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  • FIRST POST
    • justme111
    • By justme111 17th Jul 16, 4:13 PM
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    justme111
    my turn to ask for perspective. .
    • #1
    • 17th Jul 16, 4:13 PM
    my turn to ask for perspective. . 17th Jul 16 at 4:13 PM
    UPDATE ON PAGE 5, FURTHER UPDATE ON PAGE 6
    My boyfriend of a couple of years drinking upsets and annoys me. He drinks on most days and it is not just one or two glasses - 3, 4 and more. A bottle for him only is easily gone and on many occasions it is more. He often buys boxes of wine so it is easy to lose track. I asked him a while ago not to get wine in boxes , he stopped , now he started again. I told him a while ago his alcohol consumption is one of the issues our relationship may not work for. It decreased for a while (although still stayed more than I personally would be comfortable with) then picked up again. He acknowledged that his alcohol consumption is way above recommended norm. His behaviour does not change in a negative way , he does not appear drunk, if anything he can be funnier than when sober and to an observer he would appear perfectly fine.
    I still vehemently dislike it but I question my dislike and whether it comes from the right place and what to do with it.
    His chilling time in the evenings often means drink and tv. As at the moment he does not live with me yet (planning to move in with me next month) and I do not have SKY he watches whatever on laptop in bed with me. Usually it is something that I watch as well and once it is finished the laptop is off. A couple of times though he continued browsing internet or watching tv while drinking after. No specific programmes , it feels to me as if he did not want to switch it off because once it is off the evening and drinking ended and there is no more fun. I in the meantime lay there being upset , I even considered getting up and going to a spare room but I realise it will upset everybody even more and delay me falling asleep even more. My sleep is good , I could fall asleep with the tv on if needed but it is not optimal and doing it to facilitate his late evenings is not something I feel happy about. I told him how I felt , I suggested bed is for us doing something together, if he wants to do something that I do not partake in he would stay in another room.
    Comments and questions welcome as I want to do what is right , I do not want to mess this one up ..
    Last edited by justme111; 11-07-2017 at 12:31 PM.
Page 6
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 7th Dec 16, 12:17 AM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Interesting. So you never heard of anybody whose alcohol consumption would ever decrease at some point in their lives ?
    Sorry I just realised the above comes across as very insensitive. I am sorry you had to go through it with him. I hope you ok now.
    Originally posted by justme111

    No, I haven't. Not when it's become a problem for everybody around them. Even in rehab, they were told that a successful class meant only 9 out of 10 of them would be back at square one within a year of discharge. What I've heard of is people who become better at hiding their alcohol consumption at some point in their lives.


    Thanks for the second paragraph. Yes, I am OK, I met somebody who is a thousand times sweeter, smarter, funnier and kinder, and we're getting married next year.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • justme111
    • By justme111 7th Dec 16, 7:30 AM
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    justme111
    You may have missed the info in my case it was not a problem for anybody but me let alone "everybody around them ".
    Thank you for trying to spare me heartache anyway x
    • Knightsuntold
    • By Knightsuntold 7th Dec 16, 9:53 AM
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    Knightsuntold
    I thought long and hard about whether to post this, but I'm going to. One good story, one not so good.

    Going back many years ago, my relationship crashed in the worst of circumstances. I not only lost my partner, but my entire circle of friends. I started hanging around with my sister and her friends, whom I'd always considered to be big drinkers, when I wasn't, and I never had been. Fast-forward a year, and we were out on a celebration. It suddenly hit me that I was matching them drink for drink. We're taking about five alcopops at 8%, with a shot of vodka mixed in each one, in an hour and a quarter. And I didn't even feel merry. I was that shocked, I went home. I've never drank like that since. I still enjoy a drink, but the maximum will be a glass of wine with dinner, or four vodka and lemonades spread out across an evening. I rarely drink at home. None of this is a conscious decision, I'm not fighting massive desires, it's just the way it goes.

    The only other experience that I have is my stepson's natural mum. If you were to meet her when she's sober, she comes across as a quiet, reserved intelligent woman, in a smart suit and pearls. She can hold a decent conversation, and there is a good sense of humour there. When my stepson's dad first met her, she was a woman who liked a drink, but was open about it. She never drank in the day, but thought nothing of a bottle of wine throughout the evening - two or more if she had company. She used it as a way to relax. Tuesdays and Thursdays she didn't drink, unless they were out or had visitors. My stepson's dad didn't have a clue there was anything wrong. When she became pregnant, she stopped drinking all together, and stayed that way for over a year. It was on the day of my stepson's christening that his dad was calling her to leave for church, and ended up going upstairs to see what was wrong. She was passed out on the bed, empty bottle of vodka along side her, baby in the cot. This started a pattern of drinking, tearful excuses, promises that it would never happen again, months of normality and then drinking again. The final straw came when my stepson's dad was working a night-shift. The neighbour rang him to say that his son had been crying for a couple hours, and the neighbour couldn't get an answer at the door. When his dad got home, she wasn't there. She'd popped out to the off-licence, missed the opening hours by minutes, and called in the pub just for one, which had turned into more, leaving a three year old, home alone. She didn't make it home until the clubs had kicked out.

    When I met her, I couldn't really believe what I'd been told. I knew it was the truth, but I thought it had been exaggerated or embellished with resentment. She seemed so normal. At the time, we were encouraging contact, and using a contact centre, as it had to be supervised contact. I thought it was a bit over the top, but went with it anyway. One day I received a call asking me to get to the contact centre as soon as possible, to collect my stepson. They wouldn't tell me anything over the phone, so I assumed that she hadn't turned up - it had happened before. When I got there minutes later, there was a police riot van outside, an ambulance just pulling up, and a policeman on the pavement, with his hands held out in a placating gesture. She was lying in the gutter, covered in her own vomit, with a fence post beside her, that she'd been threatening to put the window through with, because the people at the centre wouldn't let her in. Her face was bright red, she was screaming obscenities, legs cut with big holes in her tights, and no shoes. If it hadn't been for the blue suit, I don't think I would have recognised her, at a glance.

    The thing is underneath it all, she's a nice person, but she's ill, and the drink brings out some serious demons. I firmly believe that seeing her son was so important to her, that just had a quick drink to cope, and it turned into a lot more. She has ruined so many of his celebrations and important occasions, by turning up drunk and behaving inappropriately. She has three definite phases - stone cold sober, controlled drinking where it's just in the evening with a couple of sober days to prove she's still in control, and absolute loss of control - you never know what you're going to get.

    I hope your situation is the former, and through your illness, your partner has realised what he stands to lose - it can happen that way. So saying, it's important for you to bear in mind that it's possible for someone to go months living life the way you want it to be, only for it to slip at some point - I'm not saying that it will happen, but it's possible.

    I really do wish you all the best with this.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 7th Dec 16, 10:56 AM
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    gonzo127
    i think the same as everyone here, in that i wish you the best and hope that you are right that he has changed.

    however i am going through this cycle with my best friend and her husband, and just cant imagine it will last, as basically her story has similar overtones to yours, as it she had talks, which reduced his consumption, for a few months, everything got back to being great, then it slowly started getting more, the couple of drinks at the weekend became getting tipsey at the weekend, which turned into getting drunk every now and then at the weekend, to a drink with the midweek game etc etc until it was back to 'pre-talk' levels within the year.

    she is now on the third cycle of this (that i know of for certain) with each cycle getting worse to the point in the last one in which she moved in with her mum, talking their kids with her, however, they have talked it over, and he is now 'not drinking' and things are better, and its been just over a month now since he 'properly' drank so is moving back in with him so the kids can have a family Christmas.

    i have personally believe i have heard her give every excuse under the sun for his behavior, and how he has changed, and that he isnt an alcoholic and they have caught it before it became a problem that affected everyone else etc etc

    but as far as i am concerned, its all monkey nuts, and yes that wasnt the word i wanted to use but the filter dont like the one i want, because it does effect everyone around, maybe not in major and massive ways, but

    it effects me, because i worry about her, i also worry about taking my own daughter around their in case he is drunk/in one of his moods.

    it effects her parents - probably similar reasons to me

    it will effect their kids - obviously, but also possible in other ways, such as them not wanting to invite friends around incase daddy is in a state

    it effects his work- it is not unusual for him to turn up late or hung over/still drunk even though he is able to function to a certain degree that people dont always notice

    it effects the rest of their friends - they used to have a large friendship group, now they very rarely go out together and with friends

    anyways i shall stop my rant on the subject, as i do honestly hope he has changed, just wanted to give the perspective of someone who is on the outside looking in at one of his friends with which he is powerless to help properly
    Drop a brand challenge
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    • justme111
    • By justme111 7th Dec 16, 11:40 AM
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    justme111
    Knightsuntold , my situation is neither. As in the first one it was your own realisation you drunk more than you liked. In the latter it was someone who did not manage to function while in my case there were no occasions my bf (well partner now) when his behavior was in any way inappropriate or he failed to meet his commitments due to drinking.
    Orangesandapples, I am not sure what your issue is with me being happy with my partner's drinking habits at present. You seem to run some paralel conversation with someone who is sure all will be fine now (if you read my posts you would seen I am not), diagnosed at a distance my partner as an alcoholic and a liar . You are sure that his drinking will be an issue again ( I am not sure , but you are!) and that I suddenly lost my sense of olfaction and marbles so that while I noticed before that he drunk I do not now.
    On top of it you assumed that we financiall linked and did not notice the irony that it is me who has no income at present after all the reservations of getting closer with someone whos drinking may at some point become a problem from financial point of view. You called me naive - I will stop short from using adjectives in desribing you as a person. I will say your post comes across as spiteful to me.
    • Knightsuntold
    • By Knightsuntold 7th Dec 16, 12:04 PM
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    Knightsuntold
    Knightsuntold , my situation is neither. As in the first one it was your own realisation you drunk more than you liked. In the latter it was someone who did not manage to function while in my case there were no occasions my bf (well partner now) when his behavior was in any way inappropriate or he failed to meet his commitments due to drinking.
    .
    Originally posted by justme111
    I'm sorry if I offended you - it wasn't my intention. I can see the parallels, even if you can't. The first situation was that I realised and I changed - it was meant to be supportive, and proof that someone can realise and change their ways, as it appears your partner has done.

    The second one was an illustration of how things may not be as you think they are. The woman in question can go a long time completely sober. She can go for months on end where she drinks in moderation, and appears to be in control. My ex was with her for years, married to her and had a child with her, before he realised that she had a history of this, and it was one massive cycle. It was your description of how your partner was, and how he's changed that rang bells with me - I've heard it before.

    But, as I said, I wish you all the best, and as long as your happy with your current situation, that's all that matters. Long may it be so.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 7th Dec 16, 12:11 PM
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    gonzo127
    I'm sorry if I offended you - it wasn't my intention. I can see the parallels, even if you can't. The first situation was that I realised and I changed - it was meant to be supportive, and proof that someone can realise and change their ways, as it appears your partner has done.

    The second one was an illustration of how things may not be as you think they are. The woman in question can go a long time completely sober. She can go for months on end where she drinks in moderation, and appears to be in control. My ex was with her for years, married to her and had a child with her, before he realised that she had a history of this, and it was one massive cycle. It was your description of how your partner was, and how he's changed that rang bells with me - I've heard it before.

    But, as I said, I wish you all the best, and as long as your happy with your current situation, that's all that matters. Long may it be so.
    Originally posted by Knightsuntold
    the highlight paragraph is what i have seen as well with my best friends husband, the cycle going from drinking to not and back to drinking, with her making excuses and defending him when he 'slips up'
    Last edited by gonzo127; 07-12-2016 at 12:14 PM.
    Drop a brand challenge
    on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
    10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
    20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
    30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 7th Dec 16, 1:33 PM
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    harrys nan
    I really do not know what you are trying to get people to say here, everything that somebody tells you re the drinking, you seem to be putting your head in the sand, drinking doesn't get any better. I have lived with a step father who drunk and believe me it wasn't very nice, now I have a sister who drinks and again that sucks.Why would you want to waste your life like that??
    In regards to going to bed at different times, that in itself , just would not bother me, but the reason he stays up later would.
    Your life, your choice
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • Mr Costcutter
    • By Mr Costcutter 7th Dec 16, 2:20 PM
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    Mr Costcutter
    OP, perhaps your focus should be upon your own wellbeing. Your partner's problem with drink has caused you profound upset and sadly probably always will. This is turn will only sap your strength at a time when you require support.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 7th Dec 16, 3:08 PM
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    justme111
    or has had too many hangovers so has been dismissed from his job or had his jsa sanctioned?

    Can you imagine bringing children into this, being an old age pensioner with this man?
    Wild imagination goes on.
    He NEVER had a single missed day at work due to any hangovers. What is the point of considering it?
    Harrys nan , why are you telling me drinking does not get better in response to an update about how it DID get betterbto the extent it is no issue anymore? I did not want people to say anything specific , I just posted an update on how it is NOT a problem at the moment and how I am happy about it and HOPE ( not sure , note it ) that it will continue so. Is it so difficult to write as Twiddlywinks done - "good to hear , beware it may change , happy for you "? What makes you feel obliged to tell me I am wrong in that he does not drink , that it is going to be an issue again , that bad things that never happened before (impact on job or my finances) are going to happen etc ? You do not seembto get that my living with him never have been affected by his drinking apart from a couple of evenings when he wanted to stay up for longer than I did. At the moment I do not have any issues with his drinking at all , what is the point of you tellung me how not nice is to live with drinking people - I do not.

    Knightsuntold, I was not offended by your post , sorry if my response given you that impression, I can be somewhat be concise to the point of being abrupt specially when typing in a hurry.
    I understood your first example was actually positive one ; I made a point that it was not as good in my case as the guy needed a few nudges instead of looking at himself and thinking it for himself.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 7th Dec 16, 3:11 PM
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    justme111
    OP, perhaps your focus should be upon your own wellbeing. Your partner's problem with drink has caused you profound upset and sadly probably always will. This is turn will only sap your strength at a time when you require support.
    Originally posted by Mr Costcutter
    As per update - no problem , no upset.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 8th Dec 16, 12:05 AM
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    annandale
    People can cut down on drinking. It's possible. I think it's a bit odd that the Op posted that her partner has cut down and got the responses she has.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 11th Jul 17, 12:30 PM
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    justme111
    Update a year later. My bf moved with me last September (I guess it makes him my partner now). After a few talks he cut drinking to weekends. After me pointing out Sunday does not count as weekend it is properly weekends - Friday and Saturdays. If there is a special occasion (party or catching up with friends or beach visit ) it can happen during the week but it has happened on very few occasions and those do not seem to be increasing in frequency. Holiday time it happens on week days , if we are abroad every day and if at home some days . Some times after either particularly stressful or particularly successful day I get alcohol on week days for us - pimms or sider or ale. Happens rarely, once a quarter may be. I am happy with frequency at the moment. Although ideal would been even fewer times in my opinion what is now is within "it's ok" range - in my opinion again. The amount drunk is still too high (3 bottles of wine) on many occasions. But I am happy that he is not trying to get to this amount at a cost of other activities that would be compromised if it was to happen. It does not come in a way - like for example it would if I was in bed but he was still drinking. A couple of weeks ago I made a comment on how his eyes unappealingly glaze over when he is at that level and since then it diminished further. Resuming - his drinking is not a stumbling block for me anymore; it is a minor downside which I am happy to live with as we all have them and I believe it may improve further.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 11th Jul 17, 2:34 PM
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    meer53
    It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jul 17, 2:44 PM
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    Mojisola
    Some times after either particularly stressful or particularly successful day I get alcohol on week days for us

    Happens rarely, once a quarter may be. I am happy with frequency at the moment.

    The amount drunk is still too high (3 bottles of wine) on many occasions.

    Resuming - his drinking is not a stumbling block for me anymore; it is a minor downside which I am happy to live with as we all have them and I believe it may improve further.
    Originally posted by justme111
    It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.
    Originally posted by meer53
    It does sound as if it's something that you are having to be watchful about.

    Using alcohol as a reward or pick-me-up is fine when those times are very occasional but it does set a pattern which could quickly become more frequent if life goes through a bad phase.

    The amount drunk in one session is also a concern.

    Is he behaving now because you're monitoring his intake? What would happen if you just ignored his drinking? Would he take over responsibility for the amount he drinks or would he start using more?

    I hope you're right and he will become less reliant on booze.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 11th Jul 17, 3:40 PM
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    justme111
    It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.
    Originally posted by meer53
    Is everything that one is aware of classed as "stumbling block"? If so then my wording was misleading, what I meant that it is not something that makes me question our relationship. Not sure what do you mean by " focus" - I was updating a thread that I started. If it meant that it is one's focus then nobody ever would updated threads once situation changed. If you mean that I still keep an eye on it- then yes, sure, and my super detailed recount is a proof of it
    Mojisola , he remarked he felt more awake during the weekdays (I have not noticed any change so the remark was unprompted). If I was not around I have no doubts he would have drunk more but likely to a lesser extent than before. It looks like it was a phase in life - divorce , demanding job, high level of income, moving to another part of the country and being alone- that was accompanied by increased drinking and after meeting me he still continued pattern of a few previous years. Re pickup or reward - not concerned about it as if it happens it is initiated by me and I drink little and rarely.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jul 17, 3:43 PM
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    Mojisola
    It looks like it was a phase in life - divorce , demanding job, high level of income, moving to another part of the country and being alone- that was accompanied by increased drinking and after meeting me he still continued pattern of a few previous years.
    Originally posted by justme111
    I hope that he can see his life is better without so much alcohol and that it lasts.

    Those of us who have seen addicts relapse as soon as life gets tough can get a bit cynical - fingers crossed that your OH is one of those who makes a permanent change.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 11th Jul 17, 3:55 PM
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    justme111
    As in his case it looks like habitual drinking ( not to drown sorrows, not related to emotions but just because he is used to it) tough life should not affect it , if anything should collect him more. In any case if it gets worse I know where the door is and for now we both enjoy novelty of cohabitation . I already divorced once someone who's drinking was a big issue for me so it can be done(there were other issues there more important than drinking but it contributed to those issues).
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 11th Jul 17, 4:05 PM
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    Ozzuk
    I used to be a habitual drinker, I could drink enough vodka to drown a small village. A few partners told me I drank way too much. I knew it wasn't a drink problem though, I didn't do it sneakily and knew I could stop if I wanted to.

    Which I did last year, I now rarely drink in an evening and usually only one night on a weekend, bottle of vodka lasts weeks not a weekend. For me it was something I enjoyed, but thought maybe its better to ease off so I did.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 11th Jul 17, 6:05 PM
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    justme111
    Nice to read someone stopped this silly and dangerous habit. One of the issues is that while you may know it is harmless (apart from health , appearance and pocket) but those addicted think they know it as well so where do our draw the line ... My ex used to drink 2 bottles of vodka a week for months at a time and by what I see continued for another 10 years. He was and is perfectly functioning on it - built up a career again, got new family. He always denied he had any issues with alcohol. Until a few months ago when he said in passing during conversation about his liver stopping drinking is the most straightfirward answer but it will be an issue. That was the first time in dozens of years he acknowledged he had an issue. .. I had mixed emotions at hearing it - hurt that he has not before, upset that now it is kind of official while before I could kid myself I was wrong and he did not have a problem, feeling for him how hard it must have been for him to acknowledge it..
    My present partner started drinking lemonade instead of wine then moved onto squash- gallons of this stuff are consumed now in our house . Not particularly healthy either but better than wine ..
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