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    • bbarroso
    • By bbarroso 17th Sep 16, 2:43 AM
    • 37Posts
    • 4Thanks
    bbarroso
    Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce
    • #1
    • 17th Sep 16, 2:43 AM
    Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce 17th Sep 16 at 2:43 AM
    Well, later in life managed to finish a 1st class degree, got myself a decent job guaranteed for October, family with a 6 year old beautiful girl now starting year 1... One could think things were going well...

    Well, not quite so. My partner didn't want to come on holiday with me and daughter. Said it couldn't have any holidays for the period. Didn't thought much of it. On return, I'm greeted with a proposition for divorce as she found someone else.

    Quite a shock to be fair.

    Grabbed her old phone and google maps confirmed my suspicions. Regular trips and weekend stays at this 'friends house' even before the holiday. She works nights and weekends, so managed to hide it well...

    A quick google shows today's "work training weekend" as being the usual place. She has absolutely no idea I can see this.

    I'm trying to keep calm and not go to the place to beat the crap out of other guy. After all, she's the one going to his place, so god knows if he even know's she's married!

    Current situation, I'll be leaving the country for about a year for training on a few different sites. I had absolutely no plans for something of this magnitude to happen and I'm now afraid I wont be able to make plans to accommodate my daughter schooling in a different country, until my return to the UK. So I dont see much option but to leave her with her mom and god knows who this other guy is, which feels extremely irresponsible, or quit my job and, being unable to keep a household on my own, loose any chance of getting my daughters custody.

    Under such circumstances, what would be the most advisable course of action? Trying to keep calm and not overwhelm the little one...

    Many Thanks
Page 3
    • duchy
    • By duchy 18th Sep 16, 7:19 AM
    • 17,898 Posts
    • 45,259 Thanks
    duchy
    The OP sounds very passive.
    His wife wants a divorce ....no what can I do to save the marriage. Maybe the marriage died a while ago as neither of you seem to want to change anything OP?
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    Apparently having a "Quirky and Hipster" wedding
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 18th Sep 16, 7:30 AM
    • 14,353 Posts
    • 36,534 Thanks
    FBaby
    It sounds like you made quite a number of self-centered decisions in your life, expecting your wife to support you with these even though it highly benefited you and not her, both in terms of finances and quality time together.

    You say that she she agreed to it all, frankly, I am amazed that a loving wife would be happy with such a situation ,especially one where the husband took a job abroad, only came back occasionally, and then announced that when back, they would all need to move 100 miles away. Maybe her failure was to have made it clear at this stage that she wasn't happy with this at all, but then maybe she thought it was pointless because you wouldn't change your mind.

    I expect she cheated on you on the basis that she wanted someone to be with to provide her with support before she moved on and she justified it on the basis that you'd been selfish for last X years and therefore it was ok for her to be such as so.

    I don't think she was in the right at all, but I am quite frankly surprised that you seem oblivious to the fact that your lifestyle was not in anyway marriage friendly.
    • duchy
    • By duchy 18th Sep 16, 7:44 AM
    • 17,898 Posts
    • 45,259 Thanks
    duchy
    The OP talks of having male and female friends who freely discussed infidelity. It sounds like he was living the life of a single man socially whilst his wife was at home with a very young child. Was there ever a long term plan to live a conventional family life OP? It may be that after five years your wife felt shed waited long enough for this and felt very let down as the life of a single parent wasn't what she'd signed up for ? You really need to talk to her ...... Whether she was unfaithful or not (and your "proof" is by no means conclusive) a neglected marriage is never going to flourish. How much time have you actually spent with your child , how well do they know you if you've not actually lived with them ?
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    Apparently having a "Quirky and Hipster" wedding
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 18th Sep 16, 8:04 AM
    • 22,131 Posts
    • 55,131 Thanks
    Tigsteroonie
    As to life, yes things were complicated in the sense that I have been working and studying and babysitting for nearly half of our time as a married couple, so difficulties did arise.
    Originally posted by bbarroso
    It's not "babysitting" when it's your own child(ren). It's parenting, regardless of your gender.

    Sorry OP, you lost my sympathy at this point.
    Going to become Mrs Marleyboy for real

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    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 18th Sep 16, 9:12 AM
    • 1,736 Posts
    • 1,420 Thanks
    cjdavies
    All I can say is remember the house is yours also, and you can move back in when you return.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 18th Sep 16, 9:52 AM
    • 568 Posts
    • 1,738 Thanks
    Detroit
    In my view, these are the most advisable actions:

    1. Come to a conclusion about the future of your marriage. If your wife wants a divorce, you may not have an option here. However, if she's in two minds, and you think there may be a future, consider counselling together, perhaps through Relate.
    If you decide to stay together, imo a year absence would be a huge challenge to a fragile relationship, so your career plans may need a rethink to make this work.

    2. If divorce is definite, see a solicitor for professional advice. You may be able to get an initial appointment free through CAB. You can discuss you parental rights and options with the solicitor.

    3. Make a decision regarding your career with your daughter in mind.
    To leave the UK at this point would be extremely poor timing. If you separate, and want your daughter to live with you, a proposal to take her out of the country and away from her settled life is unlikely to be considered in her best interests. So unless your wife is not considered a suitable carer, it is probable she would have your daughter's full time care.

    If you are abroad and your wife sets up home with someone else, you may have to reconcile that your role in your daughter's life will become more peripheral. Obviously you can keep in touch, but this will be more difficult, and the new partner will be more prominent in your child's life than you.

    If however you stay, deferring your career opportunity if possible, you will be able to be much more present for your daughter, with shared care a possibility.

    You are incorrect to believe a lack of a good job would affect your perceived suitability as a carer. The courts only interest is that of the child and stability is highly regarded. Therefore if you have been the primary or equal carer, there is no reason a court would not want to retain the status quo. Indeed, if you can offer full time care, as oppose to your wife, who works unsociable hours, you may be seen as more suitable.

    I would stress that you see a solicitor.
    Last edited by Detroit; 18-09-2016 at 9:54 AM.


    Put your hands up.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 18th Sep 16, 10:11 AM
    • 6,469 Posts
    • 3,736 Thanks
    -taff
    As above - see if the marriage can be saved, if not, go and see a solicitor.

    And ignore all the rubbish speculating on your relationship....asking for advice seems to open the floodgates for judgement here.....
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 18th Sep 16, 10:26 AM
    • 2,335 Posts
    • 4,903 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    The OP sounds very passive.
    His wife wants a divorce ....no what can I do to save the marriage. Maybe the marriage died a while ago as neither of you seem to want to change anything OP?
    Originally posted by duchy
    If someone says no to something (continuing the marriage in this case) that should always be accepted without question, because no means no.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 18th Sep 16, 10:32 AM
    • 3,359 Posts
    • 12,027 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    ignore all the rubbish speculating on your relationship....asking for advice seems to open the floodgates for judgement here.....
    Originally posted by -taff
    On this point, I think we must agree to disagree

    It has long been my view that only when both (or all) parties actually sit down and think about what has gone wrong and why that might have been and what the parties themselves failed to take into consideration or give due weight to, that understanding and perhaps, eventually, forgiveness can take place.

    If the "rubbish" gives Mr and Mrs OP something to ask, think deeply about and respond to, perhaps a tiny chink of light may come to be of great value in deciding the future of the whole family.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 18th Sep 16, 11:21 AM
    • 5,610 Posts
    • 11,594 Thanks
    krlyr
    I don't understand how you can be so certain that she is having an affair though - the only reason you have to think that is based on her location according to google maps. Maybe she genuinely was at work or visiting a friend? Or the gps was glitching?
    It seems a bit premature to be thinking about custody arrangements already, when you don't definitely know what is going on.
    Originally posted by fairy lights
    From the original post "On return, I'm greeted with a proposition for divorce as she found someone else. "
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 18th Sep 16, 7:45 PM
    • 1,656 Posts
    • 2,501 Thanks
    Kim kim
    OP - I am genuinely not taking a pot shot at you but it has been my experience and understanding that a major cause of infidelity in women is resentment, not sudden passion or lust..
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    I didn't reply to this when I first read it, but I thought it was spot on & not something I'd realised before.

    As someone who has been slightly unfaithful (not intercourse) in younger years I think you are right about this.
    • paddedjohn
    • By paddedjohn 18th Sep 16, 11:43 PM
    • 6,872 Posts
    • 7,575 Thanks
    paddedjohn
    OP, your wife is a sl*g and it's time to sort your head out and move on. Get yourself a good solicitor and start the ball rolling but above all don't blame yourself.
    Before anyone asks, yes I've been there in virtually the same circumstances.
    Be Alert..........Britain needs lerts.
    • PenguinOfDeath
    • By PenguinOfDeath 19th Sep 16, 12:08 AM
    • 1,772 Posts
    • 7,693 Thanks
    PenguinOfDeath
    You need to speak to a solicitor and also find out about this other man
    Originally posted by helcat26
    What good would that achieve? Does it make a difference if he's the bloke next door, a self made millionaire or a hobo from the park?

    The only way the 'other person' should be considered is if they are a relative or friend of the one who has been cheated on.
    • helcat26
    • By helcat26 19th Sep 16, 10:34 AM
    • 861 Posts
    • 2,280 Thanks
    helcat26
    Hi penguin
    What I meant was the OP is going out of the country leaving his children with his wife and presumably this new man in her life.
    Surely for peace of mind and safety you would want to ensure that he does not have a criminal record or anything like that?
    • PenguinOfDeath
    • By PenguinOfDeath 19th Sep 16, 12:02 PM
    • 1,772 Posts
    • 7,693 Thanks
    PenguinOfDeath
    OK fair point, however where does that end? Does his family get checked out too? Would it be the same suspicion if he was a she?

    *back on the fence I go*
    • helcat26
    • By helcat26 19th Sep 16, 4:39 PM
    • 861 Posts
    • 2,280 Thanks
    helcat26
    For me it would be the same if it were a she.
    The OP's future actions need to include consideration of the children. If part of the consideration is whether he is happy for them to be in the care of the new partner then that determines if he carries on working away or tries to have care of his children.


    Not being sexist frankly if there were no kids involved I would not care if he was an axe murderer
    • bbarroso
    • By bbarroso 29th Sep 16, 9:50 AM
    • 37 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    bbarroso
    helcat26, exactly my point. I'm done, because once you have an affair the backdoor is open and to be fair, we only live once, let her be, plenty of nice people out there. Time will come where passion will fade and she finds this other guy has is own set of flaws, he will be paid the same way. My parenting responsibilities, however, are still to provide for my daughter and her well-being.

    Had an argument recently she was saying to be a good mom and this and that, yet whenever she makes up her mind she just goes to spend the night away with him - Its an ongoing issue with no regret whatsoever.
    Last edited by bbarroso; 29-09-2016 at 4:53 PM.
    • bbarroso
    • By bbarroso 30th Sep 16, 5:20 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    bbarroso
    OP, your wife is a sl*g and it's time to sort your head out and move on. Get yourself a good solicitor and start the ball rolling but above all don't blame yourself.
    Before anyone asks, yes I've been there in virtually the same circumstances.
    Originally posted by paddedjohn
    Thanks for the encouragement and I'm sorry to hear it happened to you as well. How did you got over the pain when that happened? Is it something it only gets better once you meet someone else or time just heals it?
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 30th Sep 16, 5:24 PM
    • 14,353 Posts
    • 36,534 Thanks
    FBaby
    One day you'll fall in love again and you will thank your ex for what she did as otherwise, you will never have had the chance to meet and share your life with the love of your life who makes you so much happier.
    • ThomasMJacobs
    • By ThomasMJacobs 11th Oct 16, 10:19 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    ThomasMJacobs
    I think just warn her that until you return she should allow the other guy to visit your daughter. If she doesn't agree then consult a lawyer.
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