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  • FIRST POST
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 6th Dec 15, 12:18 PM
    • 1,577Posts
    • 8,930Thanks
    Florence J
    Flo's Debt Free Diary
    • #1
    • 6th Dec 15, 12:18 PM
    Flo's Debt Free Diary 6th Dec 15 at 12:18 PM
    Hi there,
    After reading through many of the debt free diaries, I feel brave enough to start my own.
    In many ways 2015 has been one of the best years of my life. I finally fulfilled my dream of getting a full time Ďadult jobí (not that Iím implying some jobs are more worthy than others) which meant for pretty much the first time in three years I have been able to pay rent and bills without borrowing the money off my boyfriend, or living off him. My previous jobs were wonderful, I worked for great people and enjoyed the work, I had three jobs, working for my friends animation company part time, working part time in an independent arts Centre, and volunteering for essential admin experience in an art gallery. I loved all the jobs, but despite working 6 days a week, I was making negative income, and that was before I bought anything non-essential (such as clothes, which is almost an addiction for me). I have five credit cards, which I foolishly gained the majority of in 2014, when I was working less and needed money. Did I spend the money on anything useful, like paying bills or food shopping? No, I went out all the time, I bought clothes, I bought magazine subscriptions, I got takeaways, I bought gifts for my friends, even though they knew the money was coming from dodgy credit cards and usually tried to stop me. I thought Iíd be ok, I had no thoughts about what this would do to me financially or to my credit rating. I was an idiot.
    I also used to smoke, but have finally kicked that habit 13 weeks ago today. I was smoking so much, ruining my health and straining my relationship with my boyfriend who detests smoking. Hiding the smoking habit from him made me feel like the worst person in the world, I am not a dishonest person by nature, but I was addicted to smoking and to shopping. I donít want to make it seem like Iím making excuses for myself, but I didnít learn much financial guidance from my family. My mother was an alcoholic and used the money from her job to buy booze at an increasingly alarming rate, my family was not well off to begin with, and the strain of this caused my father to lose his business and go bankrupt. We were on benefits for many years, my grandparents bought us food out of their savings and pension. I used to spend my pocket money as soon as I got it because otherwise my mum would steal it to buy alcohol. As a result I never learnt to save.
    I donít want to seem like I had a terrible life, I consider my life blessed in many ways. I have a great relationship with both parents, though they are no longer together, which is fine. Ultimately I knew I was loved by both, and to hate my mum for being an alcoholic would be wrong as alcoholism is a disease. I canít hate her for that.
    Due to these traumatic events and others, I suffer from depression and until this year the last few years have been very bad mental health wise. I have suffered from depression and panic attacks and am on a large dosage of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, which actually seem to be working as I feel so happy with my life, except when I think about my debts.
    I have finally paid off a debt I owe to my brother of 540, but I owe my sister a much smaller debt and my boyfriend a far, far larger debt. This is in addition to my credit card and overdraft debt of 5150 which the payments for I am just about meeting. Each month I have been paying the minimum and interest each month, and each month I then spend the minimum again. This cannot happen any longer.
    So 2016 will be the year I get serious about paying off my debts, and I have to live with a realistic budget and accept I cannot live the way I have been. It will be hard, but Iím 26 and I need to think about the future. I want to marry my boyfriend, I want a pet, I want a house, I want to continue my studies with an MA and another degree, If it wasnít for my bad job decisions and even worse spending habits I would have been able to do a couple of these things.
    The root of my money problem stems from going abroad to do an internship through a company when I left University. I borrowed the money of my brother, originally 1700 which I thought I could easily pay back. The company was fraudulent however, and I left with nothing except a debt to my brother, a debt on my credit card and all my saving gone. Due to the dodgy company status, after I consulted a lawyer, it would cost me over 3grand to take them to court, with no guarantee of winning due to a technical loop hole the company could go through, which is less than what I am owed. I had never used a credit card before that trip, I have had to leave it and try to put it out of my mind, the anger I feel drives me insane and I have to put it out of my mind in order to not make my mental health worse.
    So this is the time to put my finances in order. After reading the other debt free diaries, I know that this will be the way to chronicle my journey and get support, which will be great. Itís nice to know I am not alone and that there are others like me. I look forward to sharing with you.
Page 30
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 14th Jun 17, 7:36 AM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    Hello guys.

    I have been awake since 4:30am today, trying to get back to sleep. I gave up at 7 and came downstairs but now feel a bit groggy.

    I woke up to terrible news about a massive fire in a London tower block and despite the fact I know my brother who lives in London lives nowhere near that area, I will still need to text him to know that he is alright.

    My OH is going to try and take the morning off work to sit with me when I phone my line manager today.

    I am counting down the minutes until that time.

    My Doctor has given me a 28 day supply of a double dose of my anti depressants. That may help.

    I have realised my mistake in trying to keep it all inside and not reveal the truth. As a result I have contacted my closest friends and family about what has happened and I am going to get the support I need.

    I will post back as the day goes on. I have a long list of things I need to do concerning this today. After my call to my line manager I am going to speak to my local Mind centre.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 14th Jun 17, 8:46 AM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    I have just spoken to my manager, and it could have been a lot worse, she said it was unfortunate but that they would help and see what they could do.

    I am seeing my doctor at 10.20 to discuss my next steps or maybe if my referral for checking for BPD, or NHS counselling could perhaps be upgraded to being a bit more urgent.

    My dad will phone me between 9-10.

    My mum said yesterday she would send me some money and she didn't even give me a chance to protest, saying that I hadn't asked for it, it was a gift, and she would do the same for all her children and if she could she would give us the world.

    I wanted to set some ground rules for this time off work, but OH wouldn't let me pressure myself in any way, or set myself limitations, so we have instead set a guideline that this time off work is 'not a holiday, but also not a jail sentence' meaning if it makes me feel better I should do it, but I shouldn't use this as a chance to just be a slob and sit in my underpants all day (now there's an attractive image)

    Although over the weekend I was doing a lot of cycling I have suddenly lost a shed load of weight, 12 pounds in nearly 8 weeks with the bulk of that over the last two weeks, and most of that amount in the last week. Normally I would be overjoyed but I know it is just because eating has been far from my mind, and the concept of preparing food has been beyond me at most points.

    I still feel in shock. I kind of feel that a irreversible change has happened, that this is year 0. That things have been reset. That I am at the point of no return.

    It is sad to wake up and see that London has been tragically hurt again. But I am glad my brother is ok.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • jvr
    • By jvr 14th Jun 17, 9:24 AM
    • 324 Posts
    • 1,131 Thanks
    jvr
    H Flo,
    I'm so sorry your going through so much and that you feel any guilt or pressure for needing the time off. Would you feel the same if it was a physical illness... its really no different! Have you heard of the spoons theory... it is mainly aimed at things like chronic fatigue but I think it might help you with your time off so have a google. Your OH is absolutely right that you need to make sure you don't lock yourself away, I found it really hard to go out when I was off with stress as I felt guilty but it is about getting yourself better and being able to go on a walk/ out for a coffee is not the same as being ready for work.
    I wish the world was more understanding for you, but I think you know many of us here understand your situation and why the time off is crucial to you getting yourself in a better place and you should feel no guilt for that. Have you contacted Mind yet?
    I would say the food thing is probably far from your mind right now but agree with someone else said that maybe have a basic shopping budget and if OH wants things on top of that he budgets himself for that and it allows you to spend less but if dealing with that feels too much right now put it to one side and tell yourself you will deal with it in the future. My one bit of advice from my own experience is not to plan too much in, give yourself simple plans or jobs for the day but not too much (if you don't manage them remember to tell yourself its okay and you just didn't have enough spoons that day - will make sense if you look up spoon theory!)


    Look after yourself
    10 month debt free challenge + trip to South Africa starting on the 21st of July 2017!

    Starting point: £9000 needed to clear debt and pay for the holiday
    Now: £900£9000 paid......... £8100 to go!
    10%PAYED
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 14th Jun 17, 9:33 AM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    H Flo,
    I'm so sorry your going through so much and that you feel any guilt or pressure for needing the time off. Would you feel the same if it was a physical illness... its really no different! Have you heard of the spoons theory... it is mainly aimed at things like chronic fatigue but I think it might help you with your time off so have a google. Your OH is absolutely right that you need to make sure you don't lock yourself away, I found it really hard to go out when I was off with stress as I felt guilty but it is about getting yourself better and being able to go on a walk/ out for a coffee is not the same as being ready for work.
    I wish the world was more understanding for you, but I think you know many of us here understand your situation and why the time off is crucial to you getting yourself in a better place and you should feel no guilt for that. Have you contacted Mind yet?
    I would say the food thing is probably far from your mind right now but agree with someone else said that maybe have a basic shopping budget and if OH wants things on top of that he budgets himself for that and it allows you to spend less but if dealing with that feels too much right now put it to one side and tell yourself you will deal with it in the future. My one bit of advice from my own experience is not to plan too much in, give yourself simple plans or jobs for the day but not too much (if you don't manage them remember to tell yourself its okay and you just didn't have enough spoons that day - will make sense if you look up spoon theory!)


    Look after yourself
    Originally posted by jvr
    Thank you, I will look up spoon theory.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 14th Jun 17, 11:59 AM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    I have come back from the Doctor, and she is going to try and escalate my referral for assessment but again was honest about the fact that at best that might mean my initial assessment comes along quickly but the bulk of assessments will still take a long time.

    I went to my local Mind centre and am going to an assessment on Monday.

    I feel hollow, my eyes are sore, the skin around them is like sandpaper, but things may be ok.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 14th Jun 17, 3:41 PM
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    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    I have gotten into a bit of an anxious state, worried about what people will think of me, worried about money, worried about work, worried about what my boyfriend's parents will think of me.

    I have texted, messaged and called more people in the last 24 hours then I have done in the last year probably.

    I had a good chat with my brother on the phone, the one who lives in London but has avoided every bad thing that has befallen London recently. We spoke about anxiety, he has certain social anxiety issues too, we spoke about running and he recommended, in as kind a way as possible, that I concentrate on losing weight first and take a 3-4 month break from running. It is so tempting to run though. I guess because I don't know what my mind can do I want to concentrate on what my body can do.

    I can't believe my mind has betrayed me like this, but I guess I have been doing a poor job of looking after it.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 14th Jun 17, 4:25 PM
    • 4,260 Posts
    • 7,691 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    Exercise is good for warding off depression so maybe walking or swimming would be something you could focus on initially.

    Eating regularly and healthily is again something which will help you get better along with drinking lots of water. A kind of detox.

    What do you like doing to relax? Watch TV, read a book or listen to music. You do need to be kind to yourself.
    Countdown to early retirement on 21.12.17 3 months to go.
    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 14th Jun 17, 6:32 PM
    • 3,329 Posts
    • 28,597 Thanks
    crazy_cat_lady
    Hi Flo

    I'm sorry it's all come to a head like this, but now that it has then you can focus on making progress. Getting yourself better has to come first. Job, work, etc will come round once that is sorted. You are doing all of the right stuff - it's not going to get better overnight but it will get better. You're already working on it. Please try and stop giving yourself a hard time about it - it takes as long as it takes, 28 days, 28 weeks, 28 months. One day at a time and one step at a time.
    Make sure you stick to a routine, sleep, shower, lunch etc. It might be the last thing you feel like doing but it will help and stop you from falling into a deep depression. Sorry if I sound patronising, but it's what I do with OH when he is at his worst mentally. I hope that your OH is supporting you and helping as much as he can.
    Lots of love to you.
    NSTSeptember #32 NSD 8/18 RYSAW17 #1 £1313.42 20p Savers #88 £1 a day for Xmas # DFD 6 Nov 15 - paid £28,447
    • armchairexpert
    • By armchairexpert 15th Jun 17, 6:32 AM
    • 609 Posts
    • 3,873 Thanks
    armchairexpert
    Wait, what? Why would you stop running, which relaxes you and releases endorphins, in order to concentrate on losing weight which will do nothing for your mental health (and probably make it worse?)

    Do the things that help you feel better. Not the things you think will make you a more worthy person. You are already a worthy person. You deserve to live a happy life just as you are, right now.
    MFW diary here. 1 Feb 2017 $229,371 - MFD Feb 2043 aiming for May 2028
    14 August 2017 - Refinanced: $220,000
    September 2017 - $218,597.77
    • jvr
    • By jvr 15th Jun 17, 10:56 AM
    • 324 Posts
    • 1,131 Thanks
    jvr
    I second running - it really helps my mental health, especially learning that not every run has to be my best and when struggling just to slow down and enjoy it and its fine.
    Have you ever tried yoga.... its really helped me there is an amazing yoga youtube channel called yoga with Adrienne.
    I totally understand your feelings but please remember you are not well and you should not feel guilty for that fact - easier said than done I do realise!
    10 month debt free challenge + trip to South Africa starting on the 21st of July 2017!

    Starting point: £9000 needed to clear debt and pay for the holiday
    Now: £900£9000 paid......... £8100 to go!
    10%PAYED
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 15th Jun 17, 12:28 PM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    Thank you guys,

    After a streak of about 6 days where I was waking up at 4.30am I finally managed to catch up on my sleep and as a result only woke up about 20 minutes ago.

    But I do agree about the need for a routine and I won't make a habit of this.

    I think walking and cycling will make up the most of my exercise regime, just because for me running is such a mentally taxing form of exercise. I can't run if I'm even in a little bit of a bad mood. The other thing is I still need to have an x ray on my leg to see if I have a stress fracture-that will be next friday.

    I have read a great book called 'Grace Under Pressure' by Sophie Walker which is a running memoir but also a love story about a mother trying to help her daughter who has asperger's navigate mainstream schools and a world that doesn't understand.

    I think I will also re-read 'Leap In' by Alexandra Heminsley. I love her books. She has also written a running memoir called 'Running Like a Girl' and I may re-read that. 'Leap in' is about cold water swimming, and also how Heminsley keeps her sanity whilst undergoing IVF.

    I also took out lots of books from the library about Hygge-now I know Hygge is more of a marketing concept than anything else outside of Denmark, and I don't particularly need to be told how to be 'cosy' but I like thinking about how there is a cosy part of the year to come.

    I have taken out some of Ruby Wax's books, and I will be going to a depression/anxiety support group this weekend.

    Yesterday I went for an evening stroll around the lovely parks here with my boyfriend and I was in a bit of a state initially and thought I might throw up but I saw some lovely sites-such as a family of swans-and we got some ice creams.

    I think I may have got my appetite back a little bit.

    I think today I will walk to the library and take out some books.

    I may do a cycle, but only if I have enough 'spoons' (i looked up spoon theory, thank you JVR)

    I told boyfriend that I want him to treat me normally, which means he is allowed to pout if I watch 'Eat Well For Less' over and over again rather than treating me delicately.

    I have decided, but I am keeping it a secret, that I am going to run a half marathon for Mind. I am thinking of doing the March 2018 Newport Half Marathon, but I may give myself more time, especially as I don't know what the x ray will say about my leg.

    I wouldn't say I feel 'good' but I don't necessarily feel 'terrible'
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Aaleigha
    • By Aaleigha 15th Jun 17, 7:42 PM
    • 394 Posts
    • 2,633 Thanks
    Aaleigha
    Hi Florence

    this is my first post on MSE for years, your situation has prompted me to post. the other night, while suffering a bout of insomnia, I found your diary - it has taken me a couple of days of reading to read the whole thing.

    I see so many similarities between us - will not go into it on your diary.

    I too was going to suggest you look into the spoon theory - and when trying to explain how you feel use it as a tool to help your friends and family begin to understand. I am sure you will find so much support now you are allowing people to know - something I didnt for years, only my hubby and daughter. I lost some 'friends' who I realised were actually not real friends. Caring people will do what they can to help - BUT that could overwhelme you - tell them
    sort yourself a few things to say to people get your partner to help you with this - I have found if I have something to say people are fine, one of mine is ' today is not a good day for me, I really appreciate you and the offered (fill in here) but can I get back to you in a couple of days.'

    And remember even when you do get a final diagnosis (mine is Bipolar, with severe anxiety, social phobia and mild ocd) all that in the last 5 years but I have been to the doc on and off since I was about 30 and this year I was 60. The diagnosis is NOT you, you are NOT your diagnosis. You are Florence a kind, very compasionate person, remember that no matter what. Hxx
    NSD AUGUST - 4/19 no spend days this month

    started a zero budget to save as much as I can
    2761 to date
    • jvr
    • By jvr 16th Jun 17, 8:58 AM
    • 324 Posts
    • 1,131 Thanks
    jvr
    Hi Flo


    Oooo possible stress fracture is def a reason to not run right now! If you find other forms of exercise can be better for you mentally then focus on them
    Glad you looked at spoon theory, my sister who has chronic fatigue uses it a lot to explain how she is feeling that day its a fab simple tool and it also makes you consider if it is a good idea to do something which might mean borrowing spoons from tomorrow and leave you short then.
    It sounds like you are doing some great things to look after yourself - have you read the book wild.. it was a film too but the book is amazing and if you haven read it I would recommend it. Incredible story of a woman using a hike to get out of depression.


    Take care
    10 month debt free challenge + trip to South Africa starting on the 21st of July 2017!

    Starting point: £9000 needed to clear debt and pay for the holiday
    Now: £900£9000 paid......... £8100 to go!
    10%PAYED
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 9:22 AM
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    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    Thanks JVR, I have read Wild, the first thing I did on Wednesday was watch the film on Netflix.

    If you like Wild there is another book called 'Girl in the woods' by Aspen Mathis which is also about a young woman hiking the PCT after a trauma.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • jvr
    • By jvr 16th Jun 17, 11:58 AM
    • 324 Posts
    • 1,131 Thanks
    jvr
    ooo thanks will look it up! That film is like a comfort film to me now I could watch it over and over.


    ...... maybe we just need to hike the PCT!
    10 month debt free challenge + trip to South Africa starting on the 21st of July 2017!

    Starting point: £9000 needed to clear debt and pay for the holiday
    Now: £900£9000 paid......... £8100 to go!
    10%PAYED
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 9:10 PM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    ooo thanks will look it up! That film is like a comfort film to me now I could watch it over and over.


    ...... maybe we just need to hike the PCT!
    Originally posted by jvr
    I would love to, I dream about it in an alternative life where I can just take off for months and do that.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 17th Jun 17, 10:21 PM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    Hi everyone,

    Today has been a mostly good day. I went to see a film called The Red Turtle with my OH and two friends, who then suggested we go to a nearby burger joint afterwards which meant I had to borrow money off the OH, but he said it was a treat because I had had a traumatic week.

    I was enjoying it all, but near the end of our time having our meal I began to feel anxious, because I was having a good time, and I was happy. Which made me feel bad because I felt like I couldn't enjoy myself because I am off work ill with mental health problems.

    And it's kinda like 'Hello! Doing things that make you happy, having fun, that's all GOOD for poor mental health, it is what your doctor HAS TOLD YOU TO DO!'

    I just have this idea that I should be suffering at all times. Which is stupid, stupid, stupid and solves nothing.

    Last night OH went out with friends to a gig, which was on my suggestion as I want him to have time away from me, time where he can be free from the situation, with people he can talk to. He stayed out till 2am and came home tipsy and as a result he needed help taking off his trousers, which is what always happens when he drinks too much.

    I am still using the exercise bike, it seems to be helping.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 18th Jun 17, 7:37 PM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    I did something that might not seem like much but to me is monumental.

    There's an arts centre I used to work at and still 'volunteer' at . I put volunteer in quotation marks because the last time I volunteered was In December 2016 (we are supposed to volunteer twice a month-we get certain incentives for volunteering)

    I had signed up to volunteer two shifts in May, but at the first one I was so overcome with anxiety and panic that I started crying and had to leave before my shift started, and I cancelled the one that followed.

    Today I volunteered.

    It was 2 hours in total. All I had to do was take the tickets off the customers for the show, then watch the show. There were 34 people and it was a very genteel show, nothing went wrong.

    My friend then met me afterwards for coffee.

    It is not a sign I am 100% better, but it is a sign that things I fear might not be too traumatic.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
    • FurryBeastOz
    • By FurryBeastOz 20th Jun 17, 6:55 AM
    • 1,081 Posts
    • 14,284 Thanks
    FurryBeastOz
    Hiya Florence Just read your debt diary after sending you the PM so I can see some of my suggestions were redundant. Keep at it.
    *** Debt Free***
    NST September - /18
    Goals - Weight loss 0/13lb from 1st Jul 17
    GC To 1/9/17 £2152.27/£3,500, 61.5/66.6% of the year. Had to raise budget
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 20th Jun 17, 7:37 PM
    • 1,577 Posts
    • 8,930 Thanks
    Florence J
    My anxiety is coming back.

    This is because my boss has sent over my occupational health referral form, which needed to be approved by me, then it was sent to my work's HR department, then sent back to me for approval before it gets sent to the company's Industrial medical referral centre.

    The trouble is it mentioned my recent ill health, it mentioned problems I was having in my personal life that I had told my boss about, and it mentioned the steps I have taken/will undertake...

    But it didn't mention that a lot of my anxiety was caused by the job itself.

    So I have just had to clarify that to my employer's HR department.

    And now I am scared. I don't know exactly of what. Scared I will get a phone call or email from my boss that will be scary and angry, scared I will be fired, scared I will be 'told off'.

    I am anxious and feel a bit sick and queasy.

    In other news I have an appointment with Mind for an initial consultation on Thursday morning, I have an X Ray for my leg arranged for next Monday (eagle eyed readers will have noticed that both of those have been re-arranged from their original dates for various reasons, nothing to worry about) and I have an appointment in early July for a telephone career counselling session with work it out/the young women's trust.

    I have taken more books out of the library ranging from feel good chick lit to social anxiety books to mindfulness books to exercise/sports books to career advice books. I found walking through town quite scary but coped, but did my usual 'ignoring and not responding' tactic to people trying to get my attention. There weren't exactly many but I still find any sort of social interaction from a stranger scary.

    I finally got round to using the app 'Jobspotter', deciding to go out early this morning before the shops had opened because for some reason I got it into my head that people would get angry if they saw me taking pictures of their shop windows. I have made a fiver in amazon vouchers today just by walking up one independent high street. Admittedly it was a long road but still.

    Job spotter - for those who want to know this is an app which I believed is made by or affiliated with indeed.com, and you get 'points' for taking pictures of job advertisements in shop windows and also a picture of the shop front as well, and then upload them to the app. If the ad is a hand typed note with 'apply within' on it then this sort of ad tends to award more points then a fancy, nationwide advertisement saying to apply on the website. It pays out in amazon vouchers. I don't believe from what I've seen today that there is a minimum payout amount, I think it can be any amount you have.
    Another thing to know is that the pictures you take and upload can't contain any people in them.

    I heard about it on the blog Lotty Earns, she says she is an ex-MSE-er.

    I also did a 90 minute cycle on the exercise bike today. Also recently I have been watching the box set of Jonathan Creek on Netflix as I used to love it as a kid and the Christmas specials are still a family traditional viewing event in my family household. The good thing is now that I am no longer 9 I don't find it scary any more. It has been nice seeing all the episodes I half remembered.

    Today has been an up/down day. It has not necessarily been a bad day, just one where I am glad I am at home and don't have to do anything or go anywhere.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£90) Wombling free 2017 = £1505.37 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£2743.11/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1120.95/£1120.95
    September 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4344.96
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