Full Nest Syndrome

gettingtheresometime
gettingtheresometime Posts: 6,911
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as you can guess its the opposite problem of the empty nest!

Only son has moved back after finishing Uni and whilst I appreciate things are very different to when we left, I've decided I don't like it - and am feeling like the worst mother in the world.

Didn't have a problem when he left and to be honest our lifestyle has changed since - for example very often we'd have sandwiches or a light supper as its usual quite late when we've come in after walking the dog - and I don't want to go back to having a proper meal iyswim in the evenings.

He hasn't got a 'proper' job yet though he's fortunate in the sense his dad has got him working in the company that he owns (its practically a one man band thing) so he's not lounging (not that he would be allowed to!) all day but I think part of the problem is that I think son would be happy to drift for the rest of his natural - if that makes sense

Is it wrong for me to be wanting my house back?????

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  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    as you can guess its the opposite problem of the empty nest!

    Only son has moved back after finishing Uni and whilst I appreciate things are very different to when we left, I've decided I don't like it - and am feeling like the worst mother in the world.

    Didn't have a problem when he left and to be honest our lifestyle has changed since - for example very often we'd have sandwiches or a light supper as its usual quite late when we've come in after walking the dog - and I don't want to go back to having a proper meal iyswim in the evenings.

    He hasn't got a 'proper' job yet though he's fortunate in the sense his dad has got him working in the company that he owns (its practically a one man band thing) so he's not lounging (not that he would be allowed to!) all day but I think part of the problem is that I think son would be happy to drift for the rest of his natural - if that makes sense

    Is it wrong for me to be wanting my house back?????

    You have no reason to feel bad or guilty. It's your house, your home. Of course it's your son's as well (for now,) but he is in his 20s, and doesn't need mollycoddling. Also he has been away for most of the past 3-4 years, and he must understand you have your own life now. You will always be there for him when he needs you, but he can't be put first any longer.

    If you want to have cheese butties for 'dinner' then do that. If he wants a roast meal, he can do it himself.

    Uni students coming back after 3-4 years away is always a huge upheaval for parents who have gotten used to their lives being without the kids. But you have no need to feel bad, as he is an adult now, and can look after himself.
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • jackyann
    jackyann Posts: 3,433 Forumite
    I do think that you need to have a good chat about it all. Adult kids are not always very good at realising that parents move on as well.
    So I would sit down and get everything from financial contributions through household chores & shopping to meal arrangements on the table, and see how you can co-operate together.

    I'd also take the opportunity to ask how he sees the future, and if appropriate, set some sort of goal for "moving out" - but I would discuss carefully as a couple first so you are clear how your OH sees the current "employment arrangement". I knew someone who did just this, and in his head he was helping his dad out until he found a "decent job". It wasn't until he did just that, that dad realised he'd got used to the help and had been assuming son would take over!
  • Jagraf
    Jagraf Posts: 2,462
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    A whole load of your rules - out working, paying rent, meals etc.

    Then a big chat as to how he feels you can help him become independent.

    If he works he can afford to rent a room / studio etc. there's no need for him to stay with you long term and it won't do him any good.
    Never again will the wolf get so close to my door :eek:
  • Mrshaworth2b
    Mrshaworth2b Posts: 988 Forumite
    Thinking about it from your son's point of view he has been away at uni looking after himself (or not) being able to come and go as he pleases. So don't think straight off that he will milk it, he may be using this time to recooperate and feel looked after before hopefully realising that he has too outgrown living with you.

    Have a chat with him and explain that you don't mind this being a short term thing until he finds his feet but that going to university is the start of him being independent.
    Newly Married, not a 2b anymore!! Mum to two wonderful boys!
  • nearlyrich
    nearlyrich Posts: 13,698
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    My son has a job that involves contracts around the world he is due back next week not sure how long for but he will pay his way and does the cooking etc. so it's not too bad. I also think you don't go back to being mum and dad indulging little boy or girl, they are adults treat them as such
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  • BigAunty
    BigAunty Posts: 8,310
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    Perhaps you can lessen the guilt by offering to lend or give him the deposit on a room in a shared house?

    Telling him of your loan or gift might be a polite way of hinting that it was time he cut the apron strings, as well as book-marking some properties that might suit him on Gumtree or a similar website.

    If he is provided with employment and housing by you, and you sense he is inclined to drift, then I think he's quite likely to get quite comfy with limited expenses and responsibility. He may need a big nudge.

    Those on low incomes can qualify for housing benefit. In fact, I read recently that most new claims for HB are from those in employment.

    You can look up the Local Housing Allowance rate for a shared property (under 35s have no entitlement to a 1 bedroom rate, self contained property to themselves) and enter this along with his employment income into the Turn2us online benefit calculator. This may indicate if he might be due any LHA or council tax discount, for example.
  • Snakey
    Snakey Posts: 1,174 Forumite
    I think it's fairly common, in families where money isn't a particular issue, to charge working adult children a relatively high rent (not full market rent plus bills, but not just a token either - perhaps the same as they'd pay for a cheap bedsit plus they put something towards the weekly food shop) and secretly put it to one side to give back to them as a helping hand when they move out.

    It stops them getting so comfortable they don't ever want to leave (but without being unfair), it stops you feeling as if you're being taken advantage of, and you get to help them out financially when they go. And of course if they end up on drugs or marrying a girl you hate or something, you can just keep the money for yourself after all and nobody will be any the wiser.
  • Thanks for all the replies.

    It isn't so much the rent (although abit of wine money wouldn't go amiss lol) and in fairness to him he did assume that he'd be doing his own clothes washing but so long as he helps with the ironing I haven't got an issue with sticking his clothes into the washing machine.

    I suppose what I was getting at more (and sorry if this is tmi) but it was more things like not mattering what my state of dress in the mornings was as I didn't have another male (apart from OH!) in the house.

    I don't think working with his dad is a permanent thing but as I said son hasn't, atm (it appears) any aim which I guess is fuelling my frustration.

    I appreciate that he's in a bit of an odd situation at the moment as he hasn't really kept touch with any of his 6th form friends but I have told him that he needs to get a hobby that takes him outside the house.

    I suppose its a changing time for all of us - and there was me thinking that I would be worried about an empty nest!
  • BigAunty
    BigAunty Posts: 8,310
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    I lost touch with my 6th form friends but it was in an era before email, mobile phones and social media, plus I moved hundreds of miles away.

    Surely he should be able to reconnect them with quite easily with a simple email or FB message 'Hi guys, back in town now, sorry not to have kept in touch better, fancy a pint and a catch up'. He's in the same town - he can pop round their houses?!

    Does his drift also extend to his social life or does he get out and about? Is he withdrawing from the world to any extent or is simply just a bit under motivated?
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511
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    I think you just need to decide what you want

    It's telling you've automatically gone back to doing his washing - You may be giving him mixed messages in that what you say and what you do aren't matching up.

    As for meals - He's an adult - and he has kitchen access -if he wants a proper evening meal he's more than capable of cooking it himself -again just because he has come home doesn't mean you need to change how you do things. Likelyhood is he's probably quite happy to work around you if he has been cooking for himself for the past three years.

    Talk to him but work out what you want before you do.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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