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  • FIRST POST
    • Waves and Smiles
    • By Waves and Smiles 17th Mar 16, 5:23 PM
    • 5,025Posts
    • 21,052Thanks
    Waves and Smiles
    Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3
    • #1
    • 17th Mar 16, 5:23 PM
    Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3 17th Mar 16 at 5:23 PM
    This thread is a continuation of The Mental Health thread “Here we can all be heard for a little while Part 2”. The previous thread can be found here-

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5320917&page=501

    I started the original thread when I was lonely and suffering with mental health issues and was lucky to find a wonderful group of amazing new friends who now mean the world to me. My name was Worried and Scared back then but with the help of everyone here I became Waves and Smiles. This thread is no longer just about me, it is about all of us and for anyone who needs mental health support, their carers and anyone who is interested in learning more. Sometimes we speak seriously, sometimes we offer gentle advice and a lot of the time we laugh together. Sometimes I write mini-novels about my experiences of living with complex mental illness. What is important is everyone here is there for each other. New posters are welcome to join in, or just lurk (we call them humming birds because they hover!) if they would prefer. This is a place without judgement or pressure, and a safe place for everyone. We try to keep abbreviations to a minimum but if there are some that you do not understand please ask.

    Sir Pugliet is our Good Mental Health pug! You may notice that he is mentioned from time to time, he is a little cuddly pug toy that was sent to me by a friend on the thread. He is something of a celebrity now!


    Hugs and warm handshakes, or finger squishes, whichever you prefer.

    Also, please take a look at the following links which offer great advice written by the lovely people at MSE!

    http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/family/2016/03/martin-lewis-launches-new-money--mental-health-policy-institute

    http://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/05/16/the-money-and-mental-health-policy-institute-whatll-it-really-do

    http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/mental-health-guide
    Last edited by Waves and Smiles; 17-05-2016 at 10:29 AM.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
Page 293
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 15th Oct 16, 6:49 PM
    • 2,304 Posts
    • 4,824 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I've had a day doing nothing, except laundry and changing the bed. Tomorrow I am resolved to get on with my homework, or do something at least!
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 15th Oct 16, 7:11 PM
    • 13,658 Posts
    • 33,145 Thanks
    elsien
    I am still a washing machine free zone. Having got the plumbing fixed, the new machine wouldn't get through the door and they had to take it back. Thank goodness for local independent businesses who offer good customer service. Can't see Argos taking an unpacked machine back again just because the customer is an idiot.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • katiie
    • By katiie 15th Oct 16, 11:34 PM
    • 111 Posts
    • 190 Thanks
    katiie
    Hi all, sorry to interrupt. I'm a bit confused about what this thread is for. I've been trying to find somewhere to vent as it were but think I may be in the wrong place.

    Sorry, carry on. *gets coat*
    IBS - D sufferer since 2008, Anxiety sufferer since 2010
    • Waves and Smiles
    • By Waves and Smiles 16th Oct 16, 12:06 AM
    • 5,025 Posts
    • 21,052 Thanks
    Waves and Smiles
    Hello Katiie! This thread is for anyone who might be having any mental health problems, their carers or anyone generally interested. For mental health problems that can be anything from depression, anxiety, more complex difficulties, or simply someone who is feeling upset right now and needs somewhere safe to vent. Really, absolutely everyone is welcome if they would like to be heard! You are more than welcome to talk here and we will be happy to listen.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
    • Waves and Smiles
    • By Waves and Smiles 16th Oct 16, 6:26 AM
    • 5,025 Posts
    • 21,052 Thanks
    Waves and Smiles
    After a very bad night for me- Tiny penguin explaining, not pleasant- (catatonia and stuck in a world I couldn't get out of with animals burning to death which was my fault) I have been crying to my american friend about what one can do when one feels this awful. She simply said "You keep on living until you feel alive again". I had to share that, it is so simple but has helped me so much. Yes, you do just that.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 16th Oct 16, 6:29 AM
    • 21,463 Posts
    • 75,332 Thanks
    Pyxis
    Regular repost of Etiquette.......
    The thread etiquette...........
    (The thread etiquette will be reposted every ten or so pages.)
    ......................................... ......................................... .................
    Here is the suggested THREAD ETIQUETTE. By following this etiquette, all posters, whether new or existing, will feel safe, unpressured and respected..

    !!!But first...............please be assured........................................... .......................******It should be pointed out that if anyone is feeling very distressed or close to a crisis, they do not have to worry about what they are posting, or whether it is a penguin for someone else or not. (See below about penguins). In a crisis situation, just post! We wouldn't want anyone to feel that they couldn't ask for help in case it's a penguin! The penguin thing only applies to a general discussion situation.******


    - This is a thread for support. We have discovered some good friends on here, but we promise always to welcome and include new people, and not to be cliquey.

    - People may make suggestions to help each other, and might even ask if the suggestions were helpful or have been carried out, but we'll really try not to nag each other or put too much pressure on.

    - The normal board rules about sexism, racism, homophobia etc. apply, but if we are careful we should be able to discuss almost anything without breaching board rules - so far we have discussed subjects ranging from child abuse to incontinence!

    -If someone thinks that too much pressure is being applied, they can post the trigger word PENGUIN and flag up the fact that they believe there's a potential for someone feeling too nagged to do something. ANYONE could post PENGUIN if they felt there was a danger that suggestions were being enforced too much.

    Similarly, if they want to discuss something that might be a trigger for some people, then posting PENGUIN would be a warning that what follows in the whiteout might be a trigger.



    - So, if you think something might be a PENGUIN, please post something like the green bit which follows.

    "Possible penguin about.........(Type of Trigger)" The trigger might be:- child abuse, marital abuse/violence, paranoia, stalkers, death, etc. (It's important to indicate the type of trigger, so that people can avoid reading it if they need to).

    Then, when you post, repost the word PENGUIN above the discussion. Then post the penguiny bit in white! And the phrase END OF PENGUIN when you have finished.

    It will look like this. You will be able to see the white text if you highlight it or if you quote it, (so please don't 'quote' a post containing a penguin onto the thread!)
    (Harmless example follows here):-
    PENGUIN

    This is a penguin. A nasty, crotch biting penguin (CBP).
    It isn't really! So you can look
    . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozGTv0hxhpc[/url]


    END OF PENGUIN

    (NB on a tenth-page repost of the etiquette, you can see these penguiny words because they are white against the green 'quote' background. On a normal post, they will be white against white, and so won't be seen on the thread.)

    IMPORTANT: It has been ascertained that some posters to this thread have found that there are certain subjects which act as triggers, precipitating a worsening of their condition.
    To protect these posters, you are respectfully requested NOT to discuss these subjects on this thread:-

    Religion. (Please note: it is recognised that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and we respect those beliefs. It is only because of the fact that religion does act as a trigger for some posters, that we exclude it from discussion.)
    N.B. Please don't even mention the name of the religion.

    The afterlife. The reason for this is explained in this thread by one poster, and there will be others for whom this is a trigger.

    We ask and thank you for your co-operation in this matter.


    ......................................... ......................................... ............

    !!!So, to reiterate..............******It should be pointed out that if anyone is feeling very distressed or close to a crisis, they do not have to worry about what they are posting, or whether it is a penguin for someone else or not. In a crisis situation, just post! We wouldn't want anyone to feel that they couldn't ask for help in case it's a penguin! The penguin thing only applies to a general discussion situation.******

    - More suggestions please.............We stress that we are suggesting that we AGREE some Thread Etiquette to HELP people who might feel anxious about posting, we are not trying to IMPOSE rules, just relating this to facilitating groups, so that people feel safe and able to participate as fully as they can.

    ...............Thread Motto...............
    Nos Omnes Ad Audiendum Parumper
    Originally posted by Pyxis
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, P.P..
    ¥ ¥ ¥
    X ~O
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 16th Oct 16, 9:17 AM
    • 27,825 Posts
    • 51,041 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Hi all, still lurking.

    Sorry faerie that you are having such a bad time right now but glad you are able to take such positive action

    WaS, your friend is right, that IS all you can do, awful as it is Hope you are now in a better place.

    My husband is not too good at the moment with his anxiety, BUT he put some prints of his landscapes/seascapes on the FB site for where we have our static caravan and he has sold about ten!! So sorting all this out is actually very therapeutic and of course knowing that people want to buy them.

    He is however, thinking again about 'the apocalypse' and collecting tinned food and taking other emergency measures for when it happens. Whilst I think this is a good idea in moderation (never hurts to have a storecupboard), I have to be really careful he doesn't get too obsessed with it. I just tell him when he is, and he does accept what I say (whilst not believing it).

    Have as good a day as you can, everyone x
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • katiie
    • By katiie 16th Oct 16, 10:09 AM
    • 111 Posts
    • 190 Thanks
    katiie
    Thanks guys.
    I think I'm doing this right, I'll keep it brief.

    PENGUIN because it includes relationships and anxiety possible trigger.

    Okay, I'm more annoyed with myself as again I didn't learn my lesson.

    I've recently come out of a 2 year relationship (my decision) because it was making both me and him I'll staying.

    I say learnt my lesson because now he has gone my friends have gone with him. This happened in my first relationship to.

    In reality I'm glad they have gone as it shows who they were blah blah. I'm now left to start again trying to make friends which is hard enough because of my social anxiety which prevents me from interacting with people "normally," my age doesn't help either. I'm 25 and most people my age are either out drinking in clubs etc or going on drinking holidays. Don't get me wrong I'm not against drinking but can't handle those situations.

    END OF PENGUIN
    IBS - D sufferer since 2008, Anxiety sufferer since 2010
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 16th Oct 16, 11:56 AM
    • 11,296 Posts
    • 47,350 Thanks
    whitewing
    Katiie,

    As I was getting better, I found that internet threads were better than real life people in terms of emotional support. It would have been too much to expect of casual acquaintances and would have put new friends off.

    As you feel lighter, newer friendships in real life will start to come more naturally, provided that you make the effort to go out in the world and let them (ie do new classes etc). Also, don't expect instant friendships when you do do something new.
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
    • codemonkey
    • By codemonkey 16th Oct 16, 1:05 PM
    • 6,256 Posts
    • 22,233 Thanks
    codemonkey
    Hi katiie. Welcome. The old losing custody of the friends in a breakup is something that's happened to everyone I think. Certainly happened to me - broke up with someone after he cheated on me and our friends decided he was more fun and dropped me. Nowadays I don't have many 'couple friends', my friends are just friends with me but not Mr CP and although I'm friendly with Mr CPs friends, they're not actual friends of mine, so should we split up, he keeps his friends and I keep mine. Did that make any sense? I am hung to the over.

    So the party went OK. My costume was fabulous. Not very comfortable with posting a huge photo of me on here for the world to see but if you want to see it, PM me and I'll send a photo.

    I have a dilemma. So as we all know from my constant whining, the new job is proving stressful. However, that's settled down a bit as I get more comfortable, but, the air con situation is causing pain, I have been in lots of pain for 3 weeks now, and although they've done their best to make it more comfortable for me, I'm still struggling and the combination of the pain and the painkillers dulling my brain is that I can't focus on learning the new job and I'm not picking anything up at all. So part of me thinks I should tough it out and the other part thinks that despite how humiliating it will be, that I should ask for my old job back in the non air-conditioned place as I'm not doing myself or them any favours by generally being useless. Any words of wisdom?
    Eu não sou uma tartaruga. Eu sou um codigopombo.
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 16th Oct 16, 4:18 PM
    • 11,296 Posts
    • 47,350 Thanks
    whitewing
    code, please, please pm me your photo.

    We are off to see ER this afternoon. I took littlewing to the park earlier so she should be worn out enough for the old folks home.

    ER was in pain last time I saw her. They had not been putting her gel everywhere they should. It is really important that someone who knows them well keeps going in - too many times I have heard that the staff will pick things up. Yes, they do eventually but it is because we know her so well we can pick things up so much earlier to check.
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 16th Oct 16, 5:07 PM
    • 13,658 Posts
    • 33,145 Thanks
    elsien
    Code - are there any more adjustments they can make? More working from home on a temporary basis, anywhere else you can sit or work?
    I generally tend to the belief that going back is a mistake because the reasons that made you want to leave in the first place will usually still be there.
    As we head towards colder weather is the heating system still going to be an issue - presumably it'll be less air conditioning and a bit more heat? Or is it any sort of draught? And how long is it till the potential office move - too long to wait?
    Have you told the new people that you think the pain and the pain killers are affecting your performance?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 16th Oct 16, 9:20 PM
    • 8,418 Posts
    • 14,623 Thanks
    calleyw
    Evening my Lovelies,

    I have been around reading since I got back on friday. Had a lovely time and ate and spent far to much I don't have oh well LOL!!!

    Yesterday I did do a little bit in the garden. Got some weed fabric down. But before I can re-use the gravel have to sieve it has it has dirt and stuff in it.

    I still have my lodger. But I swear I am not sure if he is just stupid or there is some more serious there or not.

    Not sure if mentioned this before but he owns a lot of money and has taken out £3k in car finance but its ok its not a loan!!!! And he seems to be spending more and more time again with his ex!!!!

    Anyway how hard is it to put recycling out. We have blue lidded bin that clearly states cardboard and plastic. So what do I find in it a radio alarm clock among other stuff that can't be put in it. He does not seem to get that it makes the bin and lorry contaminated.

    Our local garden centre has opened its C word department. I think I will end up going about 3 times. once with a friend, once with husband and once with my mum LOL!!!!

    Well hugs and handshakes and squishes all round. Hope you are feeling better today WaS.

    Take care

    Yours

    Calley X
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • codemonkey
    • By codemonkey 16th Oct 16, 10:45 PM
    • 6,256 Posts
    • 22,233 Thanks
    codemonkey
    Code - are there any more adjustments they can make? More working from home on a temporary basis, anywhere else you can sit or work?
    I generally tend to the belief that going back is a mistake because the reasons that made you want to leave in the first place will usually still be there.
    As we head towards colder weather is the heating system still going to be an issue - presumably it'll be less air conditioning and a bit more heat? Or is it any sort of draught? And how long is it till the potential office move - too long to wait?
    Have you told the new people that you think the pain and the pain killers are affecting your performance?
    Originally posted by elsien
    They've made all the adjustments they physically can and have said I can work from home a lot but I can't learn my job if I'm never in the office. The vents blast air all year round(its like it hits a certain temp and then coold down by blasting freezing air) and the new building has the same set up. I just feel like I'm not able to give enough to this job as my resources are taken up by pain and I've quadrupled my painkiller usage since I started there.
    Last edited by codemonkey; 16-10-2016 at 10:47 PM.
    Eu não sou uma tartaruga. Eu sou um codigopombo.
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 16th Oct 16, 10:59 PM
    • 11,296 Posts
    • 47,350 Thanks
    whitewing
    code, could you have surgery to block the problem nerve?
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
    • faerielight
    • By faerielight 16th Oct 16, 10:59 PM
    • 1,480 Posts
    • 2,723 Thanks
    faerielight
    Hi guya it'a all gone wqrong again with my boundaries and the carer problem has got much wqorse, before i penguin, this post is about her sharing things with me, then me seeing it as a green light to open up, 2 nights ago, but last n9ight i could tell i had upset her as she shut down and has now goe off sick because of me .. penguin abuse issues too.. please dont read if you're feeling triggery!!!!


    PENGUIN

    The carer e came on friday and bought me an adult colouring calendar, and some disposable cat plates, which was so sweet, but it confused me, boundary wise, cos I know you're not meant to give or get things with carers. Anyway she opened out massively to me, about her PTSD from an abusive childhood. she said she had a year of EMDR, talked openly about flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety etc, and how meek and submissive she is, so she can't stand up or speak out for herself how she thinks eshe is to blame for everything. She then talked about her friend who has been in a long term psych unit for 2 years, she's just being diagnosed with BPD, that she self harms etc, but she doesn't believe she has it. she said she is hearing voices and that her psych nurse is dealing skunk to her and other patients, (which is beyond awful). Then she said her friends e had just started remembering her childhood SA from her stepfather. I could sense the carer was a hairs breathe from naming her abuser. and abuse.


    And that was the point when I was so confused as to boundaries, I got the green light to then talk about my BPD, my PTSD and that my mother SA me.
    I told her to tell her friend if she gets out from her long term section, to contact the survivors charity that I'm starting therapy with, as it will help with her abuse issues.
    In hindsight the conversation was getting really personal,and we both seemed really stressed, (we already were because of the situation with my friend being rude) so I lost my boundaries and the ability to look after my head and hers, . I then asked her if she had seen the programme this week called National Treasure about the historic sex abuse, she then asked if I'd seem the recent Lois Theroux documentary about Savile, and the last thing I said to her as she left was that my dad knew him, how me got me in the audience on Jim'll Fix It, I met him in his dressing room alone, he made me sit on his lap and hge got hard.
    She must've been left with what I said, and I feel so awful.

    She came last night and was completely shut down, not speaking and not making eye contact, I could see her vulnerability,. it was clearly so stressful for both of us, as we both musty've triggered each other.
    So when it was a different carer who told me she was distraught today and has gone off sick, I knew that I had messed up so badly, and there will be horrible consequences via the care manerger this week. They had told me that if there was another "incident" they would have to send 2 carers in and get social services to get me a different care provider.

    I feel like all of this , this week has been catastrophic, and I feel like it's all my fault, first my friend then me losing all boundaries and disclosing my trauma to her.
    Honest to god, I don't know what to do, I'm so confused and I'm so terrified, and I feel like I'm in real big trouble . I' can't think of a wqay out other than suicide.. My BPD trashes everything, my other best friend , he has sent me an email saying he is cutting contact with me,

    I'm a drowning child, and I'm pulling everyone down. I haven't eaten more than a couple of snack bars for a week, I'm not sleeping, I'm not coping, This week came out of nowhere, and my reaction to it had damaged my friendships.. I feel like I'm the one that needs to be in s psyc unit. I wish I clicked with my key worker, but she is harsh and theres no empathy, and having it every 3 wqeeks is not enough, for someone who's been through what I've been through medically and psychologically for 5 years with no mh support til now. I ask her but she refuses , There are members that have it weekly , I dont know how many ways i can tell her im not coping , I'm completely out of control with my BPD, I don't know what to do about anything. I've lost my 2 best friends of 25 years, my whole life is falling to pieces, I have the Pit Of Fear permanently in my belly, ever since all the medical trauma, my health, housing, friends, it's all caving in.. because of MY BPD. I hate thius illness so bad.it never stops costing me. I just feel so sorry for everything I've caused to people I love and people i dont know I need physical care, but my mental health spills out, I feel so trapped.
    Many thanks to all who contribute on MSE
    • codemonkey
    • By codemonkey 16th Oct 16, 11:09 PM
    • 6,256 Posts
    • 22,233 Thanks
    codemonkey
    code, could you have surgery to block the problem nerve?
    Originally posted by whitewing
    Nope. Only option is to completely sever the nerve, and that could make things worse. Because I have it on both sides, I'd have no feeling in my face. Neurologist doesn't want to do that.

    Faerie it seems to me that you didn't do anything wrong. The carer breached the boundaries and you continued the conversation, perhaps that was the wrong thing to do but hey, you have BPD and took your cue from her. She's off sick because of her own problems., not yours.
    Last edited by codemonkey; 16-10-2016 at 11:14 PM.
    Eu não sou uma tartaruga. Eu sou um codigopombo.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 16th Oct 16, 11:15 PM
    • 13,658 Posts
    • 33,145 Thanks
    elsien
    Faerie, I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything.
    Your carer acted unprofessionally by starting the conversation and telling you the things that she did - she was blurring every boundary going.
    My suggestion (from an outside perspective because I know little about BPD) is that she has realised that how she talked to you was not appropriate, and that may have been in part what triggered her going off sick. It is generally not OK for carers to over-share like that, to protect both themselves and you and I can't see that the agency would be putting all the responsibility onto you.
    You are upset, you are not sleeping well, you are not eating properly and aside from anything else that will be having an impact on your emotions. Try not to panic.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 16th Oct 16, 11:15 PM
    • 11,296 Posts
    • 47,350 Thanks
    whitewing
    faerie

    It seems to me that the carer perhaps shouldn't be doing the role that she is at this present time. That isn't your fault. It is the fault of the abusers. She may have not told her employers her history in full either.

    Do you think it would help you to speak to the police about the Jimmy Saville incident? It may help you to feel that it wasn't your fault if you have it on record. It may also be something that helps to reduce the possibility of similar happening again.

    I struggle with boundaries too.

    You said that you trigger each other. That's good that you recognise that - you're not blaming; you're just stating it how it is. More evidence to me that you are getting better.

    Don't spiral yourself down. Crap happens, even when you are trying harder than you've ever tried in your life. (I got scammed over a few months and I am trying to sort that out currently. I don't take it personally but I could do without the hassle). Maybe you have done the carer a favour in a strange way - perhaps she will be able to get some kind of help.

    There may not be any consequences. How is her company going to know that you made her go off sick? She isn't likely to admit the situation to them, is she?

    I can't remember all of your post so I am not ignoring other things.

    Try to rest. Let the worries drift away.
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 16th Oct 16, 11:22 PM
    • 11,296 Posts
    • 47,350 Thanks
    whitewing
    How about botox, code, or does that have a undesirable effect too?
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
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