 13,811 Posts
    • 35,471 Thanks
    FBaby
    If they were to consider OP going to work on Wed whilst her husband take the day off he would have to do all the childcare, cleaning and the rest. Maybe that would lead to realise that work is easier and therefore have more sympathy for OP or he might find easier and therefore have more energy to do it all properly.

    There was that programme a few years ago when mum and dads swapped roles for two weeks so they could see what it was like to be in their partner's shoes. Sometimes dads realised they had had it easy some time it was the other way around. Most of the times they realised both was as tough but looking after kids cane more naturally to the mum and the demands of FT work more naturally to the dad.
    • beckysbobbles1
    • By beckysbobbles1 26th Sep 16, 10:46 AM
    • 244 Posts
    • 331 Thanks
    beckysbobbles1
    OP I haven't read all the other comments as I know how these things go off on one. I will comment on your OP.


    Take time yourself to decide how you feel. Ultimately if he has decided it is over, you will need to accept this and decide how things will be for the future.


    It doesn't sound like a happy, healthy relationship (I can talk as I know I'm not in one!).


    I would suggest going to Citizens advice to see what information they can give you regarding divorce and entitlements.


    If things are still 'up in the air' it might be best to allow some time for things to settle then start discussing what you can do for the future.


    Financially I assume he would still need to support you and the child. Depending on your salary, you may be entitled to some benefits.


    I think there are calculators you can use so perhaps google that.


    Ensure you look after yourself. You need to be healthy in order to look after your children. Be kind to yourself.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim's to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

215Posts Today

1,121Users online

Martin's Twitter