Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • rachaelfleur
    • By rachaelfleur 18th Sep 16, 12:24 PM
    • 233Posts
    • 151Thanks
    rachaelfleur
    Help! Need advice on living situation.
    • #1
    • 18th Sep 16, 12:24 PM
    Help! Need advice on living situation. 18th Sep 16 at 12:24 PM
    Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post but I'm not really sure where else to turn. I'm hoping for some advice and/or suggestions. I've been dealing with debt for a number of years and I'm finally almost clear. I now only owe less than £1000 (was over £20K at one point). I used to live in a shared ownership apartment with my father, he owned 25% and I helped with the remaining rent and bills. My father eventually moved out and I stayed, he continued to pay his mortgage and I paid the rest. I lived on my own there for nearly 7 years, rent was low and bills reasonable so I was able to start clearing debts. Trouble is my father was made redundant and couldn't get any more employment. He was almost at retirement age so wasn't really caring about getting a new job anyway. Unfortunately his savings started to run out and I started to feel really bad because selling the apartment (my home) was the only option he had left. I started to consider moving out but the thought of trying to get a mortgage stressed me out and I kinda knew I would never get one anyway. My brother then approached me and said that his job was changing and he'd have to move his whole family out of the country. He asked if I would move in and house sit. At the time it was perfect, my father could sell the apartment and I had somewhere else to live.


    That was over a year ago now and I 100% regret moving in to my brothers. I'm actually paying more now than I did in the apartment so not being able to pay off my remaining debts quicker and/or save any money. My relationship with my brother has also started to deteriorate. He's always be very protective but now he's just interfering and controlling. I think because I live in his house he thinks it's acceptable. He also has attitude about my life choices which he thinks are wrong. I've been with the same guy for 17years and our relationship is very different to the norm. We're not married, we don't live together and we don't have kids. All of which is just how we like it, totally works for us but for some reason my brother thinks I don't have the 'normal' life because my partner has decided and I just have to go with it. This is not the case, I don't want kids and one day we will get married and live together but definitely not a priority for me. Anyway, I've been told by my father that my brother doesn't like my partner visiting his house, which is my home.


    So the situation has become a bit awkward for me. I want and need to move out asap because there are other things that are really !!!!ing me off but I don't want to bore you cause I've wrote enough already!


    I know I can't get a mortgage right now (even though I haven't tried) and I don't have any savings for a deposit. I would like to rent for roughly a year (maybe longer) so that I can pay off the rest of what I owe and start saving for a reasonable deposit. Trouble is the places I want to rent all say they need to do a credit check which freaks me out. My second problem is telling my brother I'm moving out. I would like to move before the end of this month, if I don't I have another month of money to pay to my brother. This money I would rather use to pay for somewhere else. I can't afford to pay my brother, a deposit for a new place and possibly the first months rent. My partner said I can move in with him which is an option for me but that would have to be temporary as I'll be honest I do have commitment issues and don't want to be forced into moving in with him. I would rather we wait and get our first home together under better circumstances. So I do have options for moving out, I'm just really scared of telling my brother. He's got a bit of a temper and I think his reaction will be bad. I know he can more than afford to pay his mortgage without my contributions so I'm not worried about leaving him in the lurch, I would never do that. Living here is making me really miserable and I need to look after myself for once. I've always put other peoples needs first, hence why I'm in this situation and I know it's time to do what's best for me but I'm scared.


    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Do what you want because in the end people will judge you anyway.
Page 2
    • rachaelfleur
    • By rachaelfleur 18th Sep 16, 6:55 PM
    • 233 Posts
    • 151 Thanks
    rachaelfleur
    I know I can and I will I promise you all! I know I'm a push over, always have been but I can't take it anymore. I need to stand up for myself.

    I really don't know why my brother has such a hold on everyone in the family. We went through a pretty rough time when we were kids (alcoholic mother) and he always uses that to guilt me into putting family first all the time. My father lives away too so probably just doesn't want any hassle, he walked away from all the !!!! years ago.
    Do what you want because in the end people will judge you anyway.
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 18th Sep 16, 7:12 PM
    • 1,355 Posts
    • 2,341 Thanks
    Smodlet
    Ahh... so your brother is the one who is afraid, then... for you, possibly, but more for himself. He could not control your mother's actions...

    All bullies are cowards, rachaelfleur, and it is not your brother's business what you do or how you live once you are out of his house, which you are house-sitting for him. Most house-sitters pay a small fraction of the market rate, that is the attraction for them.

    Good luck.
    What is this life, if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?

    Every stew starts with the first onion.

    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • dirtycredit
    • By dirtycredit 18th Sep 16, 7:17 PM
    • 86 Posts
    • 179 Thanks
    dirtycredit
    QUOTE]I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are![/QUOTE]

    Oh my god this would drive me up the wall. You can't live like that.

    Good luck I hope you get everything sorted.

    DC x
    Last edited by dirtycredit; 18-09-2016 at 7:23 PM.
    LBM-May 2015 DFD-Oct 2017 Total debt £27077/14650 (45% Paid)
    MBNA-4014/3718 Halifax-3124/3036 TescoAUG-4616/658 Lloyds-4326/3748
    Home improvements- 8000/3490
    StudentLoan-1173/PAID





    • warby68
    • By warby68 18th Sep 16, 7:44 PM
    • 553 Posts
    • 7,790 Thanks
    warby68
    He does sound controlling and interfering OP but you have good enough reasons to move out without actually having to tackle his spying etc if you choose not to.

    You can simply decide you prefer to be totally independent in your own space and are not enjoying living arrangements which are part shared.

    Probably sensible to line something up before you tell him to make sure you can and then just perhaps offer a couple of weeks notice (your arrangement is informal isn't it) and, if you need to, just ask if you can defer your final payment to him ( he is your big brother after all)

    Offer to keep an eye on the house if he likes (for a small fee lol)

    Whilst people are suggesting you effectively stick two fingers up to him, I understand if the dynamic and long family history makes that hard for you. You can still be assertive here but without, hopefully, the confrontational bits if you prefer to try and stay friendly.

    PS Or you could just throw something over the cameras lol
    • rachaelfleur
    • By rachaelfleur 18th Sep 16, 9:36 PM
    • 233 Posts
    • 151 Thanks
    rachaelfleur
    QUOTE]I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are!
    Originally posted by dirtycredit
    Oh my god this would drive me up the wall. You can't live like that.

    Good luck I hope you get everything sorted.

    DC x[/QUOTE]

    Yeah it's definitely not a nice feeling at all!
    Do what you want because in the end people will judge you anyway.
    • Money saving maniac
    • By Money saving maniac 18th Sep 16, 11:29 PM
    • 297 Posts
    • 482 Thanks
    Money saving maniac
    I know I can and I will I promise you all! I know I'm a push over, always have been but I can't take it anymore. I need to stand up for myself.

    I really don't know why my brother has such a hold on everyone in the family. We went through a pretty rough time when we were kids (alcoholic mother) and he always uses that to guilt me into putting family first all the time. My father lives away too so probably just doesn't want any hassle, he walked away from all the !!!! years ago.
    Originally posted by rachaelfleur
    Quite possibly he means well somewhere underneath, but he can't get out of his own skin enough to have a good relationship with you, which is sad.

    Also he's far too possessive about his stuff. The CCTV and asking you who's visiting is creepy, very creepy, even if done with the best of intentions.

    There's nothing wrong with saying to him that you don't like living in a house with one way CCTV as it makes you feel you are living in a fishbowl, if you want to give him a reason.

    You know, speaking as a committment phobe myself, I ended up being accidentally pushed into living with my first partner, I moved in temporarily and it worked out great. I would never have made the decision to move in if Fate hadn't intervened. Just putting it out there
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th Sep 16, 12:29 AM
    • 8,174 Posts
    • 46,146 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Rachael.

    You don't have to explain yourself to your brother and you can leave gently without a fuss. There's no need to make it confrontational.

    ONce you have found somewhere to live then calmly inform your brother. Try to give him a decent period of notice, but if, as you say, he is now quite wealthy, then loss of rent shouldn't be a big deal.

    You have not taken advantage of him, you owe him nothing but just the normal courtesy of any tenant who is moving out.

    The arrangement you had worked equally as well for him as it did for you. You both benefitted so dont feel guilty or that you owe him.

    You had a below market rent and he had a reliable tenant who looked after his house and who allowed him access when he wanted to come home for holidays. It was a business arrangement that worked well for both of you.

    But now it's time for you to move forward with your life, either alone or with your partner. It's up to you and has nothing to do with your brother. You don't need his blessing.

    Whilst he does sound as if he is a bit of a control freak I think given the family dynamic it is perfectly understandable. It can't have been easy for him as a child, he was your big brother and probably felt helpless when your mother left. He has obviously taken it upon himself to be your "protector" . As he has got Older, more wealthy and more powerful he probably feels it's still his duty to look after you.

    You say your father "walked away from all the !!!! Years ago". It could be that your brother feels that your father let you both down and it was up to him to fill the breach. You were only little, he was older and became "the parent" - a role he can't easily let go.

    You will need to stay calm and focussed.

    If you brother gets upset or angry just smile sweetly and say something like "Big Brother I want to thank you for all you have done for me. You have been a kind and generous brother and I am very grateful. But it's time I stood on my own two feet and became a proper grownup." Give him a big hug and a sisterly kiss.

    End of story. You don't need any further discussion or explanations.

    If he goes into a strop, then stay calm, sit quietly and wait for him to run out of steam. Then you repeat yourself - wording it slightly differently. Keep it light saying something like it's time for you to leave the nest and spread your wings. You're ready.

    Just stand your ground, keep calm and dignified, counteract his arguments quietly, gently but always firmly.

    You have to show him you are a mature grown up who is capable of running her own life and who can fight her own battles. Thank him for all his love and protection over the years but repeat again that you are now ready and confident in your abilities to manage your own affairs and take your place in the world.

    Dont be drawn into a protracted argument. Just say "Big brother I don't want us to fall out, I love you and you will always be my brother and someone I can look up to and I will always be there for you, but it's time I had my own household"

    Don't use expressions like "I want my feeedom". That can sound a bit naive.

    Remember it takes two people to have an argument. And you aren't going to give him one are you.

    You are far too mature an adult now to let a discussion descend into pointless squabbling and bickering. .

    No shouting, no tears, just a quiet dignified assertiveness.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 19-09-2016 at 12:44 AM.
    • rachaelfleur
    • By rachaelfleur 22nd Sep 16, 9:09 PM
    • 233 Posts
    • 151 Thanks
    rachaelfleur
    I viewed the apartment today and absolutely love it! I've put down a deposit so now have to get the dreaded credit check done! I'll be absolutely gutted if I'm declined because of my past.
    Do what you want because in the end people will judge you anyway.
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 23rd Sep 16, 9:24 AM
    • 311 Posts
    • 308 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Just seen this thread, how exciting that you've put the deposit down. If all that's on your file are a couple a defaults that are due to drop off next year i'd like to think it'll be OK

    Good luck
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim's to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

141Posts Today

1,595Users online

Martin's Twitter